It’s Mail Call

a1It’s Mail Call !!!

During my time
in Navy boot camp,
all those years ago,

(yow-
time flies, huh?)

I can still remember
how much
we could always
look mailcallforward
to Mail Call —

It was then
that you got
all the goodies
from home
(if you had any)

that your loved
ones sent ya
(if you had any) —

and catch up on
your romantic
entanglementsa6
(if you had any) —

and otherwise,
share the wealth
with your buddies
(if you had any).

Of course,
that’s when the
bad news and
‘Dear John’ letters
came, too.

It’s much easier
to tell somebody
you’re taking up
with his best friend by mail —
especially when you know
he can’t just come
home right away.

So, it does happen –
– a lot.

Still, a boxload of
Grandma’s cookiespopular
would make it all
better, man.

Even if it was
somebody else’s
Grandma who made ’em.

Hey-
sharing is caring.

And now,
with the able assistance
of the Müscleheaded Blog —
avy
you, too, can experience
all the magic and mystery
of military mail call,

without all the inconvenience of:

having some big,
ugly Master Chief
screaming at you
to get your lazy ass
out of the rack for
reveille every morning —forgotten

without all the
rigmarole of:

folding and refolding
shirts, pants and underwear
over and over
and over and over  —

without all the silliness of:

making a bunk with
‘hospital corners’
so tight you could
bounce a quarter of it….a9

and without the pain of:

stowing your gear
in a lock box so small
you couldn’t keep
4 rubbers and a
full sized pin up
of Brigitte Bardot in it….

(not that you’d
need those rubbers,
anyway )

Ahem.

To give you a feeling
of what that
experience was like,
well….
it always started with
a bunch of guys
milling arounda4
trying to look like
they were busy —

Cause if you didn’t look busy,
the Navy could always find
something for you to do.

— you know,
like shining boots
that already reflected
your D.I’s face
better than a new
chrome bumper,a8

or walking around
with a clip-board
and occasionally making
a random check mark
or drawing a doodle —

Or, if the ‘smoking
lamp’ was lit —
well,
you were busy keeping
RJ Reynolds in business,
with a smoke in one hand,a1
and some Navy coffee
in the other.

You can always tell
if it’s Navy coffee —
cause it’ll eat through the bottom of a Styrofoam cup.

It’s not bitter exactly.
‘Harsh’ is more the word…..

Sorta like ‘Roseanne Barr
singing the National
Anthem’ in a mug.a99

Try facing THAT
first thing
in the morning, man.

So, anyway —

A guy would come in
with a huge mail bag
looking a bit like Santa,
(sans reindeer)
and start mispronouncing
last names.a5

I get how
somebody could
mangle MY name —
it’s Polish and has more consonants
than Roseanne Barr
has bad jokes.

But just how hard
do you have to work at it
to get ‘Jones’
or even ‘Smith’ wrong ?????a7

John Q. Bluejacket —
that one,
they’d get right, I bet.

There’d just be too
many of us, though.

He’d start handing out
envelopes and packages —
and if you were very lucky,a3
eventually he’d hand you
one or two.

Now, I know it
doesn’t sound all
that exciting,
but when you’ve been essentially
cut off from contact
with the outside world
for 9 weeks,
it was a big thing, baby.

Christmas, New Years,
and Halloween all in one.a2

Best thing ever, it seemed.

Especially since there
wasn’t such thing
anything remotely
like a conjugal mail call.

At least not that I
heard about, anyway.

HOY !!!!

a1

>

 

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Doggies Of The Dewey Decimal System

Sometimes,
when I don’t have
any fresh reading
material…….

(and I’m bored
outta my mind ),

I like to go wander
the storied halls of
the local B**s and N**e
bookstore —

Sure,
ok…

the coffee area
is appreciated  
( and that cute
redhead behind
the counter is a real
sweetie) but what I
really like is what
seems a rather
randomly selected,
but certainly extensive,
range of books on
just about any subject
you can name.

( ok- dirty books
excluded, but ya
can’t win em all )

I’ll walk in, and then,
straight to the non-
fiction area-

…. looking for the
religion, philosophy,
and psychology aisles.

It’s a huge store, and
a comparatively small
percentage of the place
is dedicated to non-fiction,
but I usually find some
special things that will
just have to go home
with me.

Today’s selection
included a book on
advanced induction
techniques (Hypnosis) –
a tome on Comparative
Religion (Joseph Campbell) –
and another, a continuation
of a series of books
explaining the way humans
perceive the world around
them (“The Handbook
Of Perception”).

You might be
seeing some
posts based
on those
subjects once
I’ve digested
them……. 

Oh, and
let’s see…..

– there was also
a big honkin book
with lots of pictures
of classic automobiles
from the 1950’s and 1960’s,
which probably should be
entitled:
” An Overgrown Boy’s
Book of Cool Cars “.

Score,
baby.

Oh, and
let’s not forget
the fresh copy of:
” Zen and the Art of
Motorcycle Motorcycle “

— sure, I know I’ve got
two copies already,
but this one gonna
be a gift.

Time has a tendency
to get away from me
in that place…..

I think the manager
was worried she might
have to feed me if I
hung around for
much longer.

I used to be that way
at the Public Library,
too–

– lost among the stacks-

but I always wanted to
keep the books once I
had ’em,

( I’m very possessive of
books, and records, and
other stuff… )

— and they kinda
frowned on that –

– the fines got rather
expensive while the
library people tried
to convince me to
give ’em back.

It was always hard
to part with a book
once I’ve read it –
– it’s way too much
like breaking up.

Nope,
love isn’t
something that
should be rented,
or borrowed –
– aspects of it
should linger
on and on…
– for keeps –

And so, damn it,
are my books
for keeps .

Because books give,
and give,
and keep giving –

– you only need
to give them a place
in your home and
your heart , and
appreciate them
in return….

they’re like
paperback puppies,
hardcover hounds,
or the Doggies
of the Dewey
Decimal System.

No,
I don’t have
the room
for any more books
( I’m told )

… but,
there really is
no other option
for me.

Online digital
‘books’ ??

well,
all I got
to say is
pphhooooooooey.

😛

.

!!! HOY !!!

The Friday Mail Bag

shingleDeep,
deep
deep
down
in the very depths
of the mailbag —

—-  lurks …..

Well,
who knowsatake
WHAT.

But,
we’re gonna try
and find out
on today’s post.

This is the
ultimate
grab-bag post….

I got no plan,
no sequence,
no theme.

Just stuff my
readers have tempt
sent me,

that I stashed away
for the day
when I’d figure out
how to put it
to some use.

And obviously,

I haven’t done a
real good job
with that, so far.

There are some really
interesting pieces here,
though,paris

— and it would
be a shame
for them to rust away
in digital purgatory,

until the time comes
when I get my head
outta my ass.

I’m beginning
to think
it’s stuck there
permanently,
so……a2

What’s really scary is that
I’ve finally figured how to
walk around that way.

Anyhoo…….

If you wanna reach
down there with me,

well, I’m more
than comfortable with that.lenticular

A little more to the left, please.

Ahem.

Order me another shot of
Wild Turkey and Seven-Up,
and we’ll see what we come up with.

Now, I know you’re probably
thinking that
Yer Ole Uncle Nuts
has gone all sloppy,

and is now
reduced to posting
blurry pictures of hotties
for his own amusement.

And, while that’s probably
true to some point,
In this case, it’s not so.lenticular

Those postcards are was
were called ‘Lenticular’ cards,
from the 1960’s.

What we’d call 3-D.

Move it around, and you get a different view.

One minute,
she’s got clothes on,

The next minute,
she don’t.

Ahhh….
——- if life could only
be THAT simple.

.1906

The first example of a lenticular card
I could find is from 1906….

They appear to be making
rather nice, nice
in a tunnel of love.

Wooooo Hooooooo .

As long as they don’t tip the boat over.

.

juliachildOh,
now this postcard
is a fascinating one  —

Did you know Julia Child
and her husband Paul had a ‘reputation’ ?

And,
yep–
that’s them alright.

Writer Nora Ephron wrote
that Julia and her husband, Paul,
led the sex life of “a couple of rabbits”.

Apparently, it workedoffice
pretty well for them —
—  they were married over 50 years.

I guess everything does go
better with butter.

.

I got this next set
from my boss at work.

He just hired a very
vivacious new office assistant,

…. and I was bitchin’ that
I need/deserve one more
than he does.a3

So he found me one.

Actually,
several.

Hardeeey
Har Har.

That’s all
I got
to say.

That,

—– and he can
forget me pullin’
any more overtimexoffice
for a while.

One of these days,
Alice…..

one of these days.

Bang Zoom.

One of the most popular
Mutoscope card series
in the 1940’s was
called “Your Future Mate ” —shave

You put in your penny,

— and the machine
spat out a card
describing somebody’s idea
of who you
were matched with.

I don’t know whose match
“Lotta Beaver” was —
( Really?
“The Human Soup
Strainer?” )

Or whether they were aware
of the depth of the weird
double entendre
they were making.

But, take it from me….unsafe

Shaved
really is better.

Just sayin’.

.

Ya know…..

( How do you
like that
for a totally
non-sequitur segue ? )

Some guys
don’t understand –
-the powers-
of flowers.Image result for french postcard flowers

But I do.

A simple thing
like a
bouquet of posies
can turn
your girl’s day around.

And that’s always
gonna mean
a good thing
for you, too.

Here’s proof.flowers

This French guy
just got there —
and he’s already
in the chips.

The postcard is
from around 1905 —
it’s hand-tinted, and gorgeous.

Speaking of flowers….

….. if you’ve never read
my post “What Color Is Your Rose” —

Well,
now’d be a good damn time
to catch up on your reading.

‘Cause I am out
till next time.

Hoy!

stop

The Ins And Outs Of English

bicepsIt’s a funny language,
English iz.

You can have a word
that means one thing,
… and the opposite thing
all at once.

Take BUCKLE for instance.

It can mean
to secure something —
You can buckle up
for safety.

Or it can mean to have
something fall apart
You can buckle
under the pressure.

I’m not saying that would
be a bit confusing for milk
someone just learning
the language, but….

….ummm yeah,

they’re likely to be
NON-PLUSSED.
( meaning
perturbed – or,
not perturbed
).

It is pretty raveled,
at that.

RAVELED
as in entangled–

not as in
dis-entangled.

Hmmmmm….

All this time I thought
my English teachers were
right about me being lazy
learning the ins and outs
of this language,

flammableBut now,
I’m thinking maybe
I was just another victim—

Screwed by it’s contronyms.

That’s SCREWED in
a bad way, of course,

……. and not in the
much better way,

but thanks for rooting for me.

Perhaps it’s not a puzzle
of quantum proportions,a
I guess.

And, that’s PUZZLE
as in a problem,

………….. and not as in the
act of solving one.

QUANTUM as in
significantly large,

as opposed to quantum
as in significantly small.

Wait.

I ENJOIN you, please….
(enjoin as in prohibit,
not to require)

not to SANCTION me
(sanction as in punish,
not as in support)

I’m not trying to make
an APOLOGY for the
eccentricities of
this language, after all,
…… or apologizing to
serve as an apology
of it, either.

But, you could build lierally
quite a moronic
oxymoronic
sentence if you
really wanted to.

I’m BOUND
(unable to escape) to say,

that I’m bound
(free to travel)
to continue finding
these little bastards
all over the language,

…… is AUGHT
(everything, nothing)
I’m saying.

And don’t even get me
started on the word
LITERALLY.

That one drives people
crazy every day —

if you don’t believe me,

…… just look it up and you,
too will be completely
CHUFFED.

Ok—
Yes, I admit this is
a rather DISCURSIVE post…

…… although I’m not sure
how a blog can be orderly,
and aimless at the same time.

Hey–
I know.

….. how about a PIN UP?

PS…. Like the way I so subtly
SPLICED those two things together ?
Joined, as opposed to cutti….

oh, never mind, dammit.

….. Just call it another
NEAR MISS, ok ?
(With suitable apologies to Gil Elvgren. )

!!! HOY !!!

.

anearmisselvgren

.

There’s a whole lot more of this crappy blog,
— if you’re bored and completely out of your mind….

Start here, maybe.

HOY !

Innovations For Knuckleheads

dreamdateI used to have a cousin whose occupation was ‘inventor’.

( I dunno —
he might still be
my cousin, I guess )

I don’t know what kinda
stuff he invented that
ever went to market,

…..but I do know that
he claimed to have invented
an automatic hen fertilizer
that eliminated the need
for roosters.

It’s probably one of the
reasons I hated the guy,
I dunno.

( Damn traitor . )

Anyway, the way I see it:

There are three kinds
of inventions.

1: The kind that benefits/
contributes to
the health or happiness
of society at large ….

like a new kind of
easily renewable sourcefirehazard
of fuel ,

or the electric light,

or the V-Twin Motorcycle.

Or, a homemade
hot dog roaster ??

.

2: The second kind is the
kind that benefits/contributes
to the health or happiness of
a small group of people
( ya know… for pure profit )
and ends up fucking just
about everybody else …..

like a new kind of easilyhatgun
manufactured chemical
weapon,

or a modified Franken-food
grain that won’t self replicate.

Sometimes, it takes time
before most people realize
that these ‘better living
through chemistry’ type of
inventions are about
corporate profits —-

and not something you
should actually get behind.

Take DDT wallpaper —ddtwallpaper

Oh,

Just perfect for the
nursery, huh ?

Sure.

.

3: The third kind of invention
is the one that really serves
very little purpose other
than make you say:

HUH —
Uh….
…. what you use THAT for
? ” .yodel-o-meter

A yodel meter,
for instance.

Usually, this third type is
a product of a bored imagination with more
idle time on it’s hands
than would be recommended,

and of course,
the end product of the very
minimal expectations that
the inventor started out
trying to achieve.1

It’s the kinda product that,
if it goes to market at all,

…. is advertised at
three in the morning on TV commercials featuring
a loudmouth pitchman
waving his arms around
like his ass just caught fire.

But, they’re alwaysciggie
easy enough to find .

Go anywhere there’s a
guy with a rolling kiosk
and a wearable microphone —
and you’ll see em.

Go to the inside buildings
at the flea market —
you’ll see em.

Go to the local ‘dollar store’ —
you’ll see em.

I like the vintage
ones the best, though.

In the 1930’s,
bad inventors
had their own magazines —

and they would
often feature
articles on how
to recreate
things their readers
had come up with.

Kinda like a DIY guide to:

“How To Not Invent
Anything Worth A Damn ”

I mean,
some of them
worked, sorta.

And some of them,
well…..6

I’m thinking not.

Oh well…

Before anything good
ever comes to fruition,
you’ve got to put it on paper.

So,
back to the
drawing board, right ?

HOY !!!

drawing board