Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

No,
not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
V
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
anyway,bang
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.

:::

Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Signed,
Careful With Money.

.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,carwreck

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Signed,
Prince Lovesick.

.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)
 

.

.

Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.
deepthroat

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.

.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
weird
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

Signed,
A Plagiarist in Love.
.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

Dumbass.
PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)
  

.

Happy V-Day !

————————————————————
arough

 

Advertisements

My Crazy Heart

1coIn the late 1960’s
songwriter J.D. Souther
penned the lyrics to a song
that I have always related to–

It was called “The Fast One“,

— although I remember
it best as:
“My Crazy Heart”

For some reason,

I’ve always thought of it
as my personal Valentines
Day Theme song —

and,

1amwith V.D. only a couple drips …
eerrr….

I mean….
… only a day away,

I figured
let’s post the lyrics ! ”

Well,
why not,
I ask you ?????

Ok, so,
I’ve added some very,
very cool vintage Valentines
to the mix, too —

I’m figuring these are all pre-1960,
— and some are much older.
1hammer
Actually,

several of the great cards on today’s post were brought to you by:
Jen at Blog It or Lose It

your first stop shop
for all things poetic.

1lawAlso a honorable mention
to my old friend R for
demanding more cards,

— and thus prompting
this somewhat impromptu
post in the first place.

And my friend SC had
also dropped a few of
these in my inbox, too —

but she likes to keep
a low profile, so, ’nuff said.

Alrighty, then —

— music, maestro.

“The Fast One”
words and music by J.D Souther.

a2You don’t know how I feel
You don’t seem to care
If I let you see it through my eyes
You wouldn’t see anyone there

It’s no wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder that I’m blue
My crazy heart was gone and let somebody know
When it’s time for me to go

Tired of being lonely
a3Tired of what you do to me
Hear it raining in my heart

Well I’ve been lonely before
But I’ve been so long without sunlight
I can’t take another day more

No wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder I been blue
My crazy heart can’t tell me why

I can’t tell you goodbye
Oh no, I’m tired of all this tragedy
I’m giving you back your misery

a4You better put on a fast one
I think I’m gonna pull through
You better play another fast one
No matter what you do

Put your money in a fast one
I don’t wanna hear the blues
Put on another fast one
Trying to forget about you

Well it ain’t no wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder I been blue
a6My crazy heart can’t tell me why

I can’t tell you goodbye
Darling I’m tired of being lonely
Tired of what you put me through

Now you better put on a fast one
If you want me to pull through
You better play another fast one
No matter what you do

Put your money in a fast one
I don’t wanna hear the blues
Put on another fast one
Trying to forget about you

.

1satisfyNow,
just in case you don’t recognize those lyrics,

Linda Ronstadt’s terrific version of the song is below.

On a more personal note,

1waI hope all my friends up in the Northeast U.S. are doing fine,

— staying warm and indoors.

It’s been cold here in the South,

but nothing like those guys up there and out west have been dealing with.

Just remember we’re thinking about y’all.

Hoy!

a8

.
.

.

The Friday Grab Bag

Hey,
mail bag,
grab bag.

Call it what you
want,
— it’s Friday.

So, for today’s deal,
I grabbed a bunch of
Albert Peter Carmichael
posties from around 1910.

He was a pretty famous
syndicated cartoonist in
the first part of the 20th century,
and very popular with postcard
publishers.

If you ain’t a newbie
round here, you’ve
probably already
seen a lot of his work here
on the Muscleheaded Blog.

Our batch today-
(the series is called “IF”)
have a funny vibe
that seem both
completely out of date
and current at the
same time.

I dunno…..

I can definitely see
myself sending a
couple of these —

Cause love can be a
minefield ya know.

Ahh.

But what would life
be without it?

You might get the impression
from some of these cards that
the girls back then could be
rather difficult at times.

Ahem.

Well,
Carmichael’s characters
never lack for pathos,
and that’s for sure.

And when all else fails,
there’s always beer.

!!! HOY !!!!

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

Friday Mail Bag

No matter hep you are
to the lingo back then,
it’s hard to say what
some of this early
1900’s stuff even means,
ya know ?

Although,
handing over
your pay envelope,

in one way or another,

– we all do
pretty much
every week.

And of course,
‘peace at any price’ also
has implications that run
deep through history ,
and at the turn of the
century, maybe
even more so.

There was a very strong
movement in the
United States
at the time to keep
out of hostilities overseas
about the time these
were printed —

— it seemed to many
that the problems of Europe
had very little to do with
the average American’s
everyday life, and have
should remained so.

But as we’ve learned,
and to quote Eve Curie:

” We’ve discovered that 
peace at any price is no 
price at all. ” 

I wonder if the same can
be said of domestic affairs.

I think the artists of these
vintage cards are aiming to
find out .

!!! HOY !!!

Football And Spooning

I know that around
the New Year, a lotta
folks turn their attention
to the noble sport of
FOOTBALL.

Of course, most folks
overseas don’t think
of the same thing
when they think of
football.

Actually,
we call THAT
game soccer.

Yawn.

I say, if you don’t need
a mouth guard, helmet
and pads, you ain’t hitting
and being hit hard enough
for it to be real football.

But my European, Asian
and South American friends
do go just as ape-shit for
their game as we do ours.

So be it, man.

Our American football
has a long and storied
history –

especially College Football.

Although I am not
exactly what you’d
call a team-sports
fanatic, I do still fly the
blue and gold when
Notre Dame is playing
in a big bowl game,
and I ain’t ashamed
of that, one damn bit.

I used to be a Miami
Hurricanes fan, too,
until I just couldn’t
stand any more
showboating, baiting, and
unsportsmanlike conduct —

sure, the green’s a bit
different, but I liked it
cause they were the local
college team for me
as a teenager.

But, Sebastian’s flying
a bit low these days,
if you ask me.

Still, football has been
very, very good to me.

Ok, so that’s not the
right reference, is it?

Well, in a way it is —
my buddy Big Mike
saw my blog on
baseball and spooning,
and realized that he had
some football ones just
like that.

And voila.

A post about vintage
football-spooning cards.

Life’s good.

I have looked
high and low
for the rest of the set,
if there is any ‘rest’,
( I dunno )
and I haven’t
come up with em-

but if you have one
or more,
I’d love to get
my greedy eyeballs
on em –

— if you can manage
to email me
a piccie or two.

But either way,
we got some cool
ones today
to share.

I hope you
enjoy em.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

 

 

 

She’s Good With Tools

Collections can be
a wonderful thing…

Even when
they run you
out of house
and garage
for storage space.

It’s one of those
weird manias
that never really
goes away —

— in the back
of your head,
you’ve always
got that
collectible that
might just
complete things,

and make you
feel like you’re
all done
searchin’
and collectin’ –

but
naaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaah —

— it’ll never happen.

I saw a nice card in
this set the other day –

and knowing I had
several of them already-

I spent the rest
of the semi-annual
card and stamp show
looking for the ones
I still didn’t have.

As luck
would have it-

no,

I didn’t find them.

Although some very
nice pin-up style
Mutoscope cards
also made my
acquaintance…..

So,
anyhoo:

I filled in today’s set
with ones from online.

That inter-webs thing
can really be magic
(occasionally) .

The set dates
from the
very early 1900’s –
(1910)

— when female carpenters
were about as rare as
talking ducks without
speech impediments.

I dunno–
you just might want
to give that one
a minute.

Yep…
Another sixty seconds
you’ll never get back.

Ahem.

As I was sayin –

They show various
trades-hotties getting
busy with their tools.

I love a little glimpse
of stocking when I’m
in the workshop,

— who doesn’t?

And where would we be-
-I ask you –
without the cute-sie pie
flirtatious captions
to go with them ?

I love a good pun,
anyway.

They’re pure vintage,
pure harmless fun
from another age.

Despite having the
fore-knowledge that
I’m going to get raving
emails about how
women plumbers,
mechanics, tanners,
tailors, coopers, and
machinists are getting a
raw deal by being portrayed
in such a ham-handed
sexist, misogynist
manner –

— even if the cards are
over a hundred years old.

To which,
I will give the
fore-answer as :

Bullshit.

Now, it’s a big set,
and,
since it’s Christmas,
I didn’t want to be a
Grinch about it and
cut them into two or
three posts, cause I
especially hate that
when people do
that with gifts.

Consequently,
the jibber-jabber
that usually represents
the ‘blog’ part of the
picture-blog concept
is a bit more jibbery
and jabbery on today’s
post than is standard,
and the reader may
well take comfort in the
fact that the writer’s
fucking hand is about
to fall off from all this
spurious word typing,
I can tell you.

Some day I’m really
going to have to learn
to type with more than
one finger, man.

Let me assure you
that,
just as soon —

I mean
at the very moment,
that each and every
one of these
wonderful pics
are safely ensconced
in the required
accompanying
puerile blurbage
that qualifies it as a
proper Muscleheaded
blog post,

you will be the first to
be spared any further
mindless tomfoolery.

Because
we take our
responsibi..

! HOY !
.