“I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”
(Memo from the
legal beagle office
to all the V-D
haters out there:
While it is technically a
to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,
as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.
buck up buttercup.
We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,
—- now in progress.
My friends ,
I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.
— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
about what it’s all about.
If I only really knew.
You can call it love, sure.
Or lust, sure.
Or romance, sure.
Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.
But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,
It’s Valentines Day.
But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )
Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,
…..and you got the ideal present.
Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …
But for us guys…
that’s another story –
’cause women are complicated creatures….
with complicated wants, needs and desires…
Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,
It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.
‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..
and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….
I’ll give you an example.
now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….
(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)
…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –
he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….
it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..
well, it’s year later ….
he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,
and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….
—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –
don’t make yourself redundant.
Just ask yourself –
is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?
If you insist on buying a sexy present,
I recommend getting something SAFE-
maybe a sexy board game……….
hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?
…………. blue circles .
Okay, maybe a food item.
…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.
Stuff you might not be able say with words,
……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.
and, if she has a sweet tooth….
well, ALL THE BETTER!
Lingerie might be a good bet.
It’s certainly true….
… the old male maxim…
That there’s not a woman in the Universe,
who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..
……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.
Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.
How about some exotic Booze?
… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……
….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………
(well, they were Virgins once…..)
or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,
This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..
and it’s got quite a reputation……
A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.
Valentines Day, that is.
they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….
(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )
maybe candy IS safer—
Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—
Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.
when it comes to this kinda thing…
It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”
Words to live by, my friend.
Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.
especially if you don’t know the lady that well,
and you’re trying to rectify that…….
The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.
See, that brings up another problem….
Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….
Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….
Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.
you really should think this one completely through.
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….
Even if you just go for the bad ink,
and three day drunk route.
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..
Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.
— that thought :
It should actually read:
“Nihil moderatum” —
“Nothing In Moderation”.
Not quite the same, you see.
‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.
If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.
It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )
As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.
The more I get to
thinking about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….
plenty to choose from.
And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…
— smoking in front of Santa.
You never heard
of second hand smoke?
That poor guy’s got
have some respect.
You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.
Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.
Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.
I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….
I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.
But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.
I find the vintage
ones the strangest.
And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….
………. or the happy Nun.
Like I said,
I went to Parochial School —
I KNOW about Nuns.
And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
You take some brass
and add an island beat,
you get Ska.
You take some lemongrass,
yogurt, and spiced beef,
you get a L.A. taco.
You take some normal
Sumatra coffee beans,
let something that looks
like a skunk-cat-racoon
( a civet ) digest ’em
for a couple days,
you get very expensive
What does it taste like?
don’t ask ME –
I’m not drinking it. )
( I think they mighta
named a book after that. )
Fusion is all about
putting one thing
that ain’t anything
at all like another
Sometimes you get
Imagine Ernest Borgnine
marrying Ethel Merman.
B O O M.
It lasted about
a day and a half.
(actually, a couple weeks)
I can’t help but wonder
what their wedding night
was really like.
I know, sick,
but I do that.
As I said, fusion can cause
some bizarre reactions.
Maybe I didn’t say that,
but I did just then, so….
Now if I can only remember
what my point was……
!!! HOY !!!
Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.
And, guess what.
Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–
it’s EVERYWHERE you look.
….. if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.
Or lie back.
Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.
Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.
I do feel yer pain, trust me.
And that’s not just because I administered it, either.
… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..
It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….
where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,
…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.
I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-
I hate those things.
It never fails….
I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,
— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.
Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.
I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.
If this just had happened once or twice….
…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.
( No, I’m not…. )
Ummmm…. , I mean,
……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.
( No, I can’t ….. )
Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.
It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —
I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.
I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,
…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.
I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.
I’m not cheap about it.
I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.
Cause it’s worth it.
Just order it, wrap it —
……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.
If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.
The world is yer oyster.
Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )
Lynch mobs can get ugly.
Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….
Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,
…….. and their most popular model — that guy.
No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.
………… lemme get a picture.
Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-
It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.
See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.
Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?
People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!
It might explain a lot.
It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —
Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.
Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.
And speaking of tight asses…..
( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )
…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?
… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-
…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.
You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.
This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….
( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )
And speaking of Gabby….
What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?
Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.
( over and over and over and over and over again… )
A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.
Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….
… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )
…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.
Oh, and pardon my French.
Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—
Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.
He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.
Of course, it’s $40……
so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,
……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.
It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.
You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )
What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.
Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.
I know you got one in your office– everybody has.
It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.
At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..
And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.
Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,
….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.
But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.
………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.
Well, just remember: