Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.

Yep.

Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.

Ahem.

Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.

Yeah…

Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —

Y’know….

mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.

So….

I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.

Phooooey.

3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
4
.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.

Wait…

………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.

Next.

Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

Hmmm…
and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
9
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:

9b

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Happy Hallowe’en Y’all

a11aMy daughter’s favorite
holiday is upon us
once again —

I dunno exactly why
millennials seem to
like it so much,
’cause they
don’t really do the
trick or trick thing…

but, Hallowe’en has made
a huge comeback.

whether the appeal is
the dressing up for
costume events
or the creative aspect
of decorating for it….janetleigh

When I think about it,
there were never big
store-fronts being
seasonally rented
(when I was a kid)
just to sell Halloween
costumes and stuff.

Now, you see ’em
every couple of miles.

And as just a space rental thing,
it’s bigger than fireworks here.

I’m told the places are huge,
and carry every kinda thing
youretrocostumes might need to creep out
your friends and neighbors.

And, in my daughter’s case,
I’m pretty sure
it’s the whole artistic
expression thing
the holiday gives rise to
that’s what she
particularly enjoys.veronicalake

I kinda lost some measure
of interest in the holiday
when I stopped getting
free candy and starting
having to buy it, instead.

But, I have to admit,
the potential for
skimpy costumes on
pretty ladies at
parties
and,

of course,
seasonal pin-ups –
marlow
always get me back to
feeling the spirit of
the holiday as it
approaches.

Our predecessors also
seemed quite fond
of the holiday –
-now that I think about it.

And hey ,
with the crisp feel of
fall in the air –
how could anyone not love it?

Happy Hallowe’en !!!

 

 

 

Reflecting The Halloween Season

oukid3Tomorrow will be 
Friday the 13th.

And 17 days
until Halloween.

Interesting.

There have been many
fascinating aspects of
celebrating the Hallowe’en Holiday over the years….

Some,
like door-to-door
‘trick or treat’,
are only now
starting to wane
from popularity,
as our culture
continues to get
more dangerous
and the holiday
evolves into a
more adult
oriented one.

Other customs —

like, for instance,
the time-honored
‘midnight magic mirror’-
a1
— have completely lost
most of it’s relevance
and meaning to the
contemporary
observances.

Still,
it is an interesting facet
in early 20th century
Halloween folklore —

The idea that:
at midnight,
on Halloween night,
an unmarried maiden
or gentleman might,
if the candles are lit just right,
and he or she be pure of heart,
be enabled to behold their
future spouse in the reflection
of the looking glass.

Charming,
right?

And judging from the
media of the time,
something that many folks actually believed could happen.

Hey–
all kinds of strange things
go bump on the night of Halloween —
so why not ?

Superstitious or not — destiny
I’m sure it made for some spooky fun.

I imagine it had a numinous quality that was very appealing to folks.

The images of this rite abound in postcards of the time.

We all know that the folks of the early 1900’s were postcard crazy–

They sent cards
for any and all occasions.

It seems like this
was especially the
case around Halloween.oukid

It will absolutely amaze you
how many different varieties
and themes of Halloween
postcards that there
were published…
mainly between
1900 and 1930.

And of course,
before Halloween arrives,
you can certainly
expect me to revisit
this theme again.

But today,
we’ll look at just
two of the
popular motifs —

The Magic Mirror,
like you can see in cards
# 3, 4 and 7…

and another
very interesting
fancy from the time —

themed on the
‘ O U KID ‘ .

(cards #1, 6, and 8) oukid2

If you caught my post
on the whole ‘ Oh, You Kid
craze —
(of course, you did… )
you won’t be surprised
to see it appear on the
Halloween cards of the period.

And here it is.

The rather subtle sexuality inferred in the expression,
and the stranger qualities
of the vintage version of the holiday mixes surprisingly
well on these cards.

I’ve always felt that halloween
Halloween
had an inherent sexy
undertone about it,
and apparently,
so did our ancestors.

Even the magic mirror cards
invoke a mystical romanticism —

And everybody knows how
sensual candlelight is, right ???

HOY!

.

 

Happy Fourth

Hiya
and a
Happy Fourth
of July to you !!!!!!

You might just
have figured that we
here at
” The Müscleheaded Blog ”
would have come up
with something completely
appropriate for the holiday,

and,
since you asked —

Oh sure, maybe some
people would consider
it inappropriate —

As for me,
I just can’t think
of anything better
than pretty girls
riding rockets,
setting off fireworks,
and generally
doing/interacting
with things
that could be,
might be,
oh, so
suggestively suggestive.

Phallic, you say?

Hmmm…

well, I guess if I knew
what word meant,
I might agree with you,
but —

Hey, subtlety is not
our specialty around
here, ya know.

And who wouldn’t love
to ride a rocket,
I ask you?

Like Slim Pickens
would say-

” Yeeee Hawwww !!! “

And you would
never question
Slim Pickens’ discretion
would ya, huh ?

I should say not.

However,
if by chance,
we still have not
convinced you
of the complete
irreproachability
of our motives,
and the utter
moral rectitude
and propriety
of the images
herein contained,
and choose to interpret
such symbols sexually,
well,
what can I do about it?

I can only assume
that you possess
a dirty mind,
and suggest that
you run right off
and confess your
intellectual turpitude
to that TV preacher
who will weep heartily
for your eternal soul
while reaping richly of
your earthly wallet.

Personally, I can’t
find a damn thing
wrong with these
vintage Fourth of July
pin ups —

And I hope you
enjoy them,
and
your Holiday, too.

.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!