The Daily Retro: B.O.

bo

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You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”

and

“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”

.

Really,
meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors

Hmmm….

Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?

No….

Uhhh…
In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

Basically,
smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.

.

Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.

.

OR

twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.

.

OR

tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.

Yeah…..

You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )

.

OR:

henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.

.

OR

cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.

.

OR

aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.

.

Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

And,
as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………

outthere

I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .

a1a

Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.

.

girlscouts

.

 

You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
love-deprived
friend,
read on.

OK!

Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.

.

First,
Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?

aiko

Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

.

2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

Hey-
you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.

.

3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?

shop-vac-r

Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )

.

4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?

a

Honestly,
I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.

.

5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.

.

6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??

sexy

Sure,
it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???

NO.

Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )

.

Well, if you answered:
YES, MAYBE, or
ALL OF THE ABOVE
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

.

 

Do We Get Letters ?

lettersLetters ?

Do we get letters,
— you ask?

Sure,
we get letters, man.

Boy,
howdy,
do we…..

Do we?

Ummm, yes,

Err….
I guess we get letters.

Well,

let’s pretend
we get em, anyway,

….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..

hey,
what bearing
does reality
have to anything
these days, anyway?

So —a2

YES, we do get letters. 

Thanks for asking.

Like this next —
completely authentic,
bona-fide,
genuine,
unscripted–

and not in any
way, shape, or form–
fabricated,
faked,
half-baked,
concocted,
redacted,
dreamt up,
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
otherwise spurious
letter–

(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):

.

Dear Mister Muscleheaded:

I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.

Any suggestions?

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert

PS… The ‘T’s are silent.

.

Well, Mister Maydupt,candy

I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.

Certainly ,
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.

Assuming- of course –
that you mean:

‘go to bed with you’
VOLUNTARILY,
and for FREE.lettera

(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,

but we’ll go with it —

Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,

and,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.

Do me a favor —
if you’ve ever used the pickup line:barf
“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”,
please forget this blog altogether.)

Ahem.

As I was saying…

There are two main approaches.

One involves taking the
time to get to know her,travel

and let her get to know you —

spending time together,
learning about her background,
her passions,
her tastes,
and such.

If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.

The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.

(The internet version
of this approach,
of course, would be tohat
send some girl
a disembodied picture
of your dick,

…. although the type of
instant gratification
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)

While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,

I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,

— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.

Hmmmm…. ok.

chemistryPickup lines have a long and storied history —

— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.

But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….

And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.

And a lot has to do with the delivery.

— no matter how good the line is —

if it’s being delivered by somebodywood
who slobbers all over himself
like Quasimodo,

— it might not turn her on.

So, by all means,

— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.

Chicks dig that.

Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,

feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.

Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–

Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar
home simultaneously.

Ahem.ash

.

1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”

2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”

3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”

4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”

5: “Girl, you look so good, I could put
you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!”tailwag

6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”

7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”

8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway
.”

10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”

11: “Wow! Are them things real?”line

12: “You know, the more I drunk
I am, the prettier you get!”

13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”

14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”

.

And in times of absolute desperation,ap

— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,

you can use this one–

….which is guaranteed to get….

well,

at least a reaction of some kind,

— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
ummm…
right ?

15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,

…. but I am also the only one
talking to you.

.

That’s all of it….

By now, you should befirefly
on easy street, huh?

So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,

from Chico Marx,

( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)

I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth

genwarts

That’s Your Body Speaking

maeI love to observe people,
and what they unconsciously
communicate with their bodies.

Sometimes it makes
me wonder —
— do they realize what
they’re saying ?

If you expect a person
that you really don’t know
to be honest with you,

you should really look atbody
their body language
to tell you the truth.

It is a well known fact that men and women
use a wide variety of gestures
while paying attention to another.

Most gestures are used
subconsciously and unknowingly…………….

And of course,
the issue that’s most important to us men is :

What are body language signals?chest

How can men use their body language
to understand and attract more women?

Well, social scientists who study Kinesics
say that attractive women
only take a few seconds
to determine whether or not
a man is worth a moment of their time.

They are usually looking for a
sexually attractive, attentive and confident man…

….. and these unconscious decisions
rely on feelings that are based on the manseyes
body language and tone of his voice.

Most men look at what words
and pick up lines they say to a women,
when in actuality,
how you say the words–
the tone and body language used,
are much more important factors.

.

Studies indicate four clear indicators
that should be used by men
when interested in attracting a particular woman:

.peanuts

EYES:
Hold eye contact with her longer than she does.

If a women looks at you-
hold her eye contact until she looks away.

If you look away first,
you are making a huge mistake.

Show in the first contact
that you have no fear of holding her eyes.

Oh, and be sure to control
your impulse to look… other places.

.alphadog

.

BODY:
Use a very confident posture
in your body language.

Learn to feel totally self confident
and your body language will take on this quality.

Push out your chest a little and stand tall.

Take up more room with your body language posture.

Be extra careful not to send the
wrong message with your posture.

.80

.

MOVEMENT:
Move slowly and purposefully.

Learn to use more slow movements
and wide gestures.

Control your space.

Use cool slow movements
and do not make nervous gestures.

Feel totally comfortable in your skin
and project power.

Imagine this if it is not true.donknotts

.

.

VOICE:
Use a deeper slower body language voice tone.

Learn to speak deeper
from the diaphragm and speak slower.

Try this and you will find women
say your voice is sexy and it turns them on.

Pause more for effect as this
make you sound more content and confident.

.finger

.

Now,
let’s say you’ve mastered these four …

…………. how do you tell her
you’re interested,
or spot her interest in you?

There are some body language
indicators that both sexes
use to show interest……….

many are easy to read–

others, not so much–a
unless you’re looking
for them.

So pay attention…

somebody’s probably
is trying to tell you something.

.

Raised eyebrows.
When we see a person
that we consider attractive,
we begin raising and lowering our eyebrows.

If the person also feels drawn to you,
his eyebrows will also start eyebrows
going up and down.

This gesture lasts only 1/5 of a second
but it takes place all the time,
with people of both sexes and all ages.

This “eye making” can be easily left unnoticed,
but if you do notice it,
you will certainly be given 100% of the person’s attention.

.

.bloodandsand

Slightly opened lips.
If a person likes you, his or her lips
automatically open the moment your eyes meet.

The motion here is often very subtle,
but is automatic, and thus, pretty reliable.

The parting of the lips will be fleeting,
usually gone within a split second,

so again, you must be looking for it, or you’ll miss it,

and it is an important indicator of his/her interest.

.

.

Standing at attention.

If a man is standing straight,lassie
with his shoulders squared
and with his belt tightened,

….this is subconsciously interpreted
by the female as a preening movement:

He’s thought to be trying to show himself
in all his masculine beauty.

If he is leaning forward to hear
what the woman is saying, it is even more effective.

It all boils down to the attention you could be paying her.

If a woman is slouching
as she is speaking with a man,
she is showing that she is not interested
in him as a potential mate.

.a1

.

Adjusting the clothes.
Ladies, if a man is adjusting his tie,
he really hopes that you will notice it.

He may also sleek his hair,
pull down his jacket,
see if his lapels are in the right place.

When a man is playing with the buttons
of his jacket he’s probably nervous.

Using this gesture he’s also trying
to demonstrate his wish to get undressed for you.

The next stage is when he takes his jacket off
and places his arms on his hips.

If he has used all these gestures,
it means he’s already imaginingdontcare
your shoes under his bed.

Guys, a woman preening her appearance,
straightening her dress,
adjusting her outfit, etc,
is a strong indicator of interest—

….and if she takes off her shoes in your presence,
you have made her feel comfortable enough
with you that she’s mentally
already decided you’re suitable.

Suitable for what, well,
that’s the question now.

.

.

Playing with the hair. crazy
In order to show her sympathy
towards a man, a woman makes a
movement with her head
to get her hair off her face.

She may also move it aside with her hand.

She tries to send the same signal
by licking her lips.

By the way, men also like sprucing up
while talking to a woman.

At the same time a woman will never miss
a chance to count the number of times
a man sleeks or bristles up his hairaaa
during the conversation.

.

.

Voyeurism.
A man is openly trying to show
that he’s examining the woman’s body….

….by casting some looks
at its most beautiful parts.

Despite the fact, of course,
that he already automatically
scanned your figure the first second he saw you.

All he wants to do now is to let you know
that he considers you as a good choice
for a sexual partner.

.miller

.

Crossing the legs.
If the toes of a person’s shoes
are pointed at you,
he or she is certainly interested in you.

If you point your knee towards the person
you’re interested in, you’ll demonstrate
that you’re ready for a closer relationship.

One of the most captivating poses is
when a woman is sitting with her legs
crossed under herself and her knees
are exposed to the person she’s talking to.

It means she’s wants a man to take more decisive steps.

.

.aaaa

Playing around with cylindrical objects.

A man, as well as a woman, when excited,
will definitely find a glass or even a fork
to stroke it or to touch it with his fingers.

Cylindrical objects remind men
of the woman’s breasts, and the
women of the man’s genitals.

A woman’s wrist has always been
considered one of the erogenous zones.

When a woman is interested in a man
she’ll try to keep her palms
and her wrists in the man’s sight.

.

.

Touching the face. 1
If a person is interested in you,
he’ll keep touching his chin,
his ears and his cheeks.
It means that he or she is
subconsciously fixing the lines.

This is a combination of
nervous and autoerotic actions.

When we’re interested in somebody,
our lips and the lower part of the face
become very sensitive to stimulation.

If you’re smoking,
you’ll begin inhaling more often.a1a

If you’re drinking something,
you’ll begin taking more sips.

You enjoy touching your lips,
and what is more, you let the
other person know
that a kiss is not far off.

.

.

Now, if all this
technical mumbo-jumbo
doesn’t end up working for you—

You can always
go back to basics, ya know.

a2

.

!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!