Oh, Not One Of Those

ridjidIt’s Christmas
morning,
and it’s that
yearly
time of
reckoning —

–to see
if you figured
out how to gift your
special someone
with that special
something .

And somethin’
tells me
that some lady
of you
fucked it
completely up –
– again.

Please,
please –
– tell me you didn’t
fall into the holiday
ad trap.

Advertisers have a
knack for presenting
their products
at Christmastimesuck
that would lead a
man to the crackpot
conclusion that
buying her
something that
you ordinarily would
consider everyday
household equipment
is a great idea
for a holiday present.

And such bad ideassilverware
on what to
get her have been
featured in advertising
for decades ……

… and you ain’t learned
YET ?

Man, –
whatever else
you do –
don’t listen to the ads.

Woe to you,
my friend,stuff
if you have been
wooed by the siren
songs of :

“happier households
with a Hoover” —

“crock pots
make her hot” ,

“silverware for
your sweetie”,

or even a
“mixer for
your mistress”.

‘Cause that vacuum cleanerhoover
you gift her for Christmas
2018 will be the only thing
that’s going to get any
sucking action in 2019.

You will have violated
the unspoken rule :

— been
hornswoggled,
hoaxed,
and hoodwinked,

— you will have
tread upon
the devil himself’s
threshing floor,

— and dared
the angels
to reap righteous
vengeance
upon the
other male
members of
your previously
happy home.

Yes,
I pity the fool.

Remember,
for next year —
Rule Number 7
Section 4,
Subsection G
in the Man’s
Handbook :

“When in doubt,
buy her
booze,
jewelry,
or lingerie.”blacklabel

And gifting
her all three
will almost
guarantee a
very kicky
holiday
weekend,
indeed.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

.

fredericks

 

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Christmas With Donald McGill

Regular readers of
this crazy, mixed
up digitized,
blogified world
called the
Muscleheaded Blog
will remember the
work of a certain
British illustrator
from the early
20th Century
named
Donald McGill –

– and that he was
called the
“King Of The
Saucy Postcard
“.

Well, it’ll probably
come as no surprise
that he did some fun
Christmas themed
cards as well —

– with maybe a little
extra cranberry sauce
thrown in for good
measure.

(Hi Feve ! )

I’ve always found
the flirty undertone
of the holiday
one of the more
interesting features
of it, and
apparently,
I’m not
alone in that.

These McGill cards
sold millions in
Great Britain, Canada
and the United States.

Several were placed
on local censorship lists,
but to my knowledge,
none in the U.S.

It’s really amazing
anybody could get
that worked up by
these harmless
cartoons and
their captions-

and yet-
I still get an
email once in a while
complaining about
silliness like that.

And blue-noses,
for some reason,
are even more
sensitive around
Christmas time –

– imagine ,
a holiday
that originated in a
fertility festival
bringing out a
castration urge ?

Hooo boy….

… doesn’t make
much sense,
does it?

But it’s cool
with me if they
don’t like what
we post, really.

They can
just steer
their browser
in totally
different
direction,

— and leave
‘we happy few
who like such
things to our
own devices.

No,
not that
kinda device,
man.

Unless
you’re
really into it.

Or if it’s
just too
damn quiet
around
the house.

Hey,
two’s company
and one’s
a total drag.

I feel ya.

Just remember-

– extra batteries are
always a good idea
around this time
of year.

‘Nuff said?

Buzz, buzz.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Friday Mailbag

It’s weird….

Here we are
October already,
and I’ve barely
gotten a tan yet.

I guess
I’m gonna
have to break
out my old
trusty , dusty
sun lamp –

otherwise,
I’ll be as
pale as under-done
buttermilk biscuits
by December.

I’m actually a big
fan of autumn,
but I have to get
my head around it
and these damned
Christmas TV
commercials
aren’t helping.

I noticed the first
one way back in
the beginning of
September ……

Now, I know I
piss and moan
about it every year,
but doesn’t it seem
like a third of a year
to get ready for Xmas
is just a little
ridiculous ?

Oh, I know….
It’s just me.

Fine.

Maybe if I didn’t
get coal in my
stocking,
so carefully
hung by the
fireplace
every year,
that might make
a difference,
I dunno.

And that
TV commercial
I mentioned
that ran
back in
September ….

It was for
a plastic
tree.

Yes, sir…
nothing’ll put ya
in the mood for
Christmas like the
piquant aroma of
polyvinylchloride.

Nuts.

The truth is that
I wouldn’t
mind celebrating
the holiday
if it got half
as sexy as the
cards on today’s
post….

So,
anyway…..
I figured
I’d surrender
to the whole
4 months
of Christmas thing
and bring you
these cards that
really do Christmas
Muscleheaded style.

.

!!! Enjoy !!!

.

Christmas Left Overs

If you’re a dedicated Muscleheaded
reader, you know that one of our
official blog motto around here is:

“Omnia moderata,
nec moderatio.”

Ok, now–
technically,

— that thought :

“Everything in moderation,
including moderation”

isn’t quite right, either.good

It should actually read:

“Nihil moderatum”

“Nothing In Moderation”.

Not quite the same, you see.

‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.

Especially
when it’s said in
a dead language
that hardly anybody
understands.clowns

Hey-

If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
from ‘Lentils’.

Sine scientia
ars nihil est….
— right ?bed

Ahem.

( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.

It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )

Anyway….

As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
by now,

Here’s a couple left over
bizarre things from
Christmas .1

Sorry,
but…..

…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.

I mean,
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.

The more I get to
thinking  about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….

Hmmmm……

Still,
plenty to choose from.

And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…

Assuming they ever didsmoking
to begin with.

Bad girls,
— smoking in front of Santa.

You never heard
of second hand smoke?

That poor guy’s got
emphysema now.

Jeeez..
have some respect.

You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.

Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.

Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.

It’s not really surprising
that some kids really
hated posing with Santa.santa

Sometimes,
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.

Hey kid,
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????

Hooo boy,
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.

As for this next card,aweird

well….

I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….

I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.

But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.

Of all the lost references,
confusing messages,
and general weirdness
found in Christmas cards,bikersanta

I find the vintage
ones the strangest.

Santas on
motorcycles, too.

And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….

the DYI Santa,creepynun

the clowns,

………. or the happy Nun.

Like I said,

I went to Parochial School —

I KNOW about Nuns.

And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
WATCH OUT.

HOY!!
.

running away

Liver Soup

It’s a natural, man.

Feasting around the
holidays, I mean.

It’s the one time
of the year when I
have access to all
my favorite foods
without any
considerations
whatsoever —

— for caloric content,
nutritional information,
difficulty of preparation,
etc, etc, etc.

If I love it-
somebody in my family
is going to be making it,
or buying it,
or bringing it–

— and all I have to do
is be there to consume it.

Brother-
if that ain’t a holiday,
I don’t know what is.

Perogies and kielbasa-
— hot from the pot ?

Yes, please.

Did you say
another Guinness ?

Well, sure –
why not ?

Irish scone?
Love one.

Hey-
any of those
Philadelphia
pretzels left ?

Oh, I already
ate all of them.

No worries –
my sister will be
arriving with
reinforcements
any time now.

My son is coming
in the door with a case
of Blenheim ginger ale —

– that’ll be history
by tomorrow.

Yes, of course,
the red cap , man.

There’s nobody scared
of a little ginger
around here.

Anyhoo,
several friends of mine
(thanks, Katie, Jen, Syn)
were nice enough to
send me pictures that
relate to food in some way-

– and I can’t think
of a more
perfect day to post em.

Ewww………

Liver Soup ??

Anyhoo….

Christmas is getting closer
and closer, and the cookies
are piling up already ……….

So I’d better get going and
do my part to make
some space for more.

!!! HOY !!!