Let me start by saying that I was originally going to write a ‘part two’ for a post on weird and dangerous radioactive products,
it suddenly dawned on me that most people probably hadn’t even seen part one–
— because it was in my ‘drafts’ file.
What a dumb ass.
I have combined the new post with the old draft ….
Pretty good deal, huh ?
so whatdaya want fer nuthin’ ?
I had read somewhere that radioactive used cars were being sold in Japan…..
maybe somebody has.
some cars that should have been destroyed
after being irradiated,
due to the Fukushima nuclear plant disaster,
One car measured over 300 times the safe radiation level.
Unscrupulous used car dealers ????
Who’d even imagine you could put those words together in a sentence, huh?
I couldn’t be more surprised if you told me that Gulf-coast shrimp had a piquant aftertaste reminiscent of 30 weight oil.
Or that ‘spring water’ they get 2 bucks a bottle comes out of a tap in Cleveland.
I imagine nobody really thinks that driving a radioactive car is that good for ya.
Xceptin’ maybe the guys in ‘Repo Man’ .
But, back 100 years or so,
heck, it mighta been a selling point.
Cause it wasn’t all that long ago,
when people thought radioactive stuff was medicinal and health-giving.
Eben was living the high life —
he was a Yale graduate,
and inherited the presidency of the Girard Iron Company from his daddy……
He was traveling by train,
home from the annual Harvard-Yale football game, in 1927,
when he fell from his berth and injured his arm.
He saw his doctor.
who suggested he try a new product on the market that was having remarkable success—–
The doctor did seem to have failed to mention that he was receiving a 17% commission for each bottle he sold…….
Five years later,
Eben’s jaw had disintegrated,
his bones scorched,
and he died a frighteningly horrible death of radiation poisoning —
—– he had to be buried in a lead coffin for chrissake.
the wonders of medical science.
— like a radioactive water fountain, and a radium paper weight.
” how can I get in on the vast money making opportunities of dangerous patent medicine cures? ”
Well you may ask.
But alas, the ‘unnecessary and invasive’ noodling of governmental officials into the ‘affairs of free enterprise’ for the sake of the health and safety of the ‘public’ have made this impossible, unfortunately.
For some reason,
they have come to believe that radiation might actually be bad fer ya.
In the twenties and thirties especially,
many different kinds of radioactive products were sold —
from beauty cream to toothpaste —-
— from laxatives to linaments —
from contraceptives to chocolate.
This is what you call a “Nutex” radium condom.
Nutex actually marketed several interesting items in the 30’s,
including a mysterious ‘hair remover’ that worked a bit too well,
until the secret ingredient was revealed.
The concept of a radioactive ding-dong didn’t appeal to consumers all that well,
despite the inference that the radium would keep sperm from getting loose and impregnating folks……
that’s what the latex part of the condom is supposed to do, right ?
…. you didn’t need to roll it down on your John Thomas, or get it by ‘injection’ ….
You could wear it —
in your clothes.
There was a particularly strong advertising campaign for radioactive wool in baby clothing in the 1930’s….
And radioactive wool was expected to be the boom product of the 1940’s.
And then the world went boom,
instead of the radioactive wool market.
You could simply ingest it— in chocolate.
This fine late 1930’s German product —
( oh, yeah…
you could always trust the Nazi’s to insure product safety )
— contained a sizeable dose of real live Radium—
A dose that today would be considered a years worth of safe exposure.
Assuming you could get anyone to tell you eating this stuff was in any way safe.
And note on the label — “Auslandspat“— it’s for export only.
if you were part of the U.S. 7th Army occupation force HQ in Germany after WW II,
and your breath got a little on the übelriech side while chatting up all the cute little frauleins —
Well, you were in the right place —
’cause Heidelberg was the home of these ‘special’ breath mints…..
But for deceptive and dangerous advertising,
you have to love this next ad.
“As discovered by Doctor Alfred Curie” —
—– the miracles of radioactivity can now make you beautiful.
You may be wondering what relation this Fred Curie had to the famous discoverers of radium , Doctor and Madame Curie……..
“Doctor Alfred Curie” had no more qualifications in nuclear science than that ugly little Chihuahua on the Taco Bell commercials did.
He didnt exist.
And that dog, at least, could speak a second language.
But no matter.
—— all infused with the radioactive elements Thorium and Radium.
would that bring out a woman’s glow.
After World War II,
another radioactive product hit the market…
Yes, it was engineered by Nazi scientists,
but didn’t get released until after the war.
Just think of all the fun they woulda had if they had gotten the Bomb first.
Doramad Toothpaste was advertised as:
‘radioactive radiation increases the defenses of teeth and gums… cells are loaded with new life energy, the destroying effect of bacteria is hindered… it gently polishes the dental enamel and turns it white and shiny.’
Use em before you lose em, I guess….
flash ’em those pearly whites.
Never mind radioactive ones.
Polonium was a material used in the Atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki, Japan —
—— and in these things.
It’s not a metal, it’s not a gas, it’s not a liquid.
Nobody knows quite WHAT it is.
But it is highly radioactive.
And I’m sure it’ll give generate quite a spark.
Boy howdy, will it ever.
Hey…. here’s another wonderful piece of advertising —
This fine product was also made
right here in the good ole U.S. of A. —
In Denver, to be exact.
They were called Vita-Radium Suppositories —
The ads said they turned ‘weak discouraged men’ into strong, heroic males that would ‘bubble over with joyous vitality’.
They were supposed to be kinda like a 40’s Viagra,
……… exceptin’ that you stuck em up yer ass, and they didn’t work.
Not yer particular bread and butter , huh?
Are you of a sporting nature?
why not put some bang in your golf game with some radioactive golf balls?
It is such a boring game, otherwise.
how about this one………..
It’s radioactive bread .
Made in Czechoslavakia —
Bohemia, I think…
it was supposedly good for growing boys and girls,
……………………. and used only the purest of radioactive water.
But maybe the funniest —
or weirdest —
or worst —
( depending on your perspective , I guess )
example of products representing the “Better Living thru Radiation” theme,
It’s a cigarette holder, sure….
But not just a cigarette holder….
It’s a “LIFESTONE cigarette holder” , from the 1960’s.
In this holder, the smoke passed thru a small amount of radium.
This “wondrous efficacy of radium emanation protects your health from injurious element in a cigarette and makes it sweeter and milder,” and claimed the holder would protect users from lung cancer, not to mention beautiful faces and excellent health.
….. it’s nice to know we’re still securely wrapped in the security blanket of big business, huh?
our Daily Pin Up.