Don’t Write “Luv Ya”

 One of the old booklets
I’ve got in my collection
is called:
How To Write Love Letters
by Walter S. Keating,
from around 1944.

Walter S. Keating was a
pseudonym for a lady
named Henrietta Rosenberg —

Could it be, I wonder,
that no one would take
a woman’s sex advice
seriously back then,
or perhaps it was simply
a matter of her keeping
a low profile.

Information is so sketchy
on her that other than
her registered pseudonym,
she’s like a ghost
(– writer).

Now, I told you that
I did have the thing
in my collection, right?

Well, I spilled coffee
all over it and ruined it
before I ever got to
post about it.

However, there were a
couple of chapters, like:

How To Express Your Love

How To Make Him
Or Her Miss You

How To Assure Him
or Her of Your Faithfulness

How To Break The Ice

How To Discuss Those
“Little Things” About Love

Useful Synonyms
etc.

And I got to thinking
(after cleaning up the big
old Java mess on my desk)
that since the information
was kinda dated anyway,
that I’d take a crack at
a Muscleheaded reconstruction…

…… of sorts, anyway.

What the hot-rod world
would call a ‘retro-mod’.

Everybody knows
how smooth a guy I am, right?

So, eazy peazy, man.

I bet this is going to be
almost good enough to
sell for a buck in the
back of a comic book.

Let’s see, now….

I can start at one
of my pet peeves.
Signing anything with:
” Luv Ya ”

I’m sorry, dawg,
but if that’s the
most passionate expression
that you can come up with
to tell her how much you
WANT/NEED/MUST HAVE
her-

Well, you are indeed the
prototype for love’s version
of Alfred E Neuman.

Lame.

I know my mental response
to that phrase when someone
said it to me has always been:
” I KINDA DOUBT THAT “.

In other words, don’t
pussy-foot around
with half-assed
semi-committal rhetoric.

Cause she ain’t
gonna believe it,
and you obviously
don’t either.

And that goes for
your entire content.

While I’m pretty sure that Henrietta wouldn’t
have phrased it this way,
I say, if you want to give
her orgasms from the
moment you see her
again until the sun
turns a bright hue of green,
TELL HER EXACTLY THAT.

If you miss her so bad
that even your hair hurts,
man, TELL HER THAT.

Ain’t no sense in
being shy about it —
she’ll never know
until you tell her.

Anaïs Nin used to write
love letters to Henry Miller
back in the 1930’s
that would absolutely
singe your eyeballs.

Yoweeee.

Alright,
so looking
at this whole deal, I’ve
got a lot more on
this subject to
ejaculate
… errr….
— interject,
if you will,
(speaking of useful synonyms)
than I originally thought,

so we’ll call this post
‘part one’–
and end it with one of
those Anaïs Nin letters
that I told you about.

Hey, you know
nobody reads
posts longer
than 500 words,
man.

So……….

Take it away,
 Anaïs.

6 August 1932

Oh,
Henry,

I was so upset by your letter this morning.
When it was given to me all the artificially pent-up feelings
overwhelmed me. The very touch of the letter was as if you had taken me all into your arms. You know now what I felt when I read it. You said everything that would touch and win me and I was moist, and so impatient that I am doing everything to gain a day. This note I’m enclosing, which I wrote you last night two hours after mailing my letter, will help you to understand what is happening. Anyway, you must have received the telegram almost at the same time. I belong to you! We’re going to have a week such as we never dreamt yet.
“The thermometer will burst.”

I want to feel again the violent thumping inside of me, the rushing, burning blood, the slow, caressing rhythm and the sudden violent pushing, the frenzy of pauses when I hear the raindrop sounds… how it leaps in my mouth, Henry. Oh, Henry, I can’t bear to be writing you—I want you desperately, I want to open my legs so wide, I’m melting and palpitating. I want to do things so wild with you that I don’t know how to say them. 

 Anaïs

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13 thoughts on “Don’t Write “Luv Ya”

  1. […] probably don’t remember a post from a couple days back called: ” Don’t Write Luv Ya “ , in which we regaled you with our vision of a modernized- muscleheaded version of […]

  2. I love Anaïs. And love her words.
    Yes, women want love-words AND love-actions from men.
    And I’ve found that men appreciate the same. 🙂
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  3. mislucja says:

    Dayum! If I ever received a love letter like THAT one I’d be “moist” too …. yowza!

    Hubs needs to step up his game, man!

  4. ktz2 says:

    A+++++ great post! Love the bungled love letter examples, basically saying ‘Ok I love you, I f— said it, happy now ?’. . hahaha.
    Although it’s from a positive place I absolutely can’t stand that persistent thing of a ‘cute’ little teddy bear with outstretched arms saying I Wuv You THIS MUCH ! Maybe for a 4 yr old…Never ever for an adult !

    Yeah old Henry & Anais had it going on alright! I discovered Anais through her Delta of Venus stories.. hoo-boy!

  5. Mrs Fever says:

    Sorry, but as soon as I started reading Anais, I started thinking of. chocolate. Isn’t there a candy bar named “O Henry!”?

  6. Thys says:

    At some point in time I tried recreating these vintage cards… and realized it won’t work for me… That means I would need to let my drawings sit in a drawer for 20 years where the paper can age naturally. Once I discarded that I idea I figured its easier to simply admire the true vintage ones 🙂

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