The Daily Retro: Feeling Better

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More Candy

My post today has
me echoing a phrase
I used a lot when I
was just a young buck
out trick or treating
— “More Candy !”

Of course, what I meant then
was kinda different than
what I mean today,
as you will soon see —

— but the thrust of
the subject
was the same —

cause, who don’t
like candy, right ?

If it’s good enough
for the damn
Dionne Quintuplets,
it should be damn
good enough
for us.

And before you
mention it, I’m
very well aware
that I opened with a
picture of what was
not candy at all,
but chewing gum –
cause it was my
FAVORITE  —
Fruit Stripe Gum.

Man, you just didn’t get
15 seconds of flavor
like that anywhere else.

After that, of course,
it was chewing
rubber sealant,
(like any other gum
at the time)
but those 15 seconds–
—- wowie.

So anyhoo —

I called this post
‘more candy’
cause some of
you long suffering
regular readers may
recall that I posted
about vintage candy
before —
here.

Hmmm….

It’s not that I have
anything new to say
about candy since
the post aforementioned…
although I did acquire
some cool vintage ads ….

And even though I
no longer imbibe
in the stuff because
my poor ole teeth
won’t stand for it —

I can still reminisce a bit
and remember the stuff
that wrecked my dental
work in the first place.

Actually, I was hoping
to put kinda a dirty spin
on the candy theme,
but it ain’t as easy
as it might sound —

— despite me being an
expert on spinning
anything innocent
into something
instantly ribald —

I must be getting old.

Still, there’s always hope.

Does it help if I say that
I used to date a stripper
who used the name
( a nom-de-burlesque)
Candy Stryper ” ?

Oh..
I guess not.

Ok, well…

She was a very
sweet girl, anyway.

Like I said before-
MORE CANDY !!!!

!!!! HOY !!!!

It’s Getting Wurst

What ?

Another food-based
post,
ya say ?

Well,
let me tell you …

There’s no
food subject
that can as get
as vintagely weird
as today’s
choice cut.

And as usual,
you can blame
acheerp couple of my
readers for bringing
up the subject .

I’m not gonna mention
any names, but……..

One of them ( C )
asked me
if I had any cool cards
about ‘sausage’.zion

Now,
I’m not saying
she has a dirty mind,

— and of course,
mine is as pure as
the driven slush —

Anyhoo,
I told her that it
sounded like a good idea
(for a post, that is).

She said,saus
OK,
wise-guy,
let’s see what you got.

Well,
I had kinda stashed
the whole thing away,
until I decided to
whip it out today. wurst

In a manner of speaking, anyway.

Hmmmm….
since I don’t have
a macro lens,
I guess she’ll just have
to settle for old postcards.nap

But of course,
I do got some VERY
saucy stuff on sausages,

–there was a lot of vintage humor published about it —

I guess our grandparents
found sausages pretty suggestive, too.

Although,
with the purity
of my mind,
I wouldn’t have a clue
about why.

Ahem.

Once you get to a1
thinking about it,
though —

There is an interesting
variety of published
sausage references:

They run the gamut:sausagetree

— from corny puns
like the old sign from
“South of the Border” ..

— travel postcards
with highlights like this
‘sausage tree ‘ in Miami ..

 

— yes, there’s a tree
in South Florida like
that …

Not exactly a
must-see,
but what the hell.
pound
There was
the old saying :

” Not having a sausage”
which meant that you
were really broke, man.

Been there,
done that,
certainly.

Hmmm….

There’s always the
sausage-shaped
dachshund hounds
to consider :sausagedog

(I mean,
who doesn’t love doggies?)

— and then there’s
more dated humor —

like this next one —
which somehow
ties canines and
sausage-making
to the invention
of the RCA Victrola
and the whole rip-off
that was, and is,
the music business.

Oh, I see art
the connection…

uhhhh.

But who’d wanna do
that to a little doggie?

Mystery meat, indeed.

mystery

And while we’re
tying in almost
completely
unrelated things,
why not make a
Michelin Man
(and woman)
out of pork sausage
as a costume ? michelinsausage

Same rubbery
texture, right?

I bet they’re a lot
of fun on the weekends.

Furries,
move over –

There’s now smokies.

I dunno what’s worse.

Or wurst.

Maybe more dogs…german

There’s a couple of
old World War I
English postcards
that characterize the
German Kaiser as
a fat bratwurst
about to be chewed
up by the British Bulldog.

And, sausa
of course,
phallic dirty-butcher
jokes are a common
enough theme….

Not that he could sell
enough of that to that
type clientele to stay sausagecharmer
in business,

I wouldn’t think,
anyway.

But, many are
the opportunities
to try and get a
rise out of folks….

If you whistle
the right tune
or have the
correct bait.

And there’s always link
people who try to
make something
romantic out of
ANYTHING,
naturally …..

Then again,
there’s plenty
of references felix
to stuff that
I just don’t
get at all.

Maybe it’s just
a reference
lost in time and space.

Or maybe –
it’s Felix the Cat
and a weird
hot dog reference.

Now, what?

Well,
when in a pinch,
go with the classics,
I always say.

This postcard was
designed by DWIG —

— Clare Victor Dwiggins
himself.

Actually ,
he did a series of them 
called “The Wurst Girl”
in the early 1900’s.

Do I know
what the hell
they mean?

Nope.

But I guess when
there’s a sausage
in the joke,

— it doesn’t have
to have much
more of a punchline ?

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

wurstgirl

.
.
PS:

Jen from Blog It or Lose It
sent me these last two:

saus

.

Uhm… well,
I guess it depends
on what’s for dinner…..

hotdogs

I think they forgot the celery salt.

Oh well.

Cheers !!!

 

Cooking Claptrap

It’s always nice to
get interesting
picture submissions —
although sometimes,
it can be an exercise
in ambivalence.

My friend Jen was nice
enough to send me a
couple of vintage recipe
cards that made me
very happy,
and awful queasy,
at the same time. 

After all —
the above recipe card
calls for making
something called
” Crown Roast
Of Frankfurters “-

— in other words,
Hot Dog-A-La-Fancy-Pants.

I dunno how many words
I can find to express my
horror at this idea, but :

YUCK
REPULSIVE
GROSS
OVERBLOWN
and NASTY
come immediately to mind.

We’re not even gonna try
to deduce what that
off-white whipped looking
crap ( with pimentos? )
is on top of that mess —

Carrots?
Yeah,
so maybe they’re carrots.

Even worse.

Oh, and look —
it’s got Broccoli, too.

Can you say :
Burn The Cook At The Stake ?

Yeah.
Simple torture’s not good
enough for him, man.

Look.
I don’t have anything
against hot-dogs….

I love a giant all-beef dog
served Chicago style.

But don’t crap in my bowl
and tell me it’s
molasses and oatmeal.

That’s just wrong,
man, wrong.

And then,
for a side course,
I guess you could have
the ‘Jello and Limp
Leftover Vegetables’ salad…..

AUUUUGGGGHHH
— my poor digital tummy !!!!!!

I’m almost speechless at
the level of feeble, uninspired,
commercialized-crapola-cooking
shown in these recipes.

What I can say is –
these aren’t the only
horrible vintage
recipes out there.

And you can rest assured,
we here at the
Muscleheaded Blog
will keep you updated
and informed about ’em
as we find em.

Hey-
we’re only doing our duty.

!!!!! CHEERS !!!!!!

Fruity and Weird

Somebody once said
that travel broadens
the mind.

And I’m pretty sure
it broadens the rest
of you, too —

Just think about
all the
yummy food choices
from around the world,

bana

…….. and you’ll see
what I mean.

Having traveled
for a living for
as many years
as I did,

I have to say
that it gets
into your blood…..

One of the things
I always enjoyed
doing was/is
stopping in
at the local
farmer’s market.

Every city/country has
their own version of it,

— and several places
have some
spectacular ones.

I always rave about
the Khlong Toey
Market in Bangkok,

— even though,
my love for the place
and it’s fresh produce almostdurian got me thrown out
of a hotel —

Well, ok —

the sign in the
hotel lobby
did clearly read :

” PLEASE –
NO DURIAN
ALLOWED
IN HOTEL”
,a1

… but I just
kinda figured
that was only
for the tourists.

Ummm….

They won’t even let you
on the local Metro system
with it, dummy…..

No, Mister Muscleheaded —

it definitely applies to YOU.
(especially)

Let that be a swallow
lesson to you —

One more incident,
…. and we sic the
Arintharats on you.

Seriously,

I’m not even saying
I like the foul smelling,

even more foul tasting
fruit all that much…..durian

I do see why my
Thai friends love it –
— yep.

Thai food is all about
balancing the five flavors of food,

And Durian has ’em all
packed into one fruit.

But if you’re asking
what it tastes like to me….tatse

Well, imagine a mush
made out of:
grapefruit,
garlic,
onion,
burnt caramel
and kerosene —

then,
amp up the skunky
aroma to eleven —

— and you have thebreakfast
flavor and smell of durian.

It’s obviously an acquired taste,

and I haven’t really
acquired it.

But, I love to buy
strange fruit at Asian
farmers markets —

— and then,
bring ’em home,
and punk my friends.

Sure,
I can get Durian here
if I look hard enough,

But my friends will
suspect I’m up to
something if I
just spring a sudden
taste test on them
out of nowhere……

If I’ve just gotten back
from SOMEWHERE,

on the other hand,

everybody knows I like
to bring weird stuff back —

…. and usually,
they’re willing
to try some of it.

Poor dumb bastards.

Ah well.

I had a special mission
the last time I was over there–rambutan

I have this friend at my gym named Pam,

— and she’s a bit
of a primrose.

Anything that looks even remotely suggestive will
cause her to melt down,
blush all over and freak out.

So, of course,

I brought her back
a kilo of Rambutan.biscuit

These are really
mild tasting
and
wild looking —

— the flavor is a cross,
perhaps, between a Kiwi,
and a Lychee.

( ummmm–

A word in your ear about
bringing exotic food
back from far away lands —more

— the customs boys
don’t really LIKE it. )

Ahem.

Anyhoo….

back to my gym friend.

She takes one look at those
hairy little fruit Rambutan balls,

……… and she almost loses
grip of the treadmill.

So worth it.

Definitely.

!!! HOY !!!

PS: Thanks to Jen at
Blog It or Lose It
for the “Bite Me”  picture!

swell

.