Getting The Buzz

a12As I’ve been saying incessantly……

and as many posts on
the Muscleheaded Blog
have definitively shown —

Real history
can seem
so unlikely to us
in the present day
sometimes.

I mean,
the phrase
believe it or notvibr2
applies more times
than I can count.

My friend sent me a picture
of a vintage vibrator
that she saw at a garage sale…..

(She didn’t say
whether she bought it,
or not……  😀 )

And, of course,

it got me thinking —

Hmmm….
Just how old
are these gadgets, anyway?

aidsThe answer might
just surprise you.

Back in merry old
19th century England,
when female orgasms
were considered impossible,

Doctors were treating
a condition called ‘hysteria’ —
a common enough complaint,
— as one would imagine,
among frustrated
Victorian women.

They would manually
manipulate their client’s vibr3
nether regions,
until relief was obtained.

Well,
one never knows what
other manipulation was used,
but manually was the
common treatment.

A certain London Doctor
named Dr. Joseph Mortimer Granville,
(now, that’s a name to conjure with)
was relieving so much
of his patient’s tension,
that he was actually every
getting hand cramps.

Talk about suffering
for your profession, huh?

Now,
how he chose
to resolve the issue,
and how you
or I would do it,
star…. well,
never mind all that now.

Anyhoo…
he had a friend,
Edmund St. John Smythe,
who was a wealthy inventor
with a big ole mansion,
and servants, and stuff.

Smythe had just invented
the electric feather duster,
of all things….

smileOne would think,
it might put a smile
on the face of his maids
and housekeeping staff,

but it was hardly
cutting edge,
otherwise.

But,
Granville knew just how
to put that thing to better use.vibr1

And it didn’t take long
for the buzz
to get around town,
about Dr. Granville’s
new treatment device —
— called “Granville’s Hammer.”

Hooo boy, where are
the marketing boys
when you need them, huh?

It didn’t matter,
though —

hairIn a matter of months,
the device became as popular
as extra-large panty hose
at a Divine look alike convention.

Soon, there were
over 200 companies
in the United States and Britain
making the machines…

Many of them hubby
also made blenders,
electric knives,
and hair dryers.

Hence the weirdly
familiar look
of some models.

Although originally,
they were rather
large and bulky affairs…rollitin

They soon evolved into
self contained hand held devices,
and were widely available
in both battery powered,
and plug in varieties —

with any and every sort
of attachment available.

Sears sold several models
in their 1907 catalog.

They were rather expensive
as far as household gadgets go,
(about 200 dollars
in today’s money)polar

but I’m thinking,
they were probably
well worth the money.

I mean,
remember, no TV.
An evening’s entertainment
might have been
pretty tame, otherwise.handcrank

And if you didn’t have
electricity laid on, yet —
(pun completely intentional)
there were even
manually-powered
D.I.Y. units…..

Actually, one can find
a bewildering assortment
of vintage vibrators
and crazy advertising bibe
making claims for them,

that range from true,
to very,
very,
very unlikely.

Will it relieve spasms and pain?
Sure, perhaps.

Will it give you the will to faceill
another day in Victorian Age Britain?
Yeah, maybe.

Will it make you live longer
and regain your health magically?
Probably not.

And if you happened to take
one of these things
in the tub with you,
…. like so many people
did over the years…..

It might bring your frustrations
to a rather abrupt end.

Shocking.

.

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Redheads And The Road To Ruin

a2a2aCaution: mild adult content.
Like it says: 
Ya know….. 
” Reefers, Redheads,
— and the Road to Ruin ! ” 

It ain’t no secret, I guess.

I love bad girls.
( I call ’em razor girls )

I can’t help myself.
I’ve always been
that way.

In high school,
it was always the razor girl —a1a1a

with the bad attitude,

with the foul mouth,

wearing the peek-a-boo
ratty torn t-shirt,

the 3-inches-shorter-
than-dress-code-allows-skirt,

the everybody-fuck-me-
but-you heels,

the one that was always ready
to have a loud and gruesome
public fight about something —a3

—- that attracted my attention first.

And if she had red hair, then:
” Outta the way fellas, she’s the one.

The one that would
pour a perfectly good
ice cold cherry Slurpee
down into your pants pocket,
then laugh and point at you,
and tell everyone who
would listen about how
she made you wet yourself.

Of course,a2
in the end,

after she stole your heart —

and your car,

after she ruined your grades —

and your whole reputation,

after she trashed your locker —

and your front lawn,

after she scratched all your records —

and your face from ear to chin,a4

after she mangled all of
your personal relationships,

and how well some of
your body parts worked,

after she ran off with your
one-time-best friend —

and your teacher,

after she carved her initials
on your locker,
(just her initials,
…. mind you)a5

and on your knee cap,

after she tore down and
criticized everything that
you thought you were,
and wanted to be —

and invited seven of
her ex-boyfriends
to your birthday party
to beat the hell out of you …….

— you finally would come to realize —

that she was tearing down
a highway that you couldn’t
possibly have followed,a6
or even kept up.

It seems a shame, really.

But, the good part is,
you can see her anytime
you want .

On the cover of
vintage crime magazines.

Yep–
— there she is, alright.

Somehow, she always
seems to be enjoying
her life of crime.a8

It makes me wonder
about that whole
“crime doesn’t pay thing”,
sometimes, ya know ?

Jeeez—-

Stacey always did say
that you were just
a big ole mama’s boy.

Ahem.

Anyway…..

Today’s post is about
vintage crime
magazine covers.frsc

As if you didn’t know already.

These mags were most
popular between 1930
and 1960 —

And featured articles written
by some really good writers
early in their careers —

like Dashiell Hammett,
Raymond Chandler,
Ann Rule,
and Jim Thompson.

Although nobodya1a1a
really READ them,
I don’t think.

My interest was always
in the cover art.

Depending on the magazine
in question,
you might have a photo
on the cover,
with salacious headlines
that had little,
or nothing,
to do with the cover,
— or even the content inside–

Or — my preference,
of course-
an illustrationa2
with the same inattention
to detail as far as the headlines were concerned.

Ah well —
who cared about the
sketchy print inside–
as long as the
sketchy sketch on the cover
sparked your imagination.

And hoo boy,
did it ever.

The art was usually lurid,
maybe even
slightly shocking,a1a
with very lively color —

Great illustrators like:
Margaret Brundage,
Robert Maguire
Peter Driben,
Rudolph Belarski,
Earle Bergey,
George Gross,
and Norman Saunders
not only painted covers
for magazines in this genre,
but to a large extent,
influenced what would appear
on the covers
in the 1930’s and 1940’s….a2a2a

—- if the publisher really
wanted them to sell, that is.

The magazines had titles like :
Hollywood Detective,
Best Detective,
Amazing Detective,
True Crime Detective,
Startling Detective,
Master Detective,
Uncensored Detective,
Detective and Police,
Special Detective,
Actual Detective,
Official Detective,
Sensational Detective,a1a
Front Page Detective,
Headquarters Detective,
Special Detective,
Inside Detective,
Daring Detective,
Expose Detective….

not to mention:
Crime Year Book,
True Crime,
True Police,
Headlines and Crime,
Best True Fact,
Line Up,
Gangster Stories,a1a
Black Mask,
Police Stories,

oh, well….
I guess you get the picture.

By the height of the 1950’s,
there were literally hundreds
of titles to choose from.

Unfortunately,
the tendency of publishers
to prefer more graphically
gruesome covers made them
harder and harder to look at
by the early 1960’s —a2

no longer were they simply
a nominally benign
peek into the dark,
or a mildly guilty pleasure —

And while a little excess
can seem like ecstasy,

too much can get —
well,
excessively excessive.

Hey,
…. who said
I was a philosopher, anyway?

HOY !!!!

.

a7

 

 

.

.

.

Be A Sport

lessSports has always been
an important part
of American society.

I don’t mean
professional sports so much,
as amateur sports,
and games anyone can play.

‘Play’ being the
operative word here–

Not ‘Work’.

To me, as soon
as you start doing it
for a living,
it sucks the joy and
the ‘game’ right out of it —s1

— it becomes a profession
and a ‘job’.

A friend of mine
is a professional wrestler.

Although he tries to
keep a low profile,
it is hard for a 6’5
350 pound guy to do that…..

I watched him
trying to get a
work out at my gym
this morning….

Ha.

There were always
three or forty people
hanging around him
all morning.

How he ever
gets a work-out,
I have no idea.
but…

Blech.

Anyhoo…
as I said,
the preoccupation
with sport has always
been with us…
as it is with other
societies, as well.

And so have sporting postcards —
— for at least 150 years, anyway.

I thought it might be
fun to look at some of
the more interesting
ones today –

” If you want to win,whitefeather
never show the 
white feather …… “

Alrighty.

In this case,
the guy in the suspenders
has consumed way too much
of that bowling alley snack bar food —

(probably a couple too many
cold cervezas to wash it down, too)

and he’s ended up
stuck with
the bane of every
bowler’s existence-
– a SPLIT —
—- in his pants.

I hate it
when my shirt tail hangs out.
Especially THAT way.

I’m not sure it would look
like a white feather, though.

.

” The Time And Tide. “

This canoeing cardtime
seems to have more
to do with canoodling, I think.

Standing up in a boat
is usually always
a bad thing….

In a canoe…..

well —
frankly,
it’s madness.soft

Except of course,
when there’s a pretty girl
at the other end.

Even then,
it’s still better
to find a nice,
quiet beauty
spot to eddy out.

After all,fishing
there are all sorts
of creative ways
to use a paddle.

Hmmm….

Fishing could be a
good way to idle away
some ….
errr…..
idle hours.

Bringing home dinner
will always make
you a hero.

As long as you’ve
skinned,
boned,
and filleted
your catch
ahead of time.

And of course,tennis
it depends on
exactly what
you’ve netted, too.

Ok….

Well —
— there’s always
tennis.

HOY !!!!!!!

fishin

You Can’t Really Lick Leather

blondieWhile I was re-reading
another blogger’s post
about comics and
animation’s dramatis
personae running
for president,
(wait, maybe it was mine)
I suddenly was captured
by an urge to do an expose
on the secret sex lives
of cartoon characters.

‘Cause, you know….

If the real-people stars
can’t stay outta trouble —

Just imagine the kinda
kinky secrets those
cartoon guys are keeping.addams

I’m not even gonna
mention the whole
Yogi Bear,
Cindy Bear,
and an under-age and sexually confused Boo-Boo bugaboo —

Hey,
what goes on in Jellystone Park,
STAYS in Jellystone Park,
that’s my rule.

All I can tell you is
that “Mister Ranger Sir”
is more than just a
polite way of addressing that guy.

Caves make great
dungeons, ya know.a2

Sure, I know
there are
lots of people
who seem to think
that there is
too much sex on TV
now…..

But, I think those people
need to realize
an essential truth…
badidea
The terms “Too Much”
and “Sex” never really
go together in one sentence.

Never.

It’s sorta like an
oxymoron, ya know.

Ahem.

Once you start really
thinking about it,
you can’t help but
wonder a few things….. a1a1

— all that travelling around
in a van with two hot chicks, for example…

(yes, of COURSE, Velma is hot.
The quiet, smart chicks are always the most dangerous)

along with two doofy guys
and a very large dog —

chasing ‘ghosts’?

Yeah, right.

You really gotta wonder
what’s going on
with those characters
on Scooby Doo.

But, I guess
we’ll never know
the truth, huh? piggy

Wait.

I wasn’t going to do that post today.

So, the whole Kermit the Frog
and the interspecial-bestiality
thing with Miss Piggy —

— who is looking pretty
stunning in that leather gear….

 

Hey–
who wouldn’t ?

What is it, I wonder —2
that makes it look
so good on a woman?

Don’t get me started on how:
leather is not only
natural,
breathable,
comfortable
supple,
long wearing,
and fits like a
second skin thing —

but also how incredibly sexy
a woman looks wearing it.

Even a cartoon woman.

Lois Griffin knows, man.

Hoo boy, does she.

Again, though,
I’m digressing.

Or am I ?snow

I guess I should figure out, first —

whether I want to post about
sexy cartoon characters wearing leather,

about how sexy a material leather is on an actual woman,

or about some fantasy-based S&M
leather bugaboo that’s gonna need an analyst
to fully help me explain.

Mmmmmmm — leather.

Does that make me a pervert?

(Ok–
no, maybe that doesn’t-
but plenty of other things do.)a1a

Hmmm….
well,

it sure seems like I’m not
the only one who thinks that leather is sexy.

Which either means we as a culture
need to revise our social idea of what is / isn’t deviant,

Or accept the fact that
there’s just a lot of us perverts out there.

bikeEither way,
I’m fine with it, really.

I don’t necessarily see the need for a parade,

or a special national ‘leather-pervert’ day ,

Although it’d be interesting to find out
who ends up riding in the Parade Grand Marshal’s vehicle,

— and what gear they’ll be wearing.

I’m hoping for Betty Boop, personally.

Biker-chicks really know how
to wear leather with style.

Hmmm…
I guess I never did figure out
what else to post about today.

So, I guess
we’re in on this one.

Thanks to my friend Jen way up
nawth of the bunkyline for helpkitty
on several of these great images.

Thanks also to my
Left Coast buddy Katie
for this very funny picture:

Now then….

Betty.
or
Bettie ??

Hmmm….

.

bettie

.

HOY !!!!

You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”

and

“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”

.

Really,
meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors

Hmmm….

Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?

No….

Uhhh…
In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

Basically,
smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.

.

Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.

.

OR

twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.

.

OR

tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.

Yeah…..

You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )

.

OR:

henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.

.

OR

cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.

.

OR

aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.

.

Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

And,
as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………

outthere

I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .

a1a

Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.

.

girlscouts

.

 

You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
love-deprived
friend,
read on.

OK!

Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.

.

First,
Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?

aiko

Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

.

2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

Hey-
you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.

.

3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?

shop-vac-r

Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )

.

4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?

a

Honestly,
I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.

.

5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.

.

6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??

sexy

Sure,
it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???

NO.

Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )

.

Well, if you answered:
YES, MAYBE, or
ALL OF THE ABOVE
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

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