Oh, Not One Of Those

ridjidIt’s Christmas
morning,
and it’s that
yearly
time of
reckoning —

–to see
if you figured
out how to gift your
special someone
with that special
something .

And somethin’
tells me
that some lady
of you
fucked it
completely up –
– again.

Please,
please –
– tell me you didn’t
fall into the holiday
ad trap.

Advertisers have a
knack for presenting
their products
at Christmastimesuck
that would lead a
man to the crackpot
conclusion that
buying her
something that
you ordinarily would
consider everyday
household equipment
is a great idea
for a holiday present.

And such bad ideassilverware
on what to
get her have been
featured in advertising
for decades ……

… and you ain’t learned
YET ?

Man, –
whatever else
you do –
don’t listen to the ads.

Woe to you,
my friend,stuff
if you have been
wooed by the siren
songs of :

“happier households
with a Hoover” —

“crock pots
make her hot” ,

“silverware for
your sweetie”,

or even a
“mixer for
your mistress”.

‘Cause that vacuum cleanerhoover
you gift her for Christmas
2018 will be the only thing
that’s going to get any
sucking action in 2019.

You will have violated
the unspoken rule :

— been
hornswoggled,
hoaxed,
and hoodwinked,

— you will have
tread upon
the devil himself’s
threshing floor,

— and dared
the angels
to reap righteous
vengeance
upon the
other male
members of
your previously
happy home.

Yes,
I pity the fool.

Remember,
for next year —
Rule Number 7
Section 4,
Subsection G
in the Man’s
Handbook :

“When in doubt,
buy her
booze,
jewelry,
or lingerie.”blacklabel

And gifting
her all three
will almost
guarantee a
very kicky
holiday
weekend,
indeed.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

.

fredericks

 

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22 thoughts on “Oh, Not One Of Those

  1. dievca says:

    Not quite Christmas/Holidays – but it brings this to mind:

  2. HA! Great read, C! 😀
    And Rule Number 7, Section 4, Subsection G is GREAT advice! 😛 And YOUR final sentence is EVEN GREATER advice! 😉
    HUGS and Hope it was a Hap Hap Happy Christmas at your house!!! 🙂

  3. YarrowHill says:

    If the hubs buys appliances for Christmas they’d better have a few vibrating attachments.

    🙂

  4. msjadeli says:

    “— you will have
    tread upon
    the devil himself’s
    threshing floor,” hahahaha Merry Christmas!

    • I hope you had a wonderful holiday! 🙂

      • msjadeli says:

        Yes it was pretty good. Got to spend the afternoon with my sons and their special ladies. How was yours?

        • That’s excellent ! Mine was chasing/playing with the dogs and chowing down on Polish food , with a smattering of wrapping paper cleanup… and I caught up on my Hemingway. 😀

          • msjadeli says:

            What kind of dogs do you have? And which Papa book are you reading? Is it any good? I’m not sure if I’ve ever read any of his books…

            • 🙂 Daisie is a Australian Shepherd, Byng is a Jack Russell Mix, and Killah is a Pomeranian. 🙂
              YES! Hemingway is one of my favorite writers – the lost generation writers in general, but YES!
              I’d recommend starting with “The Old Man In The Sea” to see if you relate to his style. Then, the must reads for those interested in Hemingway – “The Sun Also Rises” , “Snows Of Kilimanjaro” , and “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.

            • msjadeli says:

              Such cute names for your dogs 🙂 When I see those titles I think maybe I read Old Man in the Sea but it was a long time ago. I’m sure the library will have these titles. They may need another read through an adult’s eyes.

            • Oh yes- a mature reader will see all kinds of perspectives in his work that a younger person wouldn’t pick up – especially dealing with emotional and existential aspects.

  5. Mrs Fever says:

    I very nearly got my husband a carpet steam-cleaner for Christmas. He would have been quite happy to have one (ours gave up the ghost recently, and that particular chore falls firmly in the category of “HIS Job”), but I didn’t want to give him any ideas concerning Gifts of Appliances Future. 😉

    :: shudder ::

  6. Well said and words to live by , if you want to live happily. Restrain yourself from buying her anything that has anything to do with cooking, cleaning or belongs under the hood of the car.

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