Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

No,
not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
V
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
anyway,bang
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.

:::

Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Signed,
Careful With Money.

.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,carwreck

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Signed,
Prince Lovesick.

.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)
 

.

.

Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.
deepthroat

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.

.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
weird
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

Signed,
A Plagiarist in Love.
.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

Dumbass.
PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)
  

.

Happy V-Day !

————————————————————
arough

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Letters of the Lovelorn

  1. J.D. Riso says:

    Love those vintage valentines. Happy belated.

  2. Miss Suzie Wonder should start her own Podcast or YouTube show! 😉 I’d listen/watch! 😀

    LOVE that vintage VD card!!! 🙂 HA! I wrote a blog years ago (can’t remember if I ended up sharing it) about how I wanted to be a pirate’s wench, a caveman’s woman, aviking’s woman, etc. 😀

    Happy VD ❤ !!! HUGS!!! 🙂

Leave a Comment -- I'd Love to Hear From You !

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s