Not Swell Motels

tingleCrappy Motels.


Over the years,
I have to admit,

that I’ve slept over
in some places
that made one
wonder if the place
was still going
to be standing–hiway

— if and when —

I woke up.

Oh sure–

It’s sometimes a
matter of necessity.

Where you are isn’t
where you’re going,jacky

but you can’t get
there right now.

So, you’re stuck —

errrr…. else.

And that
somewhere else is …19

…….. like,
nowheresville, man.

Other times,

it’s simply because:

you exercised even
less good judgment
than usual…

were motivated by
the promise of
a jiffy lube,

involving a
and certainly-curvaceous-
plenteous girl,

— standing by the sign
that perpetually blinks

and a 25-cents-for-3-minutesclwon
vibro-message bed
that you already
have to know

won’t work right,

(but ends up costing more than curvaceous plenteous)

and the assorted dick
residual effects
of a quart and a half
of Wild Turkey
with Guinness chasers.

Or, maybe:

it was your thrifty side
that suddenly kicked in
just long enough
to make you regret checking
into the cheapest fleabag
in the tri-state area.

Oh sure,
good decision,
there, pal.

Damn it,
the black and white TV
with the ‘OUT OF ORDER’
sign in the lobby100%
was bad enough —

why would any
dependable inn-keeper
keep a gold framed
autographed portrait
of Crazy Charlie Manson
behind the check-in desk ???

Even the ‘French Tickler’
for a quarter vending
machine in the lobby
should have told you
somethin’ —-cadilaac

Yeah, I know….

there’s all sorts of stuff
that can go
in/out or at
those kinds of places,

— and while you were
actually hoping
for a few of them —tx

the ones you actually got
well, not so much.

The place advertised
brand new hand-held
showers —

A shiny galvanized bucket
and a hosebitoparis
isn’t exactly what
you expected,
but, oh well.

Not a big deal….
you never smell
all that good anyway.

The expression ‘Recently Remodeled’
can be misleading at times —

when it was forced
remodeling —ky

— due to the fact that
the State had built
that 8 lane super-highway
too close to some
of the rooms.



Who knew your room
would end up being in
the middle of a
median strip?a1

And that stuff about
the place being built
on an old Indian
burial mound….

Looking at the walls,
that does seem to
be a distinct possibility.

The old circa-1926
motel sign should have
sparked off all kinds
of idiot-lights,
ya know.

They didn’t even bother
to permanently conceal
the “ALL ROOMS $5″
part of the sign all that well.

And you do know that if
the blank space on that sign
is filled by a phrase like:

” —sale


— ok, fine,
if it’s August, maybe —
but notice
they didn’t mention
Air Conditioning at all.

Of course,
accepting credit cards
is a must —sunset

— but who ever heard
of a motel accepting
J.C. Penney’s cards?

the phrase
‘seasonal pool in every room’
mightn’t really tell you the full story —

when the phrase
‘gaping hole in the roof’ fowler
would have been much
more descriptive.

I get the idea of
posting rates on the sign.

I always appreciate
that if I’m coming off the highway.

But remember,

HOURLY rates are never
considered a positive indicator
in the hotel industry.loli

And it’s nice that
folks can bring their dogs
with them when they
travel, and all —-

But I don’t remember
having fleas, impetigo and hookworms before I
checked into that place.

Come on, man —

I don’t mind the place
running promotions
to draw in business…….

acBut who ever heard
of a legitimate motel
with a sign advertising

maybe they’re talking
about that girl
hanging out by the office, again.


I wonder if they still got any of those $5 dollar rooms left.





9 thoughts on “Not Swell Motels

  1. HA! Snort! 😀
    Oh, I want to stay at The Clown Motel! 😛
    One time we passed a motel and on the sign it said, “Rooms starting at $_4.95” The number that was supposed to be in front of the 4 must’ve fallen off. Ha! I wonder if they had to give anybody a room for their advertised price! 😀
    The worst, weirdest, creepiest motel I ever stayed in was in Raton, NM.
    I blogged about it a couple of times.
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  2. julespaige says:

    I’m sure there is more than one ‘Cadillac’ Hotel…
    There’s at least one in Kentucky… on the other side of the town that wasn’t in the revitalized town plans… right across from the ‘Cadillac’ diner…
    (Think I’ll stick with a name brand hovel…)

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