Toofer Tuesday

Somehow I think
it’s appropriate….

since my long
dreaded semi-annual
visit to my crusty,
trusty Dentist is
scheduled for today,
that we choose
a topic that
reveals just how
past generations
regarded the
profession
of the exodontist.

They didn’t
seem to like em.

Just sayin’.

Hey, don’t shoot
the messenger,
man.

It’s not that
he ain’t a
great guy
– he is –
and it ain’t like
his cute nurse
ever hesitates
to hold my hand
and make me feel
like I don’t really
hate everything
about what I’m
about to be going
through in that
damned glorified
barber’s chair….

And he’s never
objected, not
even once, to
my Ipod blaring
in both of my ears
in a vain attempt
to block out the
mental screaming
emanating from
the back of my
amygdala —
and my not so
silent, but very
desperate desire
to escape the
reality of the
moment.

The receptionist even
saves me a couple red
lollipops for when the
mostly imagined
agony is all over.

Really,
they’re all lovely
in that office.

It’s me with the
attitude problem
about it, and
I know that.

If I had spent
one hundredth
of the time
taking care of
my purleys when
I was a young man,
I wouldn’t be wasting
half my life in there,
now.

So, I gotta
just suck it up,
like one of those
noisy, invasive
devices the nurse
is always shoving
down into my
lower lip.

And now that
I think about it,
why does the
application of
the pain killer
hurt worse than
just having the
work done
cold turkey ???

( I imagine,
anyway…. )

Oh sure,
and
I don’t like the
look of those
needles he uses,
either.

All pointy
and stuff.

It conjures up
images of Doctor
Frankenstein —

He’s ALIVE !!!!!!

And why
should I have
to have an XRAY
every time?

I feel like my mouth
is going to be glowing
in the dark before
too long.

I have a sneaking
suspicion that the
X-Ray technician only
flirts with me so I
won’t make a fuss,
I must say.

Sure it works,
why wouldn’t it ?

I’m human.

Sorta.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

Advertisements

Friday Mailbag

Just sorta
reminding ya,
cause I know
you are probably
already well
aware of it ……………

ITS
FRIDAY !!!!

Of course,
you might
just figure I’m
stating the
obvious,
and
I’ll admit
that we
do that
a lot
around here……..

But it also
means that
it’s time for
our weekly
Mailbag post,
brought to you
by :

well,
nobody in
particular,
since we
don’t accept
advertising.

I suppose
it might
still seem
a bit suspect,
me posting a
Friday Mailbag
full of commercial
cigarette cards,
but I assure
you that the
company that
produced them
didn’t do a
damn thing
for me-

Hell, I don’t
even think
they’re
in business
anymore.

Nope,
actually,
I’m sure
of it.

It was Frishmuth’s
Tobacco Company,
based at 17th and
Lehigh Avenue in
Philadelphia —

and these cards
are from an
1887 series
called
“Occupations
of Women”….

and
they went
out of business
around 1910.

( Just a
footnote
in history,
the founder
of the
company
jumped to his
death from
the 50th floor
of a Philadelphia
hospital…)

Yes,
the cards
are highly
collectible,
now that
you mention
it.

Colorful,
beautifully
drawn, and
carefully
lithographed.

Rare?

I
dunno
about
that….

But
I think
you can see
why I like
’em.

.

!! HOY !!!

.

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

Teach Your Bird To Squawk

I have good reason to
brag on a lovely
friend of mine,
Mrs. Fever

– for her 1000th
Post on WordPress
recently ! !

And also,
cause she sent
me a strange album cover
that set me off on a whole
other tangent than the
usual (but of course,
always fascinating)
“Weird Album Covers”
post.

Nope-
not today.

Hey, if you’re in
the mood for those,
you can follow this
link and it’ll fulfill
your utmost desire
( to whatever extreme
you wanna take it,
cause the links at
the bottom of each
post lead you further
and further into the
mad, mad labyrinth . )

ANyhoo…

The album cover
she sent me was
about teaching
your budgie to
repeat catch phrases
using different
celebrity imitations.

B-u-d-g-i-e.

No,
not the
Welsh band.

You know…..
Boids.

Parakeet.

Cockateel.

Canary.

Parrot.
(especially the
Norwegian Blue-
beautiful plumage. )

These birds are especially
astute at mimicking human
language, and the record
was to be used to train ’em
to do that without the
inconvenience of having
Rich Little come to your
house an hour each day
to take to your budgerigar.

It’ll teach em
to say things like:

Ahhh– yes, indeed
in a W.C. Fields voice ;

” Here’s looking at you, kid”
like Humphrey Bogart ;

” Howdy partner “ how
Gary Cooper woulda said it;

A “You dirty rat “ in a voice
similar to Jimmy Cagney’s…

And, what set of imitations
could be without a pseudo
Mae West’s:
“Come up and
see me sometime “.

What struck me, though,
was the similarity of the
bird record to a tape I
had in the late 70’s for
my telephone answering
machine in Florida.

That became so popular
with stray callers that I
had to take it offline –

’cause idiots would call
my number constantly
to play the voices for
their ‘friends’-

– if I answered,
they’d just
hang up
and
call back,
hoping for
the machine.

What a world.

It also tickled my
‘unlikely product’
funny bone —
what if more
contemporary
voices / quotes
were used to teach
the bird stuff ?

Just think about
walking into a
strange room
and having
a bird squawk
a Mike Tyson
imitation of
“I might fade
into Bolivian ”

at you,

Or
a Kanye West
sounding:
I actually
don’t
like thinking.”

Or
a Jessica Simpson
type drawl with
I’m not anorexic,
I’m from Texas “

Hmmm….

What about a
Whitney Houston
tonality with
“Crack is whack,
crack is whack. ”

Or A Mel Gibson imi of:
” What are you looking
at sugar-tits ? “

Speaking of tits….

Imagine the effect of a
Kendall Jenner like
voice with her fabulously
deep reflection of:
” I love my tits being out “
( well, what bird doesn’t?)

Or a
George W Bush voice
with any part of any of
his famous
‘speaking off the cuff
with brain off the hook’
moments, like :
” They
misunderestimated
me”.

(Don’t get me
started on
that Nixon Jr. guy
who’s POTUS now –
– it’s too easy. )

Think about little Polly
Parrot doing her best
Martha Stewart while
droning
” I want to focus
on my salad.”

Yet somehow,
all them
there quotes
seem to make
more sense
being uttered
by a bird,
rather than
the ‘real’
human beings
who first
spoke them.

Hey,
I think
I feel
a series
coming on.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

Innuendo and Intimations

Important
Announcement:

Our readers
have spoken.

In the rampage
row and riot
(ok, maybe that’s
a bit overstating
it, I’ll admit )

of response
and comments
regarding
our post
C*NSORSHIP

We have
definitely
determined
one thing.

What this
blog needs
is much
more :
double-entendres,
and
more :
suggestive,
nuanced,
salacious,
ribald,
titillating
( hmmm,
there’s something
about that word
that I really like
the sound of
)
content .

Ok, so maybe
that’s just my
interpretation,
ya know…..

But I’ve always
felt that a blogger
should always
write about
what they know —

– and what
they feel
down deep
( in their heart ).

And I can’t think
of any theme that
does my heart good
like this one does.

Just makes me feel
warm all over.

And it’s nice to
know that, despite
being a tiny minority
of peeples, our readers
mostly feel the same
way about it.

So,

(I know it’s a
pretty big step,
but here goes…. )

after extended
negotiations with
the mythical and
totally fictional
higher-ups here at
the also totally
fictional and even
more mythical
Muscleheaded
Industries…

I’ve decided to
add another formal
motto to our
Muscleheaded Blog
approved list of
official slogans.

Yes,
now,
in addition to
such important
and solemn
sayings as :

” Say No To Snow ”
( Number one three
years in a row…. )

” Stay Away From
The Snack Bar ”

(A moldy oldie
but a goodie… )

” Too Much
Ain’t Enough ”

( I think they made
a movie about that
one…. )

and ..
“Make Love
Not Cole Slaw”
(not really our best work)

We now proudly
add this one:

” If It Ain’t Got
A Zing, It Don’t
Do A Thing. “

Ok-
so maybe it doesn’t
have the emotional
impact and creative
genius of a
“Say No To Snow”

and maybe
we coulda
put more work
into the whole thing,
rather than just
ripping off a
Duke Ellington
song title from
the 1940’s….

Yeah,
ok, so
there’s that.

But we felt that
our other
potential choices,
like:
“Bring On The Nubiles”
(another song
title rip-off)
or
“Lick The Screen
If You Like It”
,
were still a little
off the mark as far
as our newly rejuvenated
approach to provocative
posts, like this one.

(There is something
weirdly appealing
about the idea of our
readers licking their
monitors, but we’ll
save that for another
day.)

So, the new slogan
stands, and hurray
for that.

Let’s just
run it up
the flagpole
and see who
salutes,
like I always say.

And remember,
friends:

” If It Ain’t Got A… ”

wait…

what was that
stupid thing again?

.

!!! HOY !!!

Friday Mail Bag

We like to mix
up the vintage
post cards
on the Friday
Mail Bag,
usually….

Ya know,
maybe a general
theme without
too much
emphasis on
whether we’re
coloring between
the lines or not.

It gives us a
chance to share
some cool/strange
stuff that doesn’t
make the other
regular categories
of posts on this
blog for one
reason
or another…..

Then,
sometimes,
we shake the
whole damn
thing up and
it actually makes
sense as a cohesive
package once in a
while.

But since we don’t
want THAT to ever
become a habit
around here
(Heaven Forbid)
we’ll start trying to
do better about
keeping the Friday
Mailbag as free of
coherence and
congruity as possible.

(Which isn’t really
hard for us, truthfully)

Incoherence can
be a real blessing
sometimes when
you think about it.

Still….
there may be
some minor
method to
our madness,
yet.

!!! HOY !!!

.