Remove Your Hand Please

fullpuppetOf all the strange stuff that has been sold by the record companies over the years,
I have to say,
some of the weirdest are the records featuring PUPPETS.

You know, puppets….

— as in ‘inanimate object’ puppet —

The kinda thing made out of old socks,
that people stick on their arm,
and then pretend like it’s
talking, singing, dancing….

……… and who knows what else .Muppets

( shudder )

I mean, I’m no prude–

Some hot puppet-porno action doesn’t necessarily make me all that uncomfortable.

Although it’s just a matter of time before the stuff gets outta hand ….

(It does give new meaning to the whole concept of fisting, doesn’t it?)

But,
record albums is where I draw the line, man.funky

The whole idea of a primarily visual genre being forced into a strictly audible medium is so wrong on so many levels.

What,
you didn’t know puppets made record albums?

Well, then,
hot bisquick in the morning,
are you in for it now.

And I’m not talking about those Jim Henson “Muppet” characters,

like Cookie Monster,
Grover,
or Salacious T. Crumb, either.

I mean,jimipuppet
I actually GET that Muppet thing —

the kids would identify with the character’s personality on TV,

and then listen to “C-IS-FOR-COOKIE” over and over again,

until they either learned their alphabet, or drove their poor fucking parents crazy.

Both, in my case.

And, I was already a teenager when I had that record.

Sorry, but you don’t get no cooler than Cookie Monster… end of story.

No,
I’m talking about these generic squeaky sofa-cushion puppets whose main raison d’être is to hide the otherwise-very-obvious lack of talent on the 2nd banana’s part.

comicThere’s too much suspension of belief being required here–

The damn puppet even being able to talk is hard enough to buy into,

— without all the extra effort of having to imagine the puppeteer is holding the damn thing up to the microphone so it can sing.

And I prefer puppets in more traditional roles, honestly…

Like running for political office, or working at the DMV.

But, making records?

I’m not kiddin’ you, though —

there were literally thousands of different albums made “by” puppets between 1940 and 1970.

4aHow the hell do I know how that makes sense,

but it’s true —

it’s all true.

Sure….
you got folk singing puppets…….

Like Don & Seymour here.

And yes, it does look like one of my socks, now that you mention it.

Somebody’s added some shag carpet and shoe polish, is all.

Oh, and of course, my socks don’t sing.

Hey Michael…
get along and row that boat ashore already.

Sorry, I mean…. Don.

Never mind…
there’s plenty more where that came from.

4bYou got yer French musique avec puppets ….

Just add a cute French hottie named Yvette,

A weird looking French Poodle Puppet with a goofy hat, pipe, sunglasses and an accordion…

And Ooooooo La La.

Bal dez Yvette.

Just in case there’s no chalkboard around that needs scratchin.

Ok, now admittedly, I’m cheating here —

— because on a previous post, my friend SCOUT PAGET, told me that this particular cute French hottie is:
” … Yvette Horner, some consider her to be ‘the queen of the accordion.’ That distinguished pup is not a puppet – he’s a real doggie. Seems Yvette loves dogs – her current pal, Paulo, is a touring musician.”

And truthfully,
I only included it because I like cute French hotties.

So… scratch one puppet LP,
and add a new category for:
‘pipe smoking DOGs playing accordions’ albums.

But, I’m not out of puppet albums,
no,
……… not by a long shot, my friend.

4cBack in the early 80’s ,
a lot of folks had grandma’s who were fond of watching Jim and Tammy.

It was sorta like Bible School
for people who didn’t know anything about the Bible,
by people who didn’t know anything about the Bible.

Done with puppets,
so everybody was on the level,
IQ wise.

But, just in case you or your kiddie winkies couldn’t get enough of the whole Jim and Tammy experience on TV,

You could acquire this little number to provide hours and hours of fascinatin’ fun via your friendly neighborhood turntable.

And you know,
hearing Jim Bakker made 45 minutes of doggie noises does seem somehow appropriate………

Maybe him and Yvette should get together…
…. a French girl might be what’s needed to fix that guy.

I dunno….
I doubt it’s fixable.
4d
And who, I ask you,
— wouldn’t like genuine falsetto country music sung by genuine falsetto country puppets?

Sure– just look at Marcy.

Just so you know,
this was during Marcy’s latest ‘come-back’.

The puppet’s got a brand new sound and everything.

Wow–
who in the world could get enough of her ‘old’ sound,
I ask you ?

And I know plenty of hotties that would give their right lungs for that long, straight red hair of hers.

The smile’s a bit plastic, though.

Nice matching hats.

I bet that horse is a fan.

4eThis next one here is called:
Something Happened to Daddy.”

Apparently, someone misled this little puppet into thinking that she is a real live girl.

Gave her a microphone and everything.

What a dirty thing to do to a puppet.

Wait…

Heck, it might even be a real live girl, in a dollar store dress ,

and a ‘Mommy always wanted to be a hairdresser’ hair-do —

—- just masquerading as a puppet, for all I know.

Ugh…..

Reality is such an unreal thing sometimes.

But listen, kid….

I really don’t want to know what happened to Daddy, OK ….
and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.

Just sayin’.a1

And yes, dear readers,

I know…
I guess I cheated with the all-puppets theme, again.

But it can be awfully difficult to tell the puppets from the people, sometimes —

They’re all so puppet-like.

OOoooooooops…

I mean, life-like.
5

Oh, well…
Sue me.

Never fear–
I’ve still got much, much less to come.

Did you know, for instance,
that “ Trees can talk, too ” ?

It’s kinda a shame they lack the ability to pick out their own outfits, though.

Unless he was planning on standing in for Evel Kneivel on that Snake River jump.

Mighta done better.

But,
I did know a friend of my grandmother who wore that dress to her prom, I think.

5aOK.

Does anybody but me feel like …..

well,

just maybe…..

…. that pretty Beverly here is getting a little too emotionally attached to little wooden Erick, there?

Hmmm…

I hate to be so judgmental and all,

………. but splinters can give you a nasty infection, ya know.

Hey–

Anybody hungry ????????

HOY!

elvgren

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45 thoughts on “Remove Your Hand Please

  1. Paloma says:

    Cookie!!!! Cookie!!!! LOL
    Between Jim & Tammy — and the Bean Family — and Erick – I’m totally weirded out! 😀

  2. Richie and Willie! HA! 😛
    I’m glad Marcie made it to Nashville! 😀
    Okay…the Jim and Tammy Faye album is freaky! 😉
    HA! Beverly and Erick…a girl’s gotta’ do what a girl’s gotta’ do! 😉 😛
    I was gonna’ say I’d never buy a puppet record album…but, the remembered I bought a few Sesame Street and Muppet albums when my kids were preschoolers! 😛 And as for Dummy LPS….I probably bought of few of those by accident…you know “dummies” like Wayne Newton and ???…Ha!…just teasing! 😛
    There would be a good post…singers that made it big…but I don’t want to admit I listened to! 😉 😀
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  3. Grandtrines says:

    Reblogged this on Lost Dudeist Astrology.

  4. Blair says:

    When you were talking about ‘hot puppet porno’ I was dying of laughter. I had no idea puppets were this much of a thing at some point. Except the Muppets, obviously. It’s pretty strange. Thanks for the laugh

    • 😀 yes, puppets seem to have had their salad days in the 1950’s and 1960’s especially — most of the black and white TV I saw when I was a little kid in the early 60’s had some kinda puppet characters on it — even Captain Kangaroo !!! 😀
      Cheers !!!!

  5. Mrs Fever says:

    I think these guys should make a record:

  6. GP Cox says:

    The ones I remember best were Lambchop (Shari Lewis), Mortimer Snerd (Bergan) and Koola and Ollie with Fran.

  7. Bah-hah-ha! I’ll be smiling all day. 🙂

  8. Pimpf says:

    Just for info it’s “Bal chez yvette” (ball at yvette’s) yvette Horner being a famous accordionist in France in the 50’s until 80’s, going along the bicyle Tour de France etc… it’s funny she made that kind of stuff recording with a puppet 🙂
    When you see how the Muppet show still works today you can feel the impact of that approach 🙂 and Eve, more with all the caricatrure shows made with puppet, this kind of art is still quite famous nowadays 😉 but making records with them wow 🙂 love that Pin up version btw 🙂

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