Putting A Spin On Pool

” If you hit the ball
like that,
you’ll make it. “

Billiards is a game
that is internationally
popular….

And they’ve
been making postcards
to cash in on the game’s
popularity for a
long time —

At least
120 years.

And
there are
an endless supply
of double-entendre
captions and
implications that go
right along with that.

Just what we really
love around here.

Hey,
any game with racks,
holes, sticks, and balls
is bound to get a little
English spun on it,
right?

Sure,
you can call
it POOL ,
you can call it
8 BALL,
you can call it
CUE BALL,
or you can get
all fancy and call it
BILLIARDS………

Actually, once you
start playing, you find
there are all kinds of
variations that use
the sort of table, cue, balls,
and other stuff in different
ways —

There are games like:
Snooker
Three Cushion
Five Pins
Kelly Pool
Straight Rail
Cutthroat
Kaisa
Pyramid
Carom
Nine Ball
One Pocket
British Pool
et al.

You’d need a very big
book o’ rules to know
how to play most of
these games……..

It’s not just slap any old
ball into any old hole.

Finesse is something
they almost all require.

Aficionados will definitely
call you on the slightest
breach of etiquette, so……..

And I’m told that, if this
isn’t confusing enough,
these different games
can be sub-categorized
into 3 main types :

Carom Style
( doesn’t use pockets )

Snooker Style
( which uses a bigger table)

and what we usually call
“Pool”
(like 8 ball and one pocket).

There’s also
“Bumper Pool”
for those who enjoy
additional obstacles
when playing all
the angles.

I’m confused when I
hear people knock the
game as inappropriate
for young men,
because when you
come right down to it,
the games require an
understanding of
geometry and physics…..

And even more importantly,
as Professor Harold Hill
most eloquently put it :

” Helps ya cultivate
horse sense, and
cool head
and a keen eye. ”

” Did you every take
and try to give an
ironclad leave to
yourself from a three
rail billiard shot? ”

In other words,
one must always think
clearly and considerately
before touching a rack,
or putting his stick and
balls any where near
a desired hole in question.

Which,
seems to me a pretty good
lesson to learn early in life.

Oh shit….

and I thought
this one wasn’t
gonna get dirty.

!!! HOY !!!

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Behave Yourself

Yes, my friends….

It’s your Muscleheaded
buddy here, with more
insipid and generally
out-of-date advice
from the wonderful world
of vintage publications.

In this case,
something
called
How To Behave ” –

a series of
tongue-in-cheek
postcards printed back
around 1910.

Now, I’m sure you need no
counseling on how to behave
yourself…..

Especially not from a guy
who never could master it,
himself…..

Never mind a postcard
illustrator from a hundred
years ago who was just
going for laughs, anyway.

There’s a couple of sets
of these–
a set for men,
a set for women,
and a set for children.

And they are humorous,
if you take the art along
with the captions.

The handwriting is kinda
tough to read, though —

So, I’ll give you
the captions below,
numbered from the top.

1: How To Behave Yourself
(for gentlemen) 
If you meet a lady
acquaintance,
always raise your hat,
it is both fit and proper,
but be sure you know
the lady first.

.

2: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies ) 
Never interfere with the
workmen who happen to
be in the house. They
sometimes know more
about their job than you do. 

.

3: How To Behave Yourself
(for children ) 
If you find that elder folks 
want to converse quietly
and privately, just retire
to the garden or nursery.

.

4: How To Behave Yourself
(for gentlemen) 
On meeting your future 
ma-in-law, always make 
your most profound bow, 
only be careful of the furniture. 

.

5: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If you have your portrait
taken, and you’re not happy
about the result, do not abuse
the poor artist – remember
that he has done his best.

.

6: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If a clumsy man treads upon
your gown at the dance, do not
be angry as he has more cause 
to be upset than yourself.

.

7: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If your bus is waiting, do

not stop to have the last 
word, as the conductor 
himself may forget himself
and say things. 

.

Alrighty —
well, now that we’re just
about out of these, you’re
on your own now…..

So try to behave yourself.

Or not.

!!! HOY !!!

 

Sunday Morning Music

Hey ya……..

Welcome to our Sunday
Morning Music festival.

This week we’ll turn on the IPOD
and go totally random off one of
my gym playlists.

(excluding a request or two-
see if you can figure out
which ones those are…. )

It’s mainly 1970’s-1980’s
rock with a smattering of jazz,
bossa nova, and R&B……

So, let’s see what kinda musical
mischief we can get into…..

.

River Matthews–
Sunshine

.

Van Halen —
” Drop Dead Legs

.

Byrds —
Renaissance Faire

.

Chris Rea —
” I Can Hear Your
Heartbeat “
(live)

.

Isaac Hayes —
Walk On By

.

Beach Boys —
Wild Honey

.

Randy Newman —
Shame

.

Shannon —
” Let The Music Play (remix)

.

Elvis Costello —
” What’s So Funny Bout Peace 
Love and Understanding (live)”

.

Swing Out Sister —
Am I The Same Girl (live)

.

Outsiders —
” Time Won’t Let Me

.

Quincy Jones and Nancy Wilson–
” In The Name Of Love “

.

River Matthews —
Undo Ordinary

.

Gino Vannelli —
People I Belong To

.

Bebel Gilberto —
Port Antonio

.

Spanky & Our Gang —
Like To Get Know You

.

Tom Petty —
Breakdown (live) ”

.

Incognito —
Still A Friend Of Mine

.

Jamiroquai —
Virtual Insanity

.

Mercy —
“Love Can Make You Happy

.

Michael Franks —
Heart Like An Open Book

.

Al Green —
You Oughta To Be With Me

.

Earl Klugh —
” Pretty World

.

Marvin Gaye —
You Sure Love To Ball

.

Bee Gees —
” Night Fever

.

Isley Brothers —
” Groove With You

.

Steely Dan —
Everyone’s Gone To The Movies

.

River Matthews —
Light The Way
.

Obey The Impulse, Or Not

It’s hard to explain
just what this post
looked like in the
back of my mind
when I first conceived
it…..

it was something
that someone
said about the whole
experience of
‘living on the impulse’
that had
peeked,
panged and
pecked
at the
very tiny creative part
of my mind and
eventually came
to interest me as a
post topic.

As soon as I started
to write about
what I was thinking,
however —

— peculiar societal memories
of commercial products
(like chewing gum, snacks,
and soda pop) and vintage
behave-yourself propaganda
(like sexual health brochures)
kept popping up –

– naughtily intermingling –

though I’m not exactly sure
how they’re all connected,
really.

Hmmm.

I guess the subconscious
message I got early in life
was, if you’re spending
money, you should give
into the impulse to buy –

– but, if you’re just having
free fun, then you should
go do something else
more constructive, instead –
like making more money
to buy more stuff.

Still, that doesn’t seem
exactly right…..

‘Cause hardly anybody’s
grand-mother charged
grand-dad to have a
good time –
and we’re all here,
regardless.

And it’s not like anybody
with any sense could
think that eating a ‘Twinkie’
could or would constitute
the same qualitative
potential enjoyment value
as would a significant other –

– errr…. I mean,

‘letting it all hang out’
with a significant other.

(Based on just flavor alone,
you can see the error in that,
I’m sure, but I digress).

I do like those raspberry
flavored ‘Zingers’ a lot,
but let’s not get ridiculous,
now.

And GUM ?

In general, chewing gum
is pretty much a substitute
for doing nothing at all –

— it certainly is not a feast
for the senses and never
has been.

Two seconds of a weird
chemical-fruit-flavor
and then it’s just
rubbery sensory
purgatory.

Hell, the worst intimate
tryst that I ever experienced
contained more bursts
of excitement and pleasure
than that, for crying out
loud.

(10 more seconds worth,
at least….. )

Blow as hard you want,
it’s still just gum, man.

So maybe I misunderstood
what ‘they’ve’ been trying
to tell us —

–or maybe the message
has changed ??

Is there a message at all?

Is this all just
random nonsense?

Oh, damn.

And I thought it was
gonna get deep.

!!! HOY !!!

Musing With The Mail Bag

goofromYes,
the mailbag is back —
with another weekly
batch of mixed
miscellaneous
minutia and …
well,
ya know…
stuff like that.

Fridays seem a perfect day
for this kinda thing, for
some reason.

And the good thing a1
for me is that I don’t
have to work too hard
on coming up with
a complicated or tasteful
theme ….

(like that would ever
happen, anyway)  .

All I gotta do for content
is to reach down into that
mailbag and wait until
something bites me.

Errr–
I mean,
grabs me.

What this melted Mallo
Cup is doing in here,
who knows, but you get
the general idea, right?

I think we may be seeing
an unconscious pattern
developing as far as what
I’m pulling out for this
week’s episode, though.

It could be a total
coincidence, ya say?

Sure, man.

And of course,
I am completely
innocent of any malice
aforethought if it turns
out that way, though.

It’s simply my nature
to prefer things that
display my interests in life..

And my friends who keep 
the mailbag full of cool stuff
seem to like the same kinda
things too.

Call it kismet
if you want.

That’s the kind of draw
that I’d call a ’21’
anytime.

If I could only figure out
how to double down on it.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Respect Your Local Lima Bean

Yes, friends,
April is almost
upon us.

And you know
what that means.

Lima Bean Respect Day
on the 20th.

Again.

Jeeez—
wasn’t it
“Lima Bean Respect Day”
a couple months ago?

Ah well…
it really does only
come around once
a year, and you can
probably wait until
the last minute to
get ready for it,
(as you always do)
but consider what else
you’ll have to deal
with this month.

“National Tartan Day”
on the 6th means you’ll
have to get that old kilt
out of the closet and
aired out.

Awwww—
anybody seen my sporran?

That’s ok, though —
cause you’ll be just in time
for “National Beer Day”
on the 7th –
and you can get a free
Tennants Ale when you
wear it to the local pub.

Well, mine, anyway.

My dog Daisie is all
excited about “National Pet Day”
on the 11th– although she’s
already had her snack quota
for the month, in advance.

But, the day after that
is “Grilled Cheese Day”,
and as long as it’s Irish Cheddar,
she’ll be getting most of my
sandwich that day, I’ll bet.

Saturday, the 14th of April is
“Cake, Cookies and Cunnilingus”
day…. which sounds like a
natural combination to me.

Hey- I wouldn’t kid you about it-
and besides,
“National Tell A Lie Day”
is on the 4th.

Monday, the 16th, you can
look forward to
“Wear Pajamas To Work” day…
which, if I participated in,
would mean that the
next day would be
” First Day Outta Work” day.

Wow…
seems like a lot
going on in the first part
of the month, considering
that the last 10 days in April
include boring  stuff like
” Herbalist Day” ,
” Bicycle Day” and
“National High Five Day” –
although “National Talk Like
Shakespeare Day” is the 23rd,
which will be an excellent
opportunity to tell somebody
you don’t like that:
“A weasel hath
not such a deal
of spleen as you
are toss’d with.”

No worries —

they’ll probably be already
too worn out from the Lima
Bean Day festivities to retaliate.

That’s the theory, anyway.

!! HOY !!

Getting Into The Grind

Cheap as I am,
it took a while,
but I finally sprung
for one of those online
movie gadgets to get
stuff on Hulu, Netflix,
and such..

It had seemed to me that
paying almost 200 bucks
a month for cable would
scratch everybody in the
house’s TV itches,
but apparently not.

500 channels-
a mere drop in
the bucket, pal.

Technology marches on.
And so do the costs.
Great.

And, now there’s another
HDMI input and cable needed,
and all sorts of new sign-in
codes to remember.

But it has given me a chance
to catch up on a genre of
movies that I had been
meaning to watch
but hadn’t had the
opportunity.

They’re called
‘grind-house’ movies —
and while you’ve probably
seen some of the posters
for these kinds of movies
right here on the
Müscleheaded Blog,
the flicks they advertised
weren’t usually available,
until now with these
new-fangled independent
movie channels.

I like the ones
that promise
stuff in their titles or
advertising that
you know damn well
ain’t really gonna be
in them —
— especially those from
the 1930’s.

(Sure, I guess you could
say the same about us
around here ….. )

I’m sure you’ve heard of
‘pre-code’ movies —

— and that’s not really
what I mean …….

— more like ‘outside-code’ —

movies that weren’t made by
the studios that were part of
the MPPDA Hays Production
Code or shown at the studio
sanctioned/owned theatres.

Of course, the people
who made these movies
still had to be careful
what was shown because
of obscenity laws and such-
so while the subject matter
might have been taboo,
the content usually
was pretty tame.

One example I got to see
was a pretty good example of
what I mean —

— it was 1948’s
“Test Tube Babies”.

The posters suggest some
very racy content,
and indeed,
there were a couple pretty naughty scenes that were fun —

but generally, it was pretty
much 95% sizzle and hardly
any steak.

(reminds me of one of
them there fajitas at Chileez
or Applebuzz )

You might well ask why
someone would expect
some ribald scenes in
a movie about this
particular subject –

— but that’s how the
genre worked —
they had to have
some kind of ‘moral’
or redeeming social
purpose to hang on it –

in this case,
‘educating’ people
about artificial insemination.

I was actually a bit taken
aback to learn something
from it- that they had been
doing those kinds of things
in clinics for decades.

And I guess the history of it
got a little strange on the way,
but why should that surprise
anybody?

The film’s title is also a
bit misleading, of course,
in more than just one way –
– most folks would have
imagined an in-vitro
fertilization process
(in a petri dish or the like)
would be what was being
talked about, especially from
the whole mention of a ‘test-tube’,
but in actuality, when they did
finally get around to the baby
making, it was the old “squirt-
(from a syringe)-and-then-hope”
method.

A special mention to the
guy playing the doctor —
who had the bed
side manner
of soggy bacon,
— you can always see
more of his hammy acting
style in movies like
Ed Wood’s “Glen Or Glenda”,
and ” Jail Bait “.

As for rating it,
I’d give it a 2 1/2 stars
for the general grab assing
and the swing-party scene
circa 1948 – and about none
for anything else, really.

Which is exactly
what you’d
expect with one
of these flicks.

My advice is:

if you have some time
you’ll never want or
need to get back,
waste an hour
or so, see it,
and pick through
the wasteland.

Then, if you’re not
totally exasperated,
check out these
other ‘grindhouse’ films
whose posters are featured
on this episode of the
Muscleheaded Blog.

Hey-

fun is where
you find it,
ya know.

.

!!! HOY !!!