Toofer Tuesday

Somehow I think
it’s appropriate….

since my long
dreaded semi-annual
visit to my crusty,
trusty Dentist is
scheduled for today,
that we choose
a topic that
reveals just how
past generations
regarded the
profession
of the exodontist.

They didn’t
seem to like em.

Just sayin’.

Hey, don’t shoot
the messenger,
man.

It’s not that
he ain’t a
great guy
– he is –
and it ain’t like
his cute nurse
ever hesitates
to hold my hand
and make me feel
like I don’t really
hate everything
about what I’m
about to be going
through in that
damned glorified
barber’s chair….

And he’s never
objected, not
even once, to
my Ipod blaring
in both of my ears
in a vain attempt
to block out the
mental screaming
emanating from
the back of my
amygdala —
and my not so
silent, but very
desperate desire
to escape the
reality of the
moment.

The receptionist even
saves me a couple red
lollipops for when the
mostly imagined
agony is all over.

Really,
they’re all lovely
in that office.

It’s me with the
attitude problem
about it, and
I know that.

If I had spent
one hundredth
of the time
taking care of
my purleys when
I was a young man,
I wouldn’t be wasting
half my life in there,
now.

So, I gotta
just suck it up,
like one of those
noisy, invasive
devices the nurse
is always shoving
down into my
lower lip.

And now that
I think about it,
why does the
application of
the pain killer
hurt worse than
just having the
work done
cold turkey ???

( I imagine,
anyway…. )

Oh sure,
and
I don’t like the
look of those
needles he uses,
either.

All pointy
and stuff.

It conjures up
images of Doctor
Frankenstein —

He’s ALIVE !!!!!!

And why
should I have
to have an XRAY
every time?

I feel like my mouth
is going to be glowing
in the dark before
too long.

I have a sneaking
suspicion that the
X-Ray technician only
flirts with me so I
won’t make a fuss,
I must say.

Sure it works,
why wouldn’t it ?

I’m human.

Sorta.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

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Teach Your Bird To Squawk

I have good reason to
brag on a lovely
friend of mine,
Mrs. Fever

– for her 1000th
Post on WordPress
recently ! !

And also,
cause she sent
me a strange album cover
that set me off on a whole
other tangent than the
usual (but of course,
always fascinating)
“Weird Album Covers”
post.

Nope-
not today.

Hey, if you’re in
the mood for those,
you can follow this
link and it’ll fulfill
your utmost desire
( to whatever extreme
you wanna take it,
cause the links at
the bottom of each
post lead you further
and further into the
mad, mad labyrinth . )

ANyhoo…

The album cover
she sent me was
about teaching
your budgie to
repeat catch phrases
using different
celebrity imitations.

B-u-d-g-i-e.

No,
not the
Welsh band.

You know…..
Boids.

Parakeet.

Cockateel.

Canary.

Parrot.
(especially the
Norwegian Blue-
beautiful plumage. )

These birds are especially
astute at mimicking human
language, and the record
was to be used to train ’em
to do that without the
inconvenience of having
Rich Little come to your
house an hour each day
to take to your budgerigar.

It’ll teach em
to say things like:

Ahhh– yes, indeed
in a W.C. Fields voice ;

” Here’s looking at you, kid”
like Humphrey Bogart ;

” Howdy partner “ how
Gary Cooper woulda said it;

A “You dirty rat “ in a voice
similar to Jimmy Cagney’s…

And, what set of imitations
could be without a pseudo
Mae West’s:
“Come up and
see me sometime “.

What struck me, though,
was the similarity of the
bird record to a tape I
had in the late 70’s for
my telephone answering
machine in Florida.

That became so popular
with stray callers that I
had to take it offline –

’cause idiots would call
my number constantly
to play the voices for
their ‘friends’-

– if I answered,
they’d just
hang up
and
call back,
hoping for
the machine.

What a world.

It also tickled my
‘unlikely product’
funny bone —
what if more
contemporary
voices / quotes
were used to teach
the bird stuff ?

Just think about
walking into a
strange room
and having
a bird squawk
a Mike Tyson
imitation of
“I might fade
into Bolivian ”

at you,

Or
a Kanye West
sounding:
I actually
don’t
like thinking.”

Or
a Jessica Simpson
type drawl with
I’m not anorexic,
I’m from Texas “

Hmmm….

What about a
Whitney Houston
tonality with
“Crack is whack,
crack is whack. ”

Or A Mel Gibson imi of:
” What are you looking
at sugar-tits ? “

Speaking of tits….

Imagine the effect of a
Kendall Jenner like
voice with her fabulously
deep reflection of:
” I love my tits being out “
( well, what bird doesn’t?)

Or a
George W Bush voice
with any part of any of
his famous
‘speaking off the cuff
with brain off the hook’
moments, like :
” They
misunderestimated
me”.

(Don’t get me
started on
that Nixon Jr. guy
who’s POTUS now –
– it’s too easy. )

Think about little Polly
Parrot doing her best
Martha Stewart while
droning
” I want to focus
on my salad.”

Yet somehow,
all them
there quotes
seem to make
more sense
being uttered
by a bird,
rather than
the ‘real’
human beings
who first
spoke them.

Hey,
I think
I feel
a series
coming on.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

Innuendo and Intimations

Important
Announcement:

Our readers
have spoken.

In the rampage
row and riot
(ok, maybe that’s
a bit overstating
it, I’ll admit )

of response
and comments
regarding
our post
C*NSORSHIP

We have
definitely
determined
one thing.

What this
blog needs
is much
more :
double-entendres,
and
more :
suggestive,
nuanced,
salacious,
ribald,
titillating
( hmmm,
there’s something
about that word
that I really like
the sound of
)
content .

Ok, so maybe
that’s just my
interpretation,
ya know…..

But I’ve always
felt that a blogger
should always
write about
what they know —

– and what
they feel
down deep
( in their heart ).

And I can’t think
of any theme that
does my heart good
like this one does.

Just makes me feel
warm all over.

And it’s nice to
know that, despite
being a tiny minority
of peeples, our readers
mostly feel the same
way about it.

So,

(I know it’s a
pretty big step,
but here goes…. )

after extended
negotiations with
the mythical and
totally fictional
higher-ups here at
the also totally
fictional and even
more mythical
Muscleheaded
Industries…

I’ve decided to
add another formal
motto to our
Muscleheaded Blog
approved list of
official slogans.

Yes,
now,
in addition to
such important
and solemn
sayings as :

” Say No To Snow ”
( Number one three
years in a row…. )

” Stay Away From
The Snack Bar ”

(A moldy oldie
but a goodie… )

” Too Much
Ain’t Enough ”

( I think they made
a movie about that
one…. )

and ..
“Make Love
Not Cole Slaw”
(not really our best work)

We now proudly
add this one:

” If It Ain’t Got
A Zing, It Don’t
Do A Thing. “

Ok-
so maybe it doesn’t
have the emotional
impact and creative
genius of a
“Say No To Snow”

and maybe
we coulda
put more work
into the whole thing,
rather than just
ripping off a
Duke Ellington
song title from
the 1940’s….

Yeah,
ok, so
there’s that.

But we felt that
our other
potential choices,
like:
“Bring On The Nubiles”
(another song
title rip-off)
or
“Lick The Screen
If You Like It”
,
were still a little
off the mark as far
as our newly rejuvenated
approach to provocative
posts, like this one.

(There is something
weirdly appealing
about the idea of our
readers licking their
monitors, but we’ll
save that for another
day.)

So, the new slogan
stands, and hurray
for that.

Let’s just
run it up
the flagpole
and see who
salutes,
like I always say.

And remember,
friends:

” If It Ain’t Got A… ”

wait…

what was that
stupid thing again?

.

!!! HOY !!!

Friday Mail Bag

Hiya ,
and
thanks for
dropping
in on the
Muscleheaded Blog.

It’s a mixed
mail bag
today,
for sure.

Cool stuff,
weird stuff,
fringe stuff,
old stuff,
really old stuff,
and just stuff.

Most of it wasImage result for vintage postcard chicken
sent to us by
readers just like
you.

Hell, it coulda
been you for all
anybody knows.

We’ve been doing
a mailbag post for
about three years
now, and I think
there’s still goodies
that have been sent
in that we haven’t used
yet from the beginning.

Which goes to
show ya just how
much great stuff
has been sent in
over the years —
and please,
don’t stop.

A lotta times,
we’ll hold
on to something
because there
are plans –
– big plans –
to use the submission
in a themed post
rather than the
mail bag , but
we just haven’t got
around to it.

Busy ,
busy,
busy
around here, man,
that’s all I can
tell you.

It doesn’t
explain the
use of the
first person
plural pronoun
‘we’
when there’s
nobody else
here ‘xcept us
chickens.

Oh, and
you can
add the whole
poultry and ‘us’
reference to
the inexplicability
aspect as well.

I can promise you
that no chickens
were harmed in the
production of this
blog- although
again, once lunch
time comes around,
there’s no warranties
either expressed or
implied.

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Image result for vintage postcard chicken

Oh, Not One Of Those

ridjidIt’s Christmas
morning,
and it’s that
yearly
time of
reckoning —

–to see
if you figured
out how to gift your
special someone
with that special
something .

And somethin’
tells me
that some lady
of you
fucked it
completely up –
– again.

Please,
please –
– tell me you didn’t
fall into the holiday
ad trap.

Advertisers have a
knack for presenting
their products
at Christmastimesuck
that would lead a
man to the crackpot
conclusion that
buying her
something that
you ordinarily would
consider everyday
household equipment
is a great idea
for a holiday present.

And such bad ideassilverware
on what to
get her have been
featured in advertising
for decades ……

… and you ain’t learned
YET ?

Man, –
whatever else
you do –
don’t listen to the ads.

Woe to you,
my friend,stuff
if you have been
wooed by the siren
songs of :

“happier households
with a Hoover” —

“crock pots
make her hot” ,

“silverware for
your sweetie”,

or even a
“mixer for
your mistress”.

‘Cause that vacuum cleanerhoover
you gift her for Christmas
2018 will be the only thing
that’s going to get any
sucking action in 2019.

You will have violated
the unspoken rule :

— been
hornswoggled,
hoaxed,
and hoodwinked,

— you will have
tread upon
the devil himself’s
threshing floor,

— and dared
the angels
to reap righteous
vengeance
upon the
other male
members of
your previously
happy home.

Yes,
I pity the fool.

Remember,
for next year —
Rule Number 7
Section 4,
Subsection G
in the Man’s
Handbook :

“When in doubt,
buy her
booze,
jewelry,
or lingerie.”blacklabel

And gifting
her all three
will almost
guarantee a
very kicky
holiday
weekend,
indeed.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

.

fredericks

 

Friday Mailbag

Hey-
insert your
dime and
see what
happens.

Well,
alright,
so I have
no idea what
would happen…

The chicken
inside would
probably get
some seed, and
you’d get a
clucking postcard,
that’s my guess.

Sorry to
egg you
on there.

I know I
probably
came across
a bit
hard-boiled.

I was
just yolking.

Ok,
so NO –
this is not
a post
about corny
cock-a-doodle
puns .

It’s actually a
Friday Mailbag
Post.

It’s hard not to
notice how much
the Holidays
dominate
everything
this time of
year —

— hey,
even the
Mailbag is
not immune
to it’s influence.

Still, I think
we can manage
to mix it up to
a point where
it’s not going
to end up
as just another
Christmas
themed post.

And really,
you should be
thanking your
lucky stars that
we didn’t go on
with the rather
egg-selent
puns we were
coming up with.

!! HOY !!