So You Say

When I was a little
kiddy winky, whenever
any adult didn’t wanna
tell me where they
heard about a mischief
or misadventure of mine,
(and I had plenty),
they’d say something like:
A Little Bird Told Me ” .

For a while, that certainly
caused me consternation,
and more than a bit of
suspicion when it came
to any ” feathered
friends” that were
lurking about.

Those winged little bastards
had a lot of nerve spying
on me, I thought.

They had a distinct
disadvantage over me
in that they could check
out whatever what I was
up to from the safety of
the telephone pole.

I didn’t mind ’em
watching me, but
there was no excuse
for ratting me out.

Plans for an extensive
retaliatory strike involving
a purloined pellet gun
were still in the making
when I suddenly realized
that I had grown up, and
I found out the whole
thing fell under the
general category of
“popular expressions”.

Man, it’s no wonder
we kids hadn’t
trusted adults…

— they’d lie to us
in a heartbeat, jeeez.

Sure, use
the excuse that
they were rhetorical
devices –
but we all knew
better.

And, I never did
believe that Easter
Bunny shit, ya know.

Birds making sure I
went to school, ok,
but I drew the line
at giant rabbits
laying artificially
colored eggs.

Anyhoo ;
many of
the expressions
didn’t make a
whole lot of
sense to anybody,
never mind a kid.

” Raining Cats
And Dogs.”

Under what
circumstances
would anybody
think that
was possible?

A troglodyte
cave dweller
under a kennel
during a
sinkhole?

Not all that
likely, right?

Right.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Advertisements

Photo Boothing

My buddy Jen sent
me a funny picture
of a couple of dogs
mugging in one of
those coin-operated
automated photo
booths, and it got
me to thinking-

(always a
dangerous thing)

— just how many
hilarious examples
of this kinda thing
must be
out there
somewhere.

I guess it
must be true,
cause you can
do some really
goofy stuff in
front of a camera
in 5 second intervals.

Hell, I’ve been
known to participate
in some pretty silly
photo booth high jinks
myself when they were
still popular in arcades
and such.

Of course,
that required
pain-staking research,
searching every nook
and cranny of the
interwebs and stuff,
but
hey,
anything for
our readers, right ?

Well, here’s
the thing.

Most of the vintage
photo sets from
4 for a quarter
photo booths
that I found were
kinda lame…..

(with a few
exceptions)

People skewing up
their faces, bugging
their eye balls, and
making obscene
gestures is pretty
much par for the
course.

Not that
I have any
issue with any
of that-

– it just so
happens
that I hold
an advanced
degree in
obscene
gestures…..

….. but it’s just
not something
that would make
for all that thrilling
of a post,
if you get
my drift.

You seen
one middle
finger, you
seen em all.

But never fear —

( notwithstanding
how really slow
I was in
realizing it ) –

we did finally
figure out
that those
old fashioned
backdrop shots
that they used
to sell at the
beach,
arcades,
zoos, and
in amusement parks
could get pretty risque
or downright bizarre…

— especially those
from around
World War II.

Folks would simply
stick their head
or other appendages
into cut-outs on the
backdrop-

Then:
the camera
would click,
the light
would flash,
and – presto –
instant humiliation
stored on photo
emulsion paper.

Who wouldn’t
want ten
pounds
of that,
I ask you ?

Of course,
folks had a
much better
sense of humor
back then…….

And they hadn’t
learned yet the
truth of the now
defunct rule 74 –

– that if you
look like
you’re naked
or are doing
something
naughty in
a picture,
even if it
ain’t really
you, for all
practical purposes,
you are,
and for all time.

Don’t I know it.

(Rule 74 was
officially replaced
in the early
2000’s by :
Rule 74-R
which states that
unless you’re doing
so completely out
there while you’re
naked , (or a politico
or celebrity), that
makes it stand out
from the trillions
of other naked
pics floating
around
on the internet
somewhere,
there’s a very
strong chance
that nobody will
want/notice/care/
even see it. )

Ahem.

I honestly
don’t know
which version
of that rule that
I like least, but
anyhoo……

For those
of you who
tuned in to
see the funny
photo strips….

well,
if you’ve
got any:

just send em along
in care of this here
blog, we’ll still do
it on another post.

I just didn’t
have near
enough good
ones to make
a whole post
interesting.

And I do like
these vintage
‘cut-out’ shots 
a whole lot better
that the photo strips
I ended up not using.

It comes down
to simply this :

sometimes
a detour
will get ya
ya where you’re
going somewhere
faster than the
main road.

Not often,
I grant ya.

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

?????? WANT MORE ??????

Alrighty …………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Mailbag

Hey-
insert your
dime and
see what
happens.

Well,
alright,
so I have
no idea what
would happen…

The chicken
inside would
probably get
some seed, and
you’d get a
clucking postcard,
that’s my guess.

Sorry to
egg you
on there.

I know I
probably
came across
a bit
hard-boiled.

I was
just yolking.

Ok,
so NO –
this is not
a post
about corny
cock-a-doodle
puns .

It’s actually a
Friday Mailbag
Post.

It’s hard not to
notice how much
the Holidays
dominate
everything
this time of
year —

— hey,
even the
Mailbag is
not immune
to it’s influence.

Still, I think
we can manage
to mix it up to
a point where
it’s not going
to end up
as just another
Christmas
themed post.

And really,
you should be
thanking your
lucky stars that
we didn’t go on
with the rather
egg-selent
puns we were
coming up with.

!! HOY !!

Bark If You Want A Present

I like the
holidays –

though,
they don’t
seem really
as much fun
or festive
as they used
to be….

I’ll admit.

That is….

Until
my dogs
get involved.

Then,
well, any
Grinchey
inclinations
on my part
are washed
away in a sea of
flying, shredded
gift wrap
concealing
things like plastic
chew toys and
smelly pig ears.

Sorry, but my dogs
are more into
gift-getting than
anybody else in
the house –
so,
of course,
they get
spoiled rotten.

Oh yes,
you might
have noticed
the plural
on the
term ‘dogs’ –

(notwithstanding
our resident
she-that-is-never
-seen-except-at
-mealtimes-and
-poopy-field-trips)

– it was decided
a couple months
ago, at board-room
level, that our
dear Daisie-Doggie
needed a canine
co-conspirator,

—so, there’s
a new puppy
in the house
for the holidays
this year.

Her name is
Byng-Bong,
and the pinball
reference is not
only intentional
but also
completely
relevant.

I’ve never seen
anything that
wasn’t being
moved around
by flippers and
bumpers jump
around as much as
this little dog does.

Daisie-D
just looks
at her like she’s
out of her mind.

It’s like
she’s saying:
“Calm down, man!”.

Ten minutes
of crazy is
then followed
by 45 minutes
of blissfully calm
and quiet napping,
while mother nature
renews her supply
of quarters,
I guess.

Then you get
a replay
of the whole
thing again.

I know one thing…..

I wish I could sleep
that soundly or fall
asleep that quick.

Yow.

Anyhoo….
today we bring
you some real,
albeit pretty
over-the-top,
gift ideas
for your doggie.

Although the canine
high-chair might work
in my house with a
certain self declared
Queen of Pomerania.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

Major Suckage

Lame as it might
seem, it’s time
for yer Ole Uncle
Nuts to delve once
again into the vague
and incoherent
world of nautical
allegories –

– such as the fact
that we’ve already
sailed one more day
toward the edge
of what very well
could be a flat
world called 2019.

And spinnakers
aren’t all that
great at catching
a vacuum.

See what I mean
about vague and
incoherent?

We do that a lot
around here.

OK,
so,
cheer up, man.

There’s a big bottle
of bourbon in my
foot locker.

Anyhoo…..
speaking of
a vacuum…

I thought today,
we’d talk about
household vacuum
cleaners.

Why?

Well, at least one of
my readers has admitted
to getting his significant
other such a machine for
Christmas, and I thought
I’d rub it in ….

( Errr… I mean,
explain the background )
a bit.

And a nice Hoover with
all the attachments might
be just exactly what she
wants, I dunno.

( Yeah,…. right .
There’s still time, brother… )

The first carpet sweeping
devices were invented
around the middle of the
1800’s ; they created
a vacuum using a
hand operated bellows.

Then toward the end of
the 1890’s, electric motors
were added – not to suck,
so much, but to blow the
dirt around .
( actually into a specially
designed receptacle. )

It wasn’t until 1905 that a
British inventor came up with
a practical vacuum cleaner
device for the home — it was
called “Griffith’s Improved
Vacuum Apparatus for
Removing Dust from Carpets”.

Both the Kirby and the Hoover
came along a couple years
later- with obviously simpler
brand names, but using the
same basic principle.

They remained relatively
expensive devices, though,
until after World War II –
when the rage for
wall-to-wall carpets in
homes made them almost
a necessity.

Overall, it’s been
a pretty useful and
safe appliance …..

But, over the years,
there have been dozens
of deaths attributed to the
electric vacuum cleaner,
and fall into 3 general
categories:

1: Accidental electrocution:
( what a shock, huh ?)
like trying to suck the
water out of your bath
tub while you’re still in
it.

.

2: Auto-erotic :
( what a buzz-kill, huh? )
like the Oxford student
who was getting kinky
with a couple plastic
bags and a vacuum cleaner.

.

3: Getting hit with one:
( what a way to void
a warranty! )

.

There actually used to
be a 4th common way
to get killed involving
a vacuum cleaner, but
those damned door-to
-door Rainbow Vac
salesmen have finally
given up on my house.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!

.