You Don’t Want To Be A Doormat

dorI had to drop in
on a sick friend
today at her home
in the local palatial
trailer park.

She’s been outta sorts
and all with the flu,

…and has been in
need of some normal,
healthy human contact.

( and since nobody normal
and healthy was available,
I went instead. )

I was wearing my N-95
mask respirator when
she opened the door.cigarettes and repirators

I don’t think she thought
it was all that
funny, though.

But, no worries–

— I think the lump
on my head should
heal in a coupla days.

I brought her some
Vicks Vapor Rub,
…. hoping she’d want
help rubbing it on —
— ( she didn’t ) —

and, also :

some of my Mom’s
world famous,chcikeny
award winning,
special recipe
chicken noodle soup

It’s available at
any grocery store,
…… just look for the
red and white label,

M’m! M’m!


Anyhoo–encore toi

She’s got this
funny door mat —

They used to call it
a welcome mat,

…… but I don’t think
this one qualifies.

just in case you’re of
them guys who were
too busy paying
attention to how short
the high school French
teacher’s skirt was,

….. instead of to the
valuable French language
lesson she was trying to
I will translate.

( Actually so was I —
….. but you always got
Google Translate in a
pinch, ya know. )

It says: ” Oh Shit —
Not You Again

I guess she was expecting me.


I hadn’t realized
you could get funny
doormats like that.

I guess I don’t visit
people much.

I’m not sure I’d
get one for my
house, though.

I’ve kinda learned
my lesson
about trying to be funny
around the house.

I remember back
in the early 80’s,
when answering
were all the rage.

I had gotten a tape of
different celebrity impersonators
doing funny
‘leave your message at the tone’
blurbs — under

There were like 10 or 12 different voices, saying semi-witty stuff.

Well, I had put this
tape on my machine,

…and it wasn’t but a
couple of days before
I started getting
calls at all hours —

But, they wouldn’t
leave a message–
’cause they didn’t
want to talk to me.

clothesPeople were calling just to listen to the tape.

If I answered, you might hear some snickering,

but otherwise,
they’d just hang up and
call back until I didn’t.

22Finally, I had to take the
answering machine
off the line.


That’s the kinda thing that makes you wanna be a people person, don’t it?


Getting back to the
whole funny doormat thing.

Despite the surprising variety
of witty doormats available….

and the fact that my dog
might actually enjoy the
attention and amusement
that one of these doormats
might generate for her ….
(….she might actually
think I bought it for her … )

I’m thinking that
since my very
hard earned lesson
with the whole 1980’s answering machine debacle—-

…..that maybe I will not avail
myself of the opportunity
to express myself in this way.

Somehow, I don’t think
the mailman guy really
cares what my doormat says,

…..and from what I’ve been
able to glean from his delivery style,
I’m not even sure he can read, anyway.

And I certainly don’t want
people coming over to my house
at all hours of the day and night
to read my doormat.

it could happen.





7 thoughts on “You Don’t Want To Be A Doormat

  1. HA! These mats are all great! I’d love to own the “Dog Likes Strangers” one!
    Cooper picked out my doormat!
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  2. Hira says:

    Where do we find such doormats? What a collection. I see what my husband has to say to these..

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