Ooops I Did It Again

HumiliationYou know,
your mother tried
to warn you about it
a long time ago.


She told you…
always wear clean underwear

….. cause you never know
when you’re gonna get
in an accident.

She wanted to save you
from the bane of all mankind –car


The forcible, unexpected,
and totally embarrassing
humbling of a human being:

……. from a proud, strong,
potent individual ——

to a grovelling, quivering bowl
of jello looking for a place to
hide his shame.

And, even assuming
you do wear clean

(… which would
be very nice,
thank you ….)

there are gonna be times
when humilation is gonna
happen to you,

whether you could do
anything to avoid it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, here.

I’m not saying humiliation
doesn’t serve a potentially
useful function for society.

There are people who need
one heapin’ helpin’ bleach
of humility on a
continual basis.

Unfortunately, it never seems
to happen to them.

Instead, it always seems to
happen to nice guys like
you and me.

But maybe it’ll help to
talk about it, huh?
that’s me…
Mister Helpful.

Let’s say you’re on a first date
with this new cutie you met
at the Quickie Lube.

It’s a poshy restaurant,
where Garçon knows
your name and even
what you drink.

(Wild Turkey
on the rocks)gramps

You figure
that’ll go a long way
to impress her.

Conversation flowing nicely.

She likes dogs,
you like dogs.

She likes movies,
you like movies.

She likes lobster,
you order it for her.

It’s going swimmingly,
until you off handedly
remark that Betty Freidan
was no better of a writer
than she looked.ironcity

And now,
you’re wearing that
expensive 1997 M. Chapoutier
La Mordorée Côte-Rôtie….

— it’s dripping from every
facial orifice…
and your pocket feminist has stormed out.

What do you do?

Sure, you could blush
redder than cheap Sangria,
mop your face immediately,
and beat feet outta there, too.

But, you got your pride.james

Hey, buddy-
she just threw $300 bucks
of grape juice in yer face,
you know?

Not to mention you
haven’t touched your
Wild Turkey.

you could let it drip,
smile, wave at the sommelier-
and tell him in a calm,
modulated voice- that:

“although she didnt
like the wine,
I think it’s wonderful, please
bring me another of the same –

Now you can daub,
very calmly, very carefully.

Just like James Bond.

Shaken, but not stirred.

You are cool,

You gotta stay cool..
you gotta keep your

A lot of people find
having a colonoscopy

so much so, they get
put to sleep while
they endure it.

Not me.moth

I tell the Doctor I want to
compare the experience
with the time I was picked
up by aliens.

You gotta stay loose.

It doesnt matter what
the source of the humiliation —

— If your dental plate comes
out while you are arguing with
some creeps in a bar, start yelling:

If the rolled up sock comes
outta your shorts while
you’re on the leg press –
(we all know what it’s
doing there, don’t we?) –

— smile, pick it up and
put it back.

After all, you weren’t fooling
anybody, anyway, pal.

If you run into an old girlfriend
on a busy street while strolling
with your new prospective hottie,

and she loudly reminds you
of all the weight you’ve gained
since she last saw ya —-

You can joke that the best weight
you lost was that 130 pounds of HER.

Caught wearing shortsstiffy
during a sudden snowstorm?

A mere bag o shells, my friend.

Look at everybody
and smirk like they’re
wimps for shiverin in their coats.

Bad haircut?

Oh hell…
why suffer needlessly?
Buy a hat.

Clap or laugh
at the wrong time?

Keep it up until everybody wtf
else figures they should
be, too.

That girl in the bar tell ya
that you remind her of
her dear departed ole

Ask her if he was
as good in bed as you are.

Lose your bathing suit at
Waikiki Beach in high waves?emb

I mean, you cant stay
out there all day….
and there’s not enough
sea weed for a makeshift
hula skirt.

Do I what I did.

Wave surf in
on your tummy,
and then run like hell
for your towel.

and don’t forget to smile.

!!! HOY !!!



4 thoughts on “Ooops I Did It Again

  1. HA! This made me smile AND snort-laugh!
    We’ve all been there, done that, got the t-shirt…in one way or another! ‘Tis life!
    Love the embarrassing your kids photo/poster!!! 😀
    HUGS!!! 🙂

  2. Jules says:

    That parent thing… My folks had way too much fun! LOL!

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