Friday Mailbag

It’s weird….

Here we are
October already,
and I’ve barely
gotten a tan yet.

I guess
I’m gonna
have to break
out my old
trusty , dusty
sun lamp –

otherwise,
I’ll be as
pale as under-done
buttermilk biscuits
by December.

I’m actually a big
fan of autumn,
but I have to get
my head around it
and these damned
Christmas TV
commercials
aren’t helping.

I noticed the first
one way back in
the beginning of
September ……

Now, I know I
piss and moan
about it every year,
but doesn’t it seem
like a third of a year
to get ready for Xmas
is just a little
ridiculous ?

Oh, I know….
It’s just me.

Fine.

Maybe if I didn’t
get coal in my
stocking,
so carefully
hung by the
fireplace
every year,
that might make
a difference,
I dunno.

And that
TV commercial
I mentioned
that ran
back in
September ….

It was for
a plastic
tree.

Yes, sir…
nothing’ll put ya
in the mood for
Christmas like the
piquant aroma of
polyvinylchloride.

Nuts.

The truth is that
I wouldn’t
mind celebrating
the holiday
if it got half
as sexy as the
cards on today’s
post….

So,
anyway…..
I figured
I’d surrender
to the whole
4 months
of Christmas thing
and bring you
these cards that
really do Christmas
Muscleheaded style.

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!!! Enjoy !!!

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Christmas Left Overs

If you’re a dedicated Muscleheaded
reader, you know that one of our
official blog motto around here is:

“Omnia moderata,
nec moderatio.”

Ok, now–
technically,

— that thought :

“Everything in moderation,
including moderation”

isn’t quite right, either.good

It should actually read:

“Nihil moderatum”

“Nothing In Moderation”.

Not quite the same, you see.

‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.

Especially
when it’s said in
a dead language
that hardly anybody
understands.clowns

Hey-

If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
from ‘Lentils’.

Sine scientia
ars nihil est….
— right ?bed

Ahem.

( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.

It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )

Anyway….

As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
by now,

Here’s a couple left over
bizarre things from
Christmas .1

Sorry,
but…..

…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.

I mean,
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.

The more I get to
thinking  about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….

Hmmmm……

Still,
plenty to choose from.

And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…

Assuming they ever didsmoking
to begin with.

Bad girls,
— smoking in front of Santa.

You never heard
of second hand smoke?

That poor guy’s got
emphysema now.

Jeeez..
have some respect.

You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.

Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.

Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.

It’s not really surprising
that some kids really
hated posing with Santa.santa

Sometimes,
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.

Hey kid,
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????

Hooo boy,
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.

As for this next card,aweird

well….

I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….

I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.

But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.

Of all the lost references,
confusing messages,
and general weirdness
found in Christmas cards,bikersanta

I find the vintage
ones the strangest.

Santas on
motorcycles, too.

And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….

the DYI Santa,creepynun

the clowns,

………. or the happy Nun.

Like I said,

I went to Parochial School —

I KNOW about Nuns.

And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
WATCH OUT.

HOY!!
.

running away

Liver Soup

It’s a natural, man.

Feasting around the
holidays, I mean.

It’s the one time
of the year when I
have access to all
my favorite foods
without any
considerations
whatsoever —

— for caloric content,
nutritional information,
difficulty of preparation,
etc, etc, etc.

If I love it-
somebody in my family
is going to be making it,
or buying it,
or bringing it–

— and all I have to do
is be there to consume it.

Brother-
if that ain’t a holiday,
I don’t know what is.

Perogies and kielbasa-
— hot from the pot ?

Yes, please.

Did you say
another Guinness ?

Well, sure –
why not ?

Irish scone?
Love one.

Hey-
any of those
Philadelphia
pretzels left ?

Oh, I already
ate all of them.

No worries –
my sister will be
arriving with
reinforcements
any time now.

My son is coming
in the door with a case
of Blenheim ginger ale —

– that’ll be history
by tomorrow.

Yes, of course,
the red cap , man.

There’s nobody scared
of a little ginger
around here.

Anyhoo,
several friends of mine
(thanks, Katie, Jen, Syn)
were nice enough to
send me pictures that
relate to food in some way-

– and I can’t think
of a more
perfect day to post em.

Ewww………

Liver Soup ??

Anyhoo….

Christmas is getting closer
and closer, and the cookies
are piling up already ……….

So I’d better get going and
do my part to make
some space for more.

!!! HOY !!!

Reining-In Horsepower For Christmas

As I was thinking about
how to approach this week’s
Saturday Car post, I got
to wondering what kinda car
Santa would have if he didn’t
have the advantages of
reindeer-provided horse-power.

And exactly what is the
conversion rate from
‘RP’ to ‘HP’,
for that matter ?

The Canadians and Scandinavians
will tell you that a reindeer
has about twice the pulling
power of the average horse
(which is theoretically
considered to be “1 HP” ) –
– and we’d still need to
consider traction, torque
and wheel slip when
getting back to car terms.

Of course, if we’re talking
about Caribou versus Clydesdale, who knows
just how that’d turn out.

Still, the below-average Yugo
should still beat em both.

Just don’t tell them
reindeers that, though —

they’ve got a pretty
bad temper, apparently.

How their temperament
would improve horsepower
ratings is also anyone’s guess.

But you gotta assume extra
rutting hormones will certainly
convert to higher power to
the ground.

And that brings up a
supplemental problem
when dealing with this
whole issue —

Since reindeer,
at least the ones Santa
employs, are dealing more
with air speed
than ground speed.

In other words-
Thrust
(always a good thing)
oh,
and of course,
Lift — .
(also very helpful)

I’m not really sure
that galloping motion
you always see them
making with their hooves
while they’re flying
develops any real thrust
at all.

And since the average reindeer
weighs 350 pounds —
lift might be something
very tricky to achieve
considering the
non-aerodynamic shapes
in question.

You add Santa, a sleigh,
a shitload of presents,
and a heavy thermos of
mocha Java
( his favorite )
and you might
as well ask
an Abrams Tank
to take wing.

Wow,
this is suddenly getting
very, very complex indeed.

Ahem.

Getting back to the car post
for just a mo, tho —

Here’s a mildly interesting
and lesser known trivia
question for you –

How many cars were
actually named
after Santa’s reindeers ?

(uhh– don’t take the
‘named after’ thing
too seriously)

Well….

1: The original 1974
Volkswagen ‘Passat’
was called the ‘Dasher ‘
in the U.S.

.

2: Ford/Lincoln-Mercury
made the ‘Comet’
between 1960 and 1977.

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3: Between 1986 and 1989, the
‘Vixen’ , an American R-V
made in Pontiac, Michigan
and powered by a BMW 2.4
liter in-line 6 cylinder turbo
charged diesel engine–
which is to be best
remembered for it’s
spaciousness despite having an
extremely low center of gravity.

.

4: In 1909, Benz and Cie
of Mannheim, Germany
created the ‘Blitzen Benz ‘ —
which broke the world land
speed record in 1911 at Daytona
– with an impressive 141 miles
per hour.

.

And in the new remake of National Lampoon’s
“Vacation”, the producers have created
a new fictional automotive legend capable
of shaming both the Yugo and the Family
Truckster —

— an Albanian made
minivan called a
‘Tartan Prancer’ .

So… ,
not counting the
movie one, and
granting only a
generous half a point
for the RV —
the answer is:
3 and a half. 

.

Oh, you say you
wanna check me?

Ok-
There was:

Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen .

You find a car manufacturer
making a Renault Rudolph
or a Diahatsu Dancer and I’ll
concede defeat.

Otherwise,
!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!

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