I Yam What I Yam

On a recent trip,
my daughter brought
me back a book on
interesting and
beautifully illustrated
wise old proverbs from
other cultures that she
found in a strange gift
shop that described itself
(in a different language,
of course) as:

“a little bit of everything
and everywhere”.

And I think our theme
today is going to follow
just that line.

One of the adages
in the book that I
particularly enjoyed
was this one, from
the Yoruba culture:

“No matter how hot
your temper is, it won’t
help you cook yams. “

Now, I’m not a fan
of yams, myself…..

So, maybe I can’t
blame myself for
not knowing this,
but it’s direct from
the US Department
of Agriculture —

“Yams” are not
the same vegetable
as “Sweet Potatoes”.

“Yams” are grown
mostly in Africa and
East Asia, with several
varieties also grown
in Polynesia and the
West Indies.

They are rarely
found in American
supermarkets, and
belong to the Lily

They have a dark
brown peel, are
much starchier,
take much longer
to cook and prepare,
and they can grow to
over 125 pounds.

The majority
of the world’s
supply comes from –
-you guessed it –

And there’s never
been any record of
any bad-tempered
person being able
to cook em just by
getting angry.

Which, I guess goes
for “Sweet Potatoes “,
too, but they’re native
to the Americas –
and derived from the
the Morning Glory

And no,
I don’t like
them either.

Call em what you
want, I don’t care.

Just pile a heap of
stuffing on my plate
in their place at
Thanksgiving dinner
and I’m a happy guy.

(Yes, I know it’s
early to be talking
about Turkey Day,
but hell, they’re
already running
Christmas commercials. )

And don’t forget the
canned cranberry
sauce, man –
ice cold.

It’s gotta have
those rings
if it’s gonna
make me sing.

And don’t
be bullshittin’
on the pumpy
pie, either.

!!! HOY !!!



Friday’s In The Bag

Friday !

It’s errrr….
Friday !

I was just thinking
how much I was
missing the whole
‘fish stick’ festival
thing my family did
every Friday back
when I was a kid.

Those actually
weren’t that bad,
once you drown-ded
em in ketchup
and salt.

I haven’t even had a
fish stick in so long ,
and I’d probably no
longer ‘remember’
how ‘great’ they were
— if I did.

Eating fish on friday
was a good way
to remind you
that the weekend was
so, close.

Which of course,
it is.

Unless you’re reading this
on Monday, in which case,
I would recommend you run
right out and get some
frozen fish sticks and
try to conjure up some
of that lost weekend mojo.

Good luck
with that, man.

Speaking of stuff
that I like–

(ya know,
memories of fish sticks… )

I found a couple great
vintage postcards
about Absinthe,
(et al ) 
from the days
when the stuff was
so potent that it made
artists forget
their other paints
and go straight
for the greens
and yellows.

Hey- don’t ask me –

I don’t paint —

so it never
did anything
to me except
make me

And while
I appreciate
that aspect
for sure,
I’ve never really
needed the
extra help.


!!! HOY !!!!



Doin’ The Donut

1948As you’ve probably have learned
from reading the Muscleheaded Blog —

There’s a lot about
the previous generations
that they never told us about.

We grew up thinking
that they didn’t have all that many vices to speak of —

….. at least,
I did.

boy howdy,
were we misled.

I guess maybe it was
just a whole lot easier
to keep their
and fancies secret
than it is for us today.


we can always
get a glimpse
of just how weirddonutgames
they were back then,
from their printed matter–

— like advertising,
of course,
and brochures.

This interesting submission
came to ushole
all the way
from California.

If emails needed stamps,
that woulda got
kinda expensive.

And somehow,
I shouldn’t be all
that surprised
that it came from
there, either.um

my friends…..

The next time your party
starts to go flatter than one
of Suzie Wonder’s
gluten-free pancakes–

You can become the
life of the gang bang,
with this handy guide.

It’s called:
The Most Popular
Donut Games
” —
and features 9 or 10
exciting and festive excuses
— to buy a bunch of donuts.bend

( Sure, you could just eat ’em,
but what fun would there be in that? )

It contains some very
strange suggested diversions –

Like this illustration
on how to eat donuts
‘doggie style’.

I dunno if a poodle skirtdonutqueen
is optional or not.

But I like the hands-tied-
behind-the-back idea,

Nothing says “PARTY” to me
like bondage.

Also included,
are a complete set of rules
for amusing yourself and your party guests with :

The Donut Snatch Dance.

Yes, sure,
the namea1
suggests an interesting
party concept for sure…

But in this case,
it’s simply about
making chicks
carry a donut around
on a red ribbon
while the guys at the
party try to take a bite out of it.

If they get a piece…,
of her donut,
that is… ,
they get a dance.

I’m so disappointed.

Still, it has potential.

You could substitute for1951
the donut, I guess…

And the prize could have
been upgraded on demand,
for all I know.

While I’m no fan of donuts,

(well, ok,
a nice French Cruller
every once in a while
goes nice with a double espresso)

—— any excuse
for friskiness at a boring party,
no matter how mundane,
is OK with me.donutime

Hey, man —
It’s always Do-Nut time.

……. yeah.



And since
I’m obviously still writing
the same tawdry kitsch
I’ve been doing for 15 years now,

—– these submissions are
right up my alley.

Of course,
one of these days,
I might even start dunk
getting good at it,
too… dammit.

it could happen.

And I do love donuts.

and by the way,1957
friends, remember–

The next time
you place your order ,
Don’t forget to say :



Hey Mister Moose–
Myrna says:
Have A Donut !!!!!



Little Packets of Love

loveYes, my friend —

Love sure can get weird.

You can have all the
best intentions in the world —

— not to buy into the whole ‘love/ownership’ thing,

and more especially ,

the intention ‘to stay a bachelor’.

Sure, ok —2

So you found this one ‘special’ girl
that can do all the stuff you like,
and pizza flavored, too.

But that doesn’t mean
you should throw out
the anchor and
settle down, right?

All your friends remind you
that there’s plenty o fish in the sea,

….. and all that.

And I mean,

think of your hard
earned reputation.a1

( Wait,
maybe we shouldn’t talk about that… )


I agree clean sheets are a nice luxury,
(and for some reason, a marital requisite),

…..but think about all those
sly, come hither looks
you’re gonna have to ignore at the gym
( or at least, have to stop giving ).


a woman’s touch can be just
what your apartment needs,
in place of that
‘Wreck of the Hesperus’
decorating theme
you’ve been using since 1994–

……but doesn’t that also mean
you’re gonna have to give up
hosting your weekly strip
poker tournaments?

Oh well,
it hasn’t been all that
much fun anyway,a2
— since all the girls
stopped showing up,
I guess, but still…..


the whole soul mate/intimacy/two people into one thing
sounds just lovely,

…..but that would also mean
you’d have to clean out your refrigerator,

and throwing out those exotic
‘spices’ you’ve got in there.

Don’t you ever check
expiration dates ???? a1

About those dirty magazines/videos
that take up two closets and half of your living room…..

I’m thinking those will have to go, too, man.

Oh yes,
I hear you-

— you’d be gaining a beautiful, sexy wife,

….. and, of course,

she might let you drive her
vintage midnight blue
special edition
1979 De Tomaso Pantera–1979pantera

—- the one she got from
her rich daddy for her
high school graduation,

and has had
(and maintained herself)
since she was 17,

That’s gotta count for somethin’.

(vroooom, vrooooooooom )a3

……but somehow I don’t
think she’s gonna look too kindly
on you spending ten hours a day posting to your dirty Tumblr

and video chatting with girls
who only recently learned
how/why to wear a garter belt.

And let’s forget the date you
have with the Kelly Triplets–

Susie, Sandy,
and the one with
that strawberry birthmark
just north of her iliopsoas,

….. and that room deposit
in Montego Bay for September.a2

Do you really want to
disappoint those girls (again) ?

Man, I don’t know .

And frankly,
I’m not even gonna mention
that big ole allegorical
elephant in the room
that is the biggest conundrum
of all —

I will mention it.

Just what in the hell does
that wonderful, beautiful
woman see in you ???

That, my friend,
— is what you call a mystery
wrapped in an enigma.


I’m assuming some
type of visual acuity issue.

But I can tell you milkshae
that this whole
marriage proposal thing
is fraught with dangers.

If you insist on
doing it,
you’d better do it right.

And not like these guys.

a11Submitted for
your approval,
case number one:

A guy took his girlfriend
to a hockey game in Detroit,
and had pre-arranged to
have his beau led to center ice
at intermission
on the pretext that
she won a door prize.

On the way,
she slid on the ice,
and couldn’t get back on her feet.

While the ambulance was en-route,
Mister Sensitivity who planned
the whole thing decided to forge
ahead with his plan, and presented
an engagement ring to his prone,
partially paralyzed, and
pretty pissed off paramour —a1a

—- saying something about
‘this’ll make you feel better’.

So, although it turned out
that she hadn’t actually
won a prize,
(far from it),
she had torn the ulnar collateral ligament in her right elbow,
and she ruptured a couple
of discs in her back–
—– the story still did end
up having a happy ending.

Because she told him to go fuck himself
in front of thousands of amused hockey fans.

But, since it was a hockey game,
I guess she mighta said ‘puck‘,
I dunno.




Case Number Two:

It don’t take a rocket scientist to know what probably happened
to this guy in Long Beach, California,
when you find how he proposed.

He took his hottietaco
to a local Taco Bell,
sprung for a couple
of tacos ( 99 cents each
for a limited time ),
and handed her a hot sauce
packet with the words:
” Will You Marry Me ?” on it.

Oh brother.

He shoulda just got that
ugly little Chihuahua to
do the dirty work.

a1Hey baby,
the dog says: “Yo quiero“.

Some interesting things
about this whole episode, though.

Apparently, Taco Bell
really does print messages
like this on their taco sauce packets,
along with other ones like:

“Single Hot Sauce seeking friendship, maybe more”,

“Of all those sauce packets, why me, why now?”,


“It’s okay… you can say it.
I love you too.”

All of which would,
on their own, I guess,
also probably make somewhat
reasonable substitutes
for actually manning up
and spitting out a few
profound, feeling-based words
to your special somebody.

Another is that the
‘marriage proposal using btaco sauce packets’ scenario
actually happens a lot.

Look on Facebook or YouTube if ya don’t believe me.

Sure, it’s better than
putting a woman in a situation
where she’s faced with the
unenviable choice of
agreeing to marry a doofus
who’s so afraid of rejection
he needs a crowd’s moral support ,

—-or embarrassing herself
and him in front of
thousands of drunken fans.

But, both tactics seem lacking
in the degree of testicular fortitude
that making a marriage work is gonna require.


I am thinking that the whole idea
of using hot sauce packages
would come in handy
for some other situations….


Aye Carumba —

Moy Caliente !!!!!!




Mad Mailbag Madness

One of the things that
drives me absolutely crazy
about watching television
is this trend toward ads
with screaming guys tellin’
you how great their stupid
product is –

– if it’s so great,
why do you
gotta scream
the name of
it in my ear
10 times during
a 30 second spot?

I guess I’m used to it
with lousy used car dealers
and gadgety laundry soap –

– but now even fast food
places are doing it.

Man, even if I believed
all that crap about having
‘all the meats’, their
damned announcer has
put my appetite for it
on deep hold.

I do remember the place
from when I did eat in
places like that, and they
don’t exactly represent a
good memory.

Frozen pressed meat and
‘roast beef’ are always going
to constitute two entirely
different types of thing
for me, even if the rest of
the world is ready to accept
it as being the same.

Now, you might be
wondering what this
has to do with our post
topic today, and I’ll be
totally Frank with you..

(or Dean,
Mel, Charlie,
or Tom,
— or —
anybody else you’d
rather pretend that
I am if it’s going to
get you off )

.. and tell you that it don’t
have a damned thing to
do with it.

( Although I do a very good
“Sinatra’s Swinging Session”
imitation –
— I even got the right hat ).

No, I’m just doing
my usual weekly
‘running of the mouth’
while I figure how to make
these really cool vintage
postcards that we have in
the mailbag today fit together in one tight
little package.

Like that’s
gonna happen.


Do think about that
hat thing, though —

— I’m available for parties
and stuff, ya know.

Sure, I can try
and do
‘funky’ too —
give me a
bass guitar,
a wig,
some sequins,
and you’d
still swear I wasn’t
Verdine White.

I’d try, though.

And you gotta
give a man credit
for trying.


!!! HOY !!!

Playing Ketchup

I mentioned
“banana ketchup”
in a post a couple days ago,
and suddenly realized
as I was writing it,
that there actually
were many different types
of ketchup made at one
time or another –

– – and not
just that
familiar sweet, red
tomato stuff
we all like to put
on French Fries
and the like.

While the history of banana
ketchup is more about finding
a replacement for tomato
ketchup because of war-time
shortages, other forms of
ketchup developed much
earlier and for many other

Walnut ketchup, for instance,
was originally one of Heinz’s
’57’ varieties – and shows up
in cook books from the 1860’s.

It was once a common
ingredient in Worcestershire
sauce, as well.

It’s flavor was described
to be nutty, bitter, and
vinegary, and was used
in shellfish dishes like
lobster, prawns, and oysters,
(as well as meat, rice,
and potato dishes).

And the vinegar aspect
should surprise no one –
since the word ‘ketchup’
( and it’s original spelling
variant, ‘catsup’, ) comes
from a Malaysian term
‘kecap’ meaning ‘vinegar
table sauce’ –

— but, the original
version didn’t use tomatoes,
bananas, or walnuts–
— but fish brine.

Sailors are thought to have
introduced ketchup to the
Brits in the 16th century –
and there, it was combined
with fruits and/or vegetables ,
the fish sauce was deleted,
and over the years developed
into a variety of recipes.

Other than vinegar,
the thing these sauces
all had in common was
something the Japanese
call ‘umami’  – a fifth flavor
that is related to a food
chemical family called
glutamates – with an
earthy character that
is said to open the taste
buds up to more intense
taste-bud sensations.

And there can no doubt
that it works –

I know people that put
ketchup on almost anything.

Tell me you’re not putting
ketchup on that hot dog….

Although —
in Belgium, there is
something called a
‘frikandel’ sausage,
which is eaten with
a sauce called “Curry
Ketchup”, and it weren’t
half bad, I must say.

So, anyhoo —
in addition to
banana ketchup,
walnut ketchup,
curry ketchup,
mango ketchup,
spicy fruit ketchup,
and, of course,
tomato ketchup –
there was also
( and if you’re willing
to make it yourself,
still is, I guess ) a
sauce called
‘mushroom ketchup’,
which as one might
imagine, was just
chock full of umami.

And of course,
one might find
(at the local farmers
market, for instance)
– or – make 
all sorts of other
flavors with
fruits and veggies
that might
qualify as a ketchup……

the world’s
your oyster,
ya know.

!!! HOY !!!


No Ordinary Ordinaries

This is a big ole world —

and although I
certainly recognize
that it’s impossible
that we should all
get to know each other ,

( heaven knows exactly
what THAT would
teach a person about
human nature )

— it’s nice to find things
that we all seem to have
in common, no matter
how far you get from home.

And there are a surprising
number of things, once
you start counting.

One of my favorites is
the love of delicious food
is something you will find
in every part of the world.

Sometimes, of course,
how you define ‘delicious’
requires more of an open
mind and things may take
a little getting used to,
perhaps even an adjustment
made to accommodate
your new surroundings.

Just remember —
— if it’s the
spécialité de maison,
smile and say YUM.

It’s true, though –
ingredients can often throw
you even if you ain’t usually
scared to stray out of your
comfort zone.

Another is seasoning –
– what you and
I might think
is ‘too hot to handle’
wouldn’t impress
the average 5 year
old Thai kid —

— and what seems ‘too fishy’
to your Aunt Sally might be
right up the alley for a
resident of the
Hawaiian Islands
in their ‘Poke’.

How do you like salt
in your coffee ?

Folks in parts of Ethiopia
won’t drink coffee without it.

Textures and scents that
you’re not used to can also
throw you —

— chewy drinks like:
Bubble Tea In Taiwan
my friend Juanita’s Orxata —

or that sticky, smelly fruit
from Southeast Asia
called Durian.

Condiments can seem
very strange, too —

Banana Ketchup
is a popular
one in the Philippines —

and in Sweden,
they’ve got
some stuff in a tube they
spread on toast
that’s supposed
to taste sorta like caviar
but is actually cod roe  –
called, oddly enough –
‘ Kaviar ‘ .

And it does beat
eating dry toast, so….

As like we say around
here a lot, it’s all about

Culture is like that too.

And that’s why travel
is so important –

— it exposes and opens
one up to the possibilities
in food,
in clothing,
in life style,
in attitudes,
— in every thing.

It doesn’t mean
that you’ve
got to put yak butter
in your tea the
rest of your life,
if you don’t like it once
you’ve tried it –

— but it does
mean that you recognize
that people have
the right to like it
the way they like it.

And why would you
have it any other way?

!! HOY !!