Don’t you find
seems to be a
blind spot for
one’s own backyard.
I find it relatively easy
to relate to people
from all over the world–
I still find that
even some parts
of my own country
and culture are a
complete enigma to me.
Despite having been to:
(where it’s hard to find a
decent steak for some reason)
(where they got Big Drillers
with little pet penguins)
(it really is some Big Sky, man)
I’m not even mentioning Butte.
( that’s another place
they named after
that same girl,
I think.. )
Despite the fact
that they wouldn’t let me
into John Wayne’s secret vaults
in the basement of the Alamo.
( Just ask Pee-Wee about that
if you don’t believe me. )
either individual eccentric anomalies,
characters out of fiction or movies,
or a thing of the past.
Having just recently returned
from 4 days in the heart
of cowboy country, though,
I now know better,
…. and that it ain’t true t’all.
I understand that having
made that kinda mistake,
But I’m not.
I’m a big dumb Southerner,
— thank you.
There’s actually a huge swath of this land,
especially west of the Mississippi River—
and I apologize that I
ever thought different.
All them ten-gallon hat jokes
being some kind of
that I’ve been makin’ all these years,
— I hereby withdraw,
retract, and utterly disavow.
( You know, because there isn’t time. )
Not for a moment,
will that ever pass my lips.
And that one about
why cow girls walk bowlegged —
( because cowboys like to eat with their hats on. )
On no account,
will I ever again refer
to cowboy romance as:
And until pigs fly,
I will forever forgo making
a connection between
bushy, brown mustaches and the song:
“Looking For Love
In All The Wrong Places”.
….. and I’m just not havin’ it.
because they were so
darn tootin’ nice to me out there.
Somebody even gifted me a brand new Stetson….
Wearing it makes me look as out of place as
Moe from “The Three Stooges”
—on the nude version
of “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”.
it might just be the haircut,
who knows. )
In order to make amends,
And what I thought,
–being the contrary bastard that I am,
I would call ‘Cowpoke Catchphrases’.
Not much difference, right?
as she would say:
” Don’t worry about
biting off more than you can chew,
……because your mouth
is probably a whole lot bigger
than you’d think. “
Sally had initially emailed me
about a post I did years ago
‘Wicked Dangerous Sports’ —
— and gave me some
very funny Western Words of Wisdom:
“The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.”
I can feel myself getting distracted.
I love the humor
and the practical approach
to life these aphorisms reflect.
There’s also a uniquely
American aspect to this kinda wisdom, too.
I dunno where these have been
when I really needed them, though.
” If you happen to find yourself in a ditch,
the first thing to do is stop digging. “
I think I could use that
adage a lot as I’m writing my posts.
And, after having a couple conversations with her,
I think I’ve come to realize
the truth of another one of her sayings:
” There are two lines of thought
about how to successfully argue with a woman-
………… and neither of them works worth a damn. “
Hey, these cowpunchers really ARE smart.
They’re sorta like Sages of the Sagebrush.
——- and so like the
sword of Damocles
as you get older…
……. like death was something
that only happened to
people who were scared of it.
But then in my late 30’s,
I started to notice a trend…..
— it seemed like people
were just dropping in their tracks..
As I got into my fifties,
I started going to more funerals
than to Christenings……
There were those who fell sick,
and agonizingly slowly passed
to the other side,
-and those hurt- sure-
— but the sudden ones-
‘Cause we just don’t wanna think
about Ole Mr Death anymore than we have to.
And I guess that’s perfectly natural…
— since just the mere glimpse of him
can really make you want to stay
tucked up safely in yer nice warm bed –
Talk about a double negative.
The thought that the individual consciousness
might someday just screech to a sudden halt –
— maybe cause of something stupid
you thought was a good idea,
maybe cause it was your time to go…
But in the end,
I figure you gotta
look at it this way.
——- is just another dead man walking.
All of us are on borrowed time.
Our Creator drew us each a timeline…
— and nothing’s gonna change it,
when the ink runs out on that line.
‘Cause, you –
or me, or that person
who’s been stealing
your lunch at work –
— might not be here for the next moment.
And, I’d really like to see you enjoy yerself.
So…. here’s a coupla adages
that might keep
you in the moment.
Tell everybody you love
just how you feel.
Tell em. Don’t be skeered.
Tell em, dammit.
You’re on borrowed time –
but you don’t have to pay
it back– so use it ALL up.
Stop worrying about
what’s wrong with you,
and have fun with what’s left.
Your enemies only win
when you quit. —
Keep going even if it’s just
to spite the bastards.
If the bear is going to eat you anyway,
there’s no sense trying to protect your IPod.
Property are just things.
If you fucked up, tell the world…
and enjoy doing it.
They already know you ain’t perfect,
but then, neither are they.
Nobody ever lies on the deathbed
wishing they spent more time at work.
Enjoy your life.
If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Sometimes it still don’t work out.
But that means, that sometimes it does.
There ain’t nobody in this world like you..
you are as individual as a snowflake..
…. try to be warmer than that, though.
Family is as close as you get to having something permanent..
–keep them as close as you can.
Remember- they may be irritating,
but you’re all nuts felled from the same tree.
Jello makes a great snack,
no matter what condition you find
yourself in– as long as you keep it cold….
Warm Jello is nothing but sugar water.
Life, women and whitewater are
never gonna do things your way.
Go with the flow.
Living your dreams
is great when you asleep.
When you’re awake,
live your life.
There are two kinds of itches..
the kind you should just go ahead and scratch,
—— and the kind you should
avoid scratching at all costs.
Know the difference.
Sometimes the cure
for what ails ya is a little adrenaline.
Worried about your bills?
Take your first skydive to put it all in perspective.
— It’s amazing what kinda solutions
you’ll come up with as you’re falling
to a potentially very hard and sudden stop.
( Just remember – eventually,
that very hard, sudden stop will come, skydiving or no. )
If anybody ever
laughs at you,
laugh at them back.
–Chances are good
they’re a much bigger
clown than you, anyway.
Do what you love, how you want to do it.
Forget the haters. It’s not their life, it’s yours.
You know, you can try and try to
make those around you feel
content and happy, but if they
don’t appreciate you, just remember this:
You can’t live your life for someone who won’t live theirs.
Stay away from places that drag your soul through the mud.
— examples: Las Vegas, depression, your ex’s beach house.
You’ve got five senses, buddy,
and you ain’t using them all.
Turn it UP.
If you’re lonely, it’s ’cause
you aren’t with somebody.
Go out among the masses and smile.
You won’t be alone long.
Just cause someone ain’t perfect
for you for all eternity doesn’t mean
they won’t be fun right now.
There are 400 million lonely people out there–
— you can’t find one? Please.
And, remember, your Ole Uncle Nuts loves ya.
So that’s one right there.
And , we can’t close this post
without yer Ole Uncle Nuts’
rule numero uno:
” Hey – whatdaya got to lose….
— you don’t really own it NOW. “
!!! HOY !!!