Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.


Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.


Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.


Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —


mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.


I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.


3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.


………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.


Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:



Taking It To The Next Level

I’ve heard enough.

Who’s with me?

I’m for beating the hell
outta the next person who
uses that meaningless
expression —

“Take It To The Next Level”.

Just what fuckin’ level
are they
even talking about?

Come on,
why can’t you just say
“make it better” ?

It’s video game speak ,
—- it must be.

And how about this one:
I’m a force to
be reckoned with
” .

By whom,
and for what?

I reckon that’s just another
worthless meaningless
expression that people use
when they wanna sound
motivated and confident
when they actually are
the total opposite.

Like :
Ok, it’s Go Time.

Hey, I know what
Miller Time is, but
when somebody says
it’s ‘Go Time’ – I figure
they need the restroom —
it’s over there behind the
paper bearings and the
left handed smoke shifters.

Next time, take it easy with
the dried prune snacks.

A very nice lady came up
to me in the gym yesterday —

She smiled and said:
“Can I ask you a question? “

I smiled back, and said :
” Was that it ? ”

She frowned at me
and walked away.

I felt a bit bad,
but I still help but wonder,
if she wanted to ask more
than one question,
why didn’t she just say so?

Or better yet-
why count ’em at all?

Who am I, the
Count on Sesame Street?

” ONE – ONE –
Bwhahahahahahahahaha. ” 

And everybody knows
that I like Cookie Monster
better, anyhow.

Tell ya what.

Gimme a cookie,
and you can
ask as many questions
as you want.

I’m a reasonable fella, after all.

How about the guys who say
something really vapid
and then end with :
In My Humble Opinion” .

of course
it’s your fucking opinion

and we’ll skip the whole
issue of your doubtful humility
for the time being  —

— just say what’s on your
very limited mind
and get out, man.

But the worst one — 
oh, I probably shouldn’t even
get started on this one, but —

” It IS What It IS. ” 

I once heard a guy with
a doctorate in philosophy say it.

It’s amazing what 300 bucks
and a stamp will get ya these days.

!!! HOY !!!


All art on this post is copyrighted
and was created by the wonderful
Bill Watterson.

They are used under the ‘Fair
Use’ Provisions of Title 17 —
U.S.C. Section 107.

1 Page of Whack

Sometimes I don’t
think I know
‘what is’
‘what is not’ funny
these days.

Yesterday’s post
called something-or-other
was one I laughed
all the way
through the
writing of it  —aquestions

And I dunno whether it lost
something in the translation
between me thinking
about the stuff and me
writing it into the blog….

But nobody had anything
at all to say about it.

(up until my good friend ‘ C ‘
came to the rescue this morning)

Sure, attention whore, I.

And I don’t blame my readers.

(I love them passionately.)

I myself probably would
have found the motivation
to read something entitled
176 pages of…anything
hard to muster first thing
in the morning.

But my excuse for
wingeing and whining
about it anyway is that
feedback does helpspurgin
me feel out which
one of my posts
are connecting and
which ones
are crashing like a led zeppelin.

waaah waaah.

I seem to remember
something from my
psychology classes
that laughing at stuff
other people don’t think
is funny is a marker for
being a looney.

Technical term,
— ‘looney’.

Hey, look it up.

Just what else would qualify
a person as a looney,
I wonder?

Expecting 20 year old
gym-hotties to find a
silver haired 60 year
old geezer ‘sexy’.


Shoving a tape recorder
up ones nose.


Grabbing women’s asses just
because you can get away with it.


Well, I don’t do any of those things….

Maybe I just got an attitude problem.

Where’s my DSM-IV when I need it ?

!!!! HOY !!!!

PS: Thanks to Feve for
the opening picture !



176 Pages Of High Jinx

I saw this ad in a
vintage publication
not long ago–

It advertises a book
from 1942, called:
” In Defense of The
Bachelor – The
Playboy’s Handbook ” .

Now, obviously the term
‘playboy’ doesn’t refer
in any way to the famous
men’s magazine founded by
Hugh Hefner a decade
or so later —

No, this ad used the
word in it’s
more generic
‘randy-male’ sense.

And so, naturally,
being a rather randy
male myself (ahem)
I’m interested in the
secrets this thing
might contain —

— not that I’m thinking
they’ll be all that pertinent
to the whole scene here
in 2017, but more cause
it’d tell me what it meant
to be wild and footloose
in the 1940’s.

And, hell, you never know
what you might pick
along the way, ya know.

I did see an original copy
at a stamp and print show,
but it was 50 bucks.

50 Bucks for outdated tips
on picking up girls who’d
probably be way over
100 now?

Seems overpriced –
I like mature women,
but they wouldn’t be able
to even remember my
phone number – never mind, anything else.

So, after consideration,
(and counting the seven
dollar bills in my wallet )
I thought I might have a
stab at writing my own
Muscleheaded version
of it using this ‘partial list
of the rare, exhilarating
and hilarious contents‘.

Let’s take em
an item at a time.

Truthfully, I don’t think
the well vaunted
“Bachelor Life”
wasn’t ever a lot
about hiding under beds – –

— not a lot of room under
those things, anyway —

especially those ginchey
heart shaped revolving ones
you’d see in magazines.

— and,
about 90 percent of the time
the Bachelor’s Life
seemed more about ordering
one medium size popcorn
and sitting alone in the dark.

so maybe the
reference is obscure –
just ask Pee-Wee
if you don’t get it.

Hilarious, right?

so I’ll lighten up.

Item two.

Love in Hollywood.

Item three.
The Playboy at Fifty.

Ok, something I can partly
relate to in some way,
having attained that age
a couple of years ago .

And let me just
say it sucked.

So, thinking about
having to spend it alone ,
playboy or not,
would have just added
major, major suckage.

Item four.
Something about Puritans.

I hate em.

Item five.

I’m pretty sure
that Paul Simon
already answered
this one for me,
even though the
guy can’t count
for shit.

Item six.
Freudy Cat. Hmmm…..

— being a
Jungian myself,
I don’t know a lot about it,
but I probably do need
to remind you that a
Freudian slip is
when you say
one thing and
mean your mother.


How many more of
these chapters
ARE there?


!!!! HOY !!!!!