Talking Outta Your Hat

The Friday Mail Bag
post is on the air !

! YAY !

Ok,
so I know it’s
kinda a
hammy-retroish
expression to
open up a post with,

— I admit that openly,
and in all free will
and accord.

But,
dammit,
it’s getting harder
and harder to even
try to be original
with these intros
for the mailbag posts
when all I’m really
doing is bringing on
the next act, as it were.

Maybe ……
I should just
try a riff with a
snare drum and a
cymbal next time….

Like in ole burlesque.

It’d be one thing
if I was introducing
that girl who could
do all those amazing
things with two tassels,
a large flowery hat,
and a plastic snake …

Or those double
jointed twins with
the penchant for riding
backwards on the
handlebars of unicycles.

I know….

I’m just talking
through my hat.

Which kinda gives
me an idea for a
theme of sorts……

Let’s dig down deep
in the mailbag and
see what I can find
to make my headwear
hypothesis ambitions
match the physical
reality of the situation.

Like that’s
never a
problem with
other stuff.

Heh.

If I had a nickle, boy.

!!! HOY !!!

.

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Little Packets of Love

loveYes, my friend —

Love sure can get weird.

You can have all the
best intentions in the world —

— not to buy into the whole ‘love/ownership’ thing,

and more especially ,

the intention ‘to stay a bachelor’.

Sure, ok —2

So you found this one ‘special’ girl
that can do all the stuff you like,
and pizza flavored, too.

But that doesn’t mean
you should throw out
the anchor and
settle down, right?

All your friends remind you
that there’s plenty o fish in the sea,

….. and all that.

And I mean,

think of your hard
earned reputation.a1

( Wait,
maybe we shouldn’t talk about that… )

Yes,

I agree clean sheets are a nice luxury,
(and for some reason, a marital requisite),

…..but think about all those
sly, come hither looks
you’re gonna have to ignore at the gym
( or at least, have to stop giving ).

And,1

Yes,
a woman’s touch can be just
what your apartment needs,
in place of that
‘Wreck of the Hesperus’
decorating theme
you’ve been using since 1994–

……but doesn’t that also mean
you’re gonna have to give up
hosting your weekly strip
poker tournaments?

Oh well,
it hasn’t been all that
much fun anyway,a2
— since all the girls
stopped showing up,
I guess, but still…..

And,

Absolutely,
the whole soul mate/intimacy/two people into one thing
sounds just lovely,

…..but that would also mean
you’d have to clean out your refrigerator,

and throwing out those exotic
‘spices’ you’ve got in there.

And,
Hey–
Don’t you ever check
expiration dates ???? a1

About those dirty magazines/videos
that take up two closets and half of your living room…..

I’m thinking those will have to go, too, man.

Oh yes,
I hear you-

— you’d be gaining a beautiful, sexy wife,

….. and, of course,

she might let you drive her
vintage midnight blue
special edition
1979 De Tomaso Pantera–1979pantera

—- the one she got from
her rich daddy for her
high school graduation,

and has had
(and maintained herself)
since she was 17,

That’s gotta count for somethin’.

(vroooom, vrooooooooom )a3

……but somehow I don’t
think she’s gonna look too kindly
on you spending ten hours a day posting to your dirty Tumblr
account,

and video chatting with girls
who only recently learned
how/why to wear a garter belt.

And let’s forget the date you
have with the Kelly Triplets–

Susie, Sandy,
and the one with
that strawberry birthmark
just north of her iliopsoas,

….. and that room deposit
in Montego Bay for September.a2

Do you really want to
disappoint those girls (again) ?

Man, I don’t know .

And frankly,
I’m not even gonna mention
that big ole allegorical
elephant in the room
that is the biggest conundrum
of all —

Ok–
I will mention it.

Just what in the hell does
that wonderful, beautiful
woman see in you ???

That, my friend,
— is what you call a mystery
wrapped in an enigma.

Yeah.

I’m assuming some
type of visual acuity issue.

But I can tell you milkshae
that this whole
marriage proposal thing
is fraught with dangers.

If you insist on
doing it,
you’d better do it right.

And not like these guys.

a11Submitted for
your approval,
case number one:

A guy took his girlfriend
to a hockey game in Detroit,
and had pre-arranged to
have his beau led to center ice
at intermission
on the pretext that
she won a door prize.

On the way,
she slid on the ice,
and couldn’t get back on her feet.

While the ambulance was en-route,
Mister Sensitivity who planned
the whole thing decided to forge
ahead with his plan, and presented
an engagement ring to his prone,
partially paralyzed, and
pretty pissed off paramour —a1a

—- saying something about
‘this’ll make you feel better’.

So, although it turned out
that she hadn’t actually
won a prize,
(far from it),
she had torn the ulnar collateral ligament in her right elbow,
and she ruptured a couple
of discs in her back–
—– the story still did end
up having a happy ending.

Because she told him to go fuck himself
in front of thousands of amused hockey fans.

But, since it was a hockey game,
I guess she mighta said ‘puck‘,
I dunno.

.uhyeah

.

.

Case Number Two:

It don’t take a rocket scientist to know what probably happened
to this guy in Long Beach, California,
when you find how he proposed.

He took his hottietaco
to a local Taco Bell,
sprung for a couple
of tacos ( 99 cents each
for a limited time ),
and handed her a hot sauce
packet with the words:
” Will You Marry Me ?” on it.

Oh brother.

He shoulda just got that
ugly little Chihuahua to
do the dirty work.

a1Hey baby,
the dog says: “Yo quiero“.

Some interesting things
about this whole episode, though.

Apparently, Taco Bell
really does print messages
like this on their taco sauce packets,
along with other ones like:

“Single Hot Sauce seeking friendship, maybe more”,

“Of all those sauce packets, why me, why now?”,

and

“It’s okay… you can say it.
I love you too.”

All of which would,
on their own, I guess,
also probably make somewhat
reasonable substitutes
for actually manning up
and spitting out a few
profound, feeling-based words
to your special somebody.

Another is that the
‘marriage proposal using btaco sauce packets’ scenario
actually happens a lot.

Look on Facebook or YouTube if ya don’t believe me.

Sure, it’s better than
putting a woman in a situation
where she’s faced with the
unenviable choice of
agreeing to marry a doofus
who’s so afraid of rejection
he needs a crowd’s moral support ,

—-or embarrassing herself
and him in front of
thousands of drunken fans.

But, both tactics seem lacking
in the degree of testicular fortitude
that making a marriage work is gonna require.

However,

I am thinking that the whole idea
of using hot sauce packages
would come in handy
for some other situations….

a

Aye Carumba —

Moy Caliente !!!!!!

.

HOY!

eat

Baby Talk

I have to admit,

I can find
other people’s kids
a bit annoying
at times ….

( i’m not talking
about little babies –
even though some
of the illustrations
on today’s post might
lead you to think
otherwise….
but nope.)

.. and maybe the
irritation I feel
about certain
kiddie winkies
is pretty normal for
someone who used
to travel as much
as I did.

The ones I have in mind
seem to try to get under
your skin whether they
know you or not .

.. and since they’re
somebody else’s problem,
you hesitate to administer
what would otherwise be
patently called for..

— the hearty whack on the
ass and a loud ‘stop doing
that’.

Basically, you have to
resort to call them a
‘little ratbag’ under
your breath and leave
it pretty much at that..

Although sometimes
I think the father
(when available/identified)
should be liable to pay the
consequences of the child’s
lack of discipline.

A good
‘how’s your father’,
or similar.

Ah,
sweet justice.

Not that I was an angel
when I was a kid –

No, far from that,
but my parents
had the situation
well and truly
handled when
I acted up
in public.

Man,
you ain’t jest
whistlin’ Dixie.

Faster than
a speeding bullet –
my father’s hand
would descend and
give me the painful
instant karma I was so
obviously begging for.

If you don’t learn it
when you’re a kid,
you’re not gonna wanna
learn it later, and
discipline is something
we all should understand,
for the whole society’s
sake.

But sometimes,
I guess, kids are ok.

And today, we have
postcards featuring
( a few ) adorable kids
(if it’s possible to put
those two words together
and not form some kinda
oxymoronic improbability) .

Oh wait…
my kids were adorable,
so it is possible.

I was not adorable.

So, thank heaven
there must be
nothing to that whole
genetics thing.

Assuming…

well, that’s probably
not gonna help me any.

!! HOY !!

.

The Friday Mailbag Post

Hi —

I’m so glad that
you’ve joined us
for another one
of those posts for
folks who love
surprises —

— when we reach our
hand way, way down
into the mailbag and
pull up heaven knows
what.

Awww-
it can’t be
that
bad,
can it ?

Actually, when we
say ‘bad’ around here,
we mean ‘good’….

and vice versa,
which kinda does
confuse things a bit,
I guess, now that I
think about it……

but worry not,
my dear reader,
for we sort it all
out in the end.

Remember –
‘linguistics’ is only
a couple letters away
from being ‘linguine’.

Whatever that means.

In the meantime,
we have several obscure
postcards that will delight
and astound you.

Or maybe just make
ya go ‘WTF?’,
I dunno.

It does make you
wonder, though —

— just why do we find
strange vintage stuff
so appealing ?

Does it touch a small part
inside of us that reminds
us of some-long-lost-
heritage-memory-bank?

Is it a learning experience ?

Scratching a sensory itch?

A way of connecting with
our ancestors?

Or are we just happy
to find out our great
grandparents were
just as loopy as we are ?

Hmmmm…..

yeah,
I thought so.

Ahem.

I’d like to thank our
friends and readers
for keeping the mail
bag well stocked with
goodies —

and I do
mean goodies.

If you’d like to submit
something ,
simply send a
reasonably
reasonable
sized image
to:
Carolinamuscle@
outlook.com!

Hey, with these
newfangled technologies
you don’t even have
to stand in line at the
post office to buy a
stamp – just click
‘send’.

Easy, peezy, man.

In the meantime,

I hope you enjoy this
week’s installment !

HOY !!!!
.

 

Musing With The Mail Bag

goofromYes,
the mailbag is back —
with another weekly
batch of mixed
miscellaneous
minutia and …
well,
ya know…
stuff like that.

Fridays seem a perfect day
for this kinda thing, for
some reason.

And the good thing a1
for me is that I don’t
have to work too hard
on coming up with
a complicated or tasteful
theme ….

(like that would ever
happen, anyway)  .

All I gotta do for content
is to reach down into that
mailbag and wait until
something bites me.

Errr–
I mean,
grabs me.

What this melted Mallo
Cup is doing in here,
who knows, but you get
the general idea, right?

I think we may be seeing
an unconscious pattern
developing as far as what
I’m pulling out for this
week’s episode, though.

It could be a total
coincidence, ya say?

Sure, man.

And of course,
I am completely
innocent of any malice
aforethought if it turns
out that way, though.

It’s simply my nature
to prefer things that
display my interests in life..

And my friends who keep 
the mailbag full of cool stuff
seem to like the same kinda
things too.

Call it kismet
if you want.

That’s the kind of draw
that I’d call a ’21’
anytime.

If I could only figure out
how to double down on it.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Respect Your Local Lima Bean

Yes, friends,
April is almost
upon us.

And you know
what that means.

Lima Bean Respect Day
on the 20th.

Again.

Jeeez—
wasn’t it
“Lima Bean Respect Day”
a couple months ago?

Ah well…
it really does only
come around once
a year, and you can
probably wait until
the last minute to
get ready for it,
(as you always do)
but consider what else
you’ll have to deal
with this month.

“National Tartan Day”
on the 6th means you’ll
have to get that old kilt
out of the closet and
aired out.

Awwww—
anybody seen my sporran?

That’s ok, though —
cause you’ll be just in time
for “National Beer Day”
on the 7th –
and you can get a free
Tennants Ale when you
wear it to the local pub.

Well, mine, anyway.

My dog Daisie is all
excited about “National Pet Day”
on the 11th– although she’s
already had her snack quota
for the month, in advance.

But, the day after that
is “Grilled Cheese Day”,
and as long as it’s Irish Cheddar,
she’ll be getting most of my
sandwich that day, I’ll bet.

Saturday, the 14th of April is
“Cake, Cookies and Cunnilingus”
day…. which sounds like a
natural combination to me.

Hey- I wouldn’t kid you about it-
and besides,
“National Tell A Lie Day”
is on the 4th.

Monday, the 16th, you can
look forward to
“Wear Pajamas To Work” day…
which, if I participated in,
would mean that the
next day would be
” First Day Outta Work” day.

Wow…
seems like a lot
going on in the first part
of the month, considering
that the last 10 days in April
include boring  stuff like
” Herbalist Day” ,
” Bicycle Day” and
“National High Five Day” –
although “National Talk Like
Shakespeare Day” is the 23rd,
which will be an excellent
opportunity to tell somebody
you don’t like that:
“A weasel hath
not such a deal
of spleen as you
are toss’d with.”

No worries —

they’ll probably be already
too worn out from the Lima
Bean Day festivities to retaliate.

That’s the theory, anyway.

!! HOY !!

Getting Into The Grind

Cheap as I am,
it took a while,
but I finally sprung
for one of those online
movie gadgets to get
stuff on Hulu, Netflix,
and such..

It had seemed to me that
paying almost 200 bucks
a month for cable would
scratch everybody in the
house’s TV itches,
but apparently not.

500 channels-
a mere drop in
the bucket, pal.

Technology marches on.
And so do the costs.
Great.

And, now there’s another
HDMI input and cable needed,
and all sorts of new sign-in
codes to remember.

But it has given me a chance
to catch up on a genre of
movies that I had been
meaning to watch
but hadn’t had the
opportunity.

They’re called
‘grind-house’ movies —
and while you’ve probably
seen some of the posters
for these kinds of movies
right here on the
Müscleheaded Blog,
the flicks they advertised
weren’t usually available,
until now with these
new-fangled independent
movie channels.

I like the ones
that promise
stuff in their titles or
advertising that
you know damn well
ain’t really gonna be
in them —
— especially those from
the 1930’s.

(Sure, I guess you could
say the same about us
around here ….. )

I’m sure you’ve heard of
‘pre-code’ movies —

— and that’s not really
what I mean …….

— more like ‘outside-code’ —

movies that weren’t made by
the studios that were part of
the MPPDA Hays Production
Code or shown at the studio
sanctioned/owned theatres.

Of course, the people
who made these movies
still had to be careful
what was shown because
of obscenity laws and such-
so while the subject matter
might have been taboo,
the content usually
was pretty tame.

One example I got to see
was a pretty good example of
what I mean —

— it was 1948’s
“Test Tube Babies”.

The posters suggest some
very racy content,
and indeed,
there were a couple pretty naughty scenes that were fun —

but generally, it was pretty
much 95% sizzle and hardly
any steak.

(reminds me of one of
them there fajitas at Chileez
or Applebuzz )

You might well ask why
someone would expect
some ribald scenes in
a movie about this
particular subject –

— but that’s how the
genre worked —
they had to have
some kind of ‘moral’
or redeeming social
purpose to hang on it –

in this case,
‘educating’ people
about artificial insemination.

I was actually a bit taken
aback to learn something
from it- that they had been
doing those kinds of things
in clinics for decades.

And I guess the history of it
got a little strange on the way,
but why should that surprise
anybody?

The film’s title is also a
bit misleading, of course,
in more than just one way –
– most folks would have
imagined an in-vitro
fertilization process
(in a petri dish or the like)
would be what was being
talked about, especially from
the whole mention of a ‘test-tube’,
but in actuality, when they did
finally get around to the baby
making, it was the old “squirt-
(from a syringe)-and-then-hope”
method.

A special mention to the
guy playing the doctor —
who had the bed
side manner
of soggy bacon,
— you can always see
more of his hammy acting
style in movies like
Ed Wood’s “Glen Or Glenda”,
and ” Jail Bait “.

As for rating it,
I’d give it a 2 1/2 stars
for the general grab assing
and the swing-party scene
circa 1948 – and about none
for anything else, really.

Which is exactly
what you’d
expect with one
of these flicks.

My advice is:

if you have some time
you’ll never want or
need to get back,
waste an hour
or so, see it,
and pick through
the wasteland.

Then, if you’re not
totally exasperated,
check out these
other ‘grindhouse’ films
whose posters are featured
on this episode of the
Muscleheaded Blog.

Hey-

fun is where
you find it,
ya know.

.

!!! HOY !!!