Back to the dentist again….
Getting older sucks, man.
Another one of my teeth
have suddenly decided to retire.
And not quietly, either.
So, here, I sit,
my face all swollen,
catching little drops of blood
dribbling slowly down
one corner of my mouth in a plastic cup.
I spent most of what
would have been a
pretty, sunny afternoon
having my dentist
poke, prod, and pulverize
the lower half of my jaw
with various weapons of
And despite having my
Ipod turned up loud enough
to burst the little speakers
in my earphones,
…..I could still distinctly hear
the sounds of teeth cracking,
jaw heaving, and dentist grunting.
Never mind the sensation,
— of which I will have
practically nothing nice to say,
But I will admit to ranking my willingness
to undergo such a thing again only
slightly ahead of having Rosie O’Donnell
give me a full body Brazilian wax.
So, you can probably figure
I ain’t gonna do that anytime soon..
…… without being bound head and foot.
They practically had to do that this time.
Actually, the dentist and his staff
were the nicest part
of the whole thing.
I’m not a fan of the dentist–
don’t get me wrong.
I got to that point early, let me tell you.
You’ve heard of painless dentists, right?
Well, Navy dentists in particular
are the complete opposite of that concept.
If it doesn’t hurt,
and you ain’t screamin’ your ass off,
— that just means to him
that he must not be doing it right.
So my current Dentist is
not on my active hit list.
Give the devil his due, ya know.
I remember a story about a lady
going to a dentist for her first visit,
……and as the dentist stooped over her,
she grabbed his cajones .
” Madam, ” the dentist said,
trying to remain calm,
” I think you have your hands
on one of my private, sensitive areas ….”
The lady smiles up at him and says:
“ Yes, and now that
we’re so intimately acquainted,
.…. we are both going to be careful
not to hurt each other, aren’t we ? ”
All I’m saying is
that it’s a tough job.
I had been putting off having these
problem teeth looked at for some time,
…. hoping against hope
that they would be satisfied
with simply causing me
a bit of pain, and
not raise much more
hell than that.
Well, one decided to go
completely ape shit ,
spreading it’s mining activities
to the surrounding nerves and teeth —
…..until, in a surprisingly
short amount of time,
my whole bottom rack o’ teefers was
as sensitive as a cat’s tail after a day
in a roomful of rocking chairs.
The last straw was
on a late night flight,
while biting a grape —
— yes, one goofy little grape —
that somehow was able to generate
a level of pain that was last seen
during the Spanish Inquisition.
” Are you alright ? “,
— that’s what the lovely
Flight Attendant was saying.
All I heard were the roaring of hooves–
— of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It’s amazing how much noise such a
little thing like a tooth can make-
— and cause enough pain to make a
275 pound Powerlifter wanna cry
like a baby for his Mama.
And I woulda, too,
if I thought she had
a couple of Vicodins on her.
As it was, I decided that
I’d better go see a professional.
The most amusing part
of the day was relatively early on….
He was happily tapping on teeth
on the wrong side of my mouth,
trying to figure out exactly what
and where I was complaining about…
and I was perfectly happy
with him doing it, too.
It was only when
he got to the sore side–
He said to me…
“Oh. This might hurt a bit“.
Then he tapped the tooth
at the center of the
whole oral conspiracy.
Now, I’ve never been a crier,
or a shouter, or a howler,
or any of the rest of that stuff….
At least not when I’m in pain,
either for fun or otherwise.
I like to remain stoic.
Stoicism on this occasion was right out.
I yelped like my ass was on fire.
This prompted the pretty
dental assistant to hold my hand.
It didn’t help…
……… she had to let go
because I almost broke her wrist.
I’m not saying it hurt, exactly.
I was determined
to write down my impressions,
so you, dear reader,
can somehow benefit from my experience,
…….. should you ever be
a silly enough goofball
to expect a sore tooth
to just magically go away
and stop botherin’ ya.
That’s jest crazy, man.
Take it from the guy who
just got out of the asylum.
And, to pass along my favorite dentist joke,
….which notably, my own dentist
didn’t think was at all funny.
A dentist examines a patient
and then says to him:
“That tooth’s gotta come out.
I’m going to have to give you a shot of Novocain.”
The guy grabs the dentist’s arm,
“No way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!”
So the dentist says,
“Okay, we can go with N.O. gas.”
The man replies,
“No, No.. That stuff makes me
very sick for a couple of days.
You can’t use gas on me, either .”
So the dentist steps out and
comes back with a glass of water and a tablet.
” Here ya go…. take this little blue pill. ”
The man asks “Ummmm…..
What is it?”
The doc replies, “Viagra.”
Surprised, the man asks:
” Will that stuff really kill the pain ?”
replies the dentist:
“but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth!”
Maybe I shoulda told that joke AFTER he worked on me.