Yes, my friends…
It’s me back again with more neat-o inventions that are just bound to make your life just as complicated as it is now,
….but with less money in your pocket to show for it.
Actually, I don’t really expect that any of you, my readers, to purchase these fine items for yourself….
You being the wonderful, intelligent and paragons of good taste that you obviously are, and all …..
No, I was thinking that these would make extremely appropriate gifts, for:
that dolt you share a cubicle with at work,
your waste-of-carbon brother in law….
or that cretin next door who keeps blocking your mailbox with his RV.
anyone who fits into the general category of common-sense-impaired-,
running the full gamut,
up to and including:
airheads, and assholes
birdbrains, and blockheads,
clods, and clucks,
doo-doo’s, dumbbells, and dunderheads,
—- all the way up to —-
simpletons and shnooks,
yahoo’s, and yo-yo’s.
Cause… there’s gotta be some purpose for these things, right ??
I couldn’t help but notice that you were glancing admiringly at our first item…
Yes, it is a DVD rewinder–
thanks for asking.
25 bucks and it’s yours.
Now you can always be kind –
and always rewind .
Despite the fact that DVD’s are random-access storage media, and don’t need to be restarted from the beginning.
Still, better safe than sorry, right ?
—far be it from me to question any dog owner’s desire to make their dog happy.
And I can understand how you’d want yer doggie to reflect an image of being owned by one really stylish hipster and all…
I’m just not all that clear on how this does that.
They’re called Doggles ( of course ) –
and although they look like they’d be very expensive and designed by Pucci ….
…. I mean, Gucci ….
They’re actually a steal at twenty bucks.
(Who‘s stealing from who, well, that’s another question…. )
Muscle dog not included.
One potential benefit I can see right away if I had these for my dog, is that she would stop bothering me to go out for walkies all the time.
(Or anything else, for that matter.
Boy, does that dog have a bad attitude. )
Now, I know your memory ain’t what it used to be…
Hey, it ain’t nothing to be ashamed of.
You’re not gonna be 29 forever, ya know.
I dig that.
But, when I have to use a product like this,
……… well, somebody just cart me off to the glue factory, ok?
It’s called a To-Do-Tattoo kit …
…… and basically, it’s like writing your grocery list on your hand.
…. it’s exactly like that, only this thing costs 5 bucks.
It comes with a magic marker and 12 temporary tattoo transfers.
Just think how cool you’ll look at the motorcycle swap meet using this .
I recommend you buy ten and go completely ‘sleeved out’.
I’m not saying people are getting lazy.
No, I’m not saying that.
It just seems to me that if you have a hankering for an ice cream,
….. you oughta at least have the where-with-all to be able to spin the cone around yourself.
Oh sure, I guess there are folks who are wrist-challenged…
but if your wrist don’t work well enough to turn a cone,
….. you’re not gonna have the arm strength to lift the damn thing.
Or the ten bucks it’ll cost ya, either.
Exploring the world of cutting edge technology sure can make a fella hungry , ya know.
The thing is, you probably know some lazy slob who would think that last thingee-magig was the greatest invention since the burp,
And so, you might as well give him a gift pack.
This will be almost indispensible.
It’s a spaghetti twirler.
And short of cutting his spaghetti into little chunks for him so he can pick them up with a spoon….
(You know, you really gotta stop spoiling him. )
If it’s any consolation, it only costs ten bucks…
Or you can get five for fifty, in case ya wanna have all his relatives over.
so, now, you’re probably wondering just how the world of technology could get any better.
Well, sure it can.
Especially if you’re willing to work with your hands and build this yet-to-marketed vintage wonder machine from the past.
Yes, it’s yesterday’s technology for tomorrow today –
………. or sumethin like that anyway.
It should be pretty cheap to build and operate.
Once it’s set up, all you need is a bucket of water and that ‘OH-NURSE’ costume you claim you bought for Halloween.
( as long as you wear them white stockings with it, I’ll never tell anybody why you actually got it.. )
Best of all, you can charge all your more clueless neighbors to use it.
it’s a …..