Beware Friday The 13th

jinxHappy Friday
the 13th, Y’all !

Like last year,
(when there was only 1)
you might notice a
distinct paucity
of Friday the 13ths
this year.

That’s ’cause there’s only
two in this whole year.

Today, and
in October —
(on the 13th, of course)lemon

In 2015 there were three of ’em.

It’s probably
just as well, though.

Because ,
no matter how many
turn up on the calendar,

The whole Friday
the 13th claptrap
upsets a buncha folks.

And although I’m meow
not really one of them,

I do understand it hasn’t been
the best of all days
for folks throughout the years —

20 million people are said to suffer
from a serious case of what’s called
paraskevidekatriaphobia.

Oh sure,married

if somebody might come along
and force you to try
to pronounce THAT word,

— paraskevidekatriaphobia —

then,

you really would have
something to be afraid of.

I had a fit just trying to spell it.

The day’s been considered friday13t
a very unlucky one
ever since Philip the Fair
grabbed as much treasure—

— and as many Knights Templars —

as he could find in France
on Friday, October 13, 1307.

He had issued secret
arrest orders to his marshals–

not to be opened
until the early morning friday13
of that day —

and although his treacherous act
brought about his own
downfall eventually,

it still has come down to us
in the Western World
as a very bad day, indeed.

The Airlines plan for less traffic,

Restaurants plan for less tables,

Bars actually serve less booze,dynamo

the Police expect more
domestic disputes,

the Fire Department puts
more firemen on call,

the Hospitals expect
more accidents,

the Stock Market looks
for a downturn,

— and there sure have been
some really archie
crummy, creepy movies
made about the subject, too.

I can’t explain just how
a blood spattered maniac
wielding a noisy
gas powered chain-saw
while wearing a hockey mask
can sneak up on ANYBODY,

— but it must be ladder
possible, I guess.

Ok, I admit–

I don’t do horror movies,

’cause the real world offers
so much pain and degradation already,

I have no desire to watch it for fun.

So maybe this Jason guy
uses some secret potion,
exotic gas or mystical spell
to put his victims asleep,
EPSON scanner imageor at the very least,
make them stupid first —

I dunno.

Just once,

You’d figure somebody
would fight back, or RUN,

—- but, no —

They select a rotten hiding place
in the same exact graveyard
where the maniac likes to
spend all his quality leisure time,

Or they simply stand there13
wide-eyed and screaming
until the crazy guy stalks
right up to em.

Good plan.

Man,

I don’t get it.

It must be the same dynamic
that applies to the mindset
when they roll out
the just barely post-WW II era
Rikujō Jieitai Sherman Tanks 13
to get squished wholesale
by a completely impervious
and totally pissed off
Godzilla on the rampage,

— like so many
empty peanut shells
on the floor of a crappy
and ridiculously overpriced
local ‘steak’ house that doesn’t
know a rare rib-eye
from a well-done one.

Ok,cat
so,

I admit that particular
reference is a little low
and inside….

And somehow,

I think I got totally
sidetracked on food again.

Ahem.

Oh well,

Gimme a good13friday
Godzilla movie,
a tender steak,
and a curvy cutie
for a companion any day-
especially on Friday the 13th.

.

HOY!

fri

Christmas Leftovers

deadrobinforluckI got a note from one of
my regular readers that
we didn’t hit Christmas
this year with our usual verve –

– and I guess that’s true…
we do usually run it
completely into the ground,
until you just wanna throw up —
weird
— sorta like they do with those
commercials featuring ‘Flo’
or that damned reptile…..

and of course,
while we here
at the Müscleheaded Blog
consider making our readersscrewy
feel a bit queasy is all
part and parcel with
what we do around
here on a regular basis…

… still, we thought we’d
give y’all a break.

— But —
Nooooooooooooo…

Some observant
wisenheimer had to go
and jinx the whole thingshave
by noticing we were
trying to be nice guys
about it..

You woulda thought
you woulda learned
your lesson after
complaining aboutsantablimp
the small Christmas
bonus last year-
cause you got nothing
at all this year.

Be thankful
and remain silent,
that’s what I always say.

sausageWell, actually,
I don’t say that–

— ’cause I was the
big-mouthed loser
who complained about
the damned bonus.

Still.

Take it for
what it’s worth.

In this case,
nuprobably nuthin.

(Like these folks are wearin.)

We do have a couple of
cool images our readers
have sent in that missed
the Annual Muscleheaded
Blockbuster Christmas
Blog Schedule deadlines —

–and it would be a
damned shame to
have to wait until
next year to use them,
because they genuinely
ARE weird or unique, halchrist
and because we’re
all about instant
gratification around here,
ya know.

My friend Katie is responsible
for the first two.

I’m told that a dead robin
was supposed to be good luck
in Victorian times.

I guess sending a
postcard would obviously
smell a lot better
than the real thing.

We’ve also got:

A Creepy Christmas Card With Owls future
(A design left over
from Halloween, I’ll bet)

Santa in a Blimp 
(I don’t think that
ever caught on )

Santa in a Rocket Sled
( I don’t think that’ll
catch on, either)

A Nudist Christmas card
(Apparently it was
a thing in the 50’s)

A Guy Shaving For Christmas
(It takes a village, I guess ) cat

A Riveting Christmas With Rosie
(Screwy and Wearing Pants )

A Bad Pun About Sausage 
(Yeah, is there
a GOOD pun ?)

A Somehow Still Relevant Political Card
(Santa can’t beat
the bags under her eyes)
drunk
An Evening Out With The Clauses 
(Boy, she looks
totally different in civvies )

And our finale —

Another Bad Pun
About Big Boobs 
( … yeah, the pun maybe –
but there’s no such thing
as bad big boobs.)

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

busted

Watching Your P’s and Ker’s

pumpsWandering aimlessly
though the digital wasteland
a couple of days ago…..

I was amazed at just
how much vacuum
of which the internet
is actually composed.

You can almost hear
a sucking sound when
you open your browser.

(Kidding –
but just barely)

There does seem
to be much,
much ado
about mostly nothing.

Not that there ain’tcar-exhaust-vacuum
some things to see,
of course,

— like all of my friends’ blogs
right here on WP…..

or, if you know
right where you’re going.

I just mean how limited
really good, hair
accurate information is.

Sometimes it’s actually shocking
what’s NOT available.

On this particular occasion,
one of my friends
had gotten my brain
all stewed up with ideas……

But as I looked for stuff
to accentuate the flavor
(as it were),devle
I couldn’t find
the right ingredients.

So I ended up ambling
toward one of my favorite sites–
the Urban Dictionary.

I must admit
I’d be lost without it.

I was born in the late 1950’s…
so the slang constantly used
in the media these days
leaves me totally kerfruzzled.

Oh, kerfluzzled is one of the words
I’m now learning to use,
thanks to my friend Jen
(who started this whole
mess by using it)
and, of course,
the Urban Dictionary.as2

I was kerichunked when she
originally made her comment,
and had to look it up on the UD.

Kerichunked–
ya know, surprised.

Not to be confused
with kerjunked
which refers to a
hard and fast
sexual experience.

What?

Jeez, man–
I think you might be more
outta the loop than I am.
(he said….
…. while kermitting wildly)appl

And of course,
as a rather rude reader
pointed out over
the weekend —

(in a roundabout way,
since he was obviously
a blogging nescient,
and could obviously
use some of these
pictured products)

That I should recognize that usingfacesuck
these strange vocabulary words
to illustrate vapid, jejeune
concepts is casuistical of me,

but somehow, it seems
like one kerplinkerdinker
of a talent to me, personally.

Oh sure, I know sneaking
in the casuistical one
was a little off the ‘ker’ topic,

—- but I left it in therehoover
as a kinda kernubbin, if you will.

Kernfuzed, yet?
Yeah, me too.

Hey–
why not use this
handy-dandy glossary
that I have so
thoughtfully provided.

— Hmmmm???tubes

.

Handy Dandy GLOSSARY

A Nescient – An Ignoramus

Kerfuzzled – Confused

Kerichunked – Surprised

Kerjunked– Hard and fast orgasm

Kermitting – Waving your arms like a muppet

Kernubbin – The last morsel of something great

Kerplinkerdinker — An awesome ability
that can’t easily be pronounced

Casuistical – Sophistic

Kernfuzed — I just made that up.

.

!!!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!

zenith

They Could Already Be Here

wOh, how
I have often wondered…..

What would space aliens
look like if they should ever
really visit the Earth ?

Would they be Humanoids?
Lizard-like?
Little Green Globs of Goo ?

I’m kinda hoping
for the last choice…

There’s less chance of them
stealing our human women.ufo

Not that there aren’t plenty
of women going with
slime balls now, I guess…

I know several experts say
that whatever they would look like,
…..they probably wouldn’t
look anything like humans.c

Although the entire universe
is made up of the same stuff,
the individual planetary
environments would vary
so much as to make
similar-to-us humanoid
development unlikely.

We are, they say,
perfectly adapted
to our own environment.

Change the environment,
and you change
the evolutionary result.

Theoretically, gif
everything about them
would be different.

Right down to their
basic necessities ,
like how and what they eat…..

So, no chance of just bumpin
into one them alien types
at the local WalMart.

Whew.2699379_f520

That’s a relief, anyway.

‘Cause I was pretty sure
I already had, otherwise.

Seth Shostak, senior astronomer
at the Search for Extraterrestrial
Intelligence (SETI) Institute,
in an interview with ‘Discovery Space’
thinks they maySpaceWoman
end up being “thinking machines“.

He also thinks it might not be
all that great for humans if an
alien race did show up for a visit.

…..Usually when an advanced society
visits a less-advanced society,
it’s bad news for the less-advanced.

Stephen Hawking agreed…
We only have to look
at ourselves to see
how intelligent life might
develop into something
we wouldn’t want to meet.
I imagine they might
exist in massive ships,beer
having used up all the resources
from their home planet.
Such advanced aliens would
perhaps become nomads,
looking to conquer and colonize
whatever planets they can reach.
If aliens ever visit us, I think the
outcome would be much

as when Christopher Columbus
first landed in America,2699379_f520

which didn’t turn out very well
for the Native Americans
.”

Let’s see…
‘thinking machines’,
‘nomadic conquerors’…..

There they go…
robots stealing our women, again .

Ralph Pudritz of McMaster University
thinks different.

He says that there’s a good possibility
that Joe Alien will look a lot like John Q Public.a

The reasoning behind this is that there
is a ” universal structure of the first codes ”
stored within the 20 or so amino acids,
and these may be found across space–
—in other words, DNA .

Simply put, that means that space aliens
could look just like you or me —
—or that idiot that keeps bashing your heel
with his shopping cart at the Wal-Mart.

Of course, they probably would be a bit brighter.

The theory goes that any race that could
travel between galaxies would be highlyalien
developed technically, and be very intelligent.

Hmmm…. ok….

Well, if they’re so intelligent,
why would they want to come here?

I always figured this place would end up
being the North Philly of the Milky Way,
…. but now I’m not so sure….

Jill Tarter at SETI thinks they may just
come here to explore, and that
they wouldn’t want
to eat us or enslave us
“.

And we do have some interestingba
stuff here to see, I guess.

The Grand Canyon is cool,
and Whitewater Rafting
on the American River is something
they don’t have on Gamma Trialyis Three.

At least, as far as I know of, anyway.

Those alien sightseers would probably
be more active than the average American, anyway.

After all, they can already watch our TV anytime
….. comfy and cozy out in outer space ,
without the hassle of having to get
dressed up in their spacesuits,
finding a place to park, and maybeb
dealing with hostile natives
armed with pitchforks or machine guns.

And after watching the
Andrew Zimmern guy on TV’s “Bizarre Foods”,
………….. I bet they’d worry
more about US eating THEM .

Still, it makes ya wonder.

Recently some ex-military officers
held a news conference about
how UFO’s were buzzing
around secure missile oph
installations and such.

They said that nukes were somehow
put on standby and disabled by these crafts…
— and the military hushed it all up.

But, there are so many distortions
and publicity stunts in the media now,
who’s gonna know what to believe?

How many times a year does some farmer
catch a kid with a couple of strings
and some logs making crop circles
to hoax his neighbors?

Hoaxes are endemic in this culture..mars
–and some of it, I’m guess,
is propagated by government.

This is the whole doctrine of
keeping a populace so confused,
they don’t know whether to scratch or run.

And I wish my French was good enough
to explain what I really think of the media in this country.

There’s no language like French for serious cussin’ .

It is an interesting concept, still….air

These little green men zipping by
in their Ferrari Spaceships suddenly
decide to mess with NORAD control stations …..

If it was true,

… not only would there be a worldwide
“we’re not alone in the Universe”
eureka moment –

Would it also mean these alien guys wereplan
either very friendly, or hopeless kibbitzers ??

And what else would that mean
that they have had a hand in….

Maybe it was a little green man
that convinced Hitler to hold back at Dunkirk –
or to open a second front in Russia.

Maybe it was a little green man
that gave Einstein that formula E-MC2 —
— or that goofy haircut.

Maybe little green men incognito
are actually running our radio and TV stations….

…………. that certainly would explain a lot.

Hmmmmm…..

As for me, I don’t preclude the whole idea
of UFO’s messing with our weapons systems.

Any self respectin’ alien with thecooltruck
capability would do the same…
wouldn’t you?

Lets say that bozo who lives a coupla doors
down builds himself a weapon that
could blow up the whole neighborhood …

….. and you had the ability to mess it up
sufficiently so it wouldn’t –

Would you use it?

Sure you would.

It’s called self preservation. stupid

They can’t just sit around
and watch while we blast ourselves
into negative ex-tance …..

…. polluting the whole galaxy with
radioactive fallout and minute particles
of the remains of old Fords and used styrofoam.

And even if —

by blowing ourselves up-
we didn’t blow THEM up too-

where are them alien guys gonna
get all the hillbillies they need forinsuarnce
their valuable rectal probe
experiments with us gone?

The thing is….
… if these aliens are half as intelligent
as they’d need to be to get here in the first place..

I figure they’d have sense enough
to know to stay as far away from us as possible.

As I said, I always kinda figured
we’re sorta like the North Philly of the Milky Way.

You only go there if you’re armed to the teeth
and need something you can’t get anywhere else.

And what have we got that they ain’t got?

John Coltrane records…

Mom’s Key Lime Pie …..

….. or Redheads, maybe?

redhead

HOY !!!!!