The Mighty Mighty MailBag

behindCalling all Muscleheaded Blog fans —

I can actually see
the bottom—

— of the mailbag,
that is.

So, if you’ve got submissions
backed up on your hard drive
that you’ve been just itching
to send in —

— well, now’s as good
a time as any.

(And you might consider
putting somehello
hydrocortisone creme
on that itch
while you’re at it….. )

Hey-
Send us just about anything.

We’re putting out the call, man.

We ain’t picky,
as you already know.

Ahem.

Today’s mix is a bit like
my Aunt Sarah’s stew —

You throw whatever you
have left over ohyeah
in the refrigerator,
the produce cabinet,
and the can pantry at
the end of the week
into a big ole pot, and
then let it boil over.

Then, just skim off
the scum and enjoy.party

Wait…
that didn’t come out right.

But then, neither does my
Aunt Sarah’s stew, usually.

I guess our post today
does have a kinda general
theme, though —

the telephone.

It’s really fun to see
how telephone use
has evolved over the years.

Ok, so ‘evolved’
isn’t exactly cant
the right word…..

‘Devolved’, maybe.

Cause today,
I think people
use telephones
for everything
BUT talking.

Not only do you
no longer have to
imagine what the
hottie at the other end
of the line is wearing
right now–

—  but you can get solines
up close and personal
that it just boggles
the mind, boy.

And I can’t believe that
I actually sound like
I’m complaining
about it, either.

Man, I’m think
I’m being driven
slowly mad,

mad I tell you.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

deco

News From the Lab

1Here’s
” News from the Lab “.

Wait, not that lab.

Our Muscleheaded Lab.

Hey, man,
We Got SCIENCE !!!!!!!!!!ma

Yes,

Muscleheaded Technology Laboratories’
search for cutting edge technology
advances marches on!!

Our Director of Research
Suzie Wonder reports from
-the ultra-super-secret –
Muscleheaded Labs’
“Center for Ultra-Super-Secret
Technology & Stuff Like That
“:

2Dateline: January 2017
— Charlotte, NC
Suzie Wonder, Reporting

Despite our recent setbacks with our:

Robo-Mechanical Analog Telephone Device,
which might have taken a little
longer than expected to develop…..

our doomed Diet Coke
and Mentos-fueled rocket to Mars
,

the FDA’s ‘ unfair ‘
rejection of our Muscleheaded Brand
fruit-flavored panty liners
,futile

and the utter lack of demand
for our full, luxury line of
“smog-making” machines,

we remain fully
committed to making3
yesterday’s technology
a thing of the future
.

Muscleheaded’s pet project,
the electric gun,
… is also still hung up in testing.

Apparently, the thing still
blows all the fuses outcoil
in the lab when fired,

….. and all the
bullet holes in the
walls are causing a serious
draft problem as well.

Today, though, one of
our biggest projects
yet has been met with success.

At our innertube
C.M.L.C.F.U.S.S.T.&.S.L.T
super secret facility,
…… somewhere in North Carolina,

(or ‘the garage’, for short……..)

we are pleased to announce
that after exhaustive
and very expensive studies-

…. that we havepositi
successfully combined
certain tannin extracts
and polyphenols
from Camellia sinensis,
sucrose, and citric acid –

—- using a patented
and complicated
system of solar powered reaction,

— and have developed a new4
energy drink which is
tentatively being named:
Sun Tea“.

(.. although, the moniker
Sweet Tea
is also being considered
for Southern markets. )

We are particularly proud
of the packagingschrodin
— a result of a multi-million dollar
research and development project.

Some of our readers have expressed
an interest in the progress of
our new IQ-boosting sports supplement…

(code-named “Smart-Maker Supplement”)

— we had intended on testing the
rare and expensive extract on a test
group of people with above-average IQ’s,

but unfortunately, Muscleheaded
got it mixed up with
his pre-workout supplement,
and the dumb ass
( I mean… HE…)5
used it all…

…and since it was not intended
to be used by people with IQ’s below 50,
no useful data was obtained,
although he did seem a little gassier than usual……

Other project results for 2017 so far :

The FDA continues to interfere with
the release of some of our most necessary
and innovative new products —

—– just this month issuing a safety advisory
about our new candy sticks in the
shape of TNT called “Explosions of 7Flavor“.

…. claiming the free matches and
non-edible fast-burning fuses provided
were “potentially dangerous to children”.

Oh come now..

Since when is fire, and candy
that explodes, a potential health risk?

In the same FDA bulletin,

8The government also infered that
our “Waking Up is a Blast” alarm clock
was equally unsafe,

and further, that the
‘mattress mini-charge’ be disabled.

While we recognize that it might not
be as essential an item as our explosive candy,

we still feel that this kind of governmental
interference really makes a damper on our profit —

I mean, err…
our product line.

Our music studies research department
have discovered a surprising resultcar
in their poll about the most
pleasing instruments to the ear…

……… strings such as the viola.

As a result of this study,
our scientists have embarked on a program
to reintroduce the instrument to the American classroom,

and have developed an easy to remember slogan
to aid the effort:
There’s always room for cello.”

9We are also happy to announce
our newest innovation in baby nurturing…..

It should really revolutionize child rearing.

Called the “automatic baby burper and back patter”

this product should be in stores by (next) Christmas….

(ground wire optional )

Look for it at your local BabieZ-iZ-uZ
or AFDC centers nationwide.

Our advertising department is just
wetting themselves over this next product…….. 9a

It’s called the “IPoop” ,
and will also be ready for next year’s Christmas rush.
Maybe.

Priced at only $399.99, this really
neat-o gadget will allow you
to use the bathroom and
listen to music simultaneously.

There’s just gotta be a market
for such innovation, right ???

Buy two–
they make great gifts.bedfoprone

And finally, some sad news
from our advertising department….

Reverend Al Sharpton has informed us
that he has decided not to be the spokesman
for our new keycard-operated front door locks….

……………………….. he’s upset
it won’t accept race cards.

Ah well….
SCIENCE MARCHES ON.

z1

Vintage TV’s Are Good For You

benefit

This advertisement,
dating from 1950,
and sponsored by Motorola,
discusses the benefits
of television to children.

Under the heading
Home, sweet TV home“,
it’s explained that TV:

keeps children
out of mother’s hair,
provides peace and quiet,
prevents ‘rainy day’ riots
and boredom,
gets the kids home on time,
and that disciplining themcit
by taking away their
TV “really works”.

Another column, entitled
Gets homework done promptly“,
explains that children
are much more interested
in their homework with
a TV in the house,
and that TV can be
enjoyed in moderation,
like sports or movies.

“Will televisionjap
strengthen family ties?”

discusses how:

religious, educational,
and social workers
all agree that TV
can be one of the
strongest forces
to bring the family
together to enjoy
good, clean entertainment
“.fr

Ah.

Very convincing.

I think I might buy one.

Hmmmm.

Let’s see…..

Well…..

I’ve had my eye on
a very futuristic
model indeed….

( For more information, see
Atomic Flash Deluxe’s post
on the Kuba Entertainment Center )

I have to wonder if I got
space for it, though.

HOY !!!!

germantv

The Voice-O-Graph

1930'sI guess we all kinda
take it for granted today–

We can take a
picture of ourselves
or others in an instant,

—  and show it off right away.

Yes, there’s nothing
like a dirty selfie
in the shower to make you
appreciate modern technology,
I always say,

Ahem.

The same goes for our voices —a1

All of us have heard our own voices enough
to know exactly what we sound like to others–

—- thanks to the technologies of the
late 20th and early 21st century.

And I imagine some people
send selfies in voice form, too —

What would ya call that
— an oralie ?

Umm…..speakup

Anyhow,

— it wasn’t always like that.

The ability to record
your own voice
and play it back on demand,
for instance..

hidaddyAlthough machines had
been recording voices
since the War Between the States,

— the average Joe didn’t have easy
and inexpensive access to having
his voice reproduced until the 1930’s.

The earliest reproducible
voice recording
was made in Paris around 1860:

‘Clair De Lune’instructions
using what inventor
Eduard Scott de Martinville
called the ‘Phonautograph’–

— it made tracings of voice wave-forms
on smoked glass or paper, in order to
perform acoustical studies on the patterns —

and it wasn’t until 17 years later that
anybody even realized that these tracings
the machine made could be played back.

So, for all practical purposes,
this 10 second recording
made by Scott on April 09, 1860,
called “Au Clair De La Lune”,
is the oldest known recorded voice.voice

But this reproduction process
was complicated–
(impossible for many years),

and then requiring all kinds
of specialized equipment,

worse, yet– it yielded very
low quality sound.

Charles Cros has some success
in the 1870’s with his ‘paleophone’–

3The real breakthrough
in reproducing sound,
and of course, voice —
was Thomas Alva Edison’s 1877
invention of the phonograph —
originally using a tin foil cylinder.

A guy named Emile Berliner simplified
the playback process in 1890 by
substituting a flat disc or ‘record’ —
the system people now
associate with the phonograph.

1This system was,
with only minor changes,
used for the majority of voice recording
all over the world,
until the Germans
invented magnetic recording
tape right before World War II,

…..and it wasn’t until after the war
that most folks in the United States
ever even saw a reel to reel tape machine.

The war brought increased demand for voice recording–

People wanted to send their friends
and family messages of news, hope and love—

and writing letters seemed so impersonal and detached —

USOThis pent up demand was filled in several ways —

Sometimes record stores would have a recording booth,
in which professional equipment would be used
to cut a record in a matter of hours…

……. and the records they produced
were sturdy and professional looking.

2But far, the most popular method was to
use a coin operated portable recording set up—

Like Mutoscope’s Voice-O-Graph,
frequently located in arcades, fairgrounds,
and high traffic areas like
train stations and tourist attractions.

These machines had some serious limitations —

They produced records on flimsy laminated cardboard,

which looked rather cheap,

sounded pretty awful,

— and were only good for a couple of plays before they disintegrated.

a1Depending on the model you were using,
you might be enclosed in the semi-quiet of a booth,
or separated from the din of the crowd by only a curtain.

The message length was only about one minute —
and the resultant 6″ record was 78 RPM.

Yet, for popularity,
they were hard to beat.

The great appeal these machines had were that they were inexpensive
(about a quarter during WW II), easy to use,
and just about everywhere at one time—

aaaI remember the USO club
near Great Lakes Naval Station in the 1970’s
still had one in their back room.

The Voice-O-Graph looked much like a phone booth,
and the microphone was disguised as a phone, too,
so people would feel more comfortable using it.

A light would come on to tell you
when it was ready to record,

and another would flash when you had only 10 seconds to ‘wrap it up’.

voiceThen, it would print the record,
play it back for you,
and deposit it in the slot.

Kinda neat-o, huh?

These things were so interesting and fun to use,

a few of them are even still in use today—

Neil Young recorded a new album in 2014,
called “A Letter Home“, in one owned by Jack White,
previously of the White Stripes.

Of course, some ginchey modern technology
has been added for the svoiceake of sound quality,
improved recording media,
and to accommodate more recording time—

But it’s still a very cool idea.

I’m told that if you have 15 bucks,
you can go to White’s
“Third Man Record Store” in Nashville,
and record one for yourself.

Imagine–
your own ‘oralie’ recorded
on Jack White’s Voice-O-Graph.

I always wondered what else
there was to do in that town—

……. other than Ernest Tubb’s Record Store,
the Grand Ole Opry,
and Tooties Orchid Lounge.

.

HOY!

birds