Love At The Mall

a7The candy store at the mall
was surprisingly crowded
this afternoon….

We got four more days
until Valentines Day
( actually, three,
if you’re one of
those folks
who can think
a couple hours ahead )

And,
at the
fancy-pantsv4
expensive card and gift store–

— well, you could barely
get in the door, man.

( maybe because they
only had one relatively
incompetent person
working in the whole place ….

— I dunno,
you figure if they got
the nerve to chargev5
10 bucks for a card,
they could afford
some extra help,
or at least some
training,
but still… )

I was in the mall
looking for the novelty
gift place,
but it’s long gone,
apparently ….

Which means that
from now on,vnail
all of my witty,
semi-suggestive V-D
( Valentines Day )
gifts will have to be acquired
via that modern miracle
of smegmology —
—– the Internet.

No worries, though.

Anything I could possibly
want is out there in thatz1
magical, mystical world of:
you-thought-it,
we-made-it,
you-buy-it . 

Still, I’m a bit retiscent.

My hesitation revolves around
the whole issue of selectivity.

There are literally ooodles
and ooodles of such
things out there,

—-it boggles the search criteria.z3

The stuff ranges from
slinky to sleazy
passionate to pornographic
racy to raunchy
cute to crusty
and nubile to nothing special.

Hey, if you’re in the market
for a teddy bear with a
nine inch pile driver,
well, I promise you
that it’s out there somewhere–

— probably on the same web page
selling satin(-esque) sheets,
men’s panty hose,zwasted
and peace sign shaped
nipple rings.

As for me,
I can be quite picky
about my slightly-naughty
gift selections…..

I want to present the
lucky gift receiver with
something that evokes
just the right combination
of farcicality,
salacity
and revulsion.

I mean, you don’t want
to give a girl a vibratorv5a
unless it’s in some kinda
groovy, cockamamie way.

Otherwise, she could pick
out a much more suitable
cockamamie, herself.

Hell, who needs you for that?

And maybe that’s the
whole point of those
damned things anyway.

But, as Jose Jimenez would say:
” Oh, I Hope NOT. “

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!

z99

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11 thoughts on “Love At The Mall

  1. J.D. Riso says:

    I totally forgot that it’s that time of year again. That coke holder….I gotta get one of those for my sister.

  2. PS…Did you get mauled at the mall?! Building those 50-Shades-Of-Bare-Bears might attract people who like to “maul” others! 😉 😀

  3. Ha! I snorted a few times reading this post! 😀
    I would love one of those soda-can cozie-holders! 😛
    The suggestive-er the VD gifts and cards the better! 😉
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  4. Absolutely, any gift vibrators for her should be kept to the minimum diameter and length. Very good advice. 🙂

  5. julespaige says:

    I used to know a gal who specialized in chocolates…
    You are right when you say if you want it – it is out there!

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