Quack Quack

aaHave you ever had a
constant ringing in your ears ?

And I don’t mean the kind
that you get for a short time
after a migraine, or a
Justin Beiber concert.

I mean a high pitched sound
that won’t go away–
— and plugging your ears
just makes it worse.

It’s called tinnitus,
and I can’t even
imagine what kinda crazy
it would drive me to,
but some people have
to suffer with it,
day in and day out.

So imagine how relieved
those poor folks would be
if somebody told em that
they had invented a cure.

A company in Brooklyn, New York
did just that around 1900.

tinnitusLet your wondering eyes

( not to mention your sore ears and aching head )

behold the wonder of the age —

The Violin Vibrophone.

Oh, don’t get me wrong now….

It didn’t work .

But they did sell about 120,000
of ’em at about 600 bucks in today’s money.

Let me tell you how it worked.

Errr…
Oh sorry….
how it didn’t work.

This mechanical violin thingee
had all kinds of cool little dials on it,
that you could adjust, so that it
would play a constant note
at the exact same frequency
as your ear ringing sound.

How would that help, you ask?

Hahaha, well there-in lies the rub, my friend.

The only difference was in that
when you finally lost your
ever-lovin’ mind completely,
you wouldn’t know whether
to blame the disease or the cure.

Welcome to the world of
vintage medical quackery devices,
and another of our posts about it.

So strap in, my little friends………
( evil laugh trails off in the distance )

Disclaimer:
Now, I know what you’re thinking…

He’s always putting crummy
disclaimers on his posts,
that don’t have anything
to do with the subject at hand..
…….
it’s just a cheap device going for a cheaper laugh. “

Well, you couldn’t be further
from the truth..
…..
although now that I think about it,
I’m not sure why I decided to
add a disclaimer to this here thing,
exceptin it be to remind you that
this stuff is supposed to be
somewhat funny, even though
it is the real skinny…..

and to warn you that if you
find anything offensive
about the skeletal system
of a healthy female type
person around 35,
you
might want to skip this post
and go read something else.

Cause it’s comin’.

Ahem. 

Listen.

I’m no technological reactionary.

I got no problem with it………

I’m not one of those guys
who bucks every new gizmo that comes along.

Like these scanners at the airport.

I can see how these things
can actually be put to very good use.

2

But it’s not like every technological
marvel that has come along
has been proven to be a boon to mankind.

Some stuff…..,
……. well, I just don’t see
how they got away with selling it.

Like this gizzie for instance.

3

It was called the “Robot Phrenologist” ……..

And as if phrenology as a science
wasn’t goofy enough already …

( it was the practice of determining
one’s personality by reading the bumps on your head)

…. this gizmo used vacuum tubes
to interpret them automatically.

All you had to do was strap
the headgear on, and have plenty of gullible.

Way back when….
almost last week, really,
any product could be marketed
as Doctor Somebody’s Remedy
for such and such…..4

No Doctor required.

So, you had a lot of crap masquerading as cure.

 

This here fine product is an example….

It’s called Doctor William’s Pink Pills for Pale People.

It’s miracle ingredients were all of 3 minerals–

Iron, Manganese, and Copper.

Any lessening of paleness in people
taking this stuff was most likely due to rust.

The device below is called the Heidelberg Electric Belt…..

…… you notice that little electric loop down at the bottom of it?

5

Well, guess what you do with that.

It would send little electric shocks down
through the belt and into that loopy thing.

Hey……..

Do I smell meat burning?

While we’re on the subject of male anatomy…..

6

This device was recently patented….

it’s supposedly for the relief of problems with obtaining erections.

It’s — yes — you guessed it –
—- a penis exerciser.

Apparently, you stick your member in one end,
and then, by adjusting the spring tension,
and moving that paddley thing up and down,
…… you’d be doing the same basic thing as penis pull ups.

Really, I’m not that good
at reading technical drawings, but…..

NO.

Nobody’s putting Little Elvis in a penis pullup machine.

Nobody.

He gets his exercise the old fashioned way.

.

7

Rink And Roll

rinkIt was absolutely
beautiful around here
this week.

Too damn beautiful to cook.

Too damn beautiful
to do any work.

Hell,a2
….. it’s too damn beautiful
to take a shower.

Oh sure,
I know,
— excuses,
excuses.

( I know what you’re thinking —
but it’s never too beautiful
to ride my motorcycle, so-)

Since my brain is
so obviously off-line,

…… we’re digging deep
into the mailbag,Image result for vintage roller skating humor
to pull out what’s going
to have to serve as today’s post.

Let’s see what we got in here.

Oooooo…..

There’s certainly some
interesting goodies.

Alrighty, well —

I’ve always found roller skating
an enjoyable, relaxing sport

— good exercise with plenty
of interesting potentials
for adventure–skating1

And so did folks
in the early 1900’s, apparently.

Ok–

Maybe the old style
hokey organ music
isn’t all that listenable ….

But one cannot help
but make new friendsskate
and acquaintances
while skating,

and the unpredictable
opportunities
for illicit/semi-innocent
bodily contact abound.

When all else failed,
you always had
something to watch,
anyway.skating

Those old rinks with
the wooden boards,
in particular, had spots
in them that would trip up
even the most experienced
of skaters —

In 1970’s Ocala, Florida
there was a great old vintage rink
that I would frequently visit
for just that reason —

Mostly,
doing the old S.W.W.–
Sitting,
Watching,
and Waiting.

One only had to pick your spothattrick
and wait for the fun.

But when/if someone did
hit the floor,
— literally,

the wood floor was much
more forgiving than the
concrete floors of today.

So, it wasn’t actually much
like sadism at all, really,
as much as it sounds like it.

Yes, we did have the advantage
of shorter skirts on the girls,

And I certainly did/do
appreciate that —

But there was also just
something very special
about a wooden
skating floor,

…. no doubt about it.

I don’t ever
remember
calling it ‘rinking’ ,
however.awed

And,
just how does a
roller-wedding
work, exactly?

That seems to have also
been a trend back then.

With This Rink I Do Wed ?

I guess Alice Cooper knew
something about it, after all.

.

HOY !!!

.

aglorianord

Setting ASail

a1Did you ever go
off in a boat
and not have
the slightest idea
of where you
wanted to go ?

I grew up in Fort Lauderdale —

and what with the
Intracoastal Waterway,

— and the various
inlets, and canals —

(they don’t call it the
“Venice of America”
for nothing)

— you could lose yourself
on the water
and never actually
go out to sea.

So,
on the occasional weekend
when I had more than
a quarter in my pocket,

I’d go down the
boat rental place,
point out a likely
looking craft,
and set sail for
parts unknown.

(Whether I was rowing,
or motorboating,
all depended on
how much
more than a
quarter I had —
but the motor
was much better,
believe me. )

Once the suitable
water-going craft
was secured,
I would keep going until
either I
or the boat,
started to run out of gas.can

At which point,
I’d turn around
and ride out the fumes….
….. hoping I wouldn’t
have to push it back.

Did you ever push
a motorboat in the water ?

Hoooo boy,
you’ll only try
to do THAT once.

I think I’ve still got
that murky Intracoastal water
in my ears, man.

there’s something
very appealing
in being on the water….

It draws you to it.

Yes,
I felt it then,
and I still feel it now.a2

(it’s certainly
one of the reasons
I went into the Navy.)

It was also a nice way
to impress a date…
(not pushing the boat–
— but renting the boat! )1940

If she was one of those girls
who lived on the water,
theoretically, you were in.

You could pull up
right to her dock
and look like
Mister Hotshot –
— for about 30 goingafter
microseconds.

Of course,
the large neon letters reading:
CRABBY MIKE’S
BOAT RENTALS

painted on all sides
probably didn’t
add any real authenticity
to your poshy passport exactly,canoea

But at least
you showed
you could navigate,

even if you didn’t have
the proverbial pier
to pitch in.

Truthfully,capt
being a working class teenager
in a generally upscale area
like South Florida
did have it’s advantages,

in that the rich girls I went
to High School with
always seemed to
like guys from the
‘other side of the tracks’.z1

Or in my case,
the other side
of the North New
River Canal.

Now,
you may be asking
what all this rigmarole
has to do with
today’s post…..

And, well you might ask, too.

I have no idea, man.

HOY !!!!!

canoe

Quite A Racquet

racketAnyone for Tennis ?

Ah – well….

I’ll tell you right up front.

Despite the fact that
this post is vaguely
themed on the subject,

I don’t know anything
at all about Tennis.returns

I’m not saying that
it’s a poncey-ass sport,
(though it certainly
looks that way)
simply because I don’t own
a four hundred tennis racket
a four thousand dollar
a year membership
and the compulsory
white shirt and shorts
that seem necessary.

I have to say,
those country club girls
look awful cute
in them there
short tennis dresses,
for sure.

(Not that they’ll let
me in to/or even near
the country club,
but I see them as
I’m driving past, ya know)

And I’ve always
had a yenfoot
for a good $25
club sandwich–

As long as it’s me
that ain’t paying for it.

I mean,
no 3 bacon strip stuff
for those folks
— no fancified B.L.T. here.

Yes,
pancetta all the way.

That Boars Head
maple ham, too, I’ll bet.endup

— and Louis Roederer
vintage Champagne
cocktails for breakfast.

There’s no way of knowing —
the kinda extremes
they might go to at
one of them places.

a4Lifestyles of the rich
and famous, indeed.

It’d only take
one time for a guy
having a temper tantrum
over missing a shot
to start screaming
at me like some
demented John McEnroe —

(I guess that’s kinda
redundant, isn’t it?)

— and it’s curtains–
for him,
and my expensive
membership card.doubles

I bet I wouldn’t even
get my four thousand
bucks back.

But I’ve gotta say–
any sport with
terminology like tennis uses,
has gotta be a sexy sport.

Seriously —inter
where else would
find scores like:
” 40 LOVE “ ????

As soon as
somebody mentioned
“groundstrokes”
well, I was at least
in the mood
to hear more
on the subject.

And I don’t really think
I’d have much problem
with the idea that a
cute tennis instructor girl
might want to show
me a “backhand” …..

(Actually,
I’m already kinda
used to THAT)

I figure it’d just be a
“passing shot“, after all.

I guess I might get
a bit confused
if she then inquired

about my seed,
but why not?

The terms “lob”,
and “all comers”
always have had a
dirty ring to it,
dontcha think?

And if you ask me
“Whose Serve” ?

Oh, well,
truthfully,
you can havea11
your preference
on that one…

That’s my
philosophy, anyway.

So,

No,
it’s NOT
glorified Ping Pong.

Well, ok,
maybe a bit.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!

albuell

 

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