Cocktails Anyone

a1I had a brilliant
comedian friend
back in the 1970’s and 1980’s

( I’m afraid we have
lost touch completely since )

named Woody Woodbury–

— whose favorite punchline
was:
” Booze — is the only Answer. “

Actually, when I
first started blogging,

I had stolen my
wrap-up
line from Woody
— which was:
“Surf’s UP ! “ —

and some of you
might remember
old sign off line:
” Stay Away From
The Snack Bar
” –

— which was a take off
on another one of his.

Hell,
he’s a very funny guy,bar
and he did influence
me greatly,

so I figured
he wouldn’t mind…
… all that much, anyway.

The truth be told,
“Hoy” is basically a
boiled down version
of all those other ones.

Knowing him, I bet
Woody is still performing
in Fort Lauderdale,
probably somewherebad
down on the
Galt Ocean Mile,

…. and if you should go down
US-1 South far enough there to
reach my old stompin grounds,
you need definitely to go
see him perform.

You will laugh your ass off.

And you can tell him that
“The Count” sent you.boila

(It’s a long story. )

He might buy you a drink.
He might go “HUH, WHO?”
Or he might throw you out.
Who knows.

(That’s even a longer story.)

Anyhoo…

While listening to one ofboil
Woody’s hilarious party
records this morning,

I was struck by the notion
that the whole Booze thing
was another good subject
to rip off for my blog.

After all,
booze and humor
go together like
hot sauce and condoms,

(errr–
something like that…)

and bars in general
have a long tradition
of relevant print art —
and the vintage stuff
can really be fun to look at.goodluck

We’re not just talking
about advertisements, now–

Actually, more like things
like bar napkins and such.

What?

You didn’t know
about printed bar napkins?job

Are you even
old enough to drink?

For crying out loud.

Ahem.

They don’t have to
be dirty to dirty
be interesting–

They can have
all kinds of different stuff
printed on them,
including,
of course,
the name and address
of the bar in question —

Often people will save themmermaid
as keepsakes or souvenirs…

to remember a particular place,
a particular person or persons,
or a particular situation….

Well, I think
you probably
know what I mean.

But to me,
dirty content
is almost
always better…

It strains the memory less.

So, as you might have
already figured,

today we’re featuring the
(at one time, at least)
ubiquitous snappy bar nappy.

Bars are very unique places
as you should probably know….

And featuring just
the right appurtenances
will give the placenapkin
that certain
je ne sais quoi .

You gotta have
the special
house drink
for instance..

for most of the places
I go into,zombie
that’s some
kinda play
on a Zombie.

— I dunno how
that’s telling
or appropriate,
but I guess it is.

Hey-
I’d buy you
one or two ride
— sure.

And once
those things
kicked in,
well —

Hoo boy…..

There goes
another kitten
off to the sandbox.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!

yours

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Do We Get Letters ?

lettersLetters ?

Do we get letters,
— you ask?

Sure,
we get letters, man.

Boy,
howdy,
do we…..

Do we?

Ummm, yes,

Err….
I guess we get letters.

Well,

let’s pretend
we get em, anyway,

….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..

hey,
what bearing
does reality
have to anything
these days, anyway?

So —a2

YES, we do get letters. 

Thanks for asking.

Like this next —
completely authentic,
bona-fide,
genuine,
unscripted–

and not in any
way, shape, or form–
fabricated,
faked,
half-baked,
concocted,
redacted,
dreamt up,
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
otherwise spurious
letter–

(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):

.

Dear Mister Muscleheaded:

I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.

Any suggestions?

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert

PS… The ‘T’s are silent.

.

Well, Mister Maydupt,candy

I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.

Certainly ,
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.

Assuming- of course –
that you mean:

‘go to bed with you’
VOLUNTARILY,
and for FREE.lettera

(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,

but we’ll go with it —

Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,

and,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.

Do me a favor —
if you’ve ever used the pickup line:barf
“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”,
please forget this blog altogether.)

Ahem.

As I was saying…

There are two main approaches.

One involves taking the
time to get to know her,travel

and let her get to know you —

spending time together,
learning about her background,
her passions,
her tastes,
and such.

If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.

The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.

(The internet version
of this approach,
of course, would be tohat
send some girl
a disembodied picture
of your dick,

…. although the type of
instant gratification
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)

While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,

I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,

— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.

Hmmmm…. ok.

chemistryPickup lines have a long and storied history —

— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.

But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….

And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.

And a lot has to do with the delivery.

— no matter how good the line is —

if it’s being delivered by somebodywood
who slobbers all over himself
like Quasimodo,

— it might not turn her on.

So, by all means,

— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.

Chicks dig that.

Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,

feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.

Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–

Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar
home simultaneously.

Ahem.ash

.

1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”

2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”

3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”

4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”

5: “Girl, you look so good, I could put
you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!”tailwag

6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”

7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”

8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway
.”

10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”

11: “Wow! Are them things real?”line

12: “You know, the more I drunk
I am, the prettier you get!”

13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”

14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”

.

And in times of absolute desperation,ap

— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,

you can use this one–

….which is guaranteed to get….

well,

at least a reaction of some kind,

— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
ummm…
right ?

15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,

…. but I am also the only one
talking to you.

.

That’s all of it….

By now, you should befirefly
on easy street, huh?

So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,

from Chico Marx,

( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)

I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth

genwarts