Re: The Health Benefits of Touching

So,
judging from the
title of this here post,

you might be thinking
that your Ole Uncle Nuts
might be feeling a bit
sensually deprived and
detached,

… confused by the
whole lack of tactility
involved in all things digital.germless

Hmmm….

Ordinarily, I’d say that
you might have
something there.

But this time, well,

Ya see….
I was getting ready to
write my daily post,

…. which I was going to entitle the:
“The Health Benefits of Touching“.

And this song came on Spotify: touchmedoors

Come on,
come on,
come on,
come on —

Now touch me, baby
Can’t you see that I am not afraid?
What was that promise that you made?
Why won’t you tell me what she said?
What was that promise that you made?
Now, I’m gonna love you
Till the heavens stop the rain
I’m gonna love you
Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Now touch me, baby

( Lyrics from ”Touch Me
by the Doors:
Written by Robby Krieger. )

Ok… so you know the song.

And, as I started to write,

I got sidetracked mulling
over just how ironic it is for
me to be using the above
song lyrics- “Touch Me”
by the Doors Robby Krieger —

— to open a post about
the “health benefits of touching”—–

Considering the original title
of the song wasn’t ” Touch Me “,
at all —
— but ” Hit Me “. dont

I kid you not.

Robbie Krieger was constantly having fights with his girlfriend,

…. and wrote the song during one of their more passionate disputations.

She apparently was quite a bantamweight.

Once Jim Morrison heard the song’s rough cut,

….. he decided he didn’t like the theme,

and thought something a bit
more in tune with the whole
‘love generation’ thing would be better.

A peace sign does kinda loses
it’s meaning when you’re
hitting somebody with it.

donttouchWell, anyway, it’s a long story,

and entirely off topic from what I wanted to post about,

…….. which is the “health benefits of touching”.

It’s funny how different an original concept can be from the finished product, isn’t it?

—a work can be so changed during the process of it’s creation and production as to alter the impression and meaning of a work completely.

I always say, when it happens to me,
….. that it’s a function of my short attention span….

aaaI’ll start working on a project,

…… say, the “health benefits of touching”,

and thinking,

Hey, it’ll be a pretty straight forward deal.

But, I think the process of editing
and refining a work often brings
out ideas and concepts that ,

…. although originally not even
intended as a part of it, end up
taking charge of the piece.

Not that it has anything really
to do with the “health benefits of touching“.

touchI think you know what I mean…..

Maybe you’re just not into your subject all that much–

Maybe something entirely different is screaming to get writ —

and all you keep doing,

… is try to write a stupid post
on the “health benefits of touching“.

Boy, howdy — that always seems to happen to people.

Not to me, of course.air

If I set down ready to write about something, no matter how mundane or sublime the subject might be —

Whether the post is a simple humor piece, a lifestyle article on the “health benefits of touching” ,
or a complicated review of high tech gear,

— I’m as focused as a Phalanx CIWS
Radar Guided Laser, man.

Whatever the fuck that is.

Ok..
so maybe I do get distracted from time to time.

hugzIn the process of writing,

yer mind wanders,

sense memory and visual cues kick in,

word play sparks different connotations……

the next thing you know,
….. you went from soufflé to scrambled eggs.

I was the member of a garage band once like that.

Not that it has anything to do with the “health benefits of touching“, either .

We had brought in this guy to play bass on a song we couldn’t get right,

….. and the band ended up being named after him, fer chrissakes.

I’m not saying it’s always a good thing, mind you.

After all, I bet you never heard
of the Gerard Remilard Band, right ?

goofusOf course not.

And I’m not implying that it was the name of the band that was responsible for our utter lack of success….

It definitely had some small relationship to the fact that none of us had any musical talent to speak of.

But, still.

You gotta be careful.

Editing can change everything, man.

Now,
….  about the Health Benefits of Touching ….

a1

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Perplexing Prognostications

“The future belongs to those
who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Have you ever wished that
you could tell the future?

I guess everybody feels
that way,
once in a while.

But,
I’ve always thought
that spontaneity
is part of what
makes life interesting —

( ….. that, and redheads)swami

Do I really wanna know that:

Tomorrow it’s gonna rain,

Next week I’m gonna
get an assessment to pay for the new City Hall,

Next month I’m gonna have another toothache,

Next year I’m gonna crash
my kayak into a bridge–

10 years from now,
(ok– maybe 15)

enochbollesI’m gonna need to ask the Doc for a little blue pill…

……………………….. and,
man,

I don’t even want to talk about October, 2036.

Naaahh —

I’d much rather find out
about all that then.

Oh sure, you say,
but what if Mrs. Roosevelt was right,

— you simply need to believe in your dreams,

to have them come true.dwig

Hmmmm.

In that case,
then,

everything in the future would have to do with:

Lightning fast, unwreckable motorcycles,

( I’ll settle for screaming fast,
if necessary )

.

40, 000 square foot gyms with 2 of every piece
of Hammer Strength equipment ever made…a

( And nobody on ’em
when I wanna use ’em,
… and with my own personal
parking space, dammit )

.

cardsGaggles of concupiscent
Muscleheaded Blog
groupies of every size
and description,

– with a ‘special flying squad’
of curvy, redheads –

( Hey-
— it IS my dream, right? )

.

Thousands of great Rock and Roll
radio stations 24 hours a day,

elvgrenwith no commercials,

( absolutely NO music by
Elton John,
Steve Miller,
Queen,
Journey,
Supertramp,
or Manfred Mann —
they would be officially banned……
sorry, c. )

.

and Hawaiian Luaus
on every corner.

( Pass the ribs, please. )

.bud

Oh,
and Guinness coming out of the water taps.

( no, of course,
—- no Budweiser.)

.

As much as I’d to think
that I had that kinda power,

I’m pretty sure everybody else on the planet
would get sick of living in my dream,
pretty damned quick.

b(except for the free Guinness,
… and the redheads, of course )

And it’s only “Good to be the King”
when the populace ain’t banging
at the castle doors screaming for your head on a spear.

Otherwise,
— it can really suck.

Let ’em drink Guinness.

Anyhoo…..

I was looking through a
book with predictions
that have been made a1
by various past prognosticators —

and some of them
struck my irony bone, a bit.

.

One of the greatest inventors
of our time,
Guglielmo Marconi, predicted that:

“The coming of the wireless era will make war impossible, because it will make it ridiculous.”

Well, he was right about the ridiculous part, anyway.

.

zHere’s one from out in left field —

The chief executive of a popular 1950’s
vaccum cleaner company, Lewyt:

“Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners
will probably be a reality in 10 years”.

Uh huh.

Give the consumer what they want, right ?

I do know his predictions sucked
worse than his vacuum cleaners.

.
1aThe Chief Engineer of the British Post Office in 1878 said:

“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.
We have plenty of messenger boys.”

I’m not sure just how he woulda coped with 1-900 numbers.

Wait–
maybe that explains why
everything moves slower over there, right?

.

I usually don’t like to read other people’s mail
( their diaries are another matter )

yesnobut, this one makes a fascinating read:

” Dear Mr. President:
The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’. As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.”


Signed, Martin Van Buren,
Governor of New York, 1830.

With foresight like that,
maybe he shoulda run for
president himself, huh?baseball

.

And lastly….

Having served in the U.S. Navy,
the term “Military Intelligence”
has always seemed to be an
oxymoron to me,

…but this one is particularly
worth remembering —

When asked about the
potential of the Atomic Bomb,seesall
Admiral William Leahy told
the newly installed President Truman:

“That is the biggest fool thing
we have ever done.
The bomb will never go off,
and I speak as an expert in explosives.”

It just goes to show ya —-
nobody’s really an
expert on anything.

.

dwig

 

FUN with Razor Blades

borisnatasha

A couple weeks ago,
I referenced one of my more ‘notorious’ posts
to a friend —

— only to then find 
that somehow it had
evaporated into
thin blog-space.

I was bum-fuzzled
to say the least.

I couldn’t find the
damn thing anywhere.

Then, I realized that I had
gotten a complaint about
it a while back, and had
tagged it as a draft until
I could get some time to
look at it and edit it,
if that was deemed necessary.

Well, I don’t remember
just what the hell the
complaint was, exactly,
and I’m not all that
much on changing my blog
up every Tom, Dick or
Mary, Mary Quite Contrary
doesn’t like something I said,
anyway-

so, since it’s been AWOL
for a while, here’s my
(unedited) take on
” Fun With Razor Blades “.

Oh,
by the way–

if you think that introduction
was long, wait until you read
the one that went with the post.

Just sayin.

.

Several years ago,
I was a member of
what was then
called a “Blog Ring”.

Basically, it was a
bunch of bloggers
who would draw a
random subject and
write about it.

It’s a matter of luck
on what subject you get —-

It was computer generated,a1
so it could be anything from
Vladimir Nabikov to Boris Badenov.

And optimally,
you’d like to draw a subject
that had some meat on the bone, ya know?

( I always wanted to do
one on Natasha, personally…
……. she was such a
naughty little razor girl ,
and you know how wild those exotic
Eastern European women can get. )

Ahem.

Anyhoo….
this time, I drew ‘shaving‘.

Well, the group was made upsquare
of mostly conservative, serious minded writers,

( otherwise known as squares
— strictly Rubic’s cubes, man. )

and the moderator had become quite fond of
editing my posts for content.

So —-

I couldn’t help having
a little bit of fun with it,
….. despite the rather
negative reaction
I knew would be
quickly forthcoming.

Well, to make a short, sad story
even shorter and sadder,complaints
…… this is the post that got me
officially banned from the blog-ring.

Hey–
that oughta count for SOMETHIN’ !!!!

Anyhoo…
rather than throw it in the digital garbage can,
I decided to bore my regular readers with it.

Enjoy.

(editors’ note: finally, right?)

It’s called:

Fun With Razor Blades ashave

So…. the blogring
wants a primer
on how to shave , huh?

Well, your Ole Uncle Nuts
is here to answer all them
complicated questions you may have.

And the first one
is probably the most important one of all…

To shave, or not to shave?

I’m not knocking beards.a6

I wore one for a long time,
while in the Navy,
and then after.

I might still be wearing one,
but it started coming in all gray like.

And I’m too young to look like
I’m not too young to be gray.

But, beards can be mucho macho.

After all, in many cultures,
a beard is a sign of virility- of power – of masculinity.

bUnless you’re a girl.

Then, it might earn ya
a coupla thousand a
year in the side show.

And those ‘No-No’ thingees
are so expensive, ya know.

In Afganistan, for instance,
you wouldn’t get very far with the natives
if you didnt have a nice bushy beard….

They look at foreigners without one
the same way we look at guys a1
dressed up in a silk saree and 3″ heels.

Hey, I guess it could be
a good look on some folks.

Ahem.

It wasn’t all that many years ago in the West,
that all Victorian and Edwardian age men
who wanted to impress wore em…

Somehow, though…
the beard has lost it’s
appeal in western culture.

I think the decline in
popular standing
started with the beatnik era,
when a beard represented a symbol of the
abandonment of 50’s
materialistic values,
in favor of the bongo,
the wool pullover,
and beat poetry.

Oh,
and free love.

( 1 outta 4 aint bad, anyway…)

Don’t bug me, man…maynard
like..
this dump is downsville…
… ya dig?

Ok, you get the idea.

Anyway,
beards got a kinda bad rap…
…. as indicative of a slovenly, lazy, untrustworthy individual.

Think about that Maynard G Krebs character
from the old Dobie Gillis TV show,
and you get the idea.

( I liked the guy, myself. )

In the 60’s and 70’s,
the only ones who could still wear one
and not be affected in some way by this kind of prejudice
were intellectuals and sailors.

zzOh, and ZZ Top, of course.

Today, beards are kinda making a comeback.

Some guys wear em to balance out
that shaved-head look so many wanna-be tough guys are wearing…

Other guys figure it’s some help
in covering up an
otherwise-painfully obvious double, triple or invisible chin.

Still others do the ‘three day old beard’ look…
how they keep that shrubbery trimmed backa4
to that three day stubble is beyond me.

But you wanna shave.
Ok by me.

There’s definitely a science involved here.

Shaving any part of your body requires careful movement –
— heaven knows….
….. sometimes VERY careful movement….

— but shaving your face also requires you
to coordinate the movement of your face with the movement of the blade.

The Blade

Very few guys use a straight razor anymore.
sinclair
This is a skill set that has a very SHARP learning curve….

You will bleed like a stuck pig
on Elvis’s birthday
for the entire first year
while you’re learning to use one of these.

It is great for scaring your little sister half to death,
but that’s about the only real practical use,
considering the readily available alternatives.

The next option is a ‘safety’ razor.

safety_razorThis uses a replaceable razor blade,
and is the kind your dad probably used.

Very cheap to use,

but these are getting harder and harder to find,
and limited to one cutting edge at a time.

Your best option is the twin blade disposable ….

Maybe ecologically it is a disaster.

But using it is easy as throwing up at a Miley Cyrus concert,
and gives a nice, close shave.

Preparation

Get some nice hot water ready,a
and go ahead and dunk your face in it.

This is an important step,
because hot water makes your skin pliable,

opens your pores,

and exposes more hair for the blade.

Also, the soap will adhere better,

and the blade will glide over your face easier.

In other words, do it.

Now you can apply the shaving soap or lather.

Me, I like to use soap-

You don’t have to use anything fancy,
although I don’t recommend LAVA …

cIrish Spring is great.

If you’re one of those guys who wants to spend five bucks
for stuff in a can that looks like whipped creme
but don’t taste a bit like it,
well, knock yerself out.

It’s the same basic thing as soap,
but if it makes ya feel good, hey-

………… who am I to tell ya how to waste yer money, right?

The exception here would be you rich mooks
who have all the money in the world.lather

In your case, you can go out
and buy one of those fancy
schmanzy ‘hot lather’ machines…

there’s nothing that feels nicer
when you’re shaving than some
nice, warm, soothing, moisturizing lather…

… mmmmm… yeah baby…

but I can’t afford one of them things.

If you can, go buy one.

( I hope you choke on it. )a5

Anyhoo…

Don’t go ape shit
on the soap or lather,
you only need enough
to create a lubrication barrier
between you
and those very sharp pieces of steel
you’re gonna scrape your face with.

The more you use,
the more stuff is gonna back up in the razor.

That’s when you really start cutting
the shy-et outta yer face…
’cause you end up pressing harder.

Shavin yer face d

You should apply a minumum of force on the razor.

Let it do the work.

Bring the blade against the direction of growth.

Since this ‘grain’ direction changes all over your face,
you must pay close attention,

Facial hair on the cheeks and throat
tends to grow downward and sideways,
— while hair on the side, neck,
and around the lip, more diagonally.

In general terms, a3
use upward strokes for everything under the chin line,
downward for everything above the chin line.

It will help to lift the skin around certain areas as you shave,
around the lip and chin,
and especially where you have any areas of
….. errrr, …. let’s say… extra skin.

Take smooth, even strokes, one at a time,
and rinse your razor after every stroke.

And don’t forget the back of your neck and your ears.

Yeah, I know….

that’s for geezers like me ….

………. well, you ain’t gonna
be 29 forever, dickweed.

Shaving Mister Happy ha

I know you were wondering
if I was gonna mention this.

And of course, knowing me,
you knew I would.

So here’s the story.

Some guys wonder
if / why they should shave Mister Happy.

After all, it seems like the last thinga1111
you want around that part of your body
is anything wicked sharp.

Remember Lorena Bobbitt?
brrrrrr…..

But, there are several good reasons to do it.

For one,
you’ll never persuade your girl friends
to do it if you’re not willing to do it………

Aren’t you a little tired of fishing
those little red hairs
out of the back of yer throat by now??

Second, once you get used to doing it,
it might actually be the high point of some weeks.

Third, women prefer a shaved area aa
when performing ………….
—- umm….. ,,
certain activities involving the tongue and mouth.

The area is easier and quicker to clean,
and smells better.
The end result will be –
you get more of the stuff you want.

‘Cause she’s kinda tired of fishing out little hairs too……

Fourth, and my favorite-
— the sensitivity of your pubic skin
to touch, warmth, and wetness goes way, way up.

The downside is you got to use skin conditioner on the area,
— and you get sweaty down there easier….a1
— cause there’s no hair to be sopping it up anymore.

Big whoop.

Once you feel the difference,
you’ll be breaking out the Irish Spring and the blade….
…….. or better yet, get a pretty volunteer or two to do it for ya.

Have a shaving party!
Invite your friends and coworkers.
Make it BYOR.
Bring yer own razor.

But don’t invite that cretin
down the street who’s been blocking your mailbox.

As far as execution is concerned
(sorry, probably the wrong choice of words, there…)

it’s really no different
than shaving your face, with two exceptions.

One- If you haven’t done it for a coupla weeks,
or ever

preliminary weed-wacking is a must. a11

Lets face it-
you wouldn’t try to mow the long grass
on a vacant lot without bushhogging it first, would ya?

Take it down as short as you can without snipping off something important.

Don’t use a bush hog here…
….. scissors or a trimmer will be sufficient.

Two- you can’t see most of the area in question,
so you gotta go by feel.

This is one place
you don’t want to be cheap with the lather.a21

Actually, if you use too much,
you may forget what you’re doing altogther,
— but this is a risk worth taking.

Rinse your razor constantly.

Be slow and deliberate with your strokes
especially when shaving the boys.

Go down as low as you want,
but unless you’re gonna shave yer legs, too,
don’t shave in the slot between your leg and pelvis.

If this is your first time,
or it’s been a while,
then treat the area like a new tattoo..
Keep it moist, and use some
triple antibiotic on it, so it don’t break out.

The skin will adjust
to the shaving after
a while, and you won’t
get the irritation anymore.

Shaving other stuffa111

I do shave my chest,
and when a pretty volunteer
is available, my back too.

— That’s just so I don’t look like Magilla Gorilla in a tank top.

It’s pretty easy,
and the skin in these areas adjusts quickly to the razor.

Some muscleheads shave their legs, too..
they say it brings out the muscle definition.

I tried it once,
and I gotta say,
it wasn’t worth the effort.
Man, that was serious work.
You should thank your
little hottie everytime
she does it.

If you are gonna do this,
be sure you got plenty of
time on your hands.

You’re really gonna love trying
to get the back of your thighs and calves.

It also helps to have a nice tan,
otherwise, it’ll look like
you got Birch stumps fer legs.

And get ready to bleed.

A
lot.

Hey – have fun!

It’s Getting Wurst

What ?

Another food-based
post,
ya say ?

Well,
let me tell you …

There’s no
food subject
that can as get
as vintagely weird
as today’s
choice cut.

And as usual,
you can blame
acheerp couple of my
readers for bringing
up the subject .

I’m not gonna mention
any names, but……..

One of them ( C )
asked me
if I had any cool cards
about ‘sausage’.zion

Now,
I’m not saying
she has a dirty mind,

— and of course,
mine is as pure as
the driven slush —

Anyhoo,
I told her that it
sounded like a good idea
(for a post, that is).

She said,saus
OK,
wise-guy,
let’s see what you got.

Well,
I had kinda stashed
the whole thing away,
until I decided to
whip it out today. wurst

In a manner of speaking, anyway.

Hmmmm….
since I don’t have
a macro lens,
I guess she’ll just have
to settle for old postcards.nap

But of course,
I do got some VERY
saucy stuff on sausages,

–there was a lot of vintage humor published about it —

I guess our grandparents
found sausages pretty suggestive, too.

Although,
with the purity
of my mind,
I wouldn’t have a clue
about why.

Ahem.

Once you get to a1
thinking about it,
though —

There is an interesting
variety of published
sausage references:

They run the gamut:sausagetree

— from corny puns
like the old sign from
“South of the Border” ..

— travel postcards
with highlights like this
‘sausage tree ‘ in Miami ..

 

— yes, there’s a tree
in South Florida like
that …

Not exactly a
must-see,
but what the hell.
pound
There was
the old saying :

” Not having a sausage”
which meant that you
were really broke, man.

Been there,
done that,
certainly.

Hmmm….

There’s always the
sausage-shaped
dachshund hounds
to consider :sausagedog

(I mean,
who doesn’t love doggies?)

— and then there’s
more dated humor —

like this next one —
which somehow
ties canines and
sausage-making
to the invention
of the RCA Victrola
and the whole rip-off
that was, and is,
the music business.

Oh, I see art
the connection…

uhhhh.

But who’d wanna do
that to a little doggie?

Mystery meat, indeed.

mystery

And while we’re
tying in almost
completely
unrelated things,
why not make a
Michelin Man
(and woman)
out of pork sausage
as a costume ? michelinsausage

Same rubbery
texture, right?

I bet they’re a lot
of fun on the weekends.

Furries,
move over –

There’s now smokies.

I dunno what’s worse.

Or wurst.

Maybe more dogs…german

There’s a couple of
old World War I
English postcards
that characterize the
German Kaiser as
a fat bratwurst
about to be chewed
up by the British Bulldog.

And, sausa
of course,
phallic dirty-butcher
jokes are a common
enough theme….

Not that he could sell
enough of that to that
type clientele to stay sausagecharmer
in business,

I wouldn’t think,
anyway.

But, many are
the opportunities
to try and get a
rise out of folks….

If you whistle
the right tune
or have the
correct bait.

And there’s always link
people who try to
make something
romantic out of
ANYTHING,
naturally …..

Then again,
there’s plenty
of references felix
to stuff that
I just don’t
get at all.

Maybe it’s just
a reference
lost in time and space.

Or maybe –
it’s Felix the Cat
and a weird
hot dog reference.

Now, what?

Well,
when in a pinch,
go with the classics,
I always say.

This postcard was
designed by DWIG —

— Clare Victor Dwiggins
himself.

Actually ,
he did a series of them 
called “The Wurst Girl”
in the early 1900’s.

Do I know
what the hell
they mean?

Nope.

But I guess when
there’s a sausage
in the joke,

— it doesn’t have
to have much
more of a punchline ?

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

wurstgirl

.
.
PS:

Jen from Blog It or Lose It
sent me these last two:

saus

.

Uhm… well,
I guess it depends
on what’s for dinner…..

hotdogs

I think they forgot the celery salt.

Oh well.

Cheers !!!