Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

No,
not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
V
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
anyway,bang
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.

:::

Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Signed,
Careful With Money.

.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,carwreck

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Signed,
Prince Lovesick.

.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)
 

.

.

Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.
deepthroat

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.

.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
weird
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

Signed,
A Plagiarist in Love.
.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

Dumbass.
PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)
  

.

Happy V-Day !

————————————————————
arough

 

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Stupid Automotive Inventions

Today on
Stupid Automotive Inventions:

” The Horsey Horseless”  ,
” Caddy Cocktails ” ,
” The Steering Wheel of Death”

Yes,
these and less,
much much less.

Damn, I already
gave away
the premise of the post
in the title, didn’t I ?

Ah well.

I guess that
I’ll just get on
with it, then –

Go on,
be that way.

The Horsey Horseless.

Invented in 1898 by a
guy in Battle Creek, Michigan

( the home of Corn Flakes –
which seems somewhat appropriate here, somehow … )

– the Horsey Horseless
was supposed to be
an automobile that
wouldn’t scare the horses,
which were the main
transportation modalities
at the time (that’ll be 20 cents
for that word, by the way).

The theory was that since
the thing had a horse head
on the front, (which doubled
as a fuel tank) the animals
would just figure it was a
very noisy, smelly stallion
that ran on gasoline and not
go all skittish and all.

No, he didn’t know
anything about equine nature
– that’s obvious- and it was
an abject failure.

Hell, folks forgot all about it,
till some high falootin’ loud
mouth musclehead put it on
his blog 120 years later.

Shame on that guy.

Ahem.

I would mention the
in-car record players,
at this point, but I’d truthfully
love to play around with one
of those, so…

Hey-
what about that
“Steering Wheel of Death “,
you ask ?

Well, did you ever stop and
wonder how Sammy Davis Jr
acquired that glass left eye?
( or was it the right ? )

Ahh — interesting story —
that points directly to the
Steering Wheel of Death.

‘Cause the 1954 Cadillac
El Dorado Brougham he
was driving was equipped
with that thing when he got
in a collision in Los Angeles
and his face came straight
down hard upon the bullet
nose style heavy chromed steering wheel.

Cadillac discontinued the
feature shortly after that,

(and you’ll rarely see one that
hasn’t been replaced with a
less dramatic shape today)

— however, they decided
to double down on safety
in the 1957 El Dorado, by
equipping it with a mini-bar
in the front passenger area,
complete with custom cocktail
glasses.

Man, they did it
with style,
you gotta admit.

Sure, auto makers could improve
the efficiency and safety of their
cars, and did in many ways –
but never at the expense
of style or profit –
at least until inventors and
regulators got involved.

Here’s a good example
of what I mean –
– notice the narrow
tail-lights on the car
in the next picture. 

Most cars of the period had
very small indicator lights
because it was considered
old-fashioned and unstylish
to incorporate larger ones –
thus, phosphorescent mittens
were invented to help drivers
signal a turn.

But- let’s not forget
the part in the car
that causes the
most traffic accidents —

— the nut behind the wheel.

And I got a feeling that,
other than dehumanizing it,
self-driving automated cars
ain’t gonna change any of that.

!! HOY !!!

.

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

For Sybarites Only

elvgren” The thing about
bathycolpian–”
– he says,
his words slurred

with alcohol and
excitement….  

Ahem.

My friends are
always giving me
great ideas
to steal from them
for blog posts……

(Whether they
plan it that way,
or not….. )

janerussell

Bathycolpian- a lady (like Jane Russell) with voluptuous breasts

The person responsible
for this one knows
who she is

( at least, if she’s even
reading this — )

and what she did
to inspire it

( at least,
— if she hasn’t
forgotten about it yet)

and of course,
what the hell
‘bathycolpian’
even means.

gals

Honeyfuzzle — to compliment flirtatiously


Ahem.

Hey–
not to ‘honeyfuzzle’ around,
but she is a very
creative person, you know.

And I can tell you,
as far as things
bathycolpian
are concerned,
I’m a big, big, big fan.

Then, another of my
favorite readers
commented about
one of posts relating
to the word
callipygian ‘,

a1

Brizzle — to heat to the point of ignition

(of which I am,
also a big, big fan )

— another word
which kinda
has the same connotation,

but not really…..

I know,
clear as mud.

But see,
that’s where the
whole bathycolpian
thing comes in.

( Hey–
I know what you’re thinking,
but this post
doesn’t have
anything to do

miss

Eroteme — a question mark

with Betty Brosmer,
either )

Now, before you cast
that ‘eroteme’ in my direction …

or infer that
I’m being
somewhat of an ‘aeolist’ ….

Ah.

I’ll just mention,
in passing, of course,
that this is another
in our posts about
expressing oneself
using ‘grandiloquent
vocabulary.

Ludical- playful sensuality

Ludical- playful sensuality

Wait,
back up —
I like that word —
— eroteme.

Sounds dirty,
somehow, doesn’t it ?

It just means a
question mark,
but still —

— you never really

know how down and dirty
that concept can get, right ?

It makes me ‘brizzle’
just thinking about

stolen

Aeolist– a person playing with words to seem wise

the ‘ludical‘ possibilities.

You see,
that’s how these words work–
they kinda stimulate the back side
of your brain and

— maybe even give
you ideas you never knew
you were gonna have.

And using them is
a helluva lot of fun, too.

Cause, really,
I’m just an old
‘sybarite’ at heart.

Boy Howdy,
am I ever.

!! HOY !!

tedwithers

Sybarite– a hedonist

.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

Friday Mail Bag

No matter hep you are
to the lingo back then,
it’s hard to say what
some of this early
1900’s stuff even means,
ya know ?

Although,
handing over
your pay envelope,

in one way or another,

– we all do
pretty much
every week.

And of course,
‘peace at any price’ also
has implications that run
deep through history ,
and at the turn of the
century, maybe
even more so.

There was a very strong
movement in the
United States
at the time to keep
out of hostilities overseas
about the time these
were printed —

— it seemed to many
that the problems of Europe
had very little to do with
the average American’s
everyday life, and have
should remained so.

But as we’ve learned,
and to quote Eve Curie:

” We’ve discovered that 
peace at any price is no 
price at all. ” 

I wonder if the same can
be said of domestic affairs.

I think the artists of these
vintage cards are aiming to
find out .

!!! HOY !!!

Friday Mailbag Post

Yes, friends —

it’s Friday,
and time for
another of
our well-beloved,
blue ribbon winning
mailbag posts.

( well,
ok,
so —

there is technically 
not a blue ribbon for
this category at the
State Fair, but it’s as
well beloved as
Mrs. Alma Johnston
of Raleigh-Durham’s
‘Apple Crumb Cake’
around here… )

I’m not really into
apple cakes, really,
but hers is
amazingly good,
( she uses three
kinds of apples )
if you ever get a
chance to try it.

While you’re there,
you might also mention
to the blue ribbon panel
the possibility of maybe
launching a new category
for ‘mailbag’ posts, I dunno.

Just a thought.

Anyhoo…..

If you don’t know how
this thing works,
well,
it goes thusly:

Our wonderful readers
(you are wonderful, aren’t you?)
send us cool vintage postcards
and other odd ephemera
that they’d like to see featured
here on this here fine blogging
establishment.

Wow –
novel idea, right ?

Alright,
so I never said
that we were some kinda  powerhouse of significant
creativity —

We’re just in it
for the money.

You can’t say
we ain’t polite
about it, though.

And since we’re
not making any,
I guess we probably need
to rethink our priorities….

… but we’re nothing if
we’re not obstinate.

So, here’s
another edition
of the mailbag —

brought to you
steaming hot
with all of
the shipping charges
completely waived.

Thanks to all
of you nice folk
who contributed to it.

You know y’all iz.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Football And Spooning

I know that around
the New Year, a lotta
folks turn their attention
to the noble sport of
FOOTBALL.

Of course, most folks
overseas don’t think
of the same thing
when they think of
football.

Actually,
we call THAT
game soccer.

Yawn.

I say, if you don’t need
a mouth guard, helmet
and pads, you ain’t hitting
and being hit hard enough
for it to be real football.

But my European, Asian
and South American friends
do go just as ape-shit for
their game as we do ours.

So be it, man.

Our American football
has a long and storied
history –

especially College Football.

Although I am not
exactly what you’d
call a team-sports
fanatic, I do still fly the
blue and gold when
Notre Dame is playing
in a big bowl game,
and I ain’t ashamed
of that, one damn bit.

I used to be a Miami
Hurricanes fan, too,
until I just couldn’t
stand any more
showboating, baiting, and
unsportsmanlike conduct —

sure, the green’s a bit
different, but I liked it
cause they were the local
college team for me
as a teenager.

But, Sebastian’s flying
a bit low these days,
if you ask me.

Still, football has been
very, very good to me.

Ok, so that’s not the
right reference, is it?

Well, in a way it is —
my buddy Big Mike
saw my blog on
baseball and spooning,
and realized that he had
some football ones just
like that.

And voila.

A post about vintage
football-spooning cards.

Life’s good.

I have looked
high and low
for the rest of the set,
if there is any ‘rest’,
( I dunno )
and I haven’t
come up with em-

but if you have one
or more,
I’d love to get
my greedy eyeballs
on em –

— if you can manage
to email me
a piccie or two.

But either way,
we got some cool
ones today
to share.

I hope you
enjoy em.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!