Another one of my teeth
have suddenly decided to retire.
And not quietly, either.
I spent most of what
would have been a
pretty, sunny afternoon
having my dentist
poke, prod, and pulverize
the lower half of my jaw
with various weapons of
And despite having my
Ipod turned up loud enough
to burst the little speakers
in my earphones,
…..I could still distinctly hear
the sounds of teeth cracking,
jaw heaving, and dentist grunting.
Never mind the sensation,
— of which I will have
practically nothing nice to say,
So, you can probably figure
I ain’t gonna do that anytime soon..
…… without being bound head and foot.
They practically had to do that this time.
I’m not a fan of the dentist–
don’t get me wrong.
I got to that point early, let me tell you.
You’ve heard of painless dentists, right?
Well, Navy dentists in particular
are the complete opposite of that concept.
If it doesn’t hurt,
and you ain’t screamin’ your ass off,
So my current Dentist is
not on my active hit list.
Give the devil his due, ya know.
I remember a story about a lady
going to a dentist for her first visit,
……and as the dentist stooped over her,
she grabbed his cajones .
” Madam, ” the dentist said,
trying to remain calm,
” I think you have your hands
on one of my private, sensitive areas ….”
“ Yes, and now that
we’re so intimately acquainted,
.…. we are both going to be careful
not to hurt each other, aren’t we ? ”
All I’m saying is
that it’s a tough job.
I had been putting off having these
problem teeth looked at for some time,
…. hoping against hope
that they would be satisfied
with simply causing me
a bit of pain, and
not raise much more
hell than that.
Well, one decided to go
completely ape shit ,
spreading it’s mining activities
to the surrounding nerves and teeth —
The last straw was
on a late night flight,
while biting a grape —
— yes, one goofy little grape —
that somehow was able to generate
a level of pain that was last seen
during the Spanish Inquisition.
All I heard were the roaring of hooves–
— of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It’s amazing how much noise such a
little thing like a tooth can make-
— and cause enough pain to make a
275 pound Powerlifter wanna cry
like a baby for his Mama.
And I woulda, too,
if I thought she had
a couple of Vicodins on her.
As it was, I decided that
I’d better go see a professional.
The most amusing part
of the day was relatively early on….
He was happily tapping on teeth
on the wrong side of my mouth,
trying to figure out exactly what
and where I was complaining about…
It was only when
he got to the sore side–
He said to me…
“Oh. This might hurt a bit“.
Then he tapped the tooth
at the center of the
whole oral conspiracy.
At least not when I’m in pain,
either for fun or otherwise.
I like to remain stoic.
Stoicism on this occasion was right out.
I yelped like my ass was on fire.
This prompted the pretty
dental assistant to hold my hand.
It didn’t help…
I’m not saying it hurt, exactly.
I was determined
to write down my impressions,
so you, dear reader,
can somehow benefit from my experience,
…….. should you ever be
a silly enough goofball
to expect a sore tooth
to just magically go away
and stop botherin’ ya.
That’s jest crazy, man.
Take it from the guy who
just got out of the asylum.
And, to pass along my favorite dentist joke,
….which notably, my own dentist
didn’t think was at all funny.
A dentist examines a patient
and then says to him:
“That tooth’s gotta come out.
I’m going to have to give you a shot of Novocain.”
The guy grabs the dentist’s arm,
“No way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!”
So the dentist says,
“Okay, we can go with N.O. gas.”
The man replies,
“No, No.. That stuff makes me
very sick for a couple of days.
You can’t use gas on me, either .”
The man asks “Ummmm…..
What is it?”
The doc replies, “Viagra.”
Surprised, the man asks:
” Will that stuff really kill the pain ?”
Maybe I shoulda told that joke AFTER he worked on me.