They Think You’re Crazy Anyway

Smile.

The truth is that
the downsides
of life never hurt
as bad as they can
until you forget
how to smile.

I dunno where I
first heard that,
but it rings true
more as I get
older than ever.

Smiling through
pain, heartache,
criticism, stress,
and life’s various
and sundry
difficulties not
only ends up making
you happier, but
gives you a better
chance at successfully
coming out the other
side.

I don’t think
it works on
Doctor Death,
but hell, I’m
gonna try it
when I eventually
run into him.

I figure,
what do I got
to lose ?

It’s sorta like
jumping right
before a runaway
elevator hits the
bottom floor…
no sense worrying
about your knees
in that situation,
is there?

Turn up the music
and turn on the smile.

Pass the Bourbon,
the Absinthe, or
the Bacardi and
lime.

Invite your friends-
and have a party.
( I’ll be right over )

Not that it’s easy
to keep smiling when
the landlord’s revoking
your lease for playing
your music too loud,
your liquor cabinet has
now been emptied of
it’s contents by your
constant partying,
your car’s being
repossessed by
the Pep Boys, and
the IRS has decided
to use your tax refund
to help solve the
national debt ;

— man,
I totally relate.

Just forget all
that for a mo —

and remember how
weird-ed out other
folks get when you
shouldn’t be
smiling,
but are, anyway.

No matter what
they say at that point,
they’re always gonna
think you’re at least
half-crazy, and I find,
at least, that the
world’s a lot easier
to deal with when
everybody believes
that.

If it’s somebody at
work or a relative is
getting under your skin
while you’re trying to
cope, just try to
imagine them
being in the same
situation you are,
and then totally
screwing the pooch
emotionally, mentally,
and physically.

Even imagining them
accidentally wetting
themselves is not
out of the question-

-hey, desperate times
call for desperate
measures, ya know.

If that don’t make
you laugh, well,
you’re just
no fun
anymore.

!!! HOY !!!

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Do Something

death As anybody who’s
ever read this here
Muscleheaded Blog
knows, I’m no
philosopher.

It’s not my
place/role/
mission/avocation
to break our existence
down into it’s several
component parts,

and explain daffy
each one
of them in a way
that they can be
clearly understood
and appreciated.

Nope.

And it’s not
given to me
to offer
sage advice
on important down
matters
of life and love.

Nope.

Hell,
I wouldn’t
take any
of my own advice….

so,tophat
I see no reason
why anybody
else should.

For all I know
this thing of
ours that
we call life
is nothing but
a colossal circle-jerk
or some kind of
supernal
misunderstanding.

What was that
question about the
meaning of life?

Ahhh —

well, I dunno,
you might try
the IRS toll freea2
information line.

(That’s assuming they’re
not on furlough again),
if you call
three times
and ask the
same question,
I bet you’ll get
at least three
different answers
from them, too.

That’s not much
of a ideology
upon which to base
constructive suggestions,
I would think.

Nope.

My job is simplyiam
to laugh at it all.

And I spend a good deal
of time and energy
trying to fulfill my role
in that respect.

I’m not saying
it’s a tough job
or anything —
there’s so much
that is genuinely funny,dwig
either on the baser, gut level,
or on a more existential one.

Life isn’t easy —
— and if you can’t laugh at it,

well–
how much harder
does that make it, then?

I say, laugh…
’cause you can bet
that our cosmic
audience is, already.

I mean, sure —
it’s nice to be
able to say
that I’m gonna
change this,
or I’m gonna do
that different —wakeup

And on a personal level,
that’s perfectly practical,
and commendable.

But outside of that,
we’re all just
being washed slowly
down the universal river
without a paddle —

— no chance to eddy out on this ride.

People, places, and things
are just part of the
scenery sliding past.

So, if you get a chance to laugh
at the occasional
squirrel trying to
fuck an oak tree,
my advice is to
have at it, man.rest

Laugh,
I mean —

— but if you really
want a crack at that
old oak tree, yourself,
well…

… just watch out for
those damned splinters.

HOY !!!!

munson

Crazy-Bad Attitudes

1905-codeAll of us get
those days when,
for one reason
or another,
we’re not feeling
all that wonderful,

— and maybe
our attitude isn’t
the best either…..

And when I get
a day like that,crazy
I find that
it can easily escalate
into a real bad day —
— often for person,
(or persons)
other than just me.

It’s just hard
to keep
your trap shut
and your hands
at your sidecrazy
when people
come at you
without the slightest
understanding
of how much danger
they’re putting
themselves in.

Awww…..
you shouldn’t
have oughta gone,chopper
and done thaaaaaaat…..

Nuts.

Well,
hey, man,
cheer up…

you still got
your _____________.
(fill in the blank)dwig

I know it’s
cliché as hell,

…. but remembering
how much better
you’re off than a lot
of other people
(we won’t mention
any names)
will at least prove that
you’re not some ungrateful
selfish self absorbed bastard.

Well,
ok,
you’re not.

Remember —
when you’re unhappy,legs

— all you really need
is something that makes you happy.

Everything on your body might hurt,

your mind might be
going to mush,

your spirit might
be communing
with the ghost of
Edgar Allen Poe,nurse

your emotional state
might make you crazier
than a waltzing bed bug,

your job might be as
rewarding as a dirty Q-Tip,

your sex life might not have
enough shades of gray
to count on one hand,

your friends
might be talking
about cremating you
while you’re still alive —

But it’s still way
better than the
fuckin’ alternative.thendont

And remember
the old story
about the guy
who goes to doctor —

Jabbing himself
in the arm
with his own finger,
the guy says:

It hurts when I do that.”

The Doctor looks at him
for a minute, and then says:

Don’t DO that !
Next patient 
! ”

Often, (not always,
of course)
when we’re feeling bad,
it’s from stuff we’re doing
to ourselves,
or at the very least,july5
making worse.

So stop doing that.

Buck up.

And I’ll do the same.

HOY!

.

“Stop It” Skit by Bob Newhart from Tim Tolosa on Vimeo.

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Ooops I Did It Again

HumiliationYou know,
your mother tried
to warn you about it
a long time ago.

Remember?

She told you…
always wear clean underwear

….. cause you never know
when you’re gonna get
in an accident.

She wanted to save you
from the bane of all mankind –car

HUMILIATION.

The forcible, unexpected,
and totally embarrassing
humbling of a human being:

……. from a proud, strong,
potent individual ——

to a grovelling, quivering bowl
of jello looking for a place to
hide his shame.

And, even assuming
you do wear clean
underwear,

(… which would
be very nice,
thank you ….)

there are gonna be times
when humilation is gonna
happen to you,

whether you could do
anything to avoid it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, here.

I’m not saying humiliation
doesn’t serve a potentially
useful function for society.

There are people who need
one heapin’ helpin’ bleach
of humility on a
continual basis.

Unfortunately, it never seems
to happen to them.

Instead, it always seems to
happen to nice guys like
you and me.

But maybe it’ll help to
talk about it, huh?
google
Yeah..
that’s me…
Mister Helpful.

Let’s say you’re on a first date
with this new cutie you met
at the Quickie Lube.

It’s a poshy restaurant,
where Garçon knows
your name and even
what you drink.

(Wild Turkey
on the rocks)gramps

You figure
that’ll go a long way
to impress her.

Conversation flowing nicely.

She likes dogs,
you like dogs.

She likes movies,
you like movies.

She likes lobster,
you order it for her.

It’s going swimmingly,
until you off handedly
remark that Betty Freidan
was no better of a writer
than she looked.ironcity

And now,
you’re wearing that
expensive 1997 M. Chapoutier
La Mordorée Côte-Rôtie….

— it’s dripping from every
facial orifice…
and your pocket feminist has stormed out.

What do you do?

Sure, you could blush
redder than cheap Sangria,
mop your face immediately,
and beat feet outta there, too.

But, you got your pride.james

Hey, buddy-
she just threw $300 bucks
of grape juice in yer face,
you know?

Not to mention you
haven’t touched your
Wild Turkey.

Or—
you could let it drip,
smile, wave at the sommelier-
and tell him in a calm,
modulated voice- that:

“although she didnt
like the wine,
I think it’s wonderful, please
bring me another of the same –
and MORE TURKEY.

Now you can daub,
very calmly, very carefully.

Just like James Bond.

Shaken, but not stirred.

You are cool, man.lol

You gotta stay cool..
you gotta keep your
cockyness.

A lot of people find
having a colonoscopy
humilating…

so much so, they get
put to sleep while
they endure it.

Not me.moth

I tell the Doctor I want to
compare the experience
with the time I was picked
up by aliens.

You gotta stay loose.

It doesnt matter what
the source of the humiliation —

— If your dental plate comes
out while you are arguing with
some creeps in a bar, start yelling:
“I’LL GUM YA BASTARDS!!!”

If the rolled up sock comes
outta your shorts while
you’re on the leg press –
(we all know what it’s
doing there, don’t we?) –

— smile, pick it up and
put it back.

After all, you weren’t fooling
anybody, anyway, pal.

If you run into an old girlfriend
on a busy street while strolling
with your new prospective hottie,

and she loudly reminds you
of all the weight you’ve gained
since she last saw ya —-

You can joke that the best weight
you lost was that 130 pounds of HER.

Caught wearing shortsstiffy
during a sudden snowstorm?

A mere bag o shells, my friend.

Look at everybody
and smirk like they’re
wimps for shiverin in their coats.

Bad haircut?

Oh hell…
why suffer needlessly?
Buy a hat.

Clap or laugh
at the wrong time?

Keep it up until everybody wtf
else figures they should
be, too.

That girl in the bar tell ya
that you remind her of
her dear departed ole
Grandpop?

Ask her if he was
as good in bed as you are.

Lose your bathing suit at
Waikiki Beach in high waves?emb

I mean, you cant stay
out there all day….
and there’s not enough
sea weed for a makeshift
hula skirt.

Do I what I did.

Wave surf in
on your tummy,
and then run like hell
for your towel.

Oh,
and don’t forget to smile.

!!! HOY !!!

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