Cooking Claptrap

It’s always nice to
get interesting
picture submissions —
although sometimes,
it can be an exercise
in ambivalence.

My friend Jen was nice
enough to send me a
couple of vintage recipe
cards that made me
very happy,
and awful queasy,
at the same time. 

After all —
the above recipe card
calls for making
something called
” Crown Roast
Of Frankfurters “-

— in other words,
Hot Dog-A-La-Fancy-Pants.

I dunno how many words
I can find to express my
horror at this idea, but :

YUCK
REPULSIVE
GROSS
OVERBLOWN
and NASTY
come immediately to mind.

We’re not even gonna try
to deduce what that
off-white whipped looking
crap ( with pimentos? )
is on top of that mess —

Carrots?
Yeah,
so maybe they’re carrots.

Even worse.

Oh, and look —
it’s got Broccoli, too.

Can you say :
Burn The Cook At The Stake ?

Yeah.
Simple torture’s not good
enough for him, man.

Look.
I don’t have anything
against hot-dogs….

I love a giant all-beef dog
served Chicago style.

But don’t crap in my bowl
and tell me it’s
molasses and oatmeal.

That’s just wrong,
man, wrong.

And then,
for a side course,
I guess you could have
the ‘Jello and Limp
Leftover Vegetables’ salad…..

AUUUUGGGGHHH
— my poor digital tummy !!!!!!

I’m almost speechless at
the level of feeble, uninspired,
commercialized-crapola-cooking
shown in these recipes.

What I can say is –
these aren’t the only
horrible vintage
recipes out there.

And you can rest assured,
we here at the
Muscleheaded Blog
will keep you updated
and informed about ’em
as we find em.

Hey-
we’re only doing our duty.

!!!!! CHEERS !!!!!!

It’s On The Map

Whenever I travel,
I like to raid the
postcard racks
in the local gift shops
and see if there
are any forgotten
‘vintage’ ones still
in there —

–you’d be surprised
how many times you’ll
find some old goodies –

– which goes to show
just how long ago it was
that anybody actually
took inventory in the place,

(or dusted, for that matter)
I guess….

They probably just change
the ALL POSTCARDS ___
(price) sign once in a while.

That’s quite
all right with me.

Finding almost anything
vintage in those places
is preferable —
— except when it
comes to tourist MAPS.

Now, out of date maps
may look cool,
and
be very collectible–

— but usually,
they’re worthless in
helping you find your
way around a strange city.

Yes, I AM A MAP GUY —

I don’t like or even trust
those consumer quality
GPS systems —

oh no….

— one missed update,
and you’re lost —

you might as well
just have an outdated map,
without the benefits
of cool graphics
and collectibility.

And when you think
about it, old maps can
be a lot of fun
as long
as you don’t really
need directions.

Being a Florida boy,
it was quite common
to see maps that pointed
people to ‘attractions’
that were no longer extant —

— still being stocked
and sold for a good
long time after.

Some places have left
absolutely no other
trace of them ever
even being there —

except on the maps
of the time, and,
of course,
the postcards
of the place.

Combine the two,
and whammo

— you got today’s post.

And no update required !

Hey,
whatdaya want
for nuthin, anyway?

!!! HOY !!!!!

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It’s Enough to Gag Ya

vintageHey…

I know you have a
busy schedule and all,
but you’d better start
keeping track of the
more important ones,
ya know……

 

After all,
June 10th
is National Purple
Kumquat Day.

I hope you got all
your decorations
up for it,

cause otherwise
Koolio the Purple
Kumquat Day Koala
will be very, very angry…..

…. and you’ll find yourself
on the list.

And you don’t want
THAT to happen.

Actually, I ended
up on that list
one year,
….. and found
something like this,
hanging on
my festive
bamboo tree.a11

Yes, it’s a vintage
1950’s toilet seat cover –

Back then,
home-owners gifted
with a particularly
unique sense
of scatological mirth
could put it
on their guest room toilet,
for the purpose of having
some innocent fun —

…… and maybe,
depending on the guest,
I would venture to guess,
to get the rules straight.

Peeing on the floor
is such bad formaqgag
from a stranger, ya know.

Welcome to the world
of what they used to
call ‘gag’ gifts —

…..from back in the days
when things like this
would make women blush
and men howl with laughter.

Umm, yeah.

Har-dee-Har Har.

I do gotta admit
you don’t see
stuff like that around
much anymore.

I remember when they’d
be an obligatory part of any
grown-up’s birthday party —

….. and us kids would just
shake our heads
and pretend
we didn’t get the
adult’s cornball
humor.

I’ve gotten my share
of these kinds of
gifts, myself.

A girl I was dating
gave me one of these –

pek

I don’t remember
if it was before,
or after we got…
errrr….  well acquainted.

a1

I’m thinking ‘after‘.

It looks like that one’s
from the 1970’s or so,
but I also found its
grand-daddy from the 1940’s.

I know a lot of you
share my innate sense
of scientific and
historical curiosity…..

And as far as I can see,
the whole ‘size doesn’t matter’
adage hasn’t changed
|much over the years.

It’s always been
total horseshit.

Still, I’ve got nothing
against being a teaser.

Hey, it’s a grow-er,
not a show-er, man.

But, mocking a male’s deep
seated genitalia-inferiority
complex was just one of the
many ways these gag gifts
could make one the
life of the party.

Sure–

there’s plenty of gags
aimed at women’sflats
complexes, too.

This one has a brightly covered box that advertises a do-it-yourself ‘flats fixed” kit.

Inside — what else — rubber falsies.

Somehow, that joke just wouldn’t carry one of
my parties these days,
but it musta been worth
the .79 cents back then.highball

Speaking of parties, I remember the old folks, when they’d throw a broohaha, would always be talking about having “High Balls”.

Then, I started hearing about even more exotic stuff— like ‘Sex On The Beach’, ‘Buttery Nipples’, and “Slow Comfortable Screws’.

When I was all grown up, I was bound and determined to find out what kinda ultra sexy,
demented, underground
thing they were talking about….

It turned out that they
were just talking about booze.

High Balls, Cock Tails,
Screws, Nipples…..
all the same thing.

What a let down.

And, that, in essence,
is what these ‘gag’ gifts are all about.

Feeling a wonderful sense of expectation, followed by a humiliating let-down.

Like the year I was told,
on the sly, that I
was getting a new
motorcycle for Christmas.

And I did get one.

I still have it.pinkpanther

Here it is.

Actually, it’s a Corgi ‘Pink Panther’ motorcycle toy–

British made, and somewhat collectible in the U.S. now.

I wasn’t impressed at the time, though.

Misleading might be an
accurate description of most ‘gag’ gifts…

b1I know,

I must be a bit gullible,
……. but those things always get me.

And, to add insult to injury, they’re still making the damned things.

Here’s something the manufacturers call a “Remote Control for Women”.

It claims to be able to ‘make her do what you want’.

It has controls for ‘forgive’, ‘forget’, ‘sex’, ‘beer’, ‘moaning’, ‘remove clothes’,
…. and much, much more.

Also a ‘hurry up’ button,
along with one that’s labeled ‘calm down’.

And, of course, a ‘mute’ button.

That thing couldn’t possibly work.

Could it ? ?

Ummmmm…………

.

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