Do we get letters,
— you ask?
we get letters, man.
I guess we get letters.
we get em, anyway,
….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..
have to anything
these days, anyway?
YES, we do get letters.
Thanks for asking.
Like this next —
and not in any
way, shape, or form–
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):
Dear Mister Muscleheaded:
I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert
PS… The ‘T’s are silent.
I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.
Assuming- of course –
that you mean:
‘go to bed with you’
and for FREE.
(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,
but we’ll go with it —
Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.
As I was saying…
There are two main approaches.
and let her get to know you —
spending time together,
learning about her background,
If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.
The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.
…. although the type of
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)
While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,
I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,
— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.
— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.
But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….
And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.
And a lot has to do with the delivery.
— no matter how good the line is —
— it might not turn her on.
So, by all means,
— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.
Chicks dig that.
Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,
feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.
Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–
Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar home simultaneously.
1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”
2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”
3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”
4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”
6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”
7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”
8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”
9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway.”
10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”
13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”
14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”
— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,
you can use this one–
….which is guaranteed to get….
at least a reaction of some kind,
— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,
…. but I am also the only one
talking to you. ”
That’s all of it….
So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,
from Chico Marx,
( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)
” I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth ”