It’s that time again, my friends —
It’s Christmas in July.
I’m not sayin’ that you should run out and buy presents for all your friends and relatives, though.
(Although, I could sure use some stuff –
— but none of this crap.)
All I’m just sayin, is that:
should that gift-giving desire hit you —
Why not consider something that will fully express that sick sense of humor of yours?
It’s a great way to find out just who likes you,
— and who thinks you’re just a big weirdo.
If they laugh and enjoy it, they like you.
(That doesn’t change the fact that you really ARE a big weirdo)
Those people are keepers.
If they just look at you and go:
” What the hellllllllllllll ???? “,
—-then you know you can scratch them off your REAL Christmas list.
But it’s worth it, either way —
Because we both know that joke gifts are always better when given to someone completely lacking in the sense of humor department–
Especially at the office.
You can only hope to get that singularly sublime blank “I don’t get it” look—
…. that makes spending thirty bucks on a bacon flavored pillow or a rubber duck that yells “Don’t Shoot!” when it’s put in water well worth the money.
What makes it so great is that you’re just bringing out the real person inside–
—- for everyone around the office to see, share, and enjoy.
And joke gifts have come a long way from the old stand-bys like poo-poo cushions and singing fish plaques.
You can now go totally high tech with your joke gift, and make everyone around know that you, for one, take such mundane trivia very seriously indeed.
One look at the wireless magnetic dinner napkin retriever ($79.99) and people will understand that, here, is a gift-giver of distinction and taste.
one of these indispensable T.P. dispensers — only $49.99.
you coulda just wasted your money on things like food, medicine, and clothes otherwise.
Go fer it, man.
The most essential element of good gag-gifting is understanding your vict…. errr…. I mean….. your recipient.
Every office has a Mister know-it-all, for instance.
Now, I’m not saying knowledge ain’t a good thing,
—- especially when it comes to high falootin’ stuff like grammar, math, and science.
But since I don’t know anything about any of those,
—- it kinda pisses me off when somebody in the office does,
and then uses that superior knowledge to correct me.
Here’s a perfect gift for one of them guys.
It’s a Science Challenge Clock.
And what you gotta do is solve the problem, before you can know what time it is.
Or you can kinda just look at the hand position—
…. but believe me, with a Mister Know It All, that just won’t do.
This gift sorta serves two purposes…
One, it gives the recipient something useful to do, other than to sit around and correct YOU.
Two, it tells the world — or maybe warns the world — about just what kinda guy you got here.
One of them.
And I know you got one of those wise-guys at work who always has to have the latest computer gadget or electronic gizmo — ain’t that right?
I bet he don’t have one of these.
Yes, it’s a toaster that you hook up to your computer’s USB port .
The local fire marshal is just bound to love this little item, so why not save it until right before he visits your office next time?
Then, just hook it up to your lucky recipient’s computer, and watch the fun.
Guaranteed to cause bewilderment, befuddlement, and downright discombobulation.
Sure that’s a fucking word. Look it up.
Well, let’s deal with that irritatingly vegetarian macro-biotic-voodoo vegan who does nothing but whine about meat and people who are fortunate enough to have a taste for it.
I’m sure this gift will communicate the message you’ve been itchin’ to send–
… despite being,
well, pretty much a waste of an awful lot of valuable TV commercial time….
It’s called a Bacon Bowl Maker….
…… and it’s so worthless that even the Huffington Post doesn’t like it, and they’ll swallow just about anything.
But in this case, I think you’ve found the perfect use for it.
Mistletoe to Go.
What can I say about this product ?
But, as I’m fully aware of the fact that Christmas in July is just a state of mind,
and that the real Christmas has thankfully long come and gone,
I just want to remind you that the ‘space invader’ in your office is still very much present and accounted for.
You know who I mean….
That guy or girl in your office who loves to hug you and always wants to feel your biceps …
…… or other stuff.
Oh sure, there’s always a pretext.
It never makes any sense, but there’s always a pretext.
So why not give ’em one.
At least you can see ’em coming now.