Geee Whizz

hwNote:
Please don’t wet yourself,
but there’s probably a coupla objectionable words in today’s extravaganza , so if you’re the sensitive kind, better consult your guru first before reading. 

It’s one of those sayings that we’ve probably heard all our life…

And really,
never knew
where it originally came from.

Or even,
what it really means.

It’s the uniquely
American expression
” Gee Whiz ” —

and it’s actually been
around a lot longer
than you might think.

The first applicationmar57
of it I could find
dates way on
back to the 1880’s,
in the Warren (PA) Ledger:

” When younger days
have flown

And we are older grown,
We sit and muse – –
We’ve got the blues.

Morning and night
we fret,

And, cold or dry or wet.
In petulance pout – –1957
We’ve got the gout.

We have accomplished
naught,

Our fight was poorly
fought – –

Gee whiz ,
The rheumatiz. “

As you can see,
it’s a little ditty about aging.

Jeeez-
who’d a thunk that, huh?

It’s so fun to be getting older–
who could possibly
wanna complain about THAT?

Which reminds me….

Both ‘Gee Whiz’ and ‘Jeez’
( which dates back further )
are what linguists would
call ‘minced oaths’
and euphemistic abbreviations
of the name of Jesus Christ.

(‘Gee Whiz’ –
‘Jesus’s Wisdom’)

Minced Oats —g1

no, wait,

you might be saying…
I had that for breakfast…..

Nope —
this got nothing
at all to do with
Quakers in funny hats
selling mushy cereal, man.

Minced Oaths –
are little turns
of language
you might use as tricky
little substitutionsg3
for saying stuff
that would be
otherwise considered
profane,
blasphemous,
offensive,
or just plain
obnoxious otherwise.

For instance,
your stupid
brother in law
might have
un-jacked a
four-ton truck down
on your toe,g2
and you want
to express
your mild displeasure
about it —

And instead of saying:
” WHAT THE F@CK
YOU G@DD@MN S@NOFAB@TCH
D@MN C@CKS
@CKING B@STARD ?? ”

You might say:
” Pardon me,
you gosh-darn
summina-batch
darn cork-screwinggallon
bust-a-nut,
you seem to have
dropped something.”

To which he may reply:  
” Fup off, ya grasshole,

Or,

“This lift jack is
such a clustermug,
you mothersmucker “

See?

Much better, huh?

Ok–
so maybe it ain’t.

I never really saw the
point of dancing around,
when it comes time
for a real cussing-out party.

When they edited one
of my favorite movies
” Repo Man ” for TV,
they actually used the
most badly constructed
minced oath I’ve ever
heard to dub over a line:

“Flip you, melon farmer!”engineer

Ummmmm…..
not quite the same thing
as the original, I would say.

Or in
“The Big Lebowski”s
TV release—

“This is what happens
when you find
a stranger in the Alps”

—— was used in place of :

“This is what happens
when you fuckgws
a stranger in the ass”

Dumbarts Fargin’
Media Bastiches.

See…..

Sometimes,
there’s really no
good substitute
for a well placed
obscenity.

But polite society
doesn’t cotton to it,
not at all.

And thus,
we’ve got these
little pieces of shorthand
to help out.

Interesting.

I don’t know too many
people who use the
expression ” Gadzooks ” —
but that there is actually a
classic piece of blasphemous
minced-oathing from
way, way back.

(the 1600’s)

It’s short for
“God’s Hooks” —
and refers to the nails
in the Christian cross.

Actually,
you might surprised
how many of these
have snuck into the
language over
the century.

For instance,
I got knocked up-side
the head by a Jesuit priest
for using this one
in parochial school —

EGAD“.

Hell,
I have no idea how
I was using THAT
in a sentence —

and knowing me
at that age,
I was just trying to
get a reaction, anyway,

………. but boy,
did I get one.

And a lecture on
how that’s just
another way
of using the
Lord’s name in vain.

There’s also:

Golly By Jove
Gosh
Goldarnit
John J Kripes
etc, etc, etc.

And if you open
the concept
of a cussing jar
(you put a quarter
in everytime you cuss )
all up to the huge
variety of different
minced oaths
you could use,cussjar

well….

You could make
a friggin’ mint.

And yes,
I do have my favorites….

Like:

Fargin’ Icehole ”
and
” Why don’t you ram it up
your pim-hole, you
fusking cloff prunker.”

Hey–
— AM I RICH YET ?????

!!! HOY !!!!

.

PS: Yes, this is a real Vargas work,
one of his last, featuring actress
Bernadette Peters, and used
on her album cover of the same name.

“Gee Whiz” was one of the
songs featured on the LP.

And not a bad album, actually.

Cheers !!!!
.

Beer Battles

worthyPart of being a
resident smart ass
is having stuff fly
back at you when
you least expect it, man.

Sorry,
but it’s true.

I’m sitting in a tavern,
here in the lovely
Queen City of the South,
trying several kinds of ales
that had just been introduced.

So…….

One of the things
I like to do
with my friendssurply
sometimes is
a balls to the wall
kinda comparison
of different styles
of beers and ales…….

so I’ve got four lined up
right there in front of me
on the bar .

Take a sip outta one —

mmmm– a little bitter,
but nice carbonation.

Take a sip outta another —

ok– way too sharpbuttface
and nutty for my palate.

Take a wank
at the third —
and it tastes like
somebody’s gym socks.

And I say so.

Suddenly, a big hand
reaches out right in front
of me —
kill
and just swipes
the third glass,
the one I just took
a drink out of.

“Well, if you don’t like it,
— I’ll drink it”,

says the culprit …

( forthwith to be referred to
as the ‘beer swiper’ )

It seems to me
that this
should somehow
qualify as an
automaticbulltesticle
ass-whipping offense….

but I did have
three more glasses
in front of me,
so I let it go.

Except that he came
back for another one.

“Any others you
don’t want?”
he says.ay

Yeah.
Well,
You know the rest.

So anyhoo….

Thanks to everybody
who asked how I was doing….

I’m just about back
to my old obnoxious self.

Yep.leghumper

But beer is something important –
— something worth fighting for —
— and don’t you
ever doubt that.

Hey-
I wouldn’t kid you.

And to prove it,
there’s a place
in Bruxelles, Belgium
called the
‘Delerium Tremens Bar’-

— across from the Jeanneke Pis fountain–
( ….. just look for the pink elephant )
that carries over 2300 different types.

2300 !!!!!

Now,
that’s a lotta brewski.poly

And, if you end
up going in there,
you really won’t even have
to know exactly what
brands you want to try.

Just tell the bartender
what flavors you like,
and she’ll find you one
that’s just right.

Or more than one.

They’re very friendly in there,
and speak better English1a
than Yer Ole Uncle Nuts.

So they’ll accommodate you.

And I promise,
you really will be amazed
at the selection, man.

Even if you’re one of
them there freaky weirdoes
who likes Brussels Sprouts.

Yep–
Brussels Sprouts Ale .

ACK.

:-O bananabread

But if you’re looking
to avoid possibly turning
bright green
after just one sip of this
questionable concoction……….

Well, how about
a nice fruit flavor ?
– I dunno –
– maybe like LEMON ?

There is a Lambic made
by the Belgian Brewery De Troch
called “Chapeau Lemon Lambic”
which I absolutely adore.

Lambic is a sour style of beer
that is spontaneously fermentedchili
and flavored by fruits that
compliment it’s natural tartness.

That means you’ll find Lambics
flavored by raspberries, oranges,
black currants, strawberries,
as well as apples, plums, et al.

Of course I won’t leave off
another of my favorites,
— sour cherries.

This style is called Kriek,
and is something
you must try if you can.sheep

Any good size beer distributor
should carry a version of it.

Put it in a cooler
and take some on a picnic.

Be sure you’re not driving ,
though.

The stuff will sneak up on you
like some kinda Beer Swiper
from outer space.

.

HOY !!!!!

.

a1

The Pecking Order

I don’t have anything
against chickens,
I really don’t.

Bad eyesight is
a big pain
in the ass,
whether you’re
a people or
a poultry.

Sure, I know
it doesn’t
matter too much,
when it comes to
down to the Colonel’s bucket…….

But I’d still like to know
that they’ve got 20/20 vision
while they’re scoping out
each other in the barnyard.

Unfortunately, that’s not
what this next vintage
invention is really about.

Yes, they are
‘chicken eye-glasses’.

Apparently,
chickens can be
mean little fuckers —

And one way the
‘pecking order’ in a
group is established
is by them pecking
each other’s eyes out.

Ouch.

A big problem, really.

So, anyhoo —

These little rose colored
eyeglasses were invented
to prevent that.

And the only reason
I know that, is
because I came
across a pair of
them in a Kentucky
antique store, and
laughed at the guy
when he told me
what they were.

But, as funny
as it sounds,
they did work –
and are still in
use around the
world for that purpose.

Damn,
this place is
downright weird, ain’t it?

The Accordion Is For You

Hey man,
I don’t know
if you’ve gotten
the word or not,
but:
Accordions are IN !

Like,
you know —

far out
and groovy.

Just ask the cool ghouls
who rule in school.

I don’t care
what you
might have heard
about those
new fangled
electric guitars,
fretless basses,
and fancy organs
with different
instrument sounds
built right in —

If you really
wanna be
part of the
‘in’ crowd,
the accordion
is for you.

Jimi who ?
Eric what?

Forget all that
cultural hysteria
claptrap man.

You wanna be
ultra cool
like this guy.

(No creepy
mustache required)

And because
the accordion
is so cool,

– and, of course,
in such high
demand…

… well,
they’re having
a big, big, big
sale on them.

Easy terms –
5 day free trial.

Look how easy it is —

Hey, she’s lugging
one that’s half as
big as her, and
she’s still smiling.

A coupla keys,
a coupla buttons,
a coupla squeezes,
and you’re fuckin’
Lawrence Welk.

And we all know
how cool he was.

Wunnerful,
Wunnerful.

.

PS:
if you’re really into the accordion,
you know we’re just messin’ with ya, right?
Check out my buddy GoodStuff’s
post on the squeezebox.

HOY !!!

.

It’s All In The Wrist

ouijaIt’s magic,
yep.

That old black magic
has me in it’s spell…

That old black magic
that you weave so well
…. “

An old friend of mine
told me last weekou
that she had started
an interesting new collection

———— of old “Spirit Boards”.

Oooooooooooooooo,
spooky, man.

I laughed —

Hey, if you’ve seen
one Ouija board,aq
you’ve seen ’em all, right?

Uh…. no.

I went over to see
her burgeoning collection
the other day,
and I was frankly
pretty surprised
at both the style variety,
and the number of
different brands
that have been sold
over the years,
since the craze started
around the turn
of the last century.

I mean, it’s human nature,
I guess —

– to be a do-it-yourself oracle-
and be able to
prognosticate the future
using easily obtainable items…yogee

( hell,
$1.98 does seem
affordable enough )

You know:

You could ask
the questions
with no answers —

Does she really like me,
or is she just using me
to get NBA tickets?

Or

Just how many times a week
does she fake her orgasms?s1wami

.

You could learn the unknowable —

Why is lemon juice
made with artificial crap,

and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Or

If the professor on
Gilligan’s Island

could make a radio out of coconuts,
why can’t he fix a
simple hole in a boat?

.

You could solve great historical enigmas like:seance

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither Holy nor Roman?

Or

Who first thought of putting Braille on ATM drive-up machines?

.

You could obtain inside, secrety, secret information —azo

Like that hottie from down the streets’ name,
and phone number
and email address ..

Or

Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same stuff
those indestructible black boxes are made out of?

.hasko

And you could commune with the mysteries of the spirit world and ask —

What does a hot girl-ghost
like Wendy

see in a wimp
like Casper, anyway?

Orsphinx

Aren’t all cheap Motels really just
badly disguised gateways into the nether regions?
Or is it just their bathrooms ?

.

Hell, if these ‘talking boards’ really did work,
it’d be better than owning a pair of X-Ray specks.

So, it should be no surprise
that big business would find ways of cashing in on it.rajah

And boy howdy, did they.

There were more than 100 different varieties
on the theme manufactured
(under various brand names)
between the time the first commercially produced one in 1891
and their peak of popularity in the 1970’s.

That 1891 model was the original “Ouija” board, magic
based on the design used in Spiritualist communities
across the Midwest at the time —

The name “Ouija” is supposedly an
Ancient Egyptian word meaning “good luck”,
but that’s hogwash —

More likely,
it was an amalgam of the words
‘Oui’ and ‘Ja’ –
“Yes” in the French and German languages respectively.a2

And while the boards are rather fun to look at,
the real whiz-bang is in what’s called the “planchette” —

— based on a tool from a thousand year old
Chinese idea of ‘automatic writing’.

This is the item that moves across the surface
of the talking board like magic.

All you gotta do is get a couple of friends

(they don’t really have to be friends)
a4
and hold on-

( – tight –
— tighter….
….. yeah, that’s it.
now,
a little more to the left…. )

and
the spirits will do the rest.

Well,
that’s what they say,
anyway.

HOY !!!!!

.

s1

 

a1979

You Don’t Want To Be A Doormat

dorI had to drop in
on a sick friend
today at her home
in the local palatial
trailer park.

She’s been outta sorts
and all with the flu,

…and has been in
need of some normal,
healthy human contact.

( and since nobody normal
and healthy was available,
I went instead. )

I was wearing my N-95
mask respirator when
she opened the door.cigarettes and repirators

I don’t think she thought
it was all that
funny, though.

But, no worries–

— I think the lump
on my head should
heal in a coupla days.

I brought her some
Vicks Vapor Rub,
…. hoping she’d want
help rubbing it on —
— ( she didn’t ) —

and, also :

some of my Mom’s
world famous,chcikeny
award winning,
special recipe
chicken noodle soup
.

It’s available at
any grocery store,
…… just look for the
red and white label,

M’m! M’m!

Chickeny.

Anyhoo–encore toi

She’s got this
funny door mat —

They used to call it
a welcome mat,

…… but I don’t think
this one qualifies.

Now,
just in case you’re of
them guys who were
too busy paying
attention to how short
the high school French
teacher’s skirt was,

….. instead of to the
valuable French language
lesson she was trying to
communicate,
I will translate.

( Actually so was I —
….. but you always got
Google Translate in a
pinch, ya know. )

It says: ” Oh Shit —
Not You Again
“.

I guess she was expecting me.

Oh, merde.dog

I hadn’t realized
you could get funny
doormats like that.

I guess I don’t visit
people much.

I’m not sure I’d
get one for my
house, though.

I’ve kinda learned
my lesson
about trying to be funny
around the house.

I remember back
in the early 80’s,
when answering
machines
were all the rage.

I had gotten a tape of
different celebrity impersonators
doing funny
‘leave your message at the tone’
blurbs — under

There were like 10 or 12 different voices, saying semi-witty stuff.

Well, I had put this
tape on my machine,

…and it wasn’t but a
couple of days before
I started getting
calls at all hours —

But, they wouldn’t
leave a message–
’cause they didn’t
want to talk to me.

clothesPeople were calling just to listen to the tape.

If I answered, you might hear some snickering,

but otherwise,
they’d just hang up and
call back until I didn’t.

22Finally, I had to take the
answering machine
off the line.

Ahhhh…

That’s the kinda thing that makes you wanna be a people person, don’t it?

So…

Getting back to the
whole funny doormat thing.

Despite the surprising variety
of witty doormats available….

and the fact that my dog
Daisey-Doggey
might actually enjoy the
attention and amusement
that one of these doormats
might generate for her ….
dogjoke
(….she might actually
think I bought it for her … )

I’m thinking that
since my very
hard earned lesson
with the whole 1980’s answering machine debacle—-

…..that maybe I will not avail
myself of the opportunity
to express myself in this way.

Somehow, I don’t think
the mailman guy really
cares what my doormat says,

…..and from what I’ve been
able to glean from his delivery style,
I’m not even sure he can read, anyway.

And I certainly don’t want
people coming over to my house
at all hours of the day and night
to read my doormat.

Hey–
it could happen.

.

goaway