Innuendo and Intimations

Important
Announcement:

Our readers
have spoken.

In the rampage
row and riot
(ok, maybe that’s
a bit overstating
it, I’ll admit )

of response
and comments
regarding
our post
C*NSORSHIP

We have
definitely
determined
one thing.

What this
blog needs
is much
more :
double-entendres,
and
more :
suggestive,
nuanced,
salacious,
ribald,
titillating
( hmmm,
there’s something
about that word
that I really like
the sound of
)
content .

Ok, so maybe
that’s just my
interpretation,
ya know…..

But I’ve always
felt that a blogger
should always
write about
what they know —

– and what
they feel
down deep
( in their heart ).

And I can’t think
of any theme that
does my heart good
like this one does.

Just makes me feel
warm all over.

And it’s nice to
know that, despite
being a tiny minority
of peeples, our readers
mostly feel the same
way about it.

So,

(I know it’s a
pretty big step,
but here goes…. )

after extended
negotiations with
the mythical and
totally fictional
higher-ups here at
the also totally
fictional and even
more mythical
Muscleheaded
Industries…

I’ve decided to
add another formal
motto to our
Muscleheaded Blog
approved list of
official slogans.

Yes,
now,
in addition to
such important
and solemn
sayings as :

” Say No To Snow ”
( Number one three
years in a row…. )

” Stay Away From
The Snack Bar ”

(A moldy oldie
but a goodie… )

” Too Much
Ain’t Enough ”

( I think they made
a movie about that
one…. )

and ..
“Make Love
Not Cole Slaw”
(not really our best work)

We now proudly
add this one:

” If It Ain’t Got
A Zing, It Don’t
Do A Thing. “

Ok-
so maybe it doesn’t
have the emotional
impact and creative
genius of a
“Say No To Snow”

and maybe
we coulda
put more work
into the whole thing,
rather than just
ripping off a
Duke Ellington
song title from
the 1940’s….

Yeah,
ok, so
there’s that.

But we felt that
our other
potential choices,
like:
“Bring On The Nubiles”
(another song
title rip-off)
or
“Lick The Screen
If You Like It”
,
were still a little
off the mark as far
as our newly rejuvenated
approach to provocative
posts, like this one.

(There is something
weirdly appealing
about the idea of our
readers licking their
monitors, but we’ll
save that for another
day.)

So, the new slogan
stands, and hurray
for that.

Let’s just
run it up
the flagpole
and see who
salutes,
like I always say.

And remember,
friends:

” If It Ain’t Got A… ”

wait…

what was that
stupid thing again?

.

!!! HOY !!!

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Posting Some Posers

” What gets longer when
pulled, fits snugly
between the breasts,
slides neatly into a
hole, can choke people
when carelessly applied,
and works well when
jerked? “

Ahhh —
It’s a riddle.

Sometimes we catch
ourselves doing the
same ole thing
round here at the
Muscleheaded
Blog —

– and especially
considering
that repetition
can get pretty ….
well, repetitious.

However, the positive
response that the recent
“riddle” post got kinda
set me going —

– sort of like a redhead’s
warm whisper in my ear –

– “post some more posers“.

An imaginary redhead,
sure, but the gust of air
still tickled me right
down deep into my
empty brain cavity.

Hey, imagination
can be a groovy
thing, sometimes.

So- in honor of that
figmental ginger gust,
here’s some half-dirty
conundrums to put
your imagination to
work upon.

Oh, and the
answer to the
first one is “Seat Belt “..

although I’m sure you
mighta came up with
another answer
altogether, and who
can blame ya?

Just remember
that I already
tole ya that these were
only half-dirty.

OK?

OK.

Oh,
and PS:

The cards on today’s
post are ‘cigarette cards’
from the early 1900’s –

– a brand called
“Perfection Cigarettes”,
based in North Carolina,
issued them along with
every pack.

The answer was included
on the back of the card,
as in the following
example.

Why is a street door
like a beer barrel ?

Because it is often
tapped.

Ahem.

On with the
half-dirty ones.

.

All men have one, but it’s longer on some than others. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife once they’re married.

( His last name )

.

I start with a “p” and ends with “o-r-n,” and I’m a major player in the film industry. What am I?

(Popcorn )

.

I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

(Your nose )

.

I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

(Peanut Butter )

.

What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse?

(Talk )

.

I’m a big part of many dates. I’m especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?

( Bowling )

.

What’s messy and can be really annoying and/or tricky to clean up after sex?

( Feelings )

.

Ain’t THAT
the truth ?

!!! HOY !!!

The Ins and Outres

If you know
anything about
this here Muscleheaded
Blog, you know that I love
to mind-meld with my
friends here on WP and
swap (swipe) their ideas.

Of course,
after we’re
done with it around
here, they may not
even recognize their
idea anymore.

So we always
make a point
of crediting
( embarrassing )
them with a little
recognition for what,
before we got a holt
of it, anyway, was a
perfectly sane and
creative idea.

Jules
this one
is all
your fault.

Ahem.

Today, we look at
the many levels of
what makes us
laugh —

– from a secretive and
subtle tee-hee much
favored among the shy
inhibited type –
( inhibitions are like
putting cheez-whiz
on a steak  )

– to a mild titter –
(who could
argue with
a little titter
once in a while )

– and the semi-muffled
guffaw –
( some misunderstandings
might occur, depending
on the source of the
aforesaid muffling )

– through the unabashed
cackle –
( I knew a girl once that
could cackle so loud it
could hard-boil an egg )

– all the way up to the
full belly laugh –
(which isn’t all that
good for your
digestion right after
meals, especially steak
nachos with cheez-whiz. )

Now, while you
might wonder
what all these
cheez-whiz references
have to do with our
subject today ,
and clearly,
none,
other than a memory
of recent nightmarish
visit to Pat’s Steaks
with a distant relative
during a road trip ……

…. why anyone would
do THAT to
an otherwise
(barely) acceptable
“steak-um” with
sauteed onions
and peppers
is beyond me.

Funny?

Well, try to visualize
a very large drunk
person eating a huge
steak sandwich while
dripping bright
orange colored 
artificial cheese
all over his new
official Eagles
football jersey and
you might acquire the
image that I’m stuck
with the rest of my
natural life.

I think that’s the
kind of humor they
call ‘ droll ‘ .

Still, there’s plenty
of other choices for
things to laugh at
if you’re not into
droll trolls drooling…..

I’m a fan of slapstick 
humor,

( A girl I used to know
named Donna used to
do a version of that
whenever she was mad
at me, but it didn’t seem
very funny to me …. )

as long as it
doesn’t involve
permanent damage to
the spinal column
or two months in a
penile splint .

Stuff shouldn’t be
forced to bend in
certain ways, so just
try to keep your
taqaandan practice
to a minimum.

I dunno if you’d call
that reference an
example of ‘jocular’
or ‘side-splitting’
humor……

Lost, yet ?

Ah well….
this blog is a good
example of another
kind of humor —

what my Aunt Sarah
used to call waggish

by which she meant
that nobody else ever
got my jokes, and that
I was simply amusing
myself.

She was so wise,
that lady, that I
wanted to marry her
when I was young…..
but she wouldn’t wear
that purple teddy
I bought her.

Alright —
that, there is called
outré humor….
and refers to jokes
that might shock folks
because they fall outside
normal propriety .

Yes, we really do like
that stuff around here.

Which points as straight
as an arrow to why we
chose the cards we did
to go along with our
little head trip today.

Enjoy.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Putting A Spin On Pool

” If you hit the ball
like that,
you’ll make it. “

Billiards is a game
that is internationally
popular….

And they’ve
been making postcards
to cash in on the game’s
popularity for a
long time —

At least
120 years.

And
there are
an endless supply
of double-entendre
captions and
implications that go
right along with that.

Just what we really
love around here.

Hey,
any game with racks,
holes, sticks, and balls
is bound to get a little
English spun on it,
right?

Sure,
you can call
it POOL ,
you can call it
8 BALL,
you can call it
CUE BALL,
or you can get
all fancy and call it
BILLIARDS………

Actually, once you
start playing, you find
there are all kinds of
variations that use
the sort of table, cue, balls,
and other stuff in different
ways —

There are games like:
Snooker
Three Cushion
Five Pins
Kelly Pool
Straight Rail
Cutthroat
Kaisa
Pyramid
Carom
Nine Ball
One Pocket
British Pool
et al.

You’d need a very big
book o’ rules to know
how to play most of
these games……..

It’s not just slap any old
ball into any old hole.

Finesse is something
they almost all require.

Aficionados will definitely
call you on the slightest
breach of etiquette, so……..

And I’m told that, if this
isn’t confusing enough,
these different games
can be sub-categorized
into 3 main types :

Carom Style
( doesn’t use pockets )

Snooker Style
( which uses a bigger table)

and what we usually call
“Pool”
(like 8 ball and one pocket).

There’s also
“Bumper Pool”
for those who enjoy
additional obstacles
when playing all
the angles.

I’m confused when I
hear people knock the
game as inappropriate
for young men,
because when you
come right down to it,
the games require an
understanding of
geometry and physics…..

And even more importantly,
as Professor Harold Hill
most eloquently put it :

” Helps ya cultivate
horse sense, and
cool head
and a keen eye. ”

” Did you every take
and try to give an
ironclad leave to
yourself from a three
rail billiard shot? ”

In other words,
one must always think
clearly and considerately
before touching a rack,
or putting his stick and
balls any where near
a desired hole in question.

Which,
seems to me a pretty good
lesson to learn early in life.

Oh shit….

and I thought
this one wasn’t
gonna get dirty.

!!! HOY !!!

Slightly On The Inside

A good joke can have
a lotta components to
it, I guess.

I’ve always found
that visual humor
is by far the best,
for me, anyway,
because it gives me
as much time
as I need to get
the joke.

Speed may kill,
but being slow
can be murder
when it comes
to reacting to
a punchline.

Or ,
put another way,
as Stephen Fry
likes to say:

” He who laughs last,
thinks slowest. “

For instance –
let this one sink in:

I’m sure we’ve all
wondered at one time
or another how much
deeper the ocean
would be without
sponges.

No?

Ok,
try to explain the
50-50-90 rule:

” Anytime you have a
50-50 chance of getting
something right, there’s
a 90% probability you’ll
get it wrong. “.

I dunno –
those percentages
may not add up
all that great….

And I hate math.

Try this:

They’ve come up with a
new politically correct
term for dead folks —

“electroencephalo-
graphically challenged”. 

Too cerebral?

On the other hand,
well,
you have different fingers.

Now, if somebody
just threw one of
those at you
without any warning,
you might be caught
gasping for air like
a pirarucu in the deep
end of the wave pool
while you muddled the
whole thing out.

But, visual humor gives
you precious time to
choose just how the
fuck funny you think
something is.

Or is not.

And I always enjoy
sharing these kinds
of things with
our readers,
and
– of course,
reading their
comments about it.

So, don’t be a buzz-kill,
man —

— drop me a line and
tell me what you like !

Remember:
I may have started out
with nothing, but I still
have most of it.

.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

A Bull Of A Boner

bullofabonerOk–

Yes, I know.

I’m guilty.

I use both ambiguity
and innuendo in my blogs once in a while.

Hey-
What’s wrong
with an occasional one
double entendre,
anyway,
huh ?

Sometimes,
it’s sorta accidental,

– and sometimes,
maybe not so much.

I do love to use ’em,
though,
and I guess
it shows.

But it’s not like
I invented it, man.contagious

This kind of language play
goes way, way back —

Homer’s “Odyssey”
had examples of it.

So did “Lysistrata”
by Aristophanes —

They certainly were responsible
for Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales”big
having such a racy reputation,

— even back in the 14th century.

And the ole Bard ,
— ya know,
William Shakespeare–

mighta been considered just another hack,

if he hadn’t relied
heavily on puns like:

In ‘Henry V’:

“Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.”

.

In ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’:holdout

But I might see Cupid’s fiery shaft
Quenched in the chaste beams of the watery moon.”

or:

“I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all!”

or:

“I’ll ride your horse
as well as I ride you.”play

.

In ‘Romeo and Juliet’:

“O Romeo, that she were,
O that she were an open-arse
And thou a popp’rin’pear.”

.

In ‘Hamlet’:

HAMLET- Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA- No, my lord.
HAMLET- I mean,
my head upon your lap?

OPHELIA- Ay, my lord.
HAMLET- Do you think
I meant country matters?rebus

OPHELIA- I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET- That’s a fair
thought to lie between maids’ legs.

OPHELIA- What is, my lord?
HAMLET- Nothing.

.

Or from ‘Twelfth Night’ :

“By my life, naughty
this is my lady’s hand

these be her very C’s,
her U’s and her T’s

and thus makes she
her great P’s.”

.

And in modern times,

there were celebrities
who made a living
making jokes like that.

.

— Mae West:
“Marriage is a fine institution,
but I’m not ready for an institution”

.

and,edition

— Groucho Marx:
“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

.

Both Groucho and Mae
were past masters of the
double entendre.

Almost anything they said
could be interpreted in
more than one way. sparker

Hence the ‘double’ in …

Oh well,
you get the idea.

These things can be built on simple puns,
or turns of phrase.

They can be based on
antonyms,
synonyms,
homonyms…..

Hell,
any kind of ‘nym’ you want.

Best of all,line
once you get good at it,
you can take just
about anything
and make a
double entendre out of it.

And,
of course,
double entendres
don’t HAVE to be dirty.

(Awwww—-
— you’re just
no fun any more. )

Me,
I just like ’em better
when they’re dirty.

Remember-  milk
Celibacy can be a very hard thing.

Or as Zsa Zsa Gabor once observed:

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he’s finished.”

Ahem.

So today,

I thought
I would slide
some interesting double entendre cards in on you…

You know,
….. run ’em up the flagpole,
and see who salutes.

HOY!

bigscrew1919