It Just Don’t Add Up

a3I always hated math in school.

It’s just one of those subjects
I can’t get my mind around.

Oh sure,
2 + 2 = 4 is okay , I guess….

But when you start
adding letters like A + B
and getting a number
as an answer-
Mister Man…
— you lost me there.

To me,
A + B = AB .

I know what you’re thinking —math

If that was right,
why wouldn’t 2 + 2
be equal to 22 ?

for all I know about math,
it is, somehow.

How the hell should I know?

But, nobody ever accused me
of being a rocket scientist.

Part of the problem
I always had with
math in schooltutor
was that nobody
could explain to me
how a mathematical
process really worked
in practical language
that even a cretin like I
(ok -like ‘me’)
could understand.

I mean,

I just couldn’t understand:
WHY you don’t get PIE
with a Pie chart….

or why “PI”
is so much more of an ‘irrational’a1
than not getting pie with a pie chart…

or why it’s perfectly fine
to have imaginary numbers
in an algebraic equation,
but wrong to have
an imaginary hottie girlfriend
named “Wendy”.

or what difference ‘New Math’
makes over ‘Old Math’,
when I still can’t get the
right answer, anyway.

or why the batch of rubber
I laid in the school parking lot
with my Dad’s 1972 Torinocanteloupes
didn’t count as a “Ford Circle” —

or why any test on “Probability Theory”
always resulted in a 90 percent conjecture
that I was gonna fail it…..

or why the solution
to every “Boolean Function”
proved ‘Evasive’ —
and ended up
making me feel like a Foolean.

or why my Math Teacher a2
grading on a “Bell Curve”
always landed me
somewhere down near the clapper.

Let’s face it —
you could make
ANYTHING beyond complicated
with Mathematics.

Take a simple idea like:
“How do you put algebra
an elephant in a refrigerator?”

And forget the logical stuff

“Why would you WANT
to put an elephant in a refrigerator?”

Because a math whiz
could still give you
a dozen equations for how to do it.a3

you just:

” Let ϵ>0
ϵ>0. Then for all such ϵ
ϵ, there exists a δ>0
δ>0 such that
∣ ∣ ∣ elephant2 n ∣ ∣ ∣ <ϵfit
|elephant2n|<ϵ for all n>δ
n>δ . Therefore
lim n→∞ elephant2 n =0.

limn→∞elephant2n=0. “


“Since 1/2 n <1/n 2
1/2n<1/n2 for n≥5 n≥5 , 
by comparison, we know
that ∑ n≥1 elephant2 n “


” There exists an affine transformation
F:R 3 →R 3 :p ⃗ ↦Ap ⃗ +
q ⃗ F:R3→R3:p→↦Ap→+q→
that will allow the elephant
to be put into the refrigerator.
Just make sure detA≠0 detA≠0
so you can take the elephant back out,
and detA>0 / detA>0 fall
so you don’t end up with a pulpy mess. “


So THAT’s how you do it.

It’s now as clear as mud.

I’ll stick to buffalo ….
it’s much simpler.

No wonder
I like history better.




Album Covers Bad Enough To Give You Eye Rash

I hope you’re not busy
for the next couple
of minutes…..

– because I’ve got
something to show you.

(No, I didn’t bring candy)

Actually a few things,
and they’re so badly done,
they’ll probably cause you
to break out in some
kinda weird rash, so,
I recommend having some
hydrocortisone creme
(that is safe for the eyes)
on hand, just in case.

Eye rashes in particular
can be very unpleasant-
as are many of these
vintage LP Record Covers.

Now, usually,
if I want to do a
post on awful
album covers —

— all I need to do is
dust off some Tiny Tim,
or a record by a puppet,
or my collection of Gospel
records from the 1970’s —

There’s just so many
horrible choices,
and so little time–

— it’s enough to virtually
melt your brain.

And brain melts can also
be very unpleasant, ya know.

But, I realized that I had
some Jazz albums that
also qualified–

and then there are the
“Todays Hits” things that
were badly performed
‘hits’ by some unknown
garage band,

( the name of which
was printed in such
small letters you couldn’t
hardly see it )

and released to look
like they were
compilations of the songs
that you had heard on the radio
and you actually wanted
to listen to.

But they weren’t even close.

I hate that.

It’s not the record companies
did it unintentionally —
— oh no —
they knew they were
selling you a bill of bads —

— which is why they sold
most of those things on TV.

It was much harder to
return them once you paid
your hard earned $3.95,
(plus shipping and handling)

… and you had nobody
at Peaches record store
to yell at or blame, either.

Anyhoo, I picked out
a couple of stand-out
stink-outs for you today……

What about
” Squirt Does It’s Thing? ”

Brought to you by
a soda company. 

And performed by some
Tijuana bukkake group,
for all I know.

( Would it still be called
‘bukkake’ in Tijuana, I wonder? )

Just kidding.

Now taking all
the mental detritus
I just gushed into your
subconscious mind —

consider our first album
cover at top — by some
creepy looking guy named
JJ Worthington with
the title
” If I Should Touch You”.

You touch me, and you’ll
need an ambulance,
and tout quick, buddy.

Man, that cover skeeves
me out every time. 

But there are,
of course, others.

Like this one which seems
to indicate that Rock and Roll
can, indeed, give you wings.

Even if you’re wearing
a petticoat.

Hey- it’s in
Full Color High Fidelity. 

Whatever that means.

I’m a huge Miles Davis fan,
but just how did they get that
woman to grow out of his
chest like that?

And she kinda looks like
she’s ‘missing the concert’
somehow, anyway.

Maybe she’s still confused by
that bukkake reference.


Clowns and kids…

I just don’t know, man.


There’s actually nothing
wrong with these last
covers, at all.

I just figured you deserved
a treat after what I put
you through, today.

a ‘Tit For Tat’,
ya know.

So, enjoy.

Deciliating and Frecking

zarrcghIt might simply be
an indicator of how
society has changed…..

In 1950 the average 14-year-old
had a vocabulary of 25,000 words —

By 1999, the average 14-year-old’szquarse
vocabulary had dropped to
only 10,000 words.

A more recent study showed
that the average 30 year old
person’s range of vocabulary
in conversation has been
reduced a staggering 28%
since 1995.

School children are being taught
over 60% fewer words than theirshort
predecessors of 40 years ago,
which might explain the

limited range of song lyrics
these days.

People in general are using
fewer, shorter, easier words
to carry on their daily conversations.

Now, some people might think
this is a wonderful trend–meh
bringing us closer to
‘universal understanding’.

I see it quite the opposite.

When you have a limited vocabulary,
it limits what you can say,
and how you can say it.moaning

It affects shades and depths
of meaning in every
form of communication,
…. it reduces the capacity for
rational and abstract
thinking and expression.

We are less precise in our
daily interactions,
less accurate in our daily work.

George Orwell predicted this trend
as one of the hallmarks of totalitarianism —
….. by reducing the range of vocabulary,
you narrow the range of thought.word

By removing the words capable of
expressing nuance and shading,
you reduce language to a
simplistic diction expressing
only basic concepts.

And simply put –
— that makes us
all a little dumb-er-er,
and worse: less free.

So, I’ve come up withmomma
ten more words
that need immediate rescuing
from the scrap-heap
of dictionary deletions —

And I’d like you to try and
use one or two of
these in a conversation today,
(it should be a pretty
amusing experiment)

…………. and be sure to let me know
how you do with it , OK ? 😀


1: Deliciate.

I know you might have been wondering
about this word in the title of the post.

It means to immerse yourself
with joy into something.

That something doesn’t have to be dirty,
although I prefer it.

For instance, you could deliciate with
some gelato this afternoon, if you’d like.

Make mine lemon, please.


nixon2: Ludibrious.

This word might be an appropriate
descriptor for the Muscleheaded Blog.

It’s saying something so ludicrous
as to make yourself open to be
criticized or lampooned.

Nixon saying that
he wasn’t a crook….
talk about a ludicrous statement.

Hoo boy.


ali3: Freck.

To freck, or not to freck,
that is the question.

Freck means to move swiftly and deftly–
— to bob and weave.

I see guys trying to freck through traffic
while I’m riding my motorcycle.

I’d never do anything like that, of course.


dach4: Brabble.

We all know people who love
to brabble about petty stuff.

It means to nit-pick, nag,
or quibble about minor things.

Like my boss —
he brabbles when I wear my kilt to work.

Hey– everybody was always asking
about what we wear under em….

I was just trying to be helpful.


confused5: Jargogle.

You know when you use a word
that sounds vaguely familiar,

…. but those around you still
don’t know what the hell it really means?

Congratulations —
……you’ve just jargogled ’em.

Befuddled, confused,
utterly discombulated them.

They’ll probably be twattling among
themselves all day about it, now.


gossip6: Twattle.

This very old word means to gossip
or prattle on about nothing in particular.

‘Stop your twattling’ is just
another way of your boss telling you
to stop yacking and get back to work.

Wasting time waggin’ your jaws.

It also sounds vaguely dirty,
……which is why I use it all the time.


enquir7: Spermologer.

Quite a few of these great old words
sounds kinda dirty, now that I think about it.

This word ‘spermologer’ means someone
who collects gossip, trivia, weird news, etc.

Whether what they’re saying has
artistic or journalistic merit,

….. well, that’s another question all together.

I never would admit to such a thing,
…………. but, I guess you could say
this blog is sorta like that.


drunk8: Fuzzled.

Alrighty —

you remember that bachelor party you threw,

….. when the groom drank so much,
he super-glued his
tongue to a stripper pole?

He, my friend,
was what you call fuzzled.

He was also another word that
started with the same letter,
…………. once his fiancé found out.

I detest people messing with
helpless fuzzled-wastoids z1
like this guy….

Even when he drinks, drank,
and has drunken himself past
the point of complete incapacitation.

But, remembering that
a man chooses the people
that he hangs around with….

It looks like he sure did ask for it.


action9: Englishable.

Some of you are tempted to go
looking for this one on Google,

……….. ’cause I must be making it up, right?

It’s a real word,

—- and it means anything that
can be translated into English.

Simple, huh?

Try rendering that sound your girl-friend
makes in bed Englishable,

………. if you think it’s THAT simple.

Give it a try, and make the bard proud.


10: Zaftig. curvy

Here comes one of them Englishable words, now.

It’s drawn from a German word,
but it’s in the English dictionary,

……….. and it represents a concept
near and dear to my heart.

You know how, for as many years
as this blog has existed….

……….. I’ve been telling you
about the virtues of curvy women?

That’s zaftig.

Curvaceous, bodacious, buxom.

And that’s one word that’s never
gonna go obsolete in my book, brother.





And Now, Fish Balls In Their Own Juice

fishballsYou have to admit……

Despite the fact that this post
has absolutely nothing at all
to do with bizarre food products ,
it sure makes a dandy way
of starting things off, doesn’t it ?

They are indeed,
fish balls in their own juice.

I had no idea that fish even had ’em.

Jeeez…. sailor
the stuff you learn on the internet, huh?

Of course,
SQUIDS got em.

Knowing me like you do,
how could you doubt it?

And we can be right handy
with them at times.

You put us in the right kinda boat,
——– and you’ll find out, too. slipoffshore

As you can probably tell
from this mindless prattling
that I seem to be doing,

This is one of them
‘no subject’ posts that I write
when my mailbag is full,
and my mind is idea-free.

I’m not saying
that reading this post will
be a total waste of time, though.

Because I think the pictures alone,
are worth the 30 seconds of your life,coffee
you’ll spend perusing it.

these are some of the
best ones in the mailbag.

Just how to connect the dots,
as it were,
is the only real issue.

And as,
idley just rambling along,
literarily speaking is concerned,
is a specialty of mine…

you can’t call it stream of consciousness. throttle

You gotta be conscious for that.

The goodies we’ve got for you
today all relate to stuff I like.

Other than those damned fish balls, that is.

Girls in boats hiking up their dress
so they don’t get wet —
Oh, yes,
I like.

Coffee —
well, who doesn’t like coffee,
I ask you.

sure, man, I’m in.

Motorcycles —

Come on,riding
how easy can these
pop quizzes get anyway ?

If they’d stuck to
these subjects in school,

……. I might not have ended
up a juvenile delinquent.

Ahhh, well….
……………….. who knows.

that I’m an adult delinquent,

I’m kinda happy about how it all turned out.




Raising Hellions

aw1My Aunt Sarah recently came for a visit……

And she promptly messed
everything up for me, man.

It had taken twenty some years,
but ….

I had just about convinced my kids
that I had been nominated for
Sainthood as a child–

— that I was a paragon of virtue.

One weekend visit
from my sweet Aunt Sarah,
and all that hard work
dubbleand propagandizing
has gone for naught.

And to add insult to injury,
she brought proof,
in the form of pictures and 8mm movies,
that would prevent me from ever denying:

that she knew the real skinny
about the kid version of Chris —

—– or that I even HAD an Aunt Sarah.

pogoWho was that again?

Oh, yeah…
getting back to my
(really wonderful) Aunt Sarah.

She had the
unfortunate pleasure
of knowing me
and being around me as a kidschwinn
…. a lot.

It’s a wonder
she hasn’t gone blind
or crazy by now.

she’s only about 7 or 8 years
older than me,
— but that’s enough —

and boy,
does she have a good memory.

Scary good.

I’m sorry to tell you this,a2
but apparently,
I’m already pre-dis-qualified
from sainthood.

Damn it,
I couldn’t have been THAT
much of a hellion, could I ?

According to my Aunt Sarah, yep.

That and two family size bags of chips.

And yes,
sure —
I had a pet chicken.
And yes,
sure —
I learned a lot
from the “Manchurian Candidate”
about training him.
(And Parrot Jungle for that matter)

She also regaled my kids
with stories about me:

a3burying her copy of
“The Seven Minutes”
in the back yard ……
(for posterity)

stealing her “Partridge Family”
and “Bobby Sherman” albums ……
(to make fisbees out of them)

— how she remembered me:

hiding behind the French Doors
of her closet to watch her snogg
around with her boyfriend
( I got caught because I was
breathing too loud,
but my Aunt Sarah really
did have a cute figure) …..bears

trying to set all the bears
“free” from their enclosure
at the Philadelphia Zoo….

spitting salted pumpkin seeds at pedestrians
from the back seat window
of my Uncle’s 1964 Buick,
(and convincing her to do it, too) ….

tearing out all the pictures
of nude natives in “National Geographic”a1
and hiding them under my bed….

— not to mention, me :

cutting my brother’s hair (while asleep)
with a pair of pinking shears…..

using my Uncle’s lathe to create a re-usable,
retrievable slug for candy machines….

trading with other kids in the neighborhood
those mini bottles of booze
my dad would bring home from trips
in exchange for dirty playing cards….

digging holes in the local cemetery lawn
looking for ‘lost treasure’ ….beattime

smoking up 4 of my Granddad’s cigars
and then denying it …..
(despite being
a distinctively nauseated shade
of GREEN from the experience)

swiping bottles from the back of the corner store,
and returning them in the front
for the deposit to play pinball …..

telling my Great-Grandmother Ida
how lousy of a cook she was,
kidsizeeven for an Irish one….

taking my Great-Grandfather’s jalopy
out for a spin even though
I couldn’t reach the pedals….
( I hope he had insurance on that thing…. )

getting so sick eating illicit
(and unripe) crab-apples
from my neighbor’s tree
I had to have my stomach pumped….

creating so much acrid smoke
experimenting with my chemistry set,
they had to open every window in the house,
despite it being freezing outside……

breaking my Dad’s watch
hellcatsso I could figure how much
of a lickin’ it could take,
and still keep on tickin’……….
( not much, really )

While I might,
in a rare moment of clarity,
admit that perhaps just maybe
she is remembering these things correctly,
I have to say in my own defense police
that I was a spirited child.

I’d like to point out
that even though my Mom,
my brothers and my sister
had to live through much worse–

— since they had to live with me all of the time —

they have always had the good taste
to keep a lot of this stuff to themselves.

Or maybe it was fear
that kid was still around somewhere, I dunno.

( And he is, I promise. )