P.J. O’Rourke says:

” Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.”

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The Dog Days Of August

How
about that ?

August
already.

Hmmm….
time to break
out my monthly
calendar and see
just what the
@#*^%’s
going on.

OOoooooooooo.

Did you
know:

August is National
‘Admit You’re
Happy’ Month?

What was that song….

If you’re happy and
you know it,
get the clap.

Maybe I got
the words
out of place,
I dunno.

It’s National
‘Clown Week’
between the 1st
and the 7th.

Hmmmm….
it seems to me
that it’s
actually been
‘ Clown Week ‘
for sometime.

That might
just be my bad
attitude talking,
or so say some.

Hoo boy.

August 3rd
is gonna
be busy –
It’s National
“Grab Some Nuts” day.

I’ve always said
they were
under-rated,
but
as far as
grabbing em,
it depends on
technique,
of course.

‘International Beer Day’
is also Friday, August 3-

now, that’s a
holiday I think
maybe has some
definite potential.

Yeah, man.

Can you name
three of your
favorite foreign
brews?

Off the top
of my head,
I’d say:

” Guinness “,
” Żywiec ” ,
and “Duvel “,

but I could
go on
and
on and on
and on, and on…

And it makes
sense that
the following day is
“International
Hangover Day”,
too.

‘National Underwear’ Day
is the 5th – the day after
‘Coast Guard’ Day.

What you do to celebrate
it as a package deal is
go deep sea diving in your
underwear, and then call
for rescue.

No,
better not.

‘Left Handers Day’
is the 13th.

Hey- who doesn’t
need a little variety,
right ?

‘Bad Poetry Day’ is
Wednesday, August 18-

– try to come up with
something that doesn’t
start with a line like:
“There Once Was
A Girl From Nantucket ”

Kiss and Make Up
day is the 25th —

– in case you’re not
still wearing your
wet underwear.

‘National
Dog Day’ is
the 26th —

— which just
proves the old
adage about
every dog
has
his/her day.

Except my dog.

Daisie’s day
is
every
day.

!!! HOY !!!

.

The Corporate Friday Mailbag

Attention:
It has come to my
attention that I have
somehow let my
attention slip
and have not
been paying close
enough attention
to the attention I
should have been
paying to the fact
that it’s Friday !

How
so very
inattentive
of me.

Oh well…

Today’s exercise
in redundancy is
brought to you
by these fine
corporate slogans
(or, what they
should be, anyway) :

Bic Pens
” Buy Your Own
For A Change “

IKEA
” There’s A Reason
We Don’t Put It Together ”

KIT-KAT
” When You Don’t Have
Time To Decide
Right Or Left”

Coca-Cola
” Yeah, Sure, It’s Still
The Classic Coke. ”

KFC
” Who The Fuck
Is The ‘Kernel’ ? ”

Milk Bones
” Your Dog Understands –
It’s Not Milk,
and It’s Not A Bone”

Taco Bell
” Try Our New
No-Meat,
No-Cheese,
No-Flavor Taco”

El Cheapo
Magic Markers

” Another White Shirt
Bites The Dust ”

Bud Light
” When Taste Is
Not A Priority”

Chrysler / Fiat
” We’ll See Ya
On The Shoulder “

Sprint – ”
Hey, We’re Almost
Just As Good ”

Chef Boyardee
” You Remember Us,
Don’t You ?”

Exxon
” Our Gas Is So Clean,
It Cleans Your Wallet Too ”

The One Big Airline
” Yes, Bend Over,
Cause You Know
It’s Comin’ “

Bell & Howell
” The Brand That Used
To Mean Something ”

Black & Decker
” Bell and Howell
Stole Our Slogan ”

Pampers
” Paper Diapers Wouldn’t
Have Been Near Good
Enough To Your Grandmother ”

SOYJOY
” No, You Can’t
Milk A Soy Bean ”

Waffle House
” Lock and Load ”

Hot Pockeys
” Lava Ain’t Just In Hawaii ”

CinnaBun
” Rotting Teeth For
Over 30 Years ”

Ticket Master
” Don’t Scream Rape
If You Don’t Mean It ”

Playboy Magazine
” Irrelevant, and Now
With Less Nudes”

Bounty Paper Towels
” The Expensive Picker Upper ”

UPS
” Brown Trucks Don’t
Need To Be Washed ”

Patek Philippe Titanium
” We Spit On
Your Lowly Rolex ”

Sears
” It Was Sure
Nice Knowing Ya ”

GNC
” Pay More – Get Less “

Blue Moon Beer
” Keep The Orange
Slice, Doofus ”

General Motors
” 5 Brands, One Style “.

And finally …..

The Original
Rollerball Movie

” We Tried To Tell You ”

.
Note: all brand-names and trademarks
 mentioned in this post fall under the 
"Fair Use" provisions of U.S. Copyright
Law, Title 17 and remain the property 
of their respective owners. While it 
would seem a rather trivial matter to 
some, corporations do seem to get 
a little pissy when it comes to somebody
 having a little fun at their expense, 
even if there is more than a shallow 
ring of truth in what's being implied. 
Man, that's life, I guess.

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

The Mail Bag Of The Future

Yes, friends —

– experience the
mail bag of
tomorrow, today —

or the mail bag
of next week ,
this week,
if you’d rather —

Any abstruse
overstatement that
you’d choose to use to
exaggerate the mundane
truth is just fine with me..

Cause, really —

It’s just another
Muscleheaded
MailBag Post.

Hey-
I did have you
going for a
second, right?

That’s why they call me
Mister Excitement, man.

Ok-

so, they don’t really
call me anything
like that but,
I’ve been noticing how
they sell cars on TV
these days —

they all look
the exact damn
same to me,
but somehow
the ballyhoo and
advertising rhetoric
makes it sound like
certain models were
designed to be so
very, very, very, very
distinctive and different.

Very.

Very Very.

Blech.

Like the over-paid
actor in the commercial
who tells his
over-priced SUV
‘ good job ‘
after it’s computer
screen entertains
him during a
long ferry ride.

Yes, well.

Anyhoo –

I figured maybe
that I’d spruce
up our MailBag post
with all sorts of similar
hype nonsense in
the hopes that hardly
anyone would notice
that it’s pretty much
just another batch of
interesting vintage
postcards without
that much of a
rhyme or reason
tying them together.

Which of course,
is staying true
to the original,
impenetrable,
profoundly vapid
reasoning that
has made the
Muscleheaded
Blog – for over 10
years –
so wonderfully
unreadable for
anyone but those
super special,
happy few who
somehow understand
just what the
fuck this thing
is all about.

Thank heaven for em.

I wish somebody’d
explain it to me
sometime.

Cause I’m totally
flummuzzled and
carnfoosed.

Still,
we carry on.

Happy Friday Y’all.

.

!! HOY !!

 

The Friday Mail Bag

Friends are always
sending me very
interesting stuff
that makes me laugh –

– and then
I have to
start wondering –

– just how I’m gonna
squeeze it into a post
somehow.

That can get
pretty tricky
at times.

But no worries,
cause the
‘your author has
simply had an attack

of writers’ block,
and that means pictures ‘
excuse is certainly alive
and well around here.

Hmmmmm…..

When you think
about it, it’s more
like a ‘mind-cramp’
than a writer’s ‘block’…

And
“Hydrate, hydrate,
hydrate” is the rule
for cramps, ya know.

So…
let’s see —

This new bottle of
Wild Turkey looks
like it could be
quite refreshing.

Ahem.

I’m not really sure
that would loosen
up the mind ‘cramps’
or not.

Or maybe you guys
need the stuff more
than I do to read the
babble that’s been
gurgling out so far
for this edition of
the Friday Mail Bag.

But the submissions
that we’ve gotten
are all pretty cool….
( more, please )

so, we’ll try a little
less conversation
and a little more action.

Seems I’ve heard
that phrase
somewhere before.

Probably from my
first girl friends.

Ok-
well,
here goes.

Without any
further ado.

The

Friday

Mail

Bag.

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Crackerjack Slang

Well,
I’ll have to admit,
we use a lot of slang
around here
at the
Muscleheaded Blog……..

I like to say
that a bit
of the blarney blarg
helps make my posts
almost completely
incomprehensible,
which is good ’cause
no one can take exception
to what I’m saying if they
don’t even understand
what the hell I’m even
talking about.

And if maybe a coherent
thought should slip
through every now
and then,
well…

what’s a salsa without
a little lime, chili and
cilantro?

(mushy tomatoes and
onions, mostly)

Errr.. my point ,
belabored as
it may be,
is:
{ if N=slang then
W+O+R+D+S (+N) }
makes up more than
the sum of it’s letters –

it’s a kinda code that really
doesn’t make any sense to
anyone except the people
who are in on the thing.

(and heaven only knows
who ‘they’ are)

Until it gets
out of the bag,
as it were,
and then,
it becomes part
of ‘popular parlance’.

Think about it.

At one time, only a small
group of people knew that
there was another meaning
to the word ‘beaver’ other
than just a cousin to the
honey badger.

But it spread.Related image

Umm…
I mean, the popularity of
the expression spread.

And now,
well…
you can jump
to your own conclusions.

Today, we’re attempting
to revive what were,
at one time,
very popular expressions…

(good luck
with that, right …. )

For instance,
you might remember
that the Victorians were
very touchy about
certain words,
and used substitutes
and insider slang to
replace the names
of stuff that they
didn’t like to talk about.

Testicles,
for instance.

Very touchy.

They called ’em
whirlygigs’.

Much better, huh?

But you had to
be quite a
‘whipster‘ to know
what they meant
when they said it.

And that’s what
this whole
whipt syllabus’
is all about.

Sorry to be such
a ‘whisk‘ about it…..

– but a guy’s gotta just
gaze at the melody‘,
ya know.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

 

Doin’ The Donut

1948As you’ve probably have learned
from reading the Muscleheaded Blog —

There’s a lot about
the previous generations
that they never told us about.

We grew up thinking
that they didn’t have all that many vices to speak of —

….. at least,
I did.

Anddoll
boy howdy,
were we misled.

I guess maybe it was
just a whole lot easier
to keep their
whims,
peccadilloes,
and fancies secret
than it is for us today.

doughnutgames

But,
we can always
get a glimpse
of just how weirddonutgames
they were back then,
from their printed matter–

— like advertising,
and
of course,
postcards
and brochures.

This interesting submission
came to ushole
all the way
from California.

If emails needed stamps,
that woulda got
kinda expensive.

And somehow,
I shouldn’t be all
that surprised
that it came from
there, either.um

Yes,
my friends…..

The next time your party
starts to go flatter than one
of Suzie Wonder’s
gluten-free pancakes–

You can become the
life of the gang bang,
with this handy guide.

It’s called:
The Most Popular
Donut Games
” —
and features 9 or 10
exciting and festive excuses
— to buy a bunch of donuts.bend

( Sure, you could just eat ’em,
but what fun would there be in that? )

It contains some very
strange suggested diversions –

Like this illustration
on how to eat donuts
‘doggie style’.

I dunno if a poodle skirtdonutqueen
is optional or not.

But I like the hands-tied-
behind-the-back idea,
anyway.

Nothing says “PARTY” to me
like bondage.

Also included,
are a complete set of rules
for amusing yourself and your party guests with :

The Donut Snatch Dance.

Yes, sure,
the namea1
suggests an interesting
party concept for sure…

But in this case,
it’s simply about
making chicks
carry a donut around
on a red ribbon
while the guys at the
party try to take a bite out of it.

If they get a piece…,
of her donut,
that is… ,
they get a dance.

I’m so disappointed.

Still, it has potential.

You could substitute for1951
the donut, I guess…

And the prize could have
been upgraded on demand,
for all I know.

While I’m no fan of donuts,

(well, ok,
a nice French Cruller
every once in a while
goes nice with a double espresso)

—— any excuse
for friskiness at a boring party,
no matter how mundane,
is OK with me.donutime

Hey, man —
It’s always Do-Nut time.

Umm…
……. yeah.

 

 

And since
I’m obviously still writing
the same tawdry kitsch
I’ve been doing for 15 years now,

—– these submissions are
right up my alley.

Of course,
one of these days,
I might even start dunk
getting good at it,
too… dammit.

Hey–
it could happen.

And I do love donuts.

Oh,
and by the way,1957
friends, remember–

The next time
you place your order ,
Don’t forget to say :

NO ANCHOVIES, PLEASE.

Ahem.

Hey Mister Moose–
Myrna says:
Have A Donut !!!!!

HOY!

myrnasayshaveadonut