What She Doesn’t Want

suckMy friends….

It’s coming on Christmas,
whether you’re ready
for it or not….

and an important part
of determining how good
the New Year is gonna
turn out to be
is how you decide stuff
to handle the whole
gift-giving mish-mosh —

— especially when it comes
to the lady of the house.

‘Cause you know,
and I know,
… it’s gonna
be a rough 365
if you fuck that one up.

So, be sure to do
at least one thing right —
don’t listen to the ads. lady

Advertisers have a way
of presenting their products
for Christmastime that
would lead a man

(with a little less
sense than you, anyway)

to the crackpot conclusion
that buying her
something that
you ordinarily would
consider everyday household
equipment is a great idea ridjid
for a holiday present.

Woe to you,
my friend,
if you are wooed
by the siren songs
of :

“happier households
with a Hoover” —

“crock pots make her hot” ,

“silverware for your sweetie”,

or even a
“mixer for your mistress”. hoover

‘Cause that vacuum cleaner
you gift her for Christmas 2016
will be the only thing that’s
going to get any
sucking action in 2017.

You will have violated
the unspoken rule :

— been hornswoggled,
and hoodwinked,

— you will have
tread upon silverware
the devil himself’s
threshing floor,

— and dared the angels
to reap righteous vengeance
upon you and the
other male members
of your preveniently
happy home.

Yes, I pity the fool.

Rule Number 7 blacklabel
Section 4, Subsection G
in the Man’s Handbook :

When in doubt,
buy her booze,
or lingerie.

And all three
will almost
guarantee a
very kicky
holiday weekend,

!!!! HOY !!!!!!




27 thoughts on “What She Doesn’t Want

  1. mislucja says:

    Better hope that Hoover has some interesting attachments, lol

    Is it bad if I’m really, really hoping for some lingerie this year? 😉

  2. dievca says:

    I’ve had that whole “Father of the Bride” (Steve Martin version) “He bought me a blender!” incident in my head for years. XO

  3. kerbey says:

    Actually, I usually ask for Swiffer jet refills. I guess I’m a dork. A thrifty dork. But I’ll take the booze to make the Swiffering more fun.

  4. Those ads are a hoot! Santy should know better than that! 😉 😛
    Your suggestions are THE best! You need to clue Santy in for us women!
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  5. ‘Cause that vacuum cleaner
    you gift her for Christmas 2016
    will be the only thing that’s
    going to get any
    sucking action in 2017.

    YEPPERS… That would be ALL SHE WROTE in my little book. And… I got’s ta tell ya. As cold as it was today & will be tonight, “he” (if there ever is one ever again) don’t want to be sleeping out in that little ol shed in the backyard. Think about it!!!

  6. jillianmrks says:

    Yes, Chris…you definitely got that right! Ha ha 🙂

  7. julespaige says:

    Like getting pajamas and ‘drawers’ for the holidays. Useful stuff should be gotten when needed! Though those without budgets seem to get cars and vacations… something most of us actually have to save up all year for.

    How come though you can get a guy a tool, any tool and he’ll be happy? 😉 How many a lad or lassie has gotten Dad a screwdriver set?
    Um maybe to replace the ones they borrowed and lost during the year? 🙂

    A tad frosty here this morning at 30 F or -1 C Brrrrr!

  8. Rita says:

    Good safety tip for holiday shoppers of the husband variety 😊

  9. Amen! Buy her nothing that belongs in the kitchen, no cleaning items and after a certain age , not even lingerie. Face it , the lingerie is mostly for us and a bit selfish. Booze is an excellent idea but I would still only go with small shiny, sparkly objects if you want to be entirely safe.

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