Gifts for the Bacon Lover

1Ok…

Yes, I am a somewhat over-dedicated powerlifter and gym rat.

Thanks for asking.

My workouts are about 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, 5 times a week,
( okay… six  )

……… and I very carefully watch what I eat… mostly.

I spend much of my days telling people about good nutrition and exercise.

So, the whole “wonderful world of bacon” thing might seem a bit incongruent with that.

Well,
when it comes to something as sublime as bacon…

…………………………………….. all I can say is tough toogies.

You might as well ask me to give up redheads, coffee or motorcycles.

And THAT ain’t happenin’.

.

2

.

Anyhoo…  with the holiday gift season coming up…

I thought it might be fun to talk about BACON….

And we’ll look at some of the more interesting products aimed directly at the heart of the bacon affectionado, like you and me.

First, a little background on the stuff.

Bacon — the real stuff — comes from a pig. (….. like barbecue )

I hate to be an absolutist on anything, but this is one point on which I am totally non-negotiable.

Bacon don’t come from no turkey, no cow, no way, no how.

Oinkers only need apply.

That said, there is still some , well…
….. confusion on what qualifies as bone-fide bacon.

The Europeans, despite having first introduced the concept of bacon to us mere colonists, seem to have veered from the path of real bacon virtue….

The English use a cut that is part loin and part fat-back, and cook it all wilty-like.

The French cut it up into little cubes, call it ‘lardon‘ , and spread it on toast.

The Germans boil it into a goopy mess.

And the Canadians…, usually a sensible bunch people with reasonably good taste,

…. well, I dunno what they’re thinking… theirs looks suspiciously like ham.

What we Americans call ‘bacon’ comes from the belly of the pig,
….. yes, it’s mostly fat –
and is usually smoked and cured before cooking.

It cooks up crispy, golden brown, to piggy perfection.

My great-grandparents in Virginia used to smoke and cure their own,
… but today, most Americans just buy it by the pound at the grocery store–

And you can find some delicious variations of smoking and curing in a good market that just add to the whole bacon adventure.

There’s salt, maple or brown sugar cured, smoked in hickory, or oak, or even corn-cobs.

One of my favorites is Applewood-Smoked Peppered Bacon..
………. it takes a BLT to a level way beyond sandwichland.

And you can’t go anywhere near L.A. without having a bacon-wrapped hot dog.

( Wilcox and Hollywood Blvd — hint, hint, nudge, nudge )

Did you know that the record for the world’s largest BLT was set at Iron Barley’s Tomato Fest, St. Louis, Missouri in 2011 —

It was a staggering 224 feet long, and held over 600 pounds of hickory smoked bacon.

Not to mention 440 pounds of bread, 550 lbs of tomatoes, 220 heads of lettuce, 60 gallons of mayonnaise ( I hope it was Duke’s ) and weighed 2000 pounds.

Man, that’d take me a coupla days to finish…

OK… maybe a day and a half.

But bacon ain’t just for breakfast and sandwiches, ya know.

I recently had some bacon-wrapped chicken at a local Brazilian Steak House that sent me into orbit.

And when I was at the beach this year,
I bought some dark chocolate dipped bacon on the boardwalk,
……… it was very chocolate-ey and very, very bacon-ey indeed.

There’s a restaurant-bar in New York City where everything they serve has bacon in it.

Everything.

I had the Bacon-Infused Bourbon.

And the Bacon Ice Cream had little chunks of bacon in it.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm… smoky.

Ya know, being a bacon fanatic can actually become something of a lifestyle for some folks….

Imagine that.

And since knowing what someone likes makes gift giving so much easier…

I figured we should look at some of the .. ummm .. interesting … bacon themed products on the market .

I think you might be surprised at the variety.

This little number, for instance.  3

This,

my friends,

is for the bacon life-styler who wants to carry his passion into the here-after with him.

( ……. would that make him a ‘bacon after-life styler’ ?)

Yes, IT IS a coffin painted to look like it’s covered with bacon.

( you couldn’t actually cover a coffin with bacon
………… that would be a waste of perfectly good bacon! )

This gem comes with everything the deceased bacon lover would want….

18 gauge steel construction, premium bacon-themed interior, adjustable mattress…..

…… even a bacon-scented air freshener !

( Yes, of course they make bacon-scented air fresheners !! )

And it’s all yours ( or somebody’s ) for only three thousand dollars,
….. plus shipping and… errr…. handling .

I guess it’s for the guy who wouldn’t get caught dead being without bacon, huh?

Next !

At least a part of the appeal of bacon is that marvelous smokey aroma.

Imagine if you could walk around smelling like bacon all day….

Hey, the girls wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off ya, right ?

Well, now your evil plan to dominate the world’s population of olifactorily sensitive females can come to fruition……

( try and say THAT three times fast… )

4

Yes, now for the first time ever, “BACON SOAP”.

For six bucks, you can wash yourself all over with luxurious baconey goodness,

…… without having to have the fat scraped off you afterwards with a trowel.

( I hate when that happens. )

It washes off just like soap– cause it IS soap.

Get several and have a piggie party !

Soooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeey !!!!!

…. ummm…. wait… huh ????

NEXT!!! 5

This bacon themed lunchbox will make ya look cool no matter where you take it….

Office, school, gym, or even Bacon-Anonymous Meetings ,
………….. it’ll fit right in with your bacon-centric lifestyle.

Comes complete with a bacon-themed thermos ,
…… and room for three , … count em, three bacon boties !!

( That’s “bacon sandwiches” to the unenlightened )

Hey–
what da ya want for fifteen bucks ?

I’ve been thinking…..

You know how part of being any kind of life-styler is telling the world all about your particular …. umm… thing ?

Here’s your chance to do it,
without the slightest chance of having the girls at the office look at you funny and mumble: “….. ewwww grosssss ! “

( ok. there is still a slight chance, but I don’t think it has anything to do with this fine product.)

6Send a message with these fine Simulated Silk, Simulated Bacon, 100% Rayon Ties !

Here you have all the advantages of a bacon tie,

………… with none of the inconvenience of using the real thing.

Only 20 bucks –

…. an inexpensive way to show the business world your porky paradigm !

Wearing this, stray dogs won’t be the only thing that will want to follow you home.

And….

7

Assuming, of course, that the last only slightly semi-sarcastic insinuation ends up working out to be true,

You’ll want to remember to always: ‘ un-dress to impress ‘ –

…………… with these bacon-themed boxer shorts.

Yes, now you can wear the object of your devotion close to your heart –

……… well, ok, maybe not your heart , exactly…

Ahem.

These can be yours for about 20 bucks, come with spandex waistbands, and for the more dedicated bacon lovers– sizes up to 5x.

Ok.

Let’s just take a shot in the dark here…

…… and say that, instead of me just confusing ya with all this double entendre stuff,

that you’ve actually come to feel — that bacon and you — could really have something special.

It takes a brave man to admit it.

Of course, you might be feeling conflicted, maybe oddly curious.

Hey– it’ll be our little secret, ya know?

And my friend, do I have the resource for you.

8

Cheers!

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Gifts for the Bacon Lover

  1. Saw some bacon peanut butter cups the other day. Didn’t buy them. EWW and I LOVE bacon! But it’s not something I want to mix with chocolate. I’ll save it for the brussels sprouts.

  2. thruthemist says:

    My son said to me the other day as he was cooking a pork roast wrapped in bacon. “Mom, you know, it’s always good to have a little pork with your bacon”…..walked out of the room, just burst out laughing. He was TOTALLY serious. But at 6′ 7”, 245 pounds of weight lifting solid muscle….I don’t even begin to debate all the logic issues with his statement…..I might just get hung on a peg in the kitchen. Have a super day…loved this post….and remember, always eat a little pork with your bacon!

  3. J says:

    Hey! My computer (affectionately named ‘Mike’) is acting up. I don’t have a floppy drive but I DO have a CD drive. Can I feed Mike some bacon in the CD drive instead?

    • That’s probably why MIKE is acting up — not enough bacon. That’d make any male crazy. 😀

      • J says:

        LOL

        Some day I’ll have to tell you what the computer gurus told me to do to keep Mike happy. It was my turn to make someone blush.

        Kinda liked it.

        • 😀 I would love to hear THAT story. 🙂

          • J says:

            Okay. If this is too raunchy, please feel free to delete it, okay?

            Kept getting random Blue Screen of Death messages. Over, and over, and over. So I went to Staples, talked to the techie. About 20 years old, and a real cutie. Explained the problem and bingo — he says he knows exactly what the problem is. Listening to music, using graphics programs, having multiple tabs open — my poor laptop computer is overheating. It zips out a BSOD to protect itself.

            All you need to do, he says, is get this handy-dandy cooling tray. And while you’re at it, just in case, you might want to keep a can of pressurized air on hand. If the tray doesn’t work, he says, or if it seems to be getting overworked, he says, you might want to blow your computer.

            That’s exactly what he said. Blow your computer.

            Well.

            I burst into a most unladylike guffaw, laughed till tears ran down my face. He was confused for a second … till he realized what he’d said … and blushed three shades of purple.

            The tray’s been working.
            But at my side, there’s a can of air with Mike’s name on it.

            Just in case.

  4. Ha! Who knew bacon was so versatile! 😉 😛
    Bring on the bacon! I can’t imagine life without it!
    BLT-HUGS!!! 🙂

  5. kerbey says:

    I can’t read into the right margin? Is my monitor janky?

  6. Mustang.Koji says:

    ps I agree. It comes from pigs!

  7. Mustang.Koji says:

    Darn you!!! I have Costco bacon in my fridge… But they’re not applewood smoked!!! Youre making me spend $12 for some!!

  8. Foxy-O says:

    You had me laughing out loud at work (but no one is here yet so that’s ok!) I only starting eating bacon a couple of years ago when I started the paleo-like lifestyle because I was looking for variety. My first thought was – where has this been hiding all my life?! There is always bacon in my fridge, but I doubt I will be buying bacon soap anytime soon!

Leave a Comment -- I'd Love to Hear From You !

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s