The Mystic Musclehead Reads The Stars:
Your Muscleheaded Horoscope
it’s time again for somebody’s favorite occasionally-occurring feature of this here Muscleheaded blog….
The Great All-Knowing Mystic Swami Tells All.
Yeah, sure, I know that’s three titles.
They’re all so good, ya know… I couldn’t choose.
The Great All-Knowing Mystic Swami can prognosticate the future –
He reads the stars …
he is in tune with the spheres ….
…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.
It’s really kinda amazing when you think about it.
One man, armed only with his trusty crystal ball and some old road maps…..
I mean, star charts……
Seeing way, way, way into the future –
…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.
( mmmmm… pastrami !)
Hey- it could happen.
Before we get started with this month’s exciting episode, just this short word from our sponsor.
You may have read that our Muscleheaded Brand Breakfast Cereal
– ” Buzzy Bear’s Big Hunks of Sugar ” -
Recently has been ordered recalled by the Food and Drug Administration,
describing it as nothing more than:
” sugar cubes repackaged with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy in every box. “
We would like to say that this is patently untrue.
“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand breakfast cereal has also been fortified with minerals —–
( quite accidentally, it turns out….
it happened at the packaging plant…
….. something to do with shavings from the box machine….. )
……… and, further, it has NOT been recalled by the FDA.
We withdrew it so they wouldn’t sue us.
Your Muscleheaded Great All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope
Choose your birth sign,
and behold your fortune,
………. if you dare .
You are a dynamic personality, and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini , and double your pleasure.
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and you should see your way clear to sending the All Seeing Mystic Swami that twenty bucks he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting for must have gotten lost at sea, so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark Mediterranean type named Vito in your future.
Difficult times might be ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused, and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to find a new place to crash.
A good time for seeing old friends and making new acquaintances.
Email somebody and set up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective, and your medical profile.
Oh, and The BeeGees will hold a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.
Family and vegetables are very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed ) will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that Squeezing the Charmin will take on a whole new meaning for you.
A good month for study and meditation awaits you.. afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery after your wife hires hit men for $8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life $5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no damned sign named “Elmo”. )
Far be it from me to imply how totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow you carefully, now will be apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a lot every month to charge people just to tune in your webcam, if you’re not gonna do requests.
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things don’t do anything sitting on your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
…. well, your bathroom scale is wrong… lay off the Ho-Hos.
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting out of prison and all…..
You couldn’t get laid waving a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting your computer too close to your 70’s era waterbed.
That rash on your ass ain’t gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery, but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant down the block is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your lottery numbers yourself this month.
And now, some horoscope art from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.
It does include a little nudity,
……so don’t scroll down if it’s a problem for you.
I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.
He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
I guess I left enough scrolling room !