It’s Getting Up In Here

ditaIt started with the
slightest touch
of her hand… 

and as she moved
it across his body,
a shock wave
of sensation a2
radiated right
through him. 

The pulsing of the
electricity 
between
them was palpable. 

And once the
extension cord

was fitted into
the proper outlet,

— the power exchange
would become
almost irresistable.

.

Ok–

So,think
I’m no
Anaïs Nin .

(Pretty obvious, that)

But the above
short write…

(– and the very cute
Dita Von Teese gif)
unusual
goes to show you
just how quickly a
person’s attention
can be drawn
by that
oh,
so simple,
and yet,
oh, so
complicated thing
they call sex. confu

My intent today
is to post just
a few vintage things
that talk about
that subject
in a very subtle way —

And that can
be difficult wartime

— for several reasons —

not the least of which
is because
there are
so many flavors
from which to choose.

Another,
of course,
is how one chooses
to interpret stuff —

double entendres
can easily fall
so completely flat
with the wrong audience.

And still another
is just how subtlethreetimes
something can be
without it seeming
that I’m reading stuff
into it that just
ain’t really there.

So,
let’s call it
a challenge,
if you will.

Cause we why
all know
that I’m not
exactly
a subtle guy.

Still…
I might be able to find
some things that will
make you say —

“Ahhhhhh yes.” hard

or

“Ohhhhhh baby. “

or

“Mmmmm that’s it.” 

Or maybe just a :

” A little more
to the right, please.” 

Hey,
Whatever you like.

I just wanna
make you
happy, ya know.

HOY !!!!!

smart

 

Pull Da String

muPull Da String !

One thing is for certain…….

I’m easily amused.

And even more
easily distracted.

I must be,
man.

A good friend
of mine
( Hiya C )
has suggested
another post on puppets…….mule

Now, if you haven’t
been keeping track,

(shame on you)

I’ve posted a couple
of different thingsrabbit
about puppets over the years
that the Muscleheaded Blog
has been on WordPress……

( like this one,
— or this one )

And while I thoughthandshadow
that all those posts
were pretty
semi-amusing,

they really didn’t nearly cover
all the special nonsense,
niceties and nuances
that the weird world of puppetsduck
has to offer.

And frankly,
I’m betting
that neither
will this one.

It’s funny ….camel
— just how
blogging works,
ya know.

As a practical matter,
you’d think that all
you’d have to do
is start writing about a subject,runci
and it’d be pretty easy
to end up with a cohesive
and intelligible product.

And maybe it does work
that way for some people.

But for me, with my
sempiternally short
attention span,
(sure it’s a word –
— look it up)
it’s hard to stay on track —

there’s so many directionsexhibit
that this post could take —

— even on a
relatively mindless
subject such as puppets.

I mean,
what’s a puppet anyway,
but something
that you either
shove your finger/hand up into –

… umm…
steady on, now….

— or something you control
with strings, levers,
poles, etc.fantasia

Simple things…..

— hey, you could even
make a bunch of puppets
out of nothing but light
and a couple of digits.

Which brings me to
the original direction
that this post was
going to take …..

how to make
shadow puppets….

that is, earlebergey
before all the pin ups
featuring puppets
starting wrecking havoc
with my imagination.

Hey,
dammit,
I’m sorry,
I really am.

Sure —
I coulda
stuck strictly
to the subject at hand….

(yeah, puppet-pun humor)fionastephensopn

but, I have my integrity
as a dirty minded
Musclehead to consider.

You cannot possibly hope
to understand
just how convoluted
it got around here —

as I tried to
boil this post down
to something

that would makeelvgre
a bit of sense.

I’m not talking
Pulitzer Prize, now….

Well, if they insisted,
I guess I’d accept,
but….

So anyhoo…

As the man said,
what you see
is what you get.

.

HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

elvgren

Already Disturbed

peterdribenHotels.

Mostly boring,
but occasionally
you notice stuff that
twerks your interest.

Strange noises
emanating out
of Room 417 —

Not screams
for help, exactly.

No,
more like …. a1

Hey, was that the
sound of a whip
I just heard ?

Oh well, I guess they
could be putting on a
version of “50 Shades”
in there…….

And judging from
the “Do Not Disturb” sign — 42
a very private showing,
indeed.

Not that the signs work
all that well, ya know.

Let’s say you’ve checked
into a semi-pleasant,
semi-reasonably priced,
semi-poshy hotel hoping
to get in a little R & R —

The California king size
bed is a nice big one —

already–suitable for just
about any situation,
you might be lucky
enough to find
yourself in later…..

They’ve provided a coffee maker,

complete with all the stuff
you need to make/drink it.

Mmmm….. cool
dark roast.

There’s an iron,

and a fold out thingee
to keep your suits,
Bermuda shorts,
or Pink Floyd T-shirts,

from looking like
they’ve been in a hurricane….

A multi-position shower head,
sexy smelling soaps,
lotions, potions and notions– multiplechoice

….. and even one of them
poncey-ass pull out
shaving mirrors,
fill the well appointed
bathroom.

The towels are deep plush,
Egyptian cotton.

The hotel has got a large,
warm, indoor pool,
and a hot tub/sauna area
that would be soon
calling your name.

There’s a bar downstairsdonotdisturb
that will be serving
cold beverages
around dinner time,
including some
that only adults are
permitted to consume,
(theoretically)
—- at absolutely
no additional charge.

And speaking of dinner,
there’s a primo steakhouse
right there in the hotel….

You don’t need
to go anywhere,
or do anything
you don’t wanna.

Life is good.

So, you strip off
and start to forget
about this crazy world
for a while —

And, despite your
Ole Uncle Nuts’
hard and fast advice
about going commando
on a hotel duvet,

—- you dive on in
and stretch out for
a cozy siesta.

Man, them Spaniards
got the right idea, don’t they?

Just as your life
at that moment
can’t get to seem any
more agreeable, though —-

—- suddenly at the door —–

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK — 
BANG BANG BANG —
THUD THUD THUD — 
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK 

Awww, well ……
— you don’t know
anybody there,
so it can’t be important.

They’ll go away in a minute,
….. and you can
go back topillow your
quality-lodging-induced
reverie,

Fantasizing about
the free booze,
fine food, and
fair maidens
all to found in the
lobby of the
self-said-same
quality lodging.

Yes, it certainly will
be nice to t………..

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
— again at the door.

Damn, they’re persistent
bastards,
aren’t they?

“Fuck OFF”,
you yell at the door,

….. as would be
appropriate for your
now-ruined aspirations
for some well earned rest.

But the beating, banging
and bashing continues,

….. until you finally
put your shorts on,
drag your poor road-tortured
carcass to the door,
and open it.

“Yeah, whatdayawant ?”,
you ask the well-worn
and half-crazed looking woman,
who was the perpetrator
of all that noise…..

She mutters something,
looks suddenly rather pale,
— and throws up on your foot.

“Can I use your phone?”,
she then asks,
without missing so much
as one half-note of a pause,hotel

— or even noticing
how miffed you now are,
for having some
lunatics’ gastric fluids
emptied upon you,
without even a ‘how’s yer father’….

….. simply because
you answered a
hotel room door,
and under protest,inhere
at that.

And I guess, there’s
no point at this juncture,
…. in my telling you
that this
kind of thing can
and does happen.

I just don’t think
signs are all that
effective in these
kinds of cases,
unfortunately.

Maybe cause some people
chrisnever learned how to read.

Still,
one has hopes.

I get a kick out of the variety
of the different signs I’ve seen…

I remember
when I was a kid,
my sister used to use one
on her door, even.

Although I can’t imagine
why she woulda needed one.bloom

Anyhoo….

I was in a hotel
last month in Philly,
and saw one hanging
on a room door,
….. that the folks
obviously brought
with them from home–

I can’t really show you,
… since this is a family
oriented blog (yeah, right) ,

but let’s just say the drawing featured was five stick people engaged in
entertaining each other.

The legend said:
We’re Busy —
But, Cum On In

And damn it,
I was way too tired
to even peek
my head in.

Another one
I saw in Philly
had a picture
of a couple of sheep…

It said:
Still Counting — counting
Disturb If You Dare
“.

I wouldn’t dream of it….

Even when I thought I heard
the faint, plaintive sound
of a lamb bleeting…..

ever so softly….

……. as I quickly made my
way past that room.

I did notice that
Hotel Housekeeping
spent an inordinate time
cleaning up that room
the next day, too.

Just sayin.

The mind boggles, man.

Most “Do Not Disturb”
signs aren’t really
inviting people
to come in, though,

…….. as much
inviting people
to keep away.

A little humor just
softens the ‘get lost’
vibe of them,
that’s all.

I can’t help
but wonder though….

And I’m no voyeur …

well, no more than
any other red blooded
American male, anyway..

But, doesn’t some
of these signs
make you more
curious to find out
what’s REALLY
going on
behind the door
that these
are hanging on ?

Like this one.

I mean,nopets
……. the sign
at the desk
specifically said
NO PETS !!!

Jeez…
some people
just can’t
follow rules,
I guess.

.

vintage

 

Fruity and Weird

Somebody once said
that travel broadens
the mind.

And I’m pretty sure
it broadens the rest
of you, too —

Just think about
all the
yummy food choices
from around the world,

bana

…….. and you’ll see
what I mean.

Having traveled
for a living for
as many years
as I did,

I have to say
that it gets
into your blood…..

One of the things
I always enjoyed
doing was/is
stopping in
at the local
farmer’s market.

Every city/country has
their own version of it,

— and several places
have some
spectacular ones.

I always rave about
the Khlong Toey
Market in Bangkok,

— even though,
my love for the place
and it’s fresh produce almostdurian got me thrown out
of a hotel —

Well, ok —

the sign in the
hotel lobby
did clearly read :

” PLEASE –
NO DURIAN
ALLOWED
IN HOTEL”
,a1

… but I just
kinda figured
that was only
for the tourists.

Ummm….

They won’t even let you
on the local Metro system
with it, dummy…..

No, Mister Muscleheaded —

it definitely applies to YOU.
(especially)

Let that be a swallow
lesson to you —

One more incident,
…. and we sic the
Arintharats on you.

Seriously,

I’m not even saying
I like the foul smelling,

even more foul tasting
fruit all that much…..durian

I do see why my
Thai friends love it –
— yep.

Thai food is all about
balancing the five flavors of food,

And Durian has ’em all
packed into one fruit.

But if you’re asking
what it tastes like to me….tatse

Well, imagine a mush
made out of:
grapefruit,
garlic,
onion,
burnt caramel
and kerosene —

then,
amp up the skunky
aroma to eleven —

— and you have thebreakfast
flavor and smell of durian.

It’s obviously an acquired taste,

and I haven’t really
acquired it.

But, I love to buy
strange fruit at Asian
farmers markets —

— and then,
bring ’em home,
and punk my friends.

Sure,
I can get Durian here
if I look hard enough,

But my friends will
suspect I’m up to
something if I
just spring a sudden
taste test on them
out of nowhere……

If I’ve just gotten back
from SOMEWHERE,

on the other hand,

everybody knows I like
to bring weird stuff back —

…. and usually,
they’re willing
to try some of it.

Poor dumb bastards.

Ah well.

I had a special mission
the last time I was over there–rambutan

I have this friend at my gym named Pam,

— and she’s a bit
of a primrose.

Anything that looks even remotely suggestive will
cause her to melt down,
blush all over and freak out.

So, of course,

I brought her back
a kilo of Rambutan.biscuit

These are really
mild tasting
and
wild looking —

— the flavor is a cross,
perhaps, between a Kiwi,
and a Lychee.

( ummmm–

A word in your ear about
bringing exotic food
back from far away lands —more

— the customs boys
don’t really LIKE it. )

Ahem.

Anyhoo….

back to my gym friend.

She takes one look at those
hairy little fruit Rambutan balls,

……… and she almost loses
grip of the treadmill.

So worth it.

Definitely.

!!! HOY !!!

PS: Thanks to Jen at
Blog It or Lose It
for the “Bite Me”  picture!

swell

.

More Chat-astrophies

Yes, just
when you
thought it
was safe
to start
texting again–

Today,
here on the
Muscleheaded Blog,
it’s time once again
for more “Chat-ast-rophies” .

Sure….
a2
It could happen
to anybody,
I guess….

You’re minding
your own business,
simply sending
a totally innocent
text message
to somebody,
and somehow 1a
things go all to hell
in a handbasket,
and toute suite.

Hooo boy,
and how.

Sometimes it’s
the damnable
auto-correct —

(which I’ve tried
to suppress
but it seems to have
a mind of it’s own) —a1

Sometimes it’s due
to a mental goof ,

or typing too quickly…

oh hell,

… maybe it’s not
thinking too quickly.

And sometimesa3
one of the parties
in the conversation
is just not all
that bright.

Here’s hoping
it ain’t you or I.

(It couldn’t be, could it?)

But, there’s plenty
of evidence out there
in internet landa4
that somebody
out there,
indeed, is an idiot.

I posted some
like these last year
and we had
plenty of fun
with them….

So, consideringa5
how parched
my creative juices
have left me
tonight, maybe
now’s the time
to let some more
of them out
of the proverbial bag.

Mailbag, that is.

a7Of course,
it’s easy enough
to laugh at the people
who originally
sent these things….

And I’m having a
pretty good time
doing just that.

But,a8
one must always
remember the
old adage
” There, but
by the grace
of God, go I “

Because we all
use this technology
in some way today,
and we can
all get burned
by it just as easily.

There’s a very thin linea9
between thinking
like a sentient,
intelligent being,

— and texting
like a senseless,
ignorant dolt.

One little screw up
and:

We’re going to Disney
becomes
We’re going to Divorce” .

I’ll fix it up for you
becomes
I’ll fuck it up for you

and

Butter
over potatoes

becomes
Butt hurt
over your taters
“.

Well,

Ok —

so, maybe
that last one
is a bit on the
unlikely side,

but still….

— Watch Out.
.

.


a6

 

Look Deep Inside

I guess the
old saying
that fore-warned
is fore-armed
(if that’s what it was?)
is somewhat applicable
on this post….

Today’s post
threatens
to break all
our previous records
for mediocrity,
and reality-based-
but-still-pretty-
questionable humor.

Why some folks keep
ickreading this blog
if they got so many
complaints about it,
well, I got no idea.

I mean,
sure,
I complain about it, too,

But I have to read it –
– cause I write it.

Oh well. 1

Let me start ya off with a quiz —

Don’t worry —
…the score won’t
go on your
permanent record.

What does this
look like to you?

At first glance,
you probably noticed
that this is an X-Ray
of somebody’s lower abdomen.

But…
“what is that obstruction?”
….. you might be asking.

I’ll give you a hint.

His first name is Buzz.

Now, just in case
you think I’m besmirching
the good name of that guy
who was the
second man on the moon….buzzl

(Talk about going
where no man
has gone before…. )

Nope…

………….. it’s this guy.

Buzz Lightyear.

Actually a toy —

Or should I say, an action figure.

And how.

No wonder he’s wearing a helmet.

Yes, my friends,

while the story of just how Buzz Lightyear ended up making that long, treacherous journey up into some individual’s bowels is lost to the morass of medical memory– shoved

(….. and the whole patient confidentiality thing…. )

…….. you can still revel in the marvels of at least 100 different things,
that have been somehow been shoved and stuck up into somebody in this book:

“Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted And Ingested In Places They Shouldn’t Be”

by a couple medical doctors,
Rich Dreben, Murdoc Knight, and Marty Sindhian.

In the aforementioned book,
you will be regaled by tails of ….

Wait…

a1aTales of:
light bulbs,
IPods,
shoes,
sunglasses,
perfume bottles,
soda cans,
coat hangers,
Barbie dolls,
jars of peanut butter
( crunchy style, of course ) ,
and other assorted every day ephemera
which ended up getting stuck ,
…… well, up there.

Pictures, too —
plenty of em.c

Here’s one featuring
a candy cane.

BAD Santa.

( I did warn that kid to stop complaining about the crap
he got on Christmas. )

The list of vegetable matter
in particular is impressive…

including:

Cucumbers,ajar
Onions,
Parsnips,
Apples,
Bananas,
Potatoes,
Salamis,
Turnips,
Zucchinis,
Plantains,

……… at least it’s nice to
know some folks are still
concerned about their nutrition.

And precautions, too —
….. the plantain had a
condom on it.aouch

Don’t want a lotta little plantains running around…

Or catch one of them plantain diseases we’ve been hearing so much about.

( I think I’m getting
carn-fuzed, here. )

There were also some interesting sharp objects on the list…

Like Ice Picks,
Screwdrivers,
Umbrellas,
A Jewelers Saw,
….. ya know, stuff like that.

Oh, and a bottle of
Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup.cassettetape

Mmmmm….. mapley.

So, anyhoo…

Y’all run right out
and buy that book.

I don’t want anybody thinking
I’m the only bastion of bad taste,
ya know.

Hey!!!

— so, that’s where my old
“Peter Frampton Live” cassette went !!!!

HOY!

.

xray

.

A Bull Of A Boner

bullofabonerOk–

Yes, I know.

I’m guilty.

I use both ambiguity
and innuendo in my blogs once in a while.

Hey-
What’s wrong
with an occasional one
double entendre,
anyway,
huh ?

Sometimes,
it’s sorta accidental,

– and sometimes,
maybe not so much.

I do love to use ’em,
though,
and I guess
it shows.

But it’s not like
I invented it, man.contagious

This kind of language play
goes way, way back —

Homer’s “Odyssey”
had examples of it.

So did “Lysistrata”
by Aristophanes —

They certainly were responsible
for Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales”big
having such a racy reputation,

— even back in the 14th century.

And the ole Bard ,
— ya know,
William Shakespeare–

mighta been considered just another hack,

if he hadn’t relied
heavily on puns like:

In ‘Henry V’:

“Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.”

.

In ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’:holdout

But I might see Cupid’s fiery shaft
Quenched in the chaste beams of the watery moon.”

or:

“I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all!”

or:

“I’ll ride your horse
as well as I ride you.”play

.

In ‘Romeo and Juliet’:

“O Romeo, that she were,
O that she were an open-arse
And thou a popp’rin’pear.”

.

In ‘Hamlet’:

HAMLET- Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA- No, my lord.
HAMLET- I mean,
my head upon your lap?

OPHELIA- Ay, my lord.
HAMLET- Do you think
I meant country matters?rebus

OPHELIA- I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET- That’s a fair
thought to lie between maids’ legs.

OPHELIA- What is, my lord?
HAMLET- Nothing.

.

Or from ‘Twelfth Night’ :

“By my life, naughty
this is my lady’s hand

these be her very C’s,
her U’s and her T’s

and thus makes she
her great P’s.”

.

And in modern times,

there were celebrities
who made a living
making jokes like that.

.

— Mae West:
“Marriage is a fine institution,
but I’m not ready for an institution”

.

and,edition

— Groucho Marx:
“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

.

Both Groucho and Mae
were past masters of the
double entendre.

Almost anything they said
could be interpreted in
more than one way. sparker

Hence the ‘double’ in …

Oh well,
you get the idea.

These things can be built on simple puns,
or turns of phrase.

They can be based on
antonyms,
synonyms,
homonyms…..

Hell,
any kind of ‘nym’ you want.

Best of all,line
once you get good at it,
you can take just
about anything
and make a
double entendre out of it.

And,
of course,
double entendres
don’t HAVE to be dirty.

(Awwww—-
— you’re just
no fun any more. )

Me,
I just like ’em better
when they’re dirty.

Remember-  milk
Celibacy can be a very hard thing.

Or as Zsa Zsa Gabor once observed:

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he’s finished.”

Ahem.

So today,

I thought
I would slide
some interesting double entendre cards in on you…

You know,
….. run ’em up the flagpole,
and see who salutes.

HOY!

bigscrew1919