(Memo from the
legal beagle office
to all the V-D
haters out there:
While it is technically a
to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,
as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.
buck up buttercup.
We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,
—- now in progress.
My friends ,
I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.
— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
about what it’s all about.
If I only really knew.
You can call it love, sure.
Or lust, sure.
Or romance, sure.
Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.
But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,
It’s Valentines Day.
You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly
how to make your men happy—
But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )
Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,
…..and you got the ideal present.
Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …
( I mean… ) …
LOVE ya forever.
But for us guys…
that’s another story –
’cause women are complicated creatures….
with complicated wants, needs and desires…
Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,
……. and the generic
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.
It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.
‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..
and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….
I’ll give you an example.
I have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..
now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….
(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)
…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –
he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….
…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – –
it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..
well, it’s year later ….
he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,
and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….
Rule Number UNO:
—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –
don’t make yourself redundant.
Just ask yourself –
is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?
If you insist on buying a sexy present,
I recommend getting something SAFE-
something you can both enjoy –
maybe a sexy board game……….
hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?
…………. blue circles .
Okay, maybe a food item.
Ooooo, I know….
…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.
Stuff you might not be able say with words,
……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.
and, if she has a sweet tooth….
well, ALL THE BETTER!
Lingerie might be a good bet.
It’s certainly true….
… the old male maxim…
That there’s not a woman in the Universe,
who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..
……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.
Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.
How about some exotic Booze?
… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……
….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………
(well, they were Virgins once…..)
or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,
or my favorite …… ABSINTHE.
This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..
and it’s got quite a reputation……
A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.
Valentines Day, that is.
they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….
(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )
maybe candy IS safer—
Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—
Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.
when it comes to this kinda thing…
It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”
Words to live by, my friend.
Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.
But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,
especially if you don’t know the lady that well,
and you’re trying to rectify that…….
The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.
See, that brings up another problem….
Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….
Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.
Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.
And you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.
you really should think this one completely through.
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….
Even if you just go for the bad ink,
and three day drunk route.
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..
Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.