Obey The Impulse, Or Not

It’s hard to explain
just what this post
looked like in the
back of my mind
when I first conceived
it…..

it was something
that someone
said about the whole
experience of
‘living on the impulse’
that had
peeked,
panged and
pecked
at the
very tiny creative part
of my mind and
eventually came
to interest me as a
post topic.

As soon as I started
to write about
what I was thinking,
however —

— peculiar societal memories
of commercial products
(like chewing gum, snacks,
and soda pop) and vintage
behave-yourself propaganda
(like sexual health brochures)
kept popping up –

– naughtily intermingling –

though I’m not exactly sure
how they’re all connected,
really.

Hmmm.

I guess the subconscious
message I got early in life
was, if you’re spending
money, you should give
into the impulse to buy –

– but, if you’re just having
free fun, then you should
go do something else
more constructive, instead –
like making more money
to buy more stuff.

Still, that doesn’t seem
exactly right…..

‘Cause hardly anybody’s
grand-mother charged
grand-dad to have a
good time –
and we’re all here,
regardless.

And it’s not like anybody
with any sense could
think that eating a ‘Twinkie’
could or would constitute
the same qualitative
potential enjoyment value
as would a significant other –

– errr…. I mean,

‘letting it all hang out’
with a significant other.

(Based on just flavor alone,
you can see the error in that,
I’m sure, but I digress).

I do like those raspberry
flavored ‘Zingers’ a lot,
but let’s not get ridiculous,
now.

And GUM ?

In general, chewing gum
is pretty much a substitute
for doing nothing at all –

— it certainly is not a feast
for the senses and never
has been.

Two seconds of a weird
chemical-fruit-flavor
and then it’s just
rubbery sensory
purgatory.

Hell, the worst intimate
tryst that I ever experienced
contained more bursts
of excitement and pleasure
than that, for crying out
loud.

(10 more seconds worth,
at least….. )

Blow as hard you want,
it’s still just gum, man.

So maybe I misunderstood
what ‘they’ve’ been trying
to tell us —

–or maybe the message
has changed ??

Is there a message at all?

Is this all just
random nonsense?

Oh, damn.

And I thought it was
gonna get deep.

!!! HOY !!!

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If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

Disappointments And Excuses

yeast

Disappointment.

Life’s full of opportunities
to experience it
in one form
or another.

Sometimes it’s got
to do with having
unreasonable
expectations…..

And,
sometimes
it’s got to do
with having anyza
expectations at all.

It could be as simple as
waiting your whole life
for your ‘special day’,
and having the thing
ruined by a
combination of:

a class 4 hurricane,

a heroin addict
for a future mother-in-law,chilly

an event site with
19th century plumbing,

a cake base made
primarily out of pudding,

a dinner put together
by an infinite number
of monkeys wearing chef coats,

a totally insignificant
significant other,

and an invitation list that
would ruin any party,
but especially this one.feelings

Man,
I feel you.

And if it’s any consolation,
I can explain to you exactly
why that happened to you.

It’s human nature.

Cause
people are assholes. parisi

Most people, anyway-

You and me aren’t, of course.

( Actually, I’m not all that
sure about me, but,
we’ll carry on ……. )

They’ll ruin anything
you let em near.

That weather guy who
predicted “Sunny and Warm” disap
only the day before —

That dope head who
thought she’d better go on
and double her dose
to ‘loosen up’  —

The guy who told you that
the site could seat 400
when he actually meant
midget frogs who wouldn’twakey
need chairs or tables, or bathrooms —

The expert cake baker who didn’t know you couldn’t
make a wedding cake out
of nothing but FroYo —

The kitchen staff who
obviously got
their cooking degrees somewhere where basic sanitation and culinary
requirements here are only
suggestions and considered
pretty ridiculous ones at that —

The bridegroom who
has the manners and vocabulary
of a 4 year old and all the charm
of a dead rat —

And a group of peopledi
I wouldn’t ever want
to put together
for anything but a firing squad.

Oh, Missus Organist,
would you please play
that Mendelssohn
piece out of key again,
pretty please?

Aughhhhh.

Didn’t they say
they would have
an open bar in
here somewhere?


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