” News from the Lab “.
Wait, not that lab.
Our Muscleheaded Lab.
We Got SCIENCE !!!!!!!!!!
Muscleheaded Technology Laboratories’
search for cutting edge technology
advances marches on!!
Our Director of Research
Suzie Wonder reports from
-the ultra-super-secret –
“Center for Ultra-Super-Secret
Technology & Stuff Like That“:
Dateline: January 2017
— Charlotte, NC
Suzie Wonder, Reporting
Despite our recent setbacks with our:
Robo-Mechanical Analog Telephone Device,
which might have taken a little
longer than expected to develop…..
our doomed Diet Coke
and Mentos-fueled rocket to Mars,
the FDA’s ‘ unfair ‘
rejection of our Muscleheaded Brand
fruit-flavored panty liners,
and the utter lack of demand
for our full, luxury line of
we remain fully
committed to making
a thing of the future.
Muscleheaded’s pet project,
the electric gun,
… is also still hung up in testing.
Apparently, the thing still
blows all the fuses out
in the lab when fired,
….. and all the
bullet holes in the
walls are causing a serious
draft problem as well.
Today, though, one of
our biggest projects
yet has been met with success.
super secret facility,
…… somewhere in North Carolina,
(or ‘the garage’, for short……..)
we are pleased to announce
that after exhaustive
and very expensive studies-
…. that we have
certain tannin extracts
from Camellia sinensis,
sucrose, and citric acid –
—- using a patented
system of solar powered reaction,
— and have developed a new
energy drink which is
tentatively being named:
(.. although, the moniker
is also being considered
for Southern markets. )
We are particularly proud
of the packaging
— a result of a multi-million dollar
research and development project.
Some of our readers have expressed
an interest in the progress of
our new IQ-boosting sports supplement…
(code-named “Smart-Maker Supplement”)
— we had intended on testing the
rare and expensive extract on a test
group of people with above-average IQ’s,
but unfortunately, Muscleheaded
got it mixed up with
his pre-workout supplement,
and the dumb ass
( I mean… HE…)
used it all…
…and since it was not intended
to be used by people with IQ’s below 50,
no useful data was obtained,
although he did seem a little gassier than usual……
Other project results for 2017 so far :
The FDA continues to interfere with
the release of some of our most necessary
and innovative new products —
—– just this month issuing a safety advisory
about our new candy sticks in the
shape of TNT called “Explosions of Flavor“.
…. claiming the free matches and
non-edible fast-burning fuses provided
were “potentially dangerous to children”.
Oh come now..
Since when is fire, and candy
that explodes, a potential health risk?
In the same FDA bulletin,
The government also infered that
our “Waking Up is a Blast” alarm clock
was equally unsafe,
and further, that the
‘mattress mini-charge’ be disabled.
While we recognize that it might not
be as essential an item as our explosive candy,
we still feel that this kind of governmental
interference really makes a damper on our profit —
I mean, err…
our product line.
Our music studies research department
have discovered a surprising result
in their poll about the most
pleasing instruments to the ear…
……… strings such as the viola.
As a result of this study,
our scientists have embarked on a program
to reintroduce the instrument to the American classroom,
and have developed an easy to remember slogan
to aid the effort:
“There’s always room for cello.”
We are also happy to announce
our newest innovation in baby nurturing…..
It should really revolutionize child rearing.
Called the “automatic baby burper and back patter”
this product should be in stores by (next) Christmas….
(ground wire optional )
Look for it at your local BabieZ-iZ-uZ
or AFDC centers nationwide.
Our advertising department is just
wetting themselves over this next product……..
It’s called the “IPoop” ,
and will also be ready for next year’s Christmas rush.
Priced at only $399.99, this really
neat-o gadget will allow you
to use the bathroom and
listen to music simultaneously.
There’s just gotta be a market
for such innovation, right ???
they make great gifts.
And finally, some sad news
from our advertising department….
Reverend Al Sharpton has informed us
that he has decided not to be the spokesman
for our new keycard-operated front door locks….
……………………….. he’s upset
it won’t accept race cards.
SCIENCE MARCHES ON.