A Disgruntled Duck

yI was having a very deep conversation
with a friend of mine recently….

— mostly, it was me bitchin
about stuff I couldn’t do
anything about.

She suddenly commented that
sometimes I remind her
of Donald Duck
on one of his temper tantrums.

I took that as a compliment….anything

But, I’m not really sure
she meant it exactly that way.

Still, the concept of being like a
disgruntled duck
struck me as hilarious.

And I became bound and determined
to write something based on the theme.

Well,
guess what….

Here it is.

When I went back to college
in my early 40’s, my creative
writing professor bragged
on me to the class one time,
that I could write about ANY subject,
and make it interesting.

I think he was choosing
his words carefully, though.

He didn’t say anything
about it being funny,
or literate,
or intelligent,
or even understandable.

But, as you could probably tell
from the whole “disgruntled duck’ thing —

I tend to take compliments
where/when I find ’em….1a

I’m just not that picky
when it comes to taking ’em
the way I want.

And ducks are naturally funny animals,
don’t you think?

I mean, even though Disney had the rat
long before he had Donald Duck,
Big Don always stole the show.

Basically, because
there’s nothing inherently
funny about rodents.eggs

Anybody who has shared
an apartment with a bunch of ’em knows.

But, ducks are a completely different story.

Just watching them walk is
enough some days for me.

It’s all a matter of design —
ducks are like the AMC Gremlins of the animal kingdom.fightback

Now, I’ll admit
that I have a history with ducks
that I’m not all that proud of.

When I was a kid,
my sister had a pet duck
( imagine that !)
and I’ll admit,
that duck wasn’t exactly fond of me.
( imagine that !)
When I was around,
at least,
he really was a disgruntled duck.face
( imagine that ! )

One day,
as she was paddling around that big barrel
that she used for exercise,
I thought it would be a good idea
to put a running hose in the barrel
to make it a bit more interesting for the duck.

I mean,
it seemed so awfully dull, ya know.

But, anyhoo —
the upshot of this whole episode
was that the duck ended up going
bottoms up.d

Who knew a duck could drown?
( imagine THAT! )

Well,
Take it from me –
they can.

Actually,
that duck, at least,
turned out to be a
completely suck-ass swimmer.

It seemed to me that the irony was similarsandwiches
to an eagle dying from flight ………..

but, the several child psychologists
that my parents made me visit because of it
didn’t really see it that way.

Hey–
I don’t know
where in the D.S.M. IV that “Duck Killer”
is listed as a psychological ailment,wa
but I’m still no duck-killer.

I was just a stupid kid.

I am a bit disgruntled
about that duck killer label, though,
and I’ve never lived it down in my family.

(and of course,
I really felt pretty bad for the duck)

I’m thinking it all had to do with
just how bad I hated boring cardio,
—- even back then.

Quack —

I mean,
HOY !!!!!!!

moran

Do We Get Letters ?

lettersLetters ?

Do we get letters,
— you ask?

Sure,
we get letters, man.

Boy,
howdy,
do we…..

Do we?

Ummm, yes,

Err….
I guess we get letters.

Well,

let’s pretend
we get em, anyway,

….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..

hey,
what bearing
does reality
have to anything
these days, anyway?

So —a2

YES, we do get letters. 

Thanks for asking.

Like this next —
completely authentic,
bona-fide,
genuine,
unscripted–

and not in any
way, shape, or form–
fabricated,
faked,
half-baked,
concocted,
redacted,
dreamt up,
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
otherwise spurious
letter–

(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):

.

Dear Mister Muscleheaded:

I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.

Any suggestions?

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert

PS… The ‘T’s are silent.

.

Well, Mister Maydupt,candy

I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.

Certainly ,
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.

Assuming- of course –
that you mean:

‘go to bed with you’
VOLUNTARILY,
and for FREE.lettera

(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,

but we’ll go with it —

Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,

and,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.

Do me a favor —
if you’ve ever used the pickup line:barf
“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”,
please forget this blog altogether.)

Ahem.

As I was saying…

There are two main approaches.

One involves taking the
time to get to know her,travel

and let her get to know you —

spending time together,
learning about her background,
her passions,
her tastes,
and such.

If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.

The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.

(The internet version
of this approach,
of course, would be tohat
send some girl
a disembodied picture
of your dick,

…. although the type of
instant gratification
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)

While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,

I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,

— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.

Hmmmm…. ok.

chemistryPickup lines have a long and storied history —

— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.

But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….

And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.

And a lot has to do with the delivery.

— no matter how good the line is —

if it’s being delivered by somebodywood
who slobbers all over himself
like Quasimodo,

— it might not turn her on.

So, by all means,

— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.

Chicks dig that.

Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,

feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.

Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–

Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar
home simultaneously.

Ahem.ash

.

1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”

2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”

3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”

4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”

5: “Girl, you look so good, I could put
you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!”tailwag

6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”

7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”

8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway
.”

10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”

11: “Wow! Are them things real?”line

12: “You know, the more I drunk
I am, the prettier you get!”

13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”

14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”

.

And in times of absolute desperation,ap

— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,

you can use this one–

….which is guaranteed to get….

well,

at least a reaction of some kind,

— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
ummm…
right ?

15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,

…. but I am also the only one
talking to you.

.

That’s all of it….

By now, you should befirefly
on easy street, huh?

So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,

from Chico Marx,

( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)

I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth

genwarts

It Just Don’t Add Up

a3I always hated math in school.

It’s just one of those subjects
I can’t get my mind around.

Oh sure,
2 + 2 = 4 is okay , I guess….

But when you start
adding letters like A + B
and getting a number
as an answer-
well,
Mister Man…
— you lost me there.

To me,
A + B = AB .

I know what you’re thinking —math

If that was right,
why wouldn’t 2 + 2
be equal to 22 ?

Hey,
for all I know about math,
it is, somehow.

How the hell should I know?

But, nobody ever accused me
of being a rocket scientist.

Part of the problem
I always had with
math in schooltutor
was that nobody
could explain to me
how a mathematical
process really worked
in practical language
that even a cretin like I
(ok -like ‘me’)
could understand.

I mean,

I just couldn’t understand:
WHY you don’t get PIE
with a Pie chart….

or why “PI”
is so much more of an ‘irrational’a1
than not getting pie with a pie chart…

or why it’s perfectly fine
to have imaginary numbers
in an algebraic equation,
but wrong to have
an imaginary hottie girlfriend
named “Wendy”.

or what difference ‘New Math’
makes over ‘Old Math’,
when I still can’t get the
right answer, anyway.

or why the batch of rubber
I laid in the school parking lot
with my Dad’s 1972 Torinocanteloupes
didn’t count as a “Ford Circle” —

or why any test on “Probability Theory”
always resulted in a 90 percent conjecture
that I was gonna fail it…..

or why the solution
to every “Boolean Function”
proved ‘Evasive’ —
and ended up
making me feel like a Foolean.

or why my Math Teacher a2
grading on a “Bell Curve”
always landed me
somewhere down near the clapper.

Let’s face it —
you could make
ANYTHING beyond complicated
with Mathematics.

Take a simple idea like:
“How do you put algebra
an elephant in a refrigerator?”

And forget the logical stuff
like:

“Why would you WANT
to put an elephant in a refrigerator?”

Because a math whiz
could still give you
a dozen equations for how to do it.a3

Oh–
you just:

” Let ϵ>0
ϵ>0. Then for all such ϵ
ϵ, there exists a δ>0
δ>0 such that
∣ ∣ ∣ elephant2 n ∣ ∣ ∣ <ϵfit
|elephant2n|<ϵ for all n>δ
n>δ . Therefore
lim n→∞ elephant2 n =0.

limn→∞elephant2n=0. “

Or:

“Since 1/2 n <1/n 2
1/2n<1/n2 for n≥5 n≥5 , 
by comparison, we know
that ∑ n≥1 elephant2 n “

Or:

” There exists an affine transformation
F:R 3 →R 3 :p ⃗ ↦Ap ⃗ +
q ⃗ F:R3→R3:p→↦Ap→+q→
that will allow the elephant
to be put into the refrigerator.
Just make sure detA≠0 detA≠0
so you can take the elephant back out,
and detA>0 / detA>0 fall
so you don’t end up with a pulpy mess. “

Ahhh….

So THAT’s how you do it.

It’s now as clear as mud.

I’ll stick to buffalo ….
it’s much simpler.

No wonder
I like history better.

HOY!

moran

 

Album Covers Bad Enough To Give You Eye Rash

I hope you’re not busy
for the next couple
of minutes…..

– because I’ve got
something to show you.

(No, I didn’t bring candy)

Actually a few things,
and they’re so badly done,
they’ll probably cause you
to break out in some
kinda weird rash, so,
I recommend having some
hydrocortisone creme
(that is safe for the eyes)
on hand, just in case.

Eye rashes in particular
can be very unpleasant-
as are many of these
vintage LP Record Covers.

Now, usually,
if I want to do a
post on awful
album covers —

— all I need to do is
dust off some Tiny Tim,
or a record by a puppet,
or my collection of Gospel
records from the 1970’s —

There’s just so many
horrible choices,
and so little time–

— it’s enough to virtually
melt your brain.

And brain melts can also
be very unpleasant, ya know.

But, I realized that I had
some Jazz albums that
also qualified–

and then there are the
“Todays Hits” things that
were badly performed
‘hits’ by some unknown
garage band,

( the name of which
was printed in such
small letters you couldn’t
hardly see it )

and released to look
like they were
compilations of the songs
that you had heard on the radio
and you actually wanted
to listen to.

But they weren’t even close.

I hate that.

It’s not the record companies
did it unintentionally —
— oh no —
they knew they were
selling you a bill of bads —

— which is why they sold
most of those things on TV.

It was much harder to
return them once you paid
your hard earned $3.95,
(plus shipping and handling)

… and you had nobody
at Peaches record store
to yell at or blame, either.

Anyhoo, I picked out
a couple of stand-out
stink-outs for you today……

What about
” Squirt Does It’s Thing? ”

Brought to you by
a soda company. 

And performed by some
Tijuana bukkake group,
for all I know.

( Would it still be called
‘bukkake’ in Tijuana, I wonder? )

Just kidding.

Now taking all
the mental detritus
I just gushed into your
subconscious mind —

consider our first album
cover at top — by some
creepy looking guy named
JJ Worthington with
the title
” If I Should Touch You”.

You touch me, and you’ll
need an ambulance,
and tout quick, buddy.

Man, that cover skeeves
me out every time. 

But there are,
of course, others.

Like this one which seems
to indicate that Rock and Roll
can, indeed, give you wings.

Even if you’re wearing
a petticoat.

Hey- it’s in
Full Color High Fidelity. 

Whatever that means.

I’m a huge Miles Davis fan,
but just how did they get that
woman to grow out of his
chest like that?

And she kinda looks like
she’s ‘missing the concert’
somehow, anyway.

Maybe she’s still confused by
that bukkake reference.

Naaah.

Clowns and kids…

I just don’t know, man.

Ahem.
Yeah.

There’s actually nothing
wrong with these last
covers, at all.

I just figured you deserved
a treat after what I put
you through, today.

Kinda
a ‘Tit For Tat’,
ya know.

So, enjoy.

Deciliating and Frecking

zarrcghIt might simply be
an indicator of how
society has changed…..

In 1950 the average 14-year-old
had a vocabulary of 25,000 words —

By 1999, the average 14-year-old’szquarse
vocabulary had dropped to
only 10,000 words.

A more recent study showed
that the average 30 year old
person’s range of vocabulary
in conversation has been
reduced a staggering 28%
since 1995.

School children are being taught
over 60% fewer words than theirshort
predecessors of 40 years ago,
which might explain the

limited range of song lyrics
these days.

People in general are using
fewer, shorter, easier words
to carry on their daily conversations.

Now, some people might think
this is a wonderful trend–meh
bringing us closer to
‘universal understanding’.

I see it quite the opposite.

When you have a limited vocabulary,
it limits what you can say,
and how you can say it.moaning

It affects shades and depths
of meaning in every
form of communication,
…. it reduces the capacity for
rational and abstract
thinking and expression.

We are less precise in our
daily interactions,
less accurate in our daily work.

George Orwell predicted this trend
as one of the hallmarks of totalitarianism —
….. by reducing the range of vocabulary,
you narrow the range of thought.word

By removing the words capable of
expressing nuance and shading,
you reduce language to a
simplistic diction expressing
only basic concepts.

And simply put –
— that makes us
all a little dumb-er-er,
and worse: less free.

So, I’ve come up withmomma
ten more words
that need immediate rescuing
from the scrap-heap
of dictionary deletions —

And I’d like you to try and
use one or two of
these in a conversation today,
(it should be a pretty
amusing experiment)

…………. and be sure to let me know
how you do with it , OK ? 😀

.

1: Deliciate.
deliciate

I know you might have been wondering
about this word in the title of the post.

It means to immerse yourself
with joy into something.

That something doesn’t have to be dirty,
although I prefer it.

For instance, you could deliciate with
some gelato this afternoon, if you’d like.

Make mine lemon, please.

.

nixon2: Ludibrious.

This word might be an appropriate
descriptor for the Muscleheaded Blog.

It’s saying something so ludicrous
as to make yourself open to be
criticized or lampooned.

Nixon saying that
he wasn’t a crook….
talk about a ludicrous statement.

Hoo boy.

.

ali3: Freck.

To freck, or not to freck,
that is the question.

Freck means to move swiftly and deftly–
— to bob and weave.

I see guys trying to freck through traffic
while I’m riding my motorcycle.

I’d never do anything like that, of course.

.

dach4: Brabble.

We all know people who love
to brabble about petty stuff.

It means to nit-pick, nag,
or quibble about minor things.

Like my boss —
he brabbles when I wear my kilt to work.

Hey– everybody was always asking
about what we wear under em….

I was just trying to be helpful.

.

confused5: Jargogle.

You know when you use a word
that sounds vaguely familiar,

…. but those around you still
don’t know what the hell it really means?

Congratulations —
……you’ve just jargogled ’em.

Befuddled, confused,
utterly discombulated them.

They’ll probably be twattling among
themselves all day about it, now.

.

gossip6: Twattle.

This very old word means to gossip
or prattle on about nothing in particular.

‘Stop your twattling’ is just
another way of your boss telling you
to stop yacking and get back to work.

Wasting time waggin’ your jaws.

It also sounds vaguely dirty,
……which is why I use it all the time.

.

enquir7: Spermologer.

Quite a few of these great old words
sounds kinda dirty, now that I think about it.

This word ‘spermologer’ means someone
who collects gossip, trivia, weird news, etc.

Whether what they’re saying has
artistic or journalistic merit,

….. well, that’s another question all together.

I never would admit to such a thing,
…………. but, I guess you could say
this blog is sorta like that.

.

drunk8: Fuzzled.

Alrighty —

you remember that bachelor party you threw,

….. when the groom drank so much,
he super-glued his
tongue to a stripper pole?

He, my friend,
was what you call fuzzled.

He was also another word that
started with the same letter,
…………. once his fiancé found out.

I detest people messing with
helpless fuzzled-wastoids z1
like this guy….

Even when he drinks, drank,
and has drunken himself past
the point of complete incapacitation.

But, remembering that
a man chooses the people
that he hangs around with….

It looks like he sure did ask for it.

.

action9: Englishable.

Some of you are tempted to go
looking for this one on Google,

……….. ’cause I must be making it up, right?

It’s a real word,

—- and it means anything that
can be translated into English.

Simple, huh?

Try rendering that sound your girl-friend
makes in bed Englishable,

………. if you think it’s THAT simple.

Give it a try, and make the bard proud.

.

10: Zaftig. curvy

Here comes one of them Englishable words, now.

It’s drawn from a German word,
but it’s in the English dictionary,

……….. and it represents a concept
near and dear to my heart.

You know how, for as many years
as this blog has existed….

……….. I’ve been telling you
about the virtues of curvy women?

That’s zaftig.

Curvaceous, bodacious, buxom.

And that’s one word that’s never
gonna go obsolete in my book, brother.

.

HOY!

.

kitteh