The Daily Retro: Cigarette Ad – Helmar

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Happy July 4th

Hiya
and a
Happy Fourth
of July to you !!!!!!

You might just
have figured
that we
here at
” The Müscleheaded Blog ”
would have come up
with something completely
appropriate for the holiday,

and,
since you asked —

Oh sure,
maybe some
people would consider
it inappropriate —

As for me,
I just can’t think
of anything better
than pretty girls
riding rockets,
setting off fireworks,
and generally
doing/interacting
with things
that could be,
might be,
oh, so
suggestively suggestive.

Phallic, you say?

Hmmm…

well, I guess if I knew
what word meant,
I might agree with you,
but —

Hey, subtlety is not
our specialty around
here, ya know.

And who wouldn’t love
to ride a rocket,
I ask you?

Like Slim Pickens
would say-

” Yeeee Hawwww !!! “

And you would
never question
Slim Pickens’ discretion
would ya, huh ?

I should say not.

However,
if by chance,
we still have not
convinced you
of the complete
irreproachability
of our motives,
and the utter
moral rectitude
and propriety
of the images
herein contained,
and choose to interpret
such symbols sexually,
well,
what can I do about it?

I can only assume
that you possess
a dirty mind,
and suggest that
you run right off
and confess your
intellectual turpitude
to that TV preacher
who will weep heartily
for your eternal soul
while reaping richly of
your earthly wallet.

Personally, I can’t
find a damn thing
wrong with these
vintage Fourth of July
pin ups —

And I hope you
enjoy them,
and
your Holiday, too.

.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

Christmas Left Overs

If you’re a dedicated Muscleheaded
reader, you know that one of our
official blog motto around here is:

“Omnia moderata,
nec moderatio.”

Ok, now–
technically,

— that thought :

“Everything in moderation,
including moderation”

isn’t quite right, either.good

It should actually read:

“Nihil moderatum”

“Nothing In Moderation”.

Not quite the same, you see.

‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.

Especially
when it’s said in
a dead language
that hardly anybody
understands.clowns

Hey-

If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
from ‘Lentils’.

Sine scientia
ars nihil est….
— right ?bed

Ahem.

( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.

It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )

Anyway….

As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
by now,

Here’s a couple left over
bizarre things from
Christmas .1

Sorry,
but…..

…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.

I mean,
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.

The more I get to
thinking  about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….

Hmmmm……

Still,
plenty to choose from.

And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…

Assuming they ever didsmoking
to begin with.

Bad girls,
— smoking in front of Santa.

You never heard
of second hand smoke?

That poor guy’s got
emphysema now.

Jeeez..
have some respect.

You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.

Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.

Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.

It’s not really surprising
that some kids really
hated posing with Santa.santa

Sometimes,
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.

Hey kid,
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????

Hooo boy,
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.

As for this next card,aweird

well….

I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….

I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.

But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.

Of all the lost references,
confusing messages,
and general weirdness
found in Christmas cards,bikersanta

I find the vintage
ones the strangest.

Santas on
motorcycles, too.

And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….

the DYI Santa,creepynun

the clowns,

………. or the happy Nun.

Like I said,

I went to Parochial School —

I KNOW about Nuns.

And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
WATCH OUT.

HOY!!
.

running away

Christmas Eve Morning Music

dWelcome !!!

It’s Christmas Eve –

We’ve got a whole lotta rock and
roll holiday classics for you today !

I hope the fat guy brings you a lotta cool stuff —

Enjoy Your Holidays !

.

The Ramones —
” Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)

.

Chris Rea —
Driving Home For Christmas

.spanksanta

The Pogues —
“Fairy Tale of New York ” 

.

Charlie Parra —
Jingle Bells

.

Carla Thomas —
Gee Whiz It’s Christmas

.

Paul McCartney —
Wonderful Christmastime

.

Coldplay —
Christmas Lights

.santas

Chemical Romance —
All I Want For Christmas

.

Amy Winehouse —
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

.

The Waitresses —
Christmas Wrapping

.

Ronettes —
Sleigh Ridethong

.

The Tractors —
Rockin’ This Christmas

.

AC/DC —
” Our Favorite Things “

.

Panic At The Disco —
” White Christmas

.

Chuck Berry —
Run Run Rudolph

.
George Thorogood –aa
Rock And Roll Christmas”

.

Metallica —
Carol Of The Bells

.

Beach Boys —
Merry Christmas Baby

.

Eagles —
” Please Come Home for Christmas

.

The Killers —c
Don’t Shoot Me Santa Claus

.

Eartha Kitt–
Santa Baby

.

Billy Idol —
Jingle Bell Rock

.

Darlene Love —
Christmas – Baby Please
Come Home
a1

.

Lynyrd Skynyrd —
Christmas Time Again

.

Green Day —
Xmas Time

.

The Dropkick Murphys
” The Season’s Upon Us “

.

And what is still,
after all these years,
my favorite Christmas song of all:

Carpenters :
Merry Christmas Darling

.

Happy Christmas.

And now,
Bob and Doug.

.

a11

Liver Soup

It’s a natural, man.

Feasting around the
holidays, I mean.

It’s the one time
of the year when I
have access to all
my favorite foods
without any
considerations
whatsoever —

— for caloric content,
nutritional information,
difficulty of preparation,
etc, etc, etc.

If I love it-
somebody in my family
is going to be making it,
or buying it,
or bringing it–

— and all I have to do
is be there to consume it.

Brother-
if that ain’t a holiday,
I don’t know what is.

Perogies and kielbasa-
— hot from the pot ?

Yes, please.

Did you say
another Guinness ?

Well, sure –
why not ?

Irish scone?
Love one.

Hey-
any of those
Philadelphia
pretzels left ?

Oh, I already
ate all of them.

No worries –
my sister will be
arriving with
reinforcements
any time now.

My son is coming
in the door with a case
of Blenheim ginger ale —

– that’ll be history
by tomorrow.

Yes, of course,
the red cap , man.

There’s nobody scared
of a little ginger
around here.

Anyhoo,
several friends of mine
(thanks, Katie, Jen, Syn)
were nice enough to
send me pictures that
relate to food in some way-

– and I can’t think
of a more
perfect day to post em.

Ewww………

Liver Soup ??

Anyhoo….

Christmas is getting closer
and closer, and the cookies
are piling up already ……….

So I’d better get going and
do my part to make
some space for more.

!!! HOY !!!

A Machiavellian Kid’s Guide To Getting What You Want From Santa

Writing a letter to Santa
is a yearly ritual for a
lotta kids.

But-

If you’ve been a bad kid
all year who’s now
sweatin’ the whole
‘Santa knows who’s
been naughty or nice’
thing ..

…. and you’ve got
your eyes on a juicy
present stash
from him, anyway —

well, if you learn the
simple steps in the:

“Letters To Santa For
Junior Machiavellians”
system —

you can still call the shots–

— by knowing how to write
just the right kinda letter.

Yep.

It’s a matter of basic human
psychology, man.

Now, of course,
you being a
Junior Machiavellian yourself,
you understand we can’t just
GIVE you this valuable set
of instructions free of charge –

I mean,
what are you, kidding?

Whose pocket do you think
you’re picking here, kid,
anyhow?

Still, we do recognize
the need for a couple
little ‘teasers’ to show
you that our system
means business —

— once you order the
complete 10 volume set,

(only 199.99 –
and you can use
Mom’s debit card)

you’ll be amazed
at all the sly,
slippery methods
you will have at
your disposal.

Yes, you CAN get that
real-live Sherman tank
you’ve always wanted –
(ammunition not included) –

— utterly crush
your enemies ,
while amazing
your friends.

Nobody will pick
you last
for dodge ball again.

Here’s just a few
of the tips
you’ll get in this
valuable 10 volume set:

Tip # 79 :

When you write to Santa,
be sure you express your
utter disdain and unbelief
for him and all he stands for
in no uncertain terms —

— a few choice insults
will always help
(see Tip # 12 ) 

This will , in turn,
make him want to
please YOU and
buy your goodwill through
expensive gifts and goodies-

— instead of you pleasing
him through good works,
grades, and behavior.

Another key technique-
Tip #494:

Always point out
the bad behavior
of others, while
remembering
to downplay your own.

The fact that you’re even
clueing the fat geeze with
the sack in on the hot
skinny, proves that
you’re well deserving of
some big honking presents
for your trouble.

Another helpful idea is to
use positive reinforcement —

Tip #13204:

–talk to Santa about all the
possible benefits of his
ponying up to your demands.

Sort of a
‘ bring presents now,
and I’ll be good later ‘ plan.

But don’t be afraid to use
threats to get
what you want….

Tip # 88,262:

Be sure to couch
those threats with cute
mis-spellings, bad art
and lousy grammar —

— so that no one
in authority will
take you serious.

Only you and Santa
will know just how much
you fucking mean business.

Postal authorities can be
rather difficult, otherwise.

SO,

Avoid disappointment –
and ORDER NOW !

.

.