It really bugs me no end, ya know.
My Uncle left me some of his men’s magazines from the fifties…
And you can imagine my dismay when I found out that — compared to men of the fifties – us men folk of today are totally outmatched.
If you can believe these magazines.
Apparently, menzz back then were much more aggressive, much more awnrey, much more…. well, manly .
Jeeez, who knew?
Here I was thinking I was getting pretty good at being masculine, (after 50 some years of practice),
…… and now it turns out I apparently have been going about it all wrong.
The only thing I can hope–
….. is that by reading my Uncle Tommy’s old mens magazines,
I can somehow hope to one day learn to live up to the high standards that generation had set.
Let’s see now…..
…….. what do I gotta do, exactly?
…… aside from learning how to puff away happily on a Chesterfield,
somehow keeping the smoke outta my eyes,
while operating heavy machinery, of course.
Tricky stuff, that.
Well, I guess the first thing ya gotta do, using these magazines as a guide, would be to learn to cope with the real world,
……… like a real man.
You know, like protecting the world from the perils of big black kitty cats and frigid women.
( I wonder if the fact that we men aren’t near as manly (apparently) has anything to do with the fact you seldom hear about frigidity anymore….
What does that mean, exactly? )
It seems obvious from these magazines…
Real men apparently have all kinds of wild life to worry about ……
Lots to learn, man, lots to learn.
You gotta be able to defend yourself against a bunch of insurance spokes-creatures armed only with a pistol butt.
I hate those Gecko commercials.
I wonder whoever thought up the idea of using a slimy lizard to represent a car insurance company anyway???
It does seems pretty appropriate, somehow, though….
I think I got off topic for a sec here.
…. they are certainly something you should know how to deal with,
… particularly, fightin’ them off while keeping your muscles perfectly flexed .
They’re just over-grown Tuna Fish with teeth, anyhow.
A mere bag o shells.
You can learn all this, plus learn how to get a raise from that stingey boss of yours while yer at it, for only 25 cents an issue.
Seems like quite a bargain.
But ya know….
A real man’s gotta know how to kill all kindsa stuff, though.
And you gotta be ready to battle evil-doers at every turn…..
Being extra careful to avoid all the crazed hippie freak outs,
Sex mad maidens of the Sulu Sea,
…. and scandalous wife swappers….
….. that IS asking a lot.
you better learn how to stave off deadly piranha,
them little fishies with the big teeth with an appetite for man flesh……
It does help if your penknife is nice and sharp, I guess……..
And always remember to carry a penknife.
You gotta possess all kinds arcane knowledge and skills.
………like how to build a raft with only saliva, Popsicle sticks, and your underwear.
Who knew weasels were such a menace to your flesh?
And, thanks to Mans Life,
I know now that them seemingly harmless old geezers and geezettes on Cape Cod—
….. are really sin happy vacationers out to take sexual advantage of me.
Whew, I’m glad I got that warning in time.
And now I know why the place seemed so boring when I visited….
…………… all the activities were being held inside closed doors.
what do you do if a pack of EELs with big teeth suddenly bugs ya while swimming?
I betcha you don’t have a clue.
But, the men of that generation were prepared—
I think it said that you should swim like hell.
In the same issue, you also learn that hanging around with loose women is bad for a man’s kidneys.
Something to do with toxins in their perfume, I think.
And I bet ya didn’t know about the peril of wild teen terrors on the Tamiami Trail.
All kinds of diseases running rampant…. like the croup, the crud, and the cooties.
You gotta watch that.
Al Capone’s vaults really musta been exciting after all…..
Did you know that nude mobster molls took over his operation?
Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit.
They never taught us any of this in school.
And it always did seem like those pesky Nazi’s were sticking their noses where they didn’t belong…..
Despite the fact that most of em were by then in South America digging themselves a hole to crawl under.
Being strangled by a giant gorilla ?
That can be very inconvenient –
—- especially if he got’s aholt of yer baby sister.
Not only can this one issue of Mans Life teach you how to deal with that,
….. but also giant rats, too.
Oh, and how to avoid hot bachelor chicks.
And , you never know when you’re gonna need to know how to cut up an elephant.
Or what to do when attacked by a herd of wild sea monkeys.
Or is that a pack?
But I really think maybe a wife shoulda had ‘that talk’ with her mother before she married a guy who reads these magazines……
I’m just sayin.
Then, of course, if you’re gonna live up to this whole ‘real man’ thing, you’ll have to upgrade yer wardrobe….
It’s not enough to look neat and clean.
You gotta wear stuff that makes a statement…..
A statement like:
” Waiter, this three thousand dollar champagne is not properly chilled.
Bring me another bottle. “
And you can’t skimp on the deal, man, you gotta go balls to the wall with it.
All the way down to your socks.
Remember what dear mother told you:
“There’s nothing sissy at all about worrying about your personal appearance.”
Remember, you never know when you might have to be rushed to hospital with a foot injury.
You wouldnt want the medics to have cut tattered socks off ya.
And should your mother NOT happen to accompany you on that next beach trip,
( unlikely, I know )
You’ll want to be sure to be accoutered with the right swimming attire….
……….. just in case you gotta do a little off the cuff water-sporting.
Just remember what momma told you about those kinds of girls , boy.
Yeah.. you just leave ‘em to the uncivilized, uncouth type of men.