Beer Battles

worthyPart of being a
resident smart ass
is having stuff fly
back at you when
you least expect it, man.

but it’s true.

I’m sitting in a tavern,
here in the lovely
Queen City of the South,
trying several kinds of ales
that had just been introduced.


One of the things
I like to do
with my friendssurply
sometimes is
a balls to the wall
kinda comparison
of different styles
of beers and ales…….

so I’ve got four lined up
right there in front of me
on the bar .

Take a sip outta one —

mmmm– a little bitter,
but nice carbonation.

Take a sip outta another —

ok– way too sharpbuttface
and nutty for my palate.

Take a wank
at the third —
and it tastes like
somebody’s gym socks.

And I say so.

Suddenly, a big hand
reaches out right in front
of me —
and just swipes
the third glass,
the one I just took
a drink out of.

“Well, if you don’t like it,
— I’ll drink it”,

says the culprit …

( forthwith to be referred to
as the ‘beer swiper’ )

It seems to me
that this
should somehow
qualify as an
ass-whipping offense….

but I did have
three more glasses
in front of me,
so I let it go.

Except that he came
back for another one.

“Any others you
don’t want?”
he says.ay

You know the rest.

So anyhoo….

Thanks to everybody
who asked how I was doing….

I’m just about back
to my old obnoxious self.


But beer is something important –
— something worth fighting for —
— and don’t you
ever doubt that.

I wouldn’t kid you.

And to prove it,
there’s a place
in Bruxelles, Belgium
called the
‘Delerium Tremens Bar’-

— across from the Jeanneke Pis fountain–
( ….. just look for the pink elephant )
that carries over 2300 different types.

2300 !!!!!

that’s a lotta brewski.poly

And, if you end
up going in there,
you really won’t even have
to know exactly what
brands you want to try.

Just tell the bartender
what flavors you like,
and she’ll find you one
that’s just right.

Or more than one.

They’re very friendly in there,
and speak better English1a
than Yer Ole Uncle Nuts.

So they’ll accommodate you.

And I promise,
you really will be amazed
at the selection, man.

Even if you’re one of
them there freaky weirdoes
who likes Brussels Sprouts.

Brussels Sprouts Ale .


:-O bananabread

But if you’re looking
to avoid possibly turning
bright green
after just one sip of this
questionable concoction……….

Well, how about
a nice fruit flavor ?
– I dunno –
– maybe like LEMON ?

There is a Lambic made
by the Belgian Brewery De Troch
called “Chapeau Lemon Lambic”
which I absolutely adore.

Lambic is a sour style of beer
that is spontaneously fermentedchili
and flavored by fruits that
compliment it’s natural tartness.

That means you’ll find Lambics
flavored by raspberries, oranges,
black currants, strawberries,
as well as apples, plums, et al.

Of course I won’t leave off
another of my favorites,
— sour cherries.

This style is called Kriek,
and is something
you must try if you can.sheep

Any good size beer distributor
should carry a version of it.

Put it in a cooler
and take some on a picnic.

Be sure you’re not driving ,

The stuff will sneak up on you
like some kinda Beer Swiper
from outer space.


HOY !!!!!



You Don’t Want To Be A Doormat

dorI had to drop in
on a sick friend
today at her home
in the local palatial
trailer park.

She’s been outta sorts
and all with the flu,

…and has been in
need of some normal,
healthy human contact.

( and since nobody normal
and healthy was available,
I went instead. )

I was wearing my N-95
mask respirator when
she opened the door.cigarettes and repirators

I don’t think she thought
it was all that
funny, though.

But, no worries–

— I think the lump
on my head should
heal in a coupla days.

I brought her some
Vicks Vapor Rub,
…. hoping she’d want
help rubbing it on —
— ( she didn’t ) —

and, also :

some of my Mom’s
world famous,chcikeny
award winning,
special recipe
chicken noodle soup

It’s available at
any grocery store,
…… just look for the
red and white label,

M’m! M’m!


Anyhoo–encore toi

She’s got this
funny door mat —

They used to call it
a welcome mat,

…… but I don’t think
this one qualifies.

just in case you’re of
them guys who were
too busy paying
attention to how short
the high school French
teacher’s skirt was,

….. instead of to the
valuable French language
lesson she was trying to
I will translate.

( Actually so was I —
….. but you always got
Google Translate in a
pinch, ya know. )

It says: ” Oh Shit —
Not You Again

I guess she was expecting me.


I hadn’t realized
you could get funny
doormats like that.

I guess I don’t visit
people much.

I’m not sure I’d
get one for my
house, though.

I’ve kinda learned
my lesson
about trying to be funny
around the house.

I remember back
in the early 80’s,
when answering
were all the rage.

I had gotten a tape of
different celebrity impersonators
doing funny
‘leave your message at the tone’
blurbs — under

There were like 10 or 12 different voices, saying semi-witty stuff.

Well, I had put this
tape on my machine,

…and it wasn’t but a
couple of days before
I started getting
calls at all hours —

But, they wouldn’t
leave a message–
’cause they didn’t
want to talk to me.

clothesPeople were calling just to listen to the tape.

If I answered, you might hear some snickering,

but otherwise,
they’d just hang up and
call back until I didn’t.

22Finally, I had to take the
answering machine
off the line.


That’s the kinda thing that makes you wanna be a people person, don’t it?


Getting back to the
whole funny doormat thing.

Despite the surprising variety
of witty doormats available….

and the fact that my dog
might actually enjoy the
attention and amusement
that one of these doormats
might generate for her ….
(….she might actually
think I bought it for her … )

I’m thinking that
since my very
hard earned lesson
with the whole 1980’s answering machine debacle—-

…..that maybe I will not avail
myself of the opportunity
to express myself in this way.

Somehow, I don’t think
the mailman guy really
cares what my doormat says,

…..and from what I’ve been
able to glean from his delivery style,
I’m not even sure he can read, anyway.

And I certainly don’t want
people coming over to my house
at all hours of the day and night
to read my doormat.

it could happen.




Out Of Touch

wallI musta been crazy.

A buddy of mine
brought his two
teen-aged daughters
into the gym,

— and they were
trying to be nice
to the weird lookin’
muscular old guy (me)
who was their father’s friend
by talking about how
important their cell phones,
and particularly,
D13714_2their time online,
was to them.

They meet their dates online,
they keep their selfies online,
they learn their exercise routines online,
they stay in touch with their friends online —
—- they post their entire lives online.

It’s not like the old days,
when people actually
had to see each other
in person to relate to them —

Now, you can carry
on your whole life ONLINE,
and never have to
worry about things
like getting dressed up,
going somewhere,
and then dealing with germs,
bad food, awkward
bad breath,
bad dates,
bar chemistry,
or the heartbreak of B.O.

so I admit the
seemed rather
patronizing to me —

And so I,
deluded as it may be,
— informed them
that I was indeed
also ‘with it’ —

Because I have a blog.

Man, the look I got was …..


Giggle, giggle, giggle.

Daddy, that is
soooo last decade.

Your friend is obviously clueless. grandma

O K.


I hate to tell y’all who are reading this tripe,

—- but apparently,
so are you,
if you’re a blogger.

We are to current
electronic media trends generation_gap
what ‘Pong’ is to XBOX 17
(or whatever the fuck number they’re up to now)

We are dinosaurs, baby.

We are out of sight,
and out of mind.

Washed up,
done over,
and flotsam falling
off the edge of the world,
never to be seen again.

And it’s not even
like I didn’t know it — oops
— and like you don’t know it.

so we ain’t hip,
hop, hep, hot, ho,
or hics with a
yen for chit chat.

What we’re doing ain’t
got nothing to do with
or Twitster,
or FlipBook,
or Snapsnort —

We’re as anti-cool
as an Easy Bake Oven.

I, 4 1 (for one),
am down (OK)
with dat (that)

Just sayin.

!!!! HOY !!!!!



Gabbing About Gestalt

legsOne minute you see it,

One minute you don’t.



It’s hoodoo —
or voodoo —
or witchcraft,
or something…..animals


It’s way more
spooky than that.

It’s about human psychology–
and how we perceive things.

Gestalt is a funny thing.

Observing how your mind
takes a single line,
shape, color, or contrast–
—  or a group of them,

and turns it into a
whole concept
is not only interesting,

…… but can produce
some really startling

For example…..gestalt

Do you see a pretty girl,
or a guy playing the saxophone,
in this picture?

Look again, man.

Anybody who’s ever gone to a psychologist….

( and as a child, I went to many —
— surprise, surprise, huh?

…… knows what a
Rorschach ink blot test is.

You’re supposed to look
at a blob of nothing —

….. and tell them the
first thing that comes
to mind.

Of course,
a reasonable
person would think —

But no, that’s nota
how it’s supposed to work.

And with me,
it seemed
to go rather badly.

The guy would hand me
one of those
ink blot things,

and I’d say it looked like a naked lady.

He’d hand me another one,

….and I’d say that one
looked like a naked lady,

After a couple rounds of this,
he finally remarked :

It seems like you might have
an obsession with sex, young man.

I was shocked,
mortified, stunned …

( ok… not all that much, really )

Hey,”, I said ..

You’re the one that keeps showing me dirty pictures, man.

It’s all a matter of perception, ya see.


Look at this picture.


Maybe it just looks like
a bunch of blocks to you.

And really, that’s all it is.

But your mind wants to put
it all together into a unified package.

So, back up a bit from the screen,
and presto — you’ll get the message.

I’m not sure it’s all that accurate, mind you …

I’ve been wearing glasses
all my life and …. wait .


Next slide, please.


I’m gonna give you a little task to perform.

No— not that.

Later, perhaps.

Quickly– I want you to tell
me the color each of these words.



Not what the word says
but what color the word is.

not all that easy, is it ?

You look at the word ORANGE,
and it’s hard to say BLUE,
…. even though you see it IS blue.

That’s because the brain
stores color information,
and language information,
in two different parts of the brain.

And the information from
one part is overriding the
information from the other part.


Welcome to my world, baby.

Often, an image or representation won’t give you a lot of information.

And your brain will try to
fill in the blanks, as it were.

Observe the simple cues in the picture —
color, shape, and a few letters.

Yet, very few people
would fail to come
to a quick conclusion
of what this image is.

Corporations use this concept
a good deal to their advantage,

………….. in everything from logos to advertising.

After all, why tell you stuff
about their product that
might be true, or might not….

…. when they can lead you
to draw your own assumptions/conclusions.

And since all the parts necessary
to make an accurate decision aren’t provided,
well, it’s not hard to see the
potential errors that can be made.

Harmless or not, these kinds of ads
are very persuasive, and appeal
to the deepest reaches of the mind.

But it’s not the only technique they use on you.

Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Take this example —
the new Wendy’s logo. mom

See the word under the girl ?

Why is it there?

To give you a
subliminal impression —
home, apple pie —
and, of course, MOM.

Again —
‘they’ don’t want you
to notice it consciously.

They’re playing upon a
necessary function of your brain —
— the ability to make
sense of the world around us –

but, of course,
using it for their own purposes.

Me, I prefer more recreational uses.


Tell ’em, Frank.