Shut Thy Pie Hole

Folks can really get
on your nerves

Ever spent any time
with a person who for
whatever reason will
not stop talking —
no matter what you do
to discourage them?

You can walk away
from em — they’re
still talking.

You come back,
they’re still talking .

Or they just follow you.

You interrupt them,
you change the subject,
you start scratching your ass –

– it doesn’t matter —

they just drone on and on
about whatever they were
originally blathering about.

I wear earphones in the gym,
and I’m constantly pulling
them out of my ear to hear
the latest gossip about
next week’s weather or
how many dates it’s going
to take to get into a certain
gym bunny’s yoga pants.

Man, I don’t care —
– leave me alone and
lemme get my work out.

But noooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooo .

So, I took to putting duct
tape over my earphones –
– ya know, to make it obvious
I was listening to something
more interesting than
people talking –
– but it’s just a waste of tape
most of the time.

People talk right over
the tape….
and of course,
since I can’t hear em, and
they might actually be trying
to tell me something
constructive like:
“your ass is on fire” ,
I need to find out what
they’re talking about-
so off the tape comes, and
it’s never anything that
compensates for that 2 cents
worth of tape I just wasted.

and Phooey.

I’m going to start
carrying around
a coupla these postcards…
and handing em out
when appropriate.

Too subtle?

Yeah, probably.

!!! HOY !!!


Tributes to Venus

here we go again….

— into the land of
obscure comic books.

Today’s subject?

You’ve heard of
Venus, right?

Long after she made
the myth parade in
ancient Rome and got
a planet named after her –

– she got the ultimate tribute –

– no,
not a tribute
in the Urban Dictionary
sort of way —

tsk, tsk, tsk….

I mean, that she
got her own
comic book.


Now, maybe that
doesn’t impress you
the way the other kind
would, I dunno….

but anyhoo,
from 1948 until 1951,
her Marvel comic told
the story of how she had
gotten tired of ruling her
own planet
( guess which one )
and came to Earth
to inspire good works,
truth, justice,
and the American way.

Oh yeah, and she was
apparently pretty hot, too.

There seemed to be some
indecision on the part of
the artists at Marvel
whether they wanted to
draw a comic about the
adventures of a beautiful
girl out and about in
post-war America or
whether they wanted to
make her a superhero –

– so, they kinda faked it —

which makes the
whole thing
rather difficult
to explain.

And after a while, the readers
gave up trying to figure it out,
too –

— and so she became a
running character, showing
up in various other Marvel
comics in the 1950’s, and
eventually fazed out.

That is, until she was
reincarnated, in the 1970’s,
with the same basic identity
but a whole new look, and a
relationship with the
super-hero Submariner.

The plots, as you can probably
tell were still as convoluted
as ever.

But, hey-
it doesn’t have
to make sense —

— it’s only comics, right ?

!!! HOY !!!

Flosculating Will Make You Go Blind

Hello fellow

Welcome to another
Muscleheaded post
about archaic English
words that you can add
to your daily
vocabulary to confuse
your friends and
confound your enemies.

And never mind what
it’ll do to your Aunt

remember when
you had
a crush on that cute
girl who was stuck
sitting next to you
in the pew every Friday
Mass at school ?

How you used to make
snide remarks about her
habit of ” cachinnating “,
(laughing loudly ) even
though you really thought
she was an angel?

Well, that feigned
dislike is called
accismus ” —

and while it is a
pretty stupid way to
get her attention,
and didn’t work
worth a hot damn,
other than to get her to
peenge ” (whine) to
the very ” sermonolatric
(preachy) Father Flannigan,
who grabbed his “ ballow
(stick) and whooped you
within an inch of
your ” contumelious
(disrespectful) little life
until your legs were
(wobbling) like 
crazy as penance for
your ” fallaciloquence “.

Awww well..
as it turned out,
she was ” fizgigging
(flirting) with the
exiguous” ” poltroon
(skinny wimp) down the
street anyway.

I’m sorry to ” flosculate “,
but that’s how
it went down.

As for our postcards
today, these are more
fine examples of the work
of turn of the century
illustrator Albert Peter

I know they don’t really
have anything to do with
today’s text,
—- but I like em.

I hope you do too.

HOY !!


Nobody Can Stop It

There’s no defense
against it.

Your mama
can’t stop it.

Your daddy
can’t stop it.

The polic….


No, I’m not gonna
take off my pants….

— that’s not it at all.

Randy can do that if
he wants….

— as long as
I’m not around.

I don’t need that image
in my head,
thanks anyway.

Nope –

What you can’t hope
to stop is the weekly opening
of the Muscleheaded Blog
notorious and enigmatic

Trust me,
your trepidations
are completely unfounded,
my friend.

to my knowledge,
nobody has ever died
from anything that everImage result for flapper humor postcard
crawled or was drawn out
of there……
… yet.

And we really can’t afford
to lose any more readers,

what we tried to bring you
today was stuff with a
‘flapper’ theme —
a kinda 1920’s,
1930’s kinda thing.

! YAY ! 

Ok, so I appreciate
the enthusiasm and all..

But don’t rush out and
get your hair bobbed
for the occasion,
or anything drastic…… 

Cause if there’s one thing
ole Muscleheaded loves
more than flappers,
it’s long, luxurious hair.

Sure, I know,
the 60’s. 

My advice is for you to
just set back in that
comfy chair and
go with it, man.

Everything’ll come up fine.

!!! HOY !!!


Oh, So Dirty

Awhile back,
my friend R
gave me
an idea for a
dirty ditty ….

I wrote one,
not a great one,
but here it is,


My little playful puppy
was out digging
in the garden
I said
No, no
no, no
Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now you’re gonna
have to get a bathpuppy

My little darling daughter
was out digging
in the garden
I said
Oh, oh ,
oh, oh

Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now you’re gonna
have to get a bath

My little sultry sweetie
was out diggingwitchcraft
in the garden
I said
Yes, yes,
yes, yes

Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now we’re gonna
have to get a bath

And I’m so grateful.


!!!! HOY !!!!!

She’s A Teaser

jSomething that
I’m reminded of,
on an almost
daily basis,
is how much
our social structure
has been transformed
in the last 50 some years.

I’m not saying
that it’s bad,
or that it’s good —

to me,
for the most part, anyway– a
— it’s just been weird.

And you know me,
change is something
that I never really
like all that much.

Take flirting,
for instance.

The rules seem to have
been altered wildly
without me ever
even getting
the first memo.

Here I thought that
there was this long process
of talking, courting and datingb
before you even thought
about touching a woman
that way ‘ —

— when all that is
apparently required
is a first class seat
on an aircraft,
a bad comb-over,
and ooodles
and oodles of money.

In that case,
all a lady
has to do is plunk down
in the seat next to you,
smile —

— and it’s all you can eat ?? c

Nuts, man.

What a creep.

Be that as it may…..

At the annual
collector’s swap-meet,
I was browsing a 1952 issue
of a magazine called
“The Girlfriend and The Boyfriend“…..

Sure, a strange title for
a magazine, but who am
I to argue with media moguls?


According to the expert
who wrote the article….

( I dunno,
is relationship-ologist
a word, or what?
I just made it up,
so maybe not. )

“High on every boy’s
list of pet peeves

is the type of girl
shown on these

and the next two pages.
Because she is a teaser.

Almost all girls that
are pretty flirt a little.

It’s the natural thing to do.
But a girl who is a teasere
is not content with simple,
wholesome flirting;
she goes out of her
way to bait boys

with an obvious display
of her physical charms

— baits them with
unspoken promises

that she hasn’t the
slightest intention of fulfilling.

In addition to her other
unflattering qualities,

therefore, a teaser is dishonest.
She has no real sincere
interest in the boys

whose attention she f
sets out to capture;

she is simply playing
a game in which

she holds all of the
cards and doesn’t

mind resorting to
the cheapest of tricks.

A few of these tricks
are illustrated here.

Sometimes they work,
sometimes they don’t.

But whether they are
successful or not,

a teaser never wins in the long run.
For no boy wants to
marry a girl

who enjoys showing off
her charms to others.”

Now, pardon me for interrupting
an obvious expert on stuff like this,
but it seems to me that teasing
is the very essence of flirting —

— and without flirting, g
— well—
life would be pretty fuckin dull,
…. let’s just put it that way.

The noble art of teasing
has been around for centuries —
and has got absolutely nothing
to do with honesty or
any other such millarkey.

I love to be teased,
and any man worth
his salt would say h
the same thing.

If the hook sinks a bit
too deep once in a while,
I dunno what to tell you,
but hey–
grow up, man.


!!!!!!!  HOY !!!!!!!!!



One Bad Habit After Another

It seems that there
are folks who believe
that it’d be just
wonderful if all
the ‘bad habits‘ of
the world could
be just bundled up
and burned at a
huge bonfire……

They might even
throw in some of
the books and art
they don’t like while
they’re at the whole
cleanin’ up the
world thing.

But, hey…..

I don’t have
against vice.

I don’t ask for a
perfect world–

Not only because a little
imperfection here and
there really does make
the world an
interesting place, and
people in general much
more interesting, too —

( nose pickin and public
ass scratchin not included,
of course )

mainly because what
one guy might think is
a ‘vice’ might be just
my cup of mocha java.

And ain’t nobody big
and bad enough to
wrassle away my
precious morning
coffee mug from
me, I promise.

Rock and roll
a ‘bad influence’ ?


Dancing is a
moral crime
to some folks.

(it is a sin-
but only
when I do it)

And believe it or not,
some people consider
pin up art a vice .

( Check the complaints
in my email if you don’t
believe me )

Is fatty food like bacon
and barbecued pork butt
a vice?

( Hey- don’t forget the
hush-puppies, man ! )

Sure, there’s folks
that think that.

And they’re happy
to tell you all about
it, too.

Crazy talk, I say.

Which tells you
that there’s no
for taste,
or the lack thereof.

And more importantly,
just how silly the whole
thing can get.

That said,
vice is one of
them there things
that a person has
to handle with
extreme delicacy and
moderation —

A little taste of bourbon
might sweeten what was
a very long, hard day –

– but a whole bottle at one
sitting will probably just
make you an obnoxious

And nobody wants that.

Cause we got plenty
of those already.

It seems like those
‘anti-vice’ folks have
quite a number of ’em,