Garde Your Manger

fareObscure title, huh?

Not if you work
in the restaurant biz,
it ain’t.

I was having
(or trying to have)
dinner at my local
greasy spoon —

— and it was taking
long enough for Caesar
to have grown his salad
from seed –

– so I inquired about it-
(very nicely, I might add-
— always be kind if you a2
expect to be able to eat
what you order, and
without any ‘special sauce‘).

The manager went back to
find out what was up-
and I heard the cook
yell at her that the wait
couldn’t be helped,
cause he was agnmae
quote: “In The Weeds“.

(We were obviously seated in
the preferred seating section,
(AKA: “Bob Uecker’s table”
— right next to the kitchen ).

She shouted back at him
that she needed that
‘Blue Plate‘ ‘on the fly‘ ,
and to ‘86 the B.S.’ ! ”

Uh huh.
So, what about
MY meal,
I wondered….
athat
— cause I didn’t order
anything blue, or with
flying insects on it.

Further, I didn’t know
diners had combination
plates like the Dragon Palace,
cause I always order
the number 23 there.

Of course, I’m saying this
with some tongue planted
firmly into cheek —

(and that’s a pretty good
arrangement in the right await
kinda company…. )

— since my daughter works
in a restaurant – but, it is
genuinely funny how
different the language
can get in the heat of
the professional kitchen.

Assuming your local
diner qualifies –
which in my case,
I’m not all that sure of.

Ahem.

And, yes, bute
thanks for asking,
I did finally get my
Chicken Caesar salad–

— although just what the
hell I was thinking in
ordering anything fancier
than a scrambled egg
on toast (otherwise known
as ‘wrecked chicks on a raft‘)
or a baked potato
with sour cream
(‘a blonde hot Murphy‘ )
in that dump is beyond me.

Anyhoo– let’s talk about
a couple of the morea1
interesting idioms..

Eggs seem to have several
special terminologies
dedicated to them
depending on the region
and who/what’s cooking:

‘Cackle berries’
‘Egnosticz’

‘Hen Fruit’
‘Googs’
‘Chickies/Chicks/Chicklets’

And you can get them
in a large variety of styles –

‘Wreck Em’
(scrambled )atip

‘Scregged’
( really scrambled)

‘Shell Angels’
(hard boiled)

‘A Hub Cap’
(sunny side up)

‘Scotched’
(breaded, stuffed,
and then deep fried)

‘Puddle in a Golf Ball’
(soft boiled)

‘Dead Eye’
(1 poached )

‘Adam and Eve’
(2 poached)

‘Flop Two’
(fried over easy)

‘Gus-Burgered’
( add hamburger) —

and
‘ Doing The Eggman ‘
( umm– you’ll have to look
that one up for yourself
——  hint: Eric Burdon.
Sorry, I’m got side-tracked)

Ahem.

Hot dogs, too,
as you might expect,
have more than
their fair share —

‘Coney Island Chicken’
‘Bowsers’
‘Bun Pup’
‘Hosers’
‘Tube Steak’
‘Ripper’ (a deep fried hot dog)

And once you start
adding condiments,
well, better bring a
local cook or
at least a lexicon —

Breathe On It ” –
add onion.

Pitch In The Hay ” –
add sauerkraut.

With Frog Sticks “-
add French Fries.

Give It A Hemorrhage ” –
add ketchup.

Paint It Yellow ” –
add mustard.

On The Hoof ” –
cooked rare.

Pittsburgh Style” –
scorched.

Waxed ” –
add American cheese.
(YUK)
Pull Me A Shot
From Hotlanta
” –
add a Coke.

Save The Slush ” –
Ugh, no ice in that Coke.

And, as you can quite
plainly tell, there’s way
too many of these1905
things to list em all….
which, of course,
means you’ll be seeing
a sequel about the
subject soon enough
right here on this
channel, so stay tuned.

In the meantime,
keep yourself
Sunny Side Up ” !

.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

ymoon

 

Advertisements

Bob’s Yer Uncle

Heard in the gym at the end
of a long, long boring story
about buying a truck —

“And Voila-
Bob’s Your Uncle !” 

Ummmm….

Ok, so I guess it goes
without saying,
but I don’t quite
understand expressions
like that one.

We’ll skip the part
about mixed metaphors
and go straight
to the heart
of the matter —

I mean, what would make
anyone think I even had
an uncle named Bob,
( I don’t)
— never mind mention
him in some kinda
self-congratulating way.

” I’ll Be A Monkey’s Uncle “

Fighting words —
— right?

Especially for all my nephews.

” Say Uncle ? “

Who–
are we talking about
my non-existent Uncle Bob?

It makes me almost wish
I did have an Uncle Bob–
so I could defend his honor.

For some reason,
there’s been a lot of
old expressions revolving
around relatives in a
sorta non relative way…..

“… and then I gave him a
“How’s Your Father” right
in the kisser, man.”

Ok– now,
explain to me very slowly
how asking about a guy’s
Dad gives you an excuse
to punch him in the face.

Actually,
it’s also a weird
1920’s reference
to having sex,
although I don’t know
if an incestuous
connection is necessarily
a requirement.

“So’s Your Old Man!”

Oh jeez, man —
— are you another
one of his old drinking
buddies, or what?

No, I cannot loan you five bucks.

And,
Who’s Your Daddy ? ”

— Albeit not a vintage expression,
it’s still just as stupid as the others.

I refuse to discuss my parents
with any knucklehead who uses
an expression like that.

And you’d think if you were trying
to borrow money from his son
you’d know his damned name,
wouldn’t ya ?

Well, I’ll toast to that.

HOY !

 

Express This

happyHow am I doing?

“Living the Dream, Baby.” 

Being a former
Navy man,
I find expressing
myself using terms
that sometimes
maybe aren’t
completely
clear to the
average person.

Like when goat
sometimes
you’re feeling
lost and lonely,
especially around the
hours of O-dark-thirty,
you might equate it
to feeling shipwrecked…..

There’s something
about the sea,
and the solitude,
that makes it sound
like a very familiar
experience to a Sailor,
despite never
having been actually grace
shipwrecked himself.

I guess it’s really
nothing that a
nice long
Hollywood Shower
and some
ChuHi won’t
soothe away, I guess.

And at least
it would be quiet,
anyway.

( But, I’d settle
for some eyeball home
liberty at this point. )

Popular expressions
work like that, too.

Perhaps you’ve never
actually gotten
somebody’s goat.

I mean,
would you reallycat
want somebody
elses’ goat?

And what would
you do with it,
I wonder?

And what about
that damn cat —lay

— how did it get in
the bag in the first place?

It seems to me,
we could have
had that thing
for chow last night,
or could I be mistaken?

Oh well.

Hey–
anybody see
my happy sock?

Alpha Mike Foxtrot,
y’all.

vargas

Irish Slang for Muscleheadeds

Céad míle fáilte !

With St. Patrick’s Day right around the corner, I got to thinking about old acquaintances —

I had an old friend from Cork, Ireland named Helen,

whom I got to know through my sister in Philly.

(and of course,
— the Cork Jazz Festival )

She’d always been a lot of fun, and loved to joke around.

Sometimes, though, I couldn’t make out a word she was saying,

even when she was speaking English.

aIt’s not the lovely brogue mind ya….

…. that takes very little getting used to.

It was the phraseology….

….. we’ll be yappin just deadly and then she’ll use a phrase that will get me brain totally banjanxed.

I’m not coddin ya.

Well……

You know me….

I’m as thick as two short planks….

But, I thought I’d find out just what some of these phrases mean…..
….. and I’m sharin my exhaustive (yeah, raht) research in today’s blog.

Here’s my take on an A-Z Irish Picture Dic ….

An Irish slang phrase will be followed by my idea of it’s definition, and then, in parenthesis, the interpretation most folks give it.

……. and if you find a couple double-entendre’s in there, well….. t’za .

.

.

“Afters”

guinesscake

(dessert)

.

.

“Ball-bag”

aa

(an unlikeable person )

.

.

“Chiseller”

aaa

(a youngster)

.

.

“Dickey Dazzler”

aaaa

( overdressed)

.

.

“Elephants”

drunk

(passed out drunk )

.

.

“Flute”

thor

( male genitalia )

.

.

“Gingernut”

red

( a redheaded person )

.

.

“Happy Out”

nixon

( a pleasing resolution )

.

.

“I’m in me wick”

brenda

(You must be joking!!)

.

.

“Jaded”

kid

(very tired)

.

.

“Kick in the bollocks”

lasvegas

(no further translation necessary)

.

.

“Lurching”

lurching

( a slow romantic dance)

.

.

“Mortaller”

fapper

( a mortal sin)

.

.

“Nip”

nude

(in the nude)

.

.

“Ossified  “

drunk

(Drunk  )

.

.

“Pull “

success

(To have success with a woman)

.

.

” Quare Hawk ”

weirdo

( A strange individual )

.

.

“Ruction”

argu

( a loud quarrel)

.

.

“Scundered”

monkey

(embarrassed)

.

.

“Twistin’ Hay”

mischief

(getting into trouble)

.

” Undie Grundy ”

wedgie

(a wedgie)
.

.

” Vitamin G “

guinness

( Guinness )
.

.

” Whydoncha ! ”

goahead

( you’d better not )

.

.

” Yonks “

vigin

( a long time ago )

.

.

” Zeds “

viagra

(medication )

.

Now, see—

…that was so much better than spending a couple thousand bucks on one of those high tech language teaching systems, right ???

Sure.

The tip jar is by the door.

I’m gonna feck off now, but I’ll be back with more of this mess later.

In the meantime, check out this site if you wanna know more Irish slang:

http://www.irishslang.co.za/

Ok– here’s one more.

” Arseways  ” —-

nodessert

Expanding Your Vocabulation

woofI was in the gym talking to a friend,
just shooting the bull…..

— when a guy whom I didn’t know from Attila the Hun walked by,

did a bit of eaves-dropping,

— and then chimed in with an uninvited and idiotic question about the lat-pull-down machine.

How ‘dis thing give you musculation ?”,
he asked.

Ummmm….. Musculation ?

I dunno.
2I guess I’m gonna need to expand my vocabulation first
“,
I replied.

I’m not sure he understood my answer,

but I did get the desired response,

since he quickly wandered away.

And I guess you already figured that this little event spurred today’s post, right ?

Well, you couldn’t be more right.

loveSo, today—

it’s another episode of the:
Muscleheaded Guide to Expanding Your Vocabulation“.

“Where’s 1, 2 and 3?”, you ask quizzically?

Well, here , here , and ummmmm….. lesssseee….. oh… ………………………………. here .

Never mind that the ‘chapters’ go as well together as Rap “Music” and anything relating to a melody —

….. or that ‘Vanilla Ice’ guy and any kind of talent.1

Or that they’ve got titles that are not anything like the Guide that I’m now claiming that they’re chapters of.

Hey, man…. loosen up.

My son Christopher was the source of these new additions, and he assures me they are actual expressions —

………. and that he hasn’t led me completely astray as to their meanings.

Since he is my son, however, I did check ’em out on the Urban Dictionary, just to be safe.

The apple don’t fall far from the tree, remember.

Ahem.

Feeling Drake: An interesting expression, and it’s kinda hard to figure out from what it’s derived,

roses …… but this refers to that feeling of missing someone who has been lost to you completely by time or circumstances.

It could be an old girlfriend, or

…. it could be that fabulous 1976 Ford Thunderbird with all leather interior, power sun-roof, and 460 ci V-8—

— that sweet lady from New York with the amazing nipples bought you outta the blue for no reason in particular.

( that she would admit to, anyhow…)

Damn, am I Feeling Drake about that car…. and those nipples.

driverSpeaking of cars,

… ahem …

….. this next one is pretty easy to figure out once you’ve heard it in a sentence.

Like this:

Felicia, if you don’t stop being a harassenger, I’m gonna hit the passenger ejection seat button, and you’ll be smeared all over the Southbound lanes of the Florida Turnpike, while I remorselessly proceed much the same as before towards fun in the sun at my beach destination, only with slightly improved fuel economy. “

Harassenger: A ‘back seat driver’. .

aktablets

And yes, for some reason, there does seem to be a lot of first names ending up being used in alternative Pop Culture lingo….

Felicia , for instance.

Felicia: is what they call the person, male or female, who nobody else hates to see leave early from a party or event.

A party-pooper, a downer, a bummer, a buzz-kill, a spoil-sport, a wall-flower, a bag of blues, a big-girl’s blouse, a drag, a kill joy, a gloom-zoom, a twaddler, a stick in the mud, a wet blanket, a third man, an odd one out, a mellow-harsher, the Snuffaluffagus.

Ya know,
….. the kinda person who brings Vicks Vapo-Rub and Lysol to an orgy.

I don’t know who they named this one after,
….. but I’m certainly relieved they came up with a word for it.

Jasmine: I like this one….

bobber

It means a down-to-earth, feminine type girl who isn’t afraid to have fun, be herself and a bit over the top,

…..but doesn’t worry all that much about what people might think of her.

My kid said this about his girl friend,
and I looked at him like he had lost his head….

Since, of course, her name isn’t Jasmine.

I thought a lot about how to make this one funny,
— but it’s just kinda groovy the way it is.

It seems to me that if you know someone like this,
you should appreciate the hell out of her,
and do your best not to let somebody like me find out about her.

Cause,
there’s always room on a man’s motorcycle for a girl like that.

HOY!

vintage