You Can’t Really Lick Leather

blondieWhile I was re-reading
another blogger’s post
about comics and
animation’s dramatis
personae running
for president,
(wait, maybe it was mine)
I suddenly was captured
by an urge to do an expose
on the secret sex lives
of cartoon characters.

‘Cause, you know….

If the real-people stars
can’t stay outta trouble —

Just imagine the kinda
kinky secrets those
cartoon guys are keeping.addams

I’m not even gonna
mention the whole
Yogi Bear,
Cindy Bear,
and an under-age and sexually confused Boo-Boo bugaboo —

Hey,
what goes on in Jellystone Park,
STAYS in Jellystone Park,
that’s my rule.

All I can tell you is
that “Mister Ranger Sir”
is more than just a
polite way of addressing that guy.

Caves make great
dungeons, ya know.a2

Sure, I know
there are
lots of people
who seem to think
that there is
too much sex on TV
now…..

But, I think those people
need to realize
an essential truth…
badidea
The terms “Too Much”
and “Sex” never really
go together in one sentence.

Never.

It’s sorta like an
oxymoron, ya know.

Ahem.

Once you start really
thinking about it,
you can’t help but
wonder a few things….. a1a1

— all that travelling around
in a van with two hot chicks, for example…

(yes, of COURSE, Velma is hot.
The quiet, smart chicks are always the most dangerous)

along with two doofy guys
and a very large dog —

chasing ‘ghosts’?

Yeah, right.

You really gotta wonder
what’s going on
with those characters
on Scooby Doo.

But, I guess
we’ll never know
the truth, huh? piggy

Wait.

I wasn’t going to do that post today.

So, the whole Kermit the Frog
and the interspecial-bestiality
thing with Miss Piggy —

— who is looking pretty
stunning in that leather gear….

 

Hey–
who wouldn’t ?

What is it, I wonder —2
that makes it look
so good on a woman?

Don’t get me started on how:
leather is not only
natural,
breathable,
comfortable
supple,
long wearing,
and fits like a
second skin thing —

but also how incredibly sexy
a woman looks wearing it.

Even a cartoon woman.

Lois Griffin knows, man.

Hoo boy, does she.

Again, though,
I’m digressing.

Or am I ?snow

I guess I should figure out, first —

whether I want to post about
sexy cartoon characters wearing leather,

about how sexy a material leather is on an actual woman,

or about some fantasy-based S&M
leather bugaboo that’s gonna need an analyst
to fully help me explain.

Mmmmmmm — leather.

Does that make me a pervert?

(Ok–
no, maybe that doesn’t-
but plenty of other things do.)a1a

Hmmm….
well,

it sure seems like I’m not
the only one who thinks that leather is sexy.

Which either means we as a culture
need to revise our social idea of what is / isn’t deviant,

Or accept the fact that
there’s just a lot of us perverts out there.

bikeEither way,
I’m fine with it, really.

I don’t necessarily see the need for a parade,

or a special national ‘leather-pervert’ day ,

Although it’d be interesting to find out
who ends up riding in the Parade Grand Marshal’s vehicle,

— and what gear they’ll be wearing.

I’m hoping for Betty Boop, personally.

Biker-chicks really know how
to wear leather with style.

Hmmm…
I guess I never did figure out
what else to post about today.

So, I guess
we’re in on this one.

Thanks to my friend Jen way up
nawth of the bunkyline for helpkitty
on several of these great images.

Thanks also to my
Left Coast buddy Katie
for this very funny picture:

Now then….

Betty.
or
Bettie ??

Hmmm….

.

bettie

.

HOY !!!!

You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”

and

“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”

.

Really,
meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors

Hmmm….

Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?

No….

Uhhh…
In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

Basically,
smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.

.

Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.

.

OR

twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.

.

OR

tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.

Yeah…..

You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )

.

OR:

henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.

.

OR

cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.

.

OR

aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.

.

Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

And,
as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………

outthere

I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .

a1a

Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.

.

girlscouts

.

 

You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
love-deprived
friend,
read on.

OK!

Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.

.

First,
Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?

aiko

Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

.

2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

Hey-
you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.

.

3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?

shop-vac-r

Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )

.

4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?

a

Honestly,
I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.

.

5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.

.

6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??

sexy

Sure,
it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???

NO.

Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )

.

Well, if you answered:
YES, MAYBE, or
ALL OF THE ABOVE
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

.

 

Rink And Roll

rinkIt was absolutely
beautiful around here
this week.

Too damn beautiful to cook.

Too damn beautiful
to do any work.

Hell,a2
….. it’s too damn beautiful
to take a shower.

Oh sure,
I know,
— excuses,
excuses.

( I know what you’re thinking —
but it’s never too beautiful
to ride my motorcycle, so-)

Since my brain is
so obviously off-line,

…… we’re digging deep
into the mailbag,Image result for vintage roller skating humor
to pull out what’s going
to have to serve as today’s post.

Let’s see what we got in here.

Oooooo…..

There’s certainly some
interesting goodies.

Alrighty, well —

I’ve always found roller skating
an enjoyable, relaxing sport

— good exercise with plenty
of interesting potentials
for adventure–skating1

And so did folks
in the early 1900’s, apparently.

Ok–

Maybe the old style
hokey organ music
isn’t all that listenable ….

But one cannot help
but make new friendsskate
and acquaintances
while skating,

and the unpredictable
opportunities
for illicit/semi-innocent
bodily contact abound.

When all else failed,
you always had
something to watch,
anyway.skating

Those old rinks with
the wooden boards,
in particular, had spots
in them that would trip up
even the most experienced
of skaters —

In 1970’s Ocala, Florida
there was a great old vintage rink
that I would frequently visit
for just that reason —

Mostly,
doing the old S.W.W.–
Sitting,
Watching,
and Waiting.

One only had to pick your spothattrick
and wait for the fun.

But when/if someone did
hit the floor,
— literally,

the wood floor was much
more forgiving than the
concrete floors of today.

So, it wasn’t actually much
like sadism at all, really,
as much as it sounds like it.

Yes, we did have the advantage
of shorter skirts on the girls,

And I certainly did/do
appreciate that —

But there was also just
something very special
about a wooden
skating floor,

…. no doubt about it.

I don’t ever
remember
calling it ‘rinking’ ,
however.awed

And,
just how does a
roller-wedding
work, exactly?

That seems to have also
been a trend back then.

With This Rink I Do Wed ?

I guess Alice Cooper knew
something about it, after all.

.

HOY !!!

.

aglorianord

And Now, Fish Balls In Their Own Juice

fishballsYou have to admit……

Despite the fact that this post
has absolutely nothing at all
to do with bizarre food products ,
it sure makes a dandy way
of starting things off, doesn’t it ?

They are indeed,
fish balls in their own juice.

I had no idea that fish even had ’em.

Jeeez…. sailor
the stuff you learn on the internet, huh?

Of course,
SQUIDS got em.

Knowing me like you do,
how could you doubt it?

And we can be right handy
with them at times.

You put us in the right kinda boat,
——– and you’ll find out, too. slipoffshore

As you can probably tell
from this mindless prattling
that I seem to be doing,

This is one of them
‘no subject’ posts that I write
when my mailbag is full,
and my mind is idea-free.

I’m not saying
that reading this post will
be a total waste of time, though.

Because I think the pictures alone,
are worth the 30 seconds of your life,coffee
you’ll spend perusing it.

Actually,
these are some of the
best ones in the mailbag.

Just how to connect the dots,
as it were,
is the only real issue.

And as,
idley just rambling along,
literarily speaking is concerned,
is a specialty of mine…

No,
you can’t call it stream of consciousness. throttle

You gotta be conscious for that.

The goodies we’ve got for you
today all relate to stuff I like.

Other than those damned fish balls, that is.

Girls in boats hiking up their dress
so they don’t get wet —
ride
Oh, yes,
I like.

Coffee —
well, who doesn’t like coffee,
I ask you.

Tattoos–
sure, man, I’m in.

Motorcycles —

Come on,riding
how easy can these
pop quizzes get anyway ?

If they’d stuck to
these subjects in school,

……. I might not have ended
up a juvenile delinquent.

Ahhh, well….
……………….. who knows.

Now,
that I’m an adult delinquent,

I’m kinda happy about how it all turned out.

star

.

HOY!

The Answer Is Always B

abedI don’t know why anyone
would have a favorite thing
to think about,
and to talk about,
and to blog about,
that isn’t centered
somehow around sex,
but I guess it’s possible…..

But, that’s me already3
snoring in the background.

And I guess since
most of our readers
consider themselves
all grow’d up and mature —

Ya know, we’ve been
around, and all —

I’ll bet we all pretty sexandcoffee
much think ourselves
experts on the subject.

But how much do we
really KNOW about it?

Well….

LET’s FIND OUT, shall we???safesex

This is a bona-fide sexual trivia test.

And your scores are going
on your permanent record,
so no cheating.

and NO looking up
the answers ahead of time!

But I will tell you that all
the correct answers are B.fondling

So, now let’s see how well you do.

Ok… BEGIN.
.

.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to:

A: Pay your taxes to a sexy tax collector
B: Have sex with a truck driver in a tollboothcondiment
C: Have sex with the governor in Amish country
D: Have sex

.

.

The typical lovemaking session
averages how long in length:

A: 2 hours
B: 15 minutes
C: 3 days
D: 3 inches

.hipset

.

An Oedipus Complex involves
a subconscious sexual attraction to:

A: Cunnilingus
B: One’s momma
C: One’s dad-da
D: One’s puddy-tat
E: Some guy named Oedipusawkwardtat

.

.

S&M stands for:
A: A green stamp company
B: Sadism and Masochism
C: A record company
D: Spaghetti and Meatballs

.

.eat

Dishabiliophobia is:

A: the fear of being molested by a nun
B: the fear of undressing in front of someone
C: the fear of undressing in front of a nun
D: the fear of a nun undressing in front of you

.

.

E.D. refers to what medical problem?

A: A sexual attraction to talking horsesproblem
B: Erectile Dysfunction (ouchie)
C: Elective Depilatory
D: A number nine combo with egg roll and rice

.

.

A popular pharmaceutical remedy
for ED is derived from
what natural substance?

A: Moon Pies and RC Cola
B: Yohimbe tree bark
C: The Coca plant
D: The passion flower
E: Bulls testiclesbudlite

.

.

According to the Kama Sutra,
a mixture of camel’s milk and honey:

A: will make a hell of a sticky mess
B: will keep a man erect night and day
C: will make a hell of a brandy alexander
D: will make for one horny dromedaryyep

.

.

Testosterone is a necessary
libido hormone for:

A: Men only
B: Both Men and Women
C: Ducks only
D: Both Ducks and Drakes1
E: Some guy named Oedipus

.

.

Fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol,
creatine, citric acid, lactic acid,
nitrogen, vitamin B12 are all contained in:

A: a mocha-chino raspberry
creamy latte with extra cinnamon
B: semen4
C: pizza
D: duck sauce

.

.

According to the Kinsey survey,

75% of men ejaculate within:

A: 45 minutes of penetration
B: three minutes of penetration
C: three minutes of seeing a girl nekkid
D: 45 minutes into a date with Paris Hilton

.111

.

It’s estimated that the practice
of autoerotic asphyxiation:

A: do people really do that?
B: takes the lives of 250 to 1000 people each year
C: come on… people really do that?
D: yer kidding…… really?

.aa

.

In 1995, Mo Ka Wang, a Chi Kung master
in Hong Kong, lifted over 250 pounds
of weight two feet off the floor:

A: with the power of his mind
B: with his erect penis (now, that’s MO WANG!)
C: with his erect nipples
D: with his erectic boogaloo1111

.

.

In a survey, most men wished
that their lovers would play more with:

A: Their nipples
B: Their balls
C: Their Visa card
D: Their minds

.

.a1

Wyoming’s “Grand Teton” literally means:

A: big picnic
B: big tit
C: big hit
D: big deal

.

.

In what month do moreagroping
Americans lose their virginity?

A: any month starting with a ‘L’
B: June
C: January
D: at Tax Time

.

.

The animal with the largest penis
(over 24 inches..) is:

A: The Elephant (won’t forget yer
phone number either..)
B: The Walrus (koo koo ka choo)any
C: The Sperm Whale (gotta have
someplace to put it..)
D: The John Holmes’ Woodchuck
(if a woodchuck could..)

.

.

On average: ___ % of women who live

with their boyfriends have
another sex partner.

A: 10%shakesbear
B: 20%
C: 50%
D: 1%

.

.

When reading horizontally from
Shakespeare’s original published
copy of Hamlet, the furthest
left hand side in the last 14 lines
of the book reads:

A: “Something’s amiss”
B: “I’m a homosexual”
C: “Bacon is WSHAK”
D: Never read ita1

.

.

In a recent interview with 10
prominent sex therapists, the
question was posed,
‘What is the most important
aspect in love making?’
Six out of Ten said:stickwalsh

A: ‘an orgasm’
B: ‘staying awake’.
C: ‘being attracted to your partner’
D: ‘having a goat present’

.

.

Lip stick was said to have been
invented in the Egyptian times
for women that specialized
in oral sex because:

A: Red is the international symbol for a vacuum
B: They wanted their lips to look more inviting.
C: The lead in the lipstick served as an aphrodisiac
D: It made them look just like Queen Latifiah

.

.2

NO2 is a chemical responsible for:

A: Testing condoms
B: Erections
C: Getting you turned down twice in one night
D: Getting you to say ‘AHHH’ at the dentists office

.

.

Dolphins and humans are the only
known animals that have:

A: collections of “Fish Bait” magazine
B: sex for pleasure
C: fetishes
D: no aversion to the music of Boy Georgea1

.

.

Among sexually active adults,
_______ have the lowest
incidence of sexually transmitted diseases:

A: Elvis fans
B: Lesbians
C: Anime fans
D: People who regularly eat at McDonalds

.

.

Approximately one out of every two
hundred women is born with an extra:

A: breastteenage
B: nipple
C: clitoris
D: coupla bucks tucked in their cleavage

.

.

A “buckle bunny” is a woman who:

A: insists on wearing her seat belt during sex
B: goes to rodeos with the intent of having sex with a rodeo cowboy
C: goes to all you can eat restaurants and undoes her belt
D: dominitrix’s who whip bad lil rabbits into submission
E: a girl who rides mechanical bulls in her underwear

.

.

A “Priapism” refers to a:

A: Orgasm lasting more than 4 hours
B: Erection lasting more than 4 hoursrule34
C: Ice Cream Cone lasting more than 4 hours
D: Pee Wee Herman lasting more than 40 seconds

.

.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, an ordinance
specifically bans couples from:

A: going to rodeos with the intent
of sex with a rodeo cowboy
B: having sex while standing
in a store’s walk-in meat freezer
C: drinking while intoxicated
D: having sex while drinking xx
while intoxicated

.

.

The same chemical responsible for the
ecstatic highs of love and
sexual attraction, phenylethylamine:

A: will make you go blind
B: is also found in chocolate
C: is used as a steroid by speed eaters
D: is too hard to pronounce to be a real substance

.

.

Oneirogmophobia is the fear:a1a

A: of commitment
B: of wet dreams
C: of Rosie O’Donnell
D: of having a wet dream
about Rosie O’Donnell

.

.

Orgasms act as a:
A: reason to get out of bed in the morning
B: natural tranquilizer
C: reason to go out with the
amazing three tongued man
D: all of the above

.

.

Freud believed that “mature” womencard_035
have orgasms only when:

A: she was having sex with a bearded German guy
B: her vagina, but not her clitoris, is stimulated
C: she felt like it
D: when she appeared in MILF Magazine

.

.

It is apparent that sexual desire hellcats
and performance depend on
some threshold level of:

A: how hot his partner is
B: testosterone
C: how many Viagra’s he’s taken
D: how long it’s been since the last time

.

.

The G-Spot is said to be a:

A: the spot that makes you have to “GO”kentucky
B: sensitive area just behind the front wall of the vagina
C: the spot that makes you want to say “GEEEE”
D: a night club in downtown Paducah

.

.

The term “Blue Balls” refers to:

A: the rental balls at the bowling alley
B: pelvic congestion, when more blood and lymph flows into
the genitals (during sexual arousal) than flows out
C: tongue piercings
D: a night club in downtown Alberquerque

.pitchingwoo

.

Which is not a real town name in Pennsylvania?

A: Blue Ball
B: Sphincter
C: Bird in Hand
D: Intercourse

.

.

Therapists say that the size of your penis:

A: ain’t NEAR big enough
B: has no relation to sexual
pleasure or performance
C: ain’t NEVER big enough
D: determines how much
eye of a weeny you are (literally!)

.

.

Which one of these is a genuine rule for SAFE sex:

A: wash the goat first
B: never reuse a condom
C: use only non-fat whipped cream
D: replace the batteries after every use
E: wash the whipped cream off the goat

.

That’s it.
So, how’d you do ??????
.

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