Christmas Left Overs

If you’re a dedicated Muscleheaded
reader, you know that one of our
official blog motto around here is:

“Omnia moderata,
nec moderatio.”

Ok, now–
technically,

— that thought :

“Everything in moderation,
including moderation”

isn’t quite right, either.good

It should actually read:

“Nihil moderatum”

“Nothing In Moderation”.

Not quite the same, you see.

‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.

Especially
when it’s said in
a dead language
that hardly anybody
understands.clowns

Hey-

If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
from ‘Lentils’.

Sine scientia
ars nihil est….
— right ?bed

Ahem.

( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.

It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )

Anyway….

As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
by now,

Here’s a couple left over
bizarre things from
Christmas .1

Sorry,
but…..

…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.

I mean,
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.

The more I get to
thinking  about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….

Hmmmm……

Still,
plenty to choose from.

And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…

Assuming they ever didsmoking
to begin with.

Bad girls,
— smoking in front of Santa.

You never heard
of second hand smoke?

That poor guy’s got
emphysema now.

Jeeez..
have some respect.

You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.

Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.

Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.

It’s not really surprising
that some kids really
hated posing with Santa.santa

Sometimes,
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.

Hey kid,
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????

Hooo boy,
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.

As for this next card,aweird

well….

I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….

I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.

But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.

Of all the lost references,
confusing messages,
and general weirdness
found in Christmas cards,bikersanta

I find the vintage
ones the strangest.

Santas on
motorcycles, too.

And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….

the DYI Santa,creepynun

the clowns,

………. or the happy Nun.

Like I said,

I went to Parochial School —

I KNOW about Nuns.

And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
WATCH OUT.

HOY!!
.

running away

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Christmas Eve Morning Music

dWelcome !!!

It’s Christmas Eve –

We’ve got a whole lotta rock and
roll holiday classics for you today !

I hope the fat guy brings you a lotta cool stuff —

Enjoy Your Holidays !

.

The Ramones —
” Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)

.

Chris Rea —
Driving Home For Christmas

.spanksanta

The Pogues —
“Fairy Tale of New York ” 

.

Charlie Parra —
Jingle Bells

.

Carla Thomas —
Gee Whiz It’s Christmas

.

Paul McCartney —
Wonderful Christmastime

.

Coldplay —
Christmas Lights

.santas

Chemical Romance —
All I Want For Christmas

.

Amy Winehouse —
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

.

The Waitresses —
Christmas Wrapping

.

Ronettes —
Sleigh Ridethong

.

The Tractors —
Rockin’ This Christmas

.

AC/DC —
” Our Favorite Things “

.

Panic At The Disco —
” White Christmas

.

Chuck Berry —
Run Run Rudolph

.
George Thorogood –aa
Rock And Roll Christmas”

.

Metallica —
Carol Of The Bells

.

Beach Boys —
Merry Christmas Baby

.

Eagles —
” Please Come Home for Christmas

.

The Killers —c
Don’t Shoot Me Santa Claus

.

Eartha Kitt–
Santa Baby

.

Billy Idol —
Jingle Bell Rock

.

Darlene Love —
Christmas – Baby Please
Come Home
a1

.

Lynyrd Skynyrd —
Christmas Time Again

.

Green Day —
Xmas Time

.

The Dropkick Murphys
” The Season’s Upon Us “

.

And what is still,
after all these years,
my favorite Christmas song of all:

Carpenters :
Merry Christmas Darling

.

Happy Christmas.

And now,
Bob and Doug.

.

a11

Liver Soup

It’s a natural, man.

Feasting around the
holidays, I mean.

It’s the one time
of the year when I
have access to all
my favorite foods
without any
considerations
whatsoever —

— for caloric content,
nutritional information,
difficulty of preparation,
etc, etc, etc.

If I love it-
somebody in my family
is going to be making it,
or buying it,
or bringing it–

— and all I have to do
is be there to consume it.

Brother-
if that ain’t a holiday,
I don’t know what is.

Perogies and kielbasa-
— hot from the pot ?

Yes, please.

Did you say
another Guinness ?

Well, sure –
why not ?

Irish scone?
Love one.

Hey-
any of those
Philadelphia
pretzels left ?

Oh, I already
ate all of them.

No worries –
my sister will be
arriving with
reinforcements
any time now.

My son is coming
in the door with a case
of Blenheim ginger ale —

– that’ll be history
by tomorrow.

Yes, of course,
the red cap , man.

There’s nobody scared
of a little ginger
around here.

Anyhoo,
several friends of mine
(thanks, Katie, Jen, Syn)
were nice enough to
send me pictures that
relate to food in some way-

– and I can’t think
of a more
perfect day to post em.

Ewww………

Liver Soup ??

Anyhoo….

Christmas is getting closer
and closer, and the cookies
are piling up already ……….

So I’d better get going and
do my part to make
some space for more.

!!! HOY !!!

A Machiavellian Kid’s Guide To Getting What You Want From Santa

Writing a letter to Santa
is a yearly ritual for a
lotta kids.

But-

If you’ve been a bad kid
all year who’s now
sweatin’ the whole
‘Santa knows who’s
been naughty or nice’
thing ..

…. and you’ve got
your eyes on a juicy
present stash
from him, anyway —

well, if you learn the
simple steps in the:

“Letters To Santa For
Junior Machiavellians”
system —

you can still call the shots–

— by knowing how to write
just the right kinda letter.

Yep.

It’s a matter of basic human
psychology, man.

Now, of course,
you being a
Junior Machiavellian yourself,
you understand we can’t just
GIVE you this valuable set
of instructions free of charge –

I mean,
what are you, kidding?

Whose pocket do you think
you’re picking here, kid,
anyhow?

Still, we do recognize
the need for a couple
little ‘teasers’ to show
you that our system
means business —

— once you order the
complete 10 volume set,

(only 199.99 –
and you can use
Mom’s debit card)

you’ll be amazed
at all the sly,
slippery methods
you will have at
your disposal.

Yes, you CAN get that
real-live Sherman tank
you’ve always wanted –
(ammunition not included) –

— utterly crush
your enemies ,
while amazing
your friends.

Nobody will pick
you last
for dodge ball again.

Here’s just a few
of the tips
you’ll get in this
valuable 10 volume set:

Tip # 79 :

When you write to Santa,
be sure you express your
utter disdain and unbelief
for him and all he stands for
in no uncertain terms —

— a few choice insults
will always help
(see Tip # 12 ) 

This will , in turn,
make him want to
please YOU and
buy your goodwill through
expensive gifts and goodies-

— instead of you pleasing
him through good works,
grades, and behavior.

Another key technique-
Tip #494:

Always point out
the bad behavior
of others, while
remembering
to downplay your own.

The fact that you’re even
clueing the fat geeze with
the sack in on the hot
skinny, proves that
you’re well deserving of
some big honking presents
for your trouble.

Another helpful idea is to
use positive reinforcement —

Tip #13204:

–talk to Santa about all the
possible benefits of his
ponying up to your demands.

Sort of a
‘ bring presents now,
and I’ll be good later ‘ plan.

But don’t be afraid to use
threats to get
what you want….

Tip # 88,262:

Be sure to couch
those threats with cute
mis-spellings, bad art
and lousy grammar —

— so that no one
in authority will
take you serious.

Only you and Santa
will know just how much
you fucking mean business.

Postal authorities can be
rather difficult, otherwise.

SO,

Avoid disappointment –
and ORDER NOW !

.

.

Reining-In Horsepower For Christmas

As I was thinking about
how to approach this week’s
Saturday Car post, I got
to wondering what kinda car
Santa would have if he didn’t
have the advantages of
reindeer-provided horse-power.

And exactly what is the
conversion rate from
‘RP’ to ‘HP’,
for that matter ?

The Canadians and Scandinavians
will tell you that a reindeer
has about twice the pulling
power of the average horse
(which is theoretically
considered to be “1 HP” ) –
– and we’d still need to
consider traction, torque
and wheel slip when
getting back to car terms.

Of course, if we’re talking
about Caribou versus Clydesdale, who knows
just how that’d turn out.

Still, the below-average Yugo
should still beat em both.

Just don’t tell them
reindeers that, though —

they’ve got a pretty
bad temper, apparently.

How their temperament
would improve horsepower
ratings is also anyone’s guess.

But you gotta assume extra
rutting hormones will certainly
convert to higher power to
the ground.

And that brings up a
supplemental problem
when dealing with this
whole issue —

Since reindeer,
at least the ones Santa
employs, are dealing more
with air speed
than ground speed.

In other words-
Thrust
(always a good thing)
oh,
and of course,
Lift — .
(also very helpful)

I’m not really sure
that galloping motion
you always see them
making with their hooves
while they’re flying
develops any real thrust
at all.

And since the average reindeer
weighs 350 pounds —
lift might be something
very tricky to achieve
considering the
non-aerodynamic shapes
in question.

You add Santa, a sleigh,
a shitload of presents,
and a heavy thermos of
mocha Java
( his favorite )
and you might
as well ask
an Abrams Tank
to take wing.

Wow,
this is suddenly getting
very, very complex indeed.

Ahem.

Getting back to the car post
for just a mo, tho —

Here’s a mildly interesting
and lesser known trivia
question for you –

How many cars were
actually named
after Santa’s reindeers ?

(uhh– don’t take the
‘named after’ thing
too seriously)

Well….

1: The original 1974
Volkswagen ‘Passat’
was called the ‘Dasher ‘
in the U.S.

.

2: Ford/Lincoln-Mercury
made the ‘Comet’
between 1960 and 1977.

.

3: Between 1986 and 1989, the
‘Vixen’ , an American R-V
made in Pontiac, Michigan
and powered by a BMW 2.4
liter in-line 6 cylinder turbo
charged diesel engine–
which is to be best
remembered for it’s
spaciousness despite having an
extremely low center of gravity.

.

4: In 1909, Benz and Cie
of Mannheim, Germany
created the ‘Blitzen Benz ‘ —
which broke the world land
speed record in 1911 at Daytona
– with an impressive 141 miles
per hour.

.

And in the new remake of National Lampoon’s
“Vacation”, the producers have created
a new fictional automotive legend capable
of shaming both the Yugo and the Family
Truckster —

— an Albanian made
minivan called a
‘Tartan Prancer’ .

So… ,
not counting the
movie one, and
granting only a
generous half a point
for the RV —
the answer is:
3 and a half. 

.

Oh, you say you
wanna check me?

Ok-
There was:

Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen .

You find a car manufacturer
making a Renault Rudolph
or a Diahatsu Dancer and I’ll
concede defeat.

Otherwise,
!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!

.

.

 

Help! Santa Got Me

I’ve got nothing
against Santa, man.

When you really
get down and think
about it…..

the whole buzz
on the street about him
having a ‘thing’ for
reindeer —

and his rather peculiar way
of breaking into people’s
houses in the middle of the
night —

not to mention that thing
you saw Mama doing to
Santa under the mistletoe
that night —

doesn’t over-ride the
most important aspect
of the holiday —

— getting lots of
presents.

Hey,
I heard the reindeer like it,
and it’s worth a glass of milk
and a crummy cookie or two,
ain’t it ?

But truthfully, if there’s
one holiday job that there
ain’t enough money in the
world to pay me to do –

It’s the job of
department store Santa.

Sure, I know
what you’ve heard–
that they’re really all
Santa’s helpers
from the North Pole.

But, that’s
just bullshit.

Yes, not only are
those guys imposters —

but they’re actually
miserably paid temporary
workers in ill fitting costumes…

— who probably don’t even
get enough health insurance
to protect them from
catching heaven-knows-what
from those disease-carrying
screeching rugrats that strange
people keep shoving onto
their laps for a lousy
photo opp.

(I wonder if the real Santa
knows about all this….. )

I’m not that crazy about
kids, anyway…..

I love my own,
but other people’s
— I can definitely do without.

And having to go to work
day after day, knowing
that one or more of those
little bastards will be
sitting on my lap while
they scream bloody murder
in my ear, piss their (and
thus, mine) pants and try
to pull off the cotton wool
glued to my face ?

Fuck that.

It’s amazing you don’t hear
of more about guys doing
that job going ape-shit
postal at the Outlet or
the Fashion Square,
ya know ?

Man, you talk about
sainthood —
those guys deserve it.

Even if they are
impostors
and all.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.

Yep.

Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.

Ahem.

Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.

Yeah…

Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —

Y’know….

mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.

So….

I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.

Phooooey.

3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
4
.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.

Wait…

………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.

Next.

Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

Hmmm…
and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
9
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:

9b