Let The Mail Bag Take You

Hey man, just where
did THAT week
go already ?

Time for another
exciting, mind-elevating
and positively dizzying
trip through the Muscleheaded Blog’s
Mailbag.

I’m also happy to say,
that some of
this week’s mail was
too dirty to actually post,
and that despite those
pieces not getting to appear,
— I really did appreciate em.

I really did.

Keep up the good work.

It makes the mailbag
one joyful place to dip
into, lemme tell you.

But, we’ve still got
plenty of stuff we
CAN post —

– and it’s ok if it’s not
dirty enough not to
qualify, it really is.

And you know Your Ole
Uncle Nuts is gonna find
a way of making it dirty,
anyway, so –

Just let it take you.

Hey-
fun is where
you find it.

— Ahem.

For you new readers whose
poor innocent minds
haven’t been sufficiently
warped by this blog, yet,
let me just advise you that
it will happen if you hang
around here long enough.

Whether that’s a promise
or a threat is something that
is also yet to be determined.

But,
welcome, in any case.

I’ve been trying to stick today
with postcards and stuff from
the first third of the 20th
century……..

Let me know how
you think
I’m doing —

I never was too good
with fractions.

That said, I’ll leave you
with a quote that comes
to mind from Leo Tolstoy: 

“A man is like a fraction
whose numerator is what
he is and whose denominator
is what he thinks of himself.
The larger the denominator,
the smaller the fraction.”

!!! HOY !!!!

Miss Myrna Loy – 1932

 

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Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

No,
not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
V
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
anyway,bang
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.

:::

Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Signed,
Careful With Money.

.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,carwreck

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Signed,
Prince Lovesick.

.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)
 

.

.

Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.
deepthroat

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.

.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
weird
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

Signed,
A Plagiarist in Love.
.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

Dumbass.
PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)
  

.

Happy V-Day !

————————————————————
arough

 

Stupid Automotive Inventions

Today on
Stupid Automotive Inventions:

” The Horsey Horseless”  ,
” Caddy Cocktails ” ,
” The Steering Wheel of Death”

Yes,
these and less,
much much less.

Damn, I already
gave away
the premise of the post
in the title, didn’t I ?

Ah well.

I guess that
I’ll just get on
with it, then –

Go on,
be that way.

The Horsey Horseless.

Invented in 1898 by a
guy in Battle Creek, Michigan

( the home of Corn Flakes –
which seems somewhat appropriate here, somehow … )

– the Horsey Horseless
was supposed to be
an automobile that
wouldn’t scare the horses,
which were the main
transportation modalities
at the time (that’ll be 20 cents
for that word, by the way).

The theory was that since
the thing had a horse head
on the front, (which doubled
as a fuel tank) the animals
would just figure it was a
very noisy, smelly stallion
that ran on gasoline and not
go all skittish and all.

No, he didn’t know
anything about equine nature
– that’s obvious- and it was
an abject failure.

Hell, folks forgot all about it,
till some high falootin’ loud
mouth musclehead put it on
his blog 120 years later.

Shame on that guy.

Ahem.

I would mention the
in-car record players,
at this point, but I’d truthfully
love to play around with one
of those, so…

Hey-
what about that
“Steering Wheel of Death “,
you ask ?

Well, did you ever stop and
wonder how Sammy Davis Jr
acquired that glass left eye?
( or was it the right ? )

Ahh — interesting story —
that points directly to the
Steering Wheel of Death.

‘Cause the 1954 Cadillac
El Dorado Brougham he
was driving was equipped
with that thing when he got
in a collision in Los Angeles
and his face came straight
down hard upon the bullet
nose style heavy chromed steering wheel.

Cadillac discontinued the
feature shortly after that,

(and you’ll rarely see one that
hasn’t been replaced with a
less dramatic shape today)

— however, they decided
to double down on safety
in the 1957 El Dorado, by
equipping it with a mini-bar
in the front passenger area,
complete with custom cocktail
glasses.

Man, they did it
with style,
you gotta admit.

Sure, auto makers could improve
the efficiency and safety of their
cars, and did in many ways –
but never at the expense
of style or profit –
at least until inventors and
regulators got involved.

Here’s a good example
of what I mean –
– notice the narrow
tail-lights on the car
in the next picture. 

Most cars of the period had
very small indicator lights
because it was considered
old-fashioned and unstylish
to incorporate larger ones –
thus, phosphorescent mittens
were invented to help drivers
signal a turn.

But- let’s not forget
the part in the car
that causes the
most traffic accidents —

— the nut behind the wheel.

And I got a feeling that,
other than dehumanizing it,
self-driving automated cars
ain’t gonna change any of that.

!! HOY !!!

.

Under The Clutter

Man, I’ve been
keeping stuff
too long in my
mail-bag directory —

— it’s getting so
that I can’t
even find specific stuff
I remember putting away
for a rainy day or just
the right post.

I was looking for
some stuff with a
touch of sexy, fun,
mixed with a double
entendre or two –

– happily, I came across a
whole folder full of them
just before I gave up
searching.

Making them
all stick together
in one post might be the
hardest part –
but, citing Dad’s rule
for making his
world-famous ‘pan’ cookies –
– ‘throw in whatever you got‘ –
– I don’t see how we
can lose, really.

Especially when
compared
to his pan cookies.

Yow.

Appropos to nothing —

You know, I haven’t done
a post about monsters
recently. 

I dunno about you, but
I’m a big fan of monsters,
like Godzilla,
and Cookie Monster.

They’re outrageous,
and seem a bit dangerous,
but the only things they
really destroy are cardboard
cities and cardboard cookies.

I bet that bear at the picnic
table is waiting for some of
Dad’s pan cookies.

But, that’s only because
he’s never had em.

!!! HOY !!!

Playing Ketchup

I mentioned
“banana ketchup”
in a post a couple days ago,
and suddenly realized
as I was writing it,
that there actually
were many different types
of ketchup made at one
time or another –

– – and not
just that
familiar sweet, red
tomato stuff
we all like to put
on French Fries
and the like.

While the history of banana
ketchup is more about finding
a replacement for tomato
ketchup because of war-time
shortages, other forms of
ketchup developed much
earlier and for many other
reasons.

Walnut ketchup, for instance,
was originally one of Heinz’s
’57’ varieties – and shows up
in cook books from the 1860’s.

It was once a common
ingredient in Worcestershire
sauce, as well.

It’s flavor was described
to be nutty, bitter, and
vinegary, and was used
in shellfish dishes like
lobster, prawns, and oysters,
(as well as meat, rice,
and potato dishes).

And the vinegar aspect
should surprise no one –
since the word ‘ketchup’
( and it’s original spelling
variant, ‘catsup’, ) comes
from a Malaysian term
‘kecap’ meaning ‘vinegar
table sauce’ –

— but, the original
version didn’t use tomatoes,
bananas, or walnuts–
— but fish brine.

Sailors are thought to have
introduced ketchup to the
Brits in the 16th century –
and there, it was combined
with fruits and/or vegetables ,
the fish sauce was deleted,
and over the years developed
into a variety of recipes.

Other than vinegar,
the thing these sauces
all had in common was
something the Japanese
call ‘umami’  – a fifth flavor
that is related to a food
chemical family called
glutamates – with an
earthy character that
is said to open the taste
buds up to more intense
taste-bud sensations.

And there can no doubt
that it works –

I know people that put
ketchup on almost anything.

Tell me you’re not putting
ketchup on that hot dog….

Although —
in Belgium, there is
something called a
‘frikandel’ sausage,
which is eaten with
a sauce called “Curry
Ketchup”, and it weren’t
half bad, I must say.

So, anyhoo —
in addition to
banana ketchup,
walnut ketchup,
curry ketchup,
mango ketchup,
spicy fruit ketchup,
and, of course,
tomato ketchup –
there was also
( and if you’re willing
to make it yourself,
still is, I guess ) a
sauce called
‘mushroom ketchup’,
which as one might
imagine, was just
chock full of umami.

And of course,
one might find
(at the local farmers
market, for instance)
– or – make 
all sorts of other
flavors with
fruits and veggies
that might
qualify as a ketchup……

Hey-
the world’s
your oyster,
ya know.

!!! HOY !!!

.

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

No Ordinary Ordinaries

This is a big ole world —

and although I
certainly recognize
that it’s impossible
that we should all
get to know each other ,

( heaven knows exactly
what THAT would
teach a person about
human nature )

— it’s nice to find things
that we all seem to have
in common, no matter
how far you get from home.

And there are a surprising
number of things, once
you start counting.

One of my favorites is
— FLAVOR —
the love of delicious food
is something you will find
in every part of the world.

Sometimes, of course,
how you define ‘delicious’
requires more of an open
mind and things may take
a little getting used to,
perhaps even an adjustment
made to accommodate
your new surroundings.

Just remember —
— if it’s the
spécialité de maison,
smile and say YUM.

It’s true, though –
ingredients can often throw
you even if you ain’t usually
scared to stray out of your
comfort zone.

Another is seasoning –
– what you and
I might think
is ‘too hot to handle’
wouldn’t impress
the average 5 year
old Thai kid —

— and what seems ‘too fishy’
to your Aunt Sally might be
right up the alley for a
resident of the
Hawaiian Islands
in their ‘Poke’.

How do you like salt
in your coffee ?

Folks in parts of Ethiopia
won’t drink coffee without it.

Textures and scents that
you’re not used to can also
throw you —

— chewy drinks like:
Bubble Tea In Taiwan
or
my friend Juanita’s Orxata —

or that sticky, smelly fruit
from Southeast Asia
called Durian.

Condiments can seem
very strange, too —

Banana Ketchup
is a popular
one in the Philippines —

and in Sweden,
they’ve got
some stuff in a tube they
spread on toast
that’s supposed
to taste sorta like caviar
but is actually cod roe  –
called, oddly enough –
‘ Kaviar ‘ .

And it does beat
eating dry toast, so….

As like we say around
here a lot, it’s all about
perspective.

Culture is like that too.

And that’s why travel
is so important –

— it exposes and opens
one up to the possibilities
in food,
in clothing,
in life style,
in attitudes,
— in every thing.

It doesn’t mean
that you’ve
got to put yak butter
in your tea the
rest of your life,
if you don’t like it once
you’ve tried it –

— but it does
mean that you recognize
that people have
the right to like it
the way they like it.

And why would you
have it any other way?

!! HOY !!

.