It Just Don’t Add Up

a3I always hated math in school.

It’s just one of those subjects
I can’t get my mind around.

Oh sure,
2 + 2 = 4 is okay , I guess….

But when you start
adding letters like A + B
and getting a number
as an answer-
Mister Man…
— you lost me there.

To me,
A + B = AB .

I know what you’re thinking —math

If that was right,
why wouldn’t 2 + 2
be equal to 22 ?

for all I know about math,
it is, somehow.

How the hell should I know?

But, nobody ever accused me
of being a rocket scientist.

Part of the problem
I always had with
math in schooltutor
was that nobody
could explain to me
how a mathematical
process really worked
in practical language
that even a cretin like I
(ok -like ‘me’)
could understand.

I mean,

I just couldn’t understand:
WHY you don’t get PIE
with a Pie chart….

or why “PI”
is so much more of an ‘irrational’a1
than not getting pie with a pie chart…

or why it’s perfectly fine
to have imaginary numbers
in an algebraic equation,
but wrong to have
an imaginary hottie girlfriend
named “Wendy”.

or what difference ‘New Math’
makes over ‘Old Math’,
when I still can’t get the
right answer, anyway.

or why the batch of rubber
I laid in the school parking lot
with my Dad’s 1972 Torinocanteloupes
didn’t count as a “Ford Circle” —

or why any test on “Probability Theory”
always resulted in a 90 percent conjecture
that I was gonna fail it…..

or why the solution
to every “Boolean Function”
proved ‘Evasive’ —
and ended up
making me feel like a Foolean.

or why my Math Teacher a2
grading on a “Bell Curve”
always landed me
somewhere down near the clapper.

Let’s face it —
you could make
ANYTHING beyond complicated
with Mathematics.

Take a simple idea like:
“How do you put algebra
an elephant in a refrigerator?”

And forget the logical stuff

“Why would you WANT
to put an elephant in a refrigerator?”

Because a math whiz
could still give you
a dozen equations for how to do it.a3

you just:

” Let ϵ>0
ϵ>0. Then for all such ϵ
ϵ, there exists a δ>0
δ>0 such that
∣ ∣ ∣ elephant2 n ∣ ∣ ∣ <ϵfit
|elephant2n|<ϵ for all n>δ
n>δ . Therefore
lim n→∞ elephant2 n =0.

limn→∞elephant2n=0. “


“Since 1/2 n <1/n 2
1/2n<1/n2 for n≥5 n≥5 , 
by comparison, we know
that ∑ n≥1 elephant2 n “


” There exists an affine transformation
F:R 3 →R 3 :p ⃗ ↦Ap ⃗ +
q ⃗ F:R3→R3:p→↦Ap→+q→
that will allow the elephant
to be put into the refrigerator.
Just make sure detA≠0 detA≠0
so you can take the elephant back out,
and detA>0 / detA>0 fall
so you don’t end up with a pulpy mess. “


So THAT’s how you do it.

It’s now as clear as mud.

I’ll stick to buffalo ….
it’s much simpler.

No wonder
I like history better.




Shake It Like A Polaroid Pitcha

a2Polaroid cameras used to be
the leading edge in
photographic technology.

Just think about it
for a second.

Instead of waiting
a whole week or so
for your pictures to be
developed by the local Fotomat…..

— you could snap and picture
with your trusty Polaroid,

and after a few anxiousa4
moments waving the print
around in the air —

you’d peel the paper back ,
and presto —

— a brand new picture
of your second cousin.

it was grainy,
sorta outta focus,
and already starting to fade,
but it was pretty damned
close to ” instant ”  —

as close as you were
gonna get in a personal camera
for the 1970’s, anyway.
Even ‘selfies’ were possible,
despite the fact they
weren’t called that, then.

You just had to have
very long arms.

And the Polaroid cameras
were excellent on those
special occasions when
you were interested in
taking the kinds of picturesbath
that you couldn’t send to
the Fotomat, even
if you wanted to.

you know the ones.

The ones you’ve still got
tucked away between the
pages of a 1979 edition
of the Rand McNally Atlas
of Eastern Europe.

Come on —
what else would you need
a boundary map of Jugoslavia for ?

The funny thing is,
nobody’s figured it out.



It’s Not Just Active – It’s Radioactive

radiumdanceSome of you poor,
long-suffering souls
who have kept up with
the Muscleheaded Blog
over the years–

may, ‘may’ I say-
just barely remember
a post we did on
common but radioactive
household products
from ‘back in the day’ —

( Oh, do I hate that expression —
how do such abominablepostacrd
catchphrases work their
way into our vocabularies,
anyway? )

Well, since then,
we’ve had several of our
fine readers send us stuff
that we missed, forgot, iv
skipped, disregarded
or otherwise ignored
in the first post…..

And we figure,
the least we can do
is rectify the situation.

I guess nobody today nuclearecordduster
really needs an explanation
on exactly WHY this stuff
would be bad for you….

Something to do with reactivity,
alpha and gamma rays, and
scientific sounding stuff like that.
If you’re interested,
there’s a fascinating article
on the ‘Radium Ladies’ here

Remember the glow-in-the-dark
watch dial your grandfather had?

Suffice to say that
painting the radium
onto those watch faces
wasn’t the healthiest way
to make a living.

And using any of the products
on this post probably wasn’t bath
gonna be all that good
for you, either.

Ok, maybe your LP records
won’t get cancer from
using a radioactive record
cleaning brush —
— but you certainly could.

Just imagine the potential damage
caused by the daily use of a
uranium comforter,
reactive chocolate.
barium baths
or radium suppositories.
Or trying to keep your hair
after a couple doses of
radioactive hair-color?

“65 and never a grey hair”.

Yeah, I’d bet.

And all this unhealthy rad
being packaged and
sold in ‘glowing’
descriptive advertising.

so it’s a pun.

What did you expect…



hand handcleaner

salve supp


The Mighty Mighty MailBag

behindCalling all Muscleheaded Blog fans —

I can actually see
the bottom—

— of the mailbag,
that is.

So, if you’ve got submissions
backed up on your hard drive
that you’ve been just itching
to send in —

— well, now’s as good
a time as any.

(And you might consider
putting somehello
hydrocortisone creme
on that itch
while you’re at it….. )

Send us just about anything.

We’re putting out the call, man.

We ain’t picky,
as you already know.


Today’s mix is a bit like
my Aunt Sarah’s stew —

You throw whatever you
have left over ohyeah
in the refrigerator,
the produce cabinet,
and the can pantry at
the end of the week
into a big ole pot, and
then let it boil over.

Then, just skim off
the scum and

that didn’t come out right.

But then, neither does my
Aunt Sarah’s stew, usually.

I guess our post today
does have a kinda general
theme, though —

the telephone.

It’s really fun to see
how telephone use
has evolved over the years.

Ok, so ‘evolved’
isn’t exactly cant
the right word…..

‘Devolved’, maybe.

Cause today,
I think people
use telephones
for everything
BUT talking.

Not only do you
no longer have to
imagine what the
hottie at the other end
of the line is wearing
right now–

—  but you can get solines
up close and personal
that it just boggles
the mind, boy.

And I can’t believe that
I actually sound like
I’m complaining
about it, either.

Man, I’m think
I’m being driven
slowly mad,

mad I tell you.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!


News From the Lab

” News from the Lab “.

Wait, not that lab.

Our Muscleheaded Lab.

Hey, man,
We Got SCIENCE !!!!!!!!!!ma


Muscleheaded Technology Laboratories’
search for cutting edge technology
advances marches on!!

Our Director of Research
Suzie Wonder reports from
-the ultra-super-secret –
Muscleheaded Labs’
“Center for Ultra-Super-Secret
Technology & Stuff Like That

2Dateline: January 2017
— Charlotte, NC
Suzie Wonder, Reporting

Despite our recent setbacks with our:

Robo-Mechanical Analog Telephone Device,
which might have taken a little
longer than expected to develop…..

our doomed Diet Coke
and Mentos-fueled rocket to Mars

the FDA’s ‘ unfair ‘
rejection of our Muscleheaded Brand
fruit-flavored panty liners

and the utter lack of demand
for our full, luxury line of
“smog-making” machines,

we remain fully
committed to making3
yesterday’s technology
a thing of the future

Muscleheaded’s pet project,
the electric gun,
… is also still hung up in testing.

Apparently, the thing still
blows all the fuses outcoil
in the lab when fired,

….. and all the
bullet holes in the
walls are causing a serious
draft problem as well.

Today, though, one of
our biggest projects
yet has been met with success.

At our innertube
super secret facility,
…… somewhere in North Carolina,

(or ‘the garage’, for short……..)

we are pleased to announce
that after exhaustive
and very expensive studies-

…. that we havepositi
successfully combined
certain tannin extracts
and polyphenols
from Camellia sinensis,
sucrose, and citric acid –

—- using a patented
and complicated
system of solar powered reaction,

— and have developed a new4
energy drink which is
tentatively being named:
Sun Tea“.

(.. although, the moniker
Sweet Tea
is also being considered
for Southern markets. )

We are particularly proud
of the packagingschrodin
— a result of a multi-million dollar
research and development project.

Some of our readers have expressed
an interest in the progress of
our new IQ-boosting sports supplement…

(code-named “Smart-Maker Supplement”)

— we had intended on testing the
rare and expensive extract on a test
group of people with above-average IQ’s,

but unfortunately, Muscleheaded
got it mixed up with
his pre-workout supplement,
and the dumb ass
( I mean… HE…)5
used it all…

…and since it was not intended
to be used by people with IQ’s below 50,
no useful data was obtained,
although he did seem a little gassier than usual……

Other project results for 2017 so far :

The FDA continues to interfere with
the release of some of our most necessary
and innovative new products —

—– just this month issuing a safety advisory
about our new candy sticks in the
shape of TNT called “Explosions of 7Flavor“.

…. claiming the free matches and
non-edible fast-burning fuses provided
were “potentially dangerous to children”.

Oh come now..

Since when is fire, and candy
that explodes, a potential health risk?

In the same FDA bulletin,

8The government also infered that
our “Waking Up is a Blast” alarm clock
was equally unsafe,

and further, that the
‘mattress mini-charge’ be disabled.

While we recognize that it might not
be as essential an item as our explosive candy,

we still feel that this kind of governmental
interference really makes a damper on our profit —

I mean, err…
our product line.

Our music studies research department
have discovered a surprising resultcar
in their poll about the most
pleasing instruments to the ear…

……… strings such as the viola.

As a result of this study,
our scientists have embarked on a program
to reintroduce the instrument to the American classroom,

and have developed an easy to remember slogan
to aid the effort:
There’s always room for cello.”

9We are also happy to announce
our newest innovation in baby nurturing…..

It should really revolutionize child rearing.

Called the “automatic baby burper and back patter”

this product should be in stores by (next) Christmas….

(ground wire optional )

Look for it at your local BabieZ-iZ-uZ
or AFDC centers nationwide.

Our advertising department is just
wetting themselves over this next product…….. 9a

It’s called the “IPoop” ,
and will also be ready for next year’s Christmas rush.

Priced at only $399.99, this really
neat-o gadget will allow you
to use the bathroom and
listen to music simultaneously.

There’s just gotta be a market
for such innovation, right ???

Buy two–
they make great gifts.bedfoprone

And finally, some sad news
from our advertising department….

Reverend Al Sharpton has informed us
that he has decided not to be the spokesman
for our new keycard-operated front door locks….

……………………….. he’s upset
it won’t accept race cards.

Ah well….


Vintage TV’s Are Good For You


This advertisement,
dating from 1950,
and sponsored by Motorola,
discusses the benefits
of television to children.

Under the heading
Home, sweet TV home“,
it’s explained that TV:

keeps children
out of mother’s hair,
provides peace and quiet,
prevents ‘rainy day’ riots
and boredom,
gets the kids home on time,
and that disciplining themcit
by taking away their
TV “really works”.

Another column, entitled
Gets homework done promptly“,
explains that children
are much more interested
in their homework with
a TV in the house,
and that TV can be
enjoyed in moderation,
like sports or movies.

“Will televisionjap
strengthen family ties?”

discusses how:

religious, educational,
and social workers
all agree that TV
can be one of the
strongest forces
to bring the family
together to enjoy
good, clean entertainment


Very convincing.

I think I might buy one.


Let’s see…..


I’ve had my eye on
a very futuristic
model indeed….

( For more information, see
Atomic Flash Deluxe’s post
on the Kuba Entertainment Center )

I have to wonder if I got
space for it, though.

HOY !!!!