Despite the fact that this post
has absolutely nothing at all
to do with bizarre food products ,
it sure makes a dandy way
of starting things off, doesn’t it ?
They are indeed,
fish balls in their own juice.
I had no idea that fish even had ’em.
SQUIDS got em.
Knowing me like you do,
how could you doubt it?
And we can be right handy
with them at times.
As you can probably tell
from this mindless prattling
that I seem to be doing,
This is one of them
‘no subject’ posts that I write
when my mailbag is full,
and my mind is idea-free.
I’m not saying
that reading this post will
be a total waste of time, though.
these are some of the
best ones in the mailbag.
Just how to connect the dots,
as it were,
is the only real issue.
idley just rambling along,
literarily speaking is concerned,
is a specialty of mine…
You gotta be conscious for that.
The goodies we’ve got for you
today all relate to stuff I like.
Other than those damned fish balls, that is.
well, who doesn’t like coffee,
I ask you.
sure, man, I’m in.
If they’d stuck to
these subjects in school,
……. I might not have ended
up a juvenile delinquent.
……………….. who knows.
that I’m an adult delinquent,
I’m kinda happy about how it all turned out.
And she promptly messed
everything up for me, man.
It had taken twenty some years,
I had just about convinced my kids
that I had been nominated for
Sainthood as a child–
— that I was a paragon of virtue.
And to add insult to injury,
she brought proof,
in the form of pictures and 8mm movies,
that would prevent me from ever denying:
that she knew the real skinny
about the kid version of Chris —
—– or that I even HAD an Aunt Sarah.
getting back to my
(really wonderful) Aunt Sarah.
It’s a wonder
she hasn’t gone blind
or crazy by now.
she’s only about 7 or 8 years
older than me,
— but that’s enough —
does she have a good memory.
I couldn’t have been THAT
much of a hellion, could I ?
According to my Aunt Sarah, yep.
That and two family size bags of chips.
She also regaled my kids
with stories about me:
stealing her “Partridge Family”
and “Bobby Sherman” albums ……
(to make fisbees out of them)
— how she remembered me:
trying to set all the bears
“free” from their enclosure
at the Philadelphia Zoo….
spitting salted pumpkin seeds at pedestrians
from the back seat window
of my Uncle’s 1964 Buick,
(and convincing her to do it, too) ….
— not to mention, me :
cutting my brother’s hair (while asleep)
with a pair of pinking shears…..
using my Uncle’s lathe to create a re-usable,
retrievable slug for candy machines….
trading with other kids in the neighborhood
those mini bottles of booze
my dad would bring home from trips
in exchange for dirty playing cards….
smoking up 4 of my Granddad’s cigars
and then denying it …..
a distinctively nauseated shade
of GREEN from the experience)
swiping bottles from the back of the corner store,
and returning them in the front
for the deposit to play pinball …..
taking my Great-Grandfather’s jalopy
out for a spin even though
I couldn’t reach the pedals….
( I hope he had insurance on that thing…. )
getting so sick eating illicit
(and unripe) crab-apples
from my neighbor’s tree
I had to have my stomach pumped….
creating so much acrid smoke
experimenting with my chemistry set,
they had to open every window in the house,
despite it being freezing outside……
I’d like to point out
that even though my Mom,
my brothers and my sister
had to live through much worse–
— since they had to live with me all of the time —
they have always had the good taste
to keep a lot of this stuff to themselves.
Or maybe it was fear
that kid was still around somewhere, I dunno.
( And he is, I promise. )
If at any time, you get bored
during this read, you can click
on any of the conveniently
located musical links that
the Muscleheaded Blog has
so thoughtfully provided.
To get a straight answer
about anything these days
is quite a daunting task,
If you’re having a problem
getting your prescriptions filled,
you might call the pharmacy…
who tells you that
it’s not THEIR fault,
— it’s the Doctor’s office
who dropped the ball…..
the Doctor’s office verifies the script,
and says it’s an issue
with the insurance company.
The insurance company says
the paperwork wasn’t filled
out right by the doctor,
or the pharmacy, either.
Not their problem.
Man, I don’t care
whose fault it is —
I just want it fixed, right?
on and on,
over and over it goes.
the old run-around have
all become just another
part of our culture……
you’re actually surprised
these days when
–you get good service
someone says ‘please’
or ‘thank you’,
and you’re ready to have
a social orgasm.
Why IZ dat?
How are you supposed to
get anything done that way ?
so, while I started off this post
sounding like just another rant,
it’s actually an intricately
to our latest evil plan
for a post —
” Cerebral Conundrums”
or if you’d rather,
” Mental Mind Fucks ” .
It’s easy to play.
Just answer these 10 elementary questions
that will demonstrate exactly what I mean
about this culture.
(Yeah, I know there’s 11…
….. that’s part of the mind fuck. )
– you asked for it.
1: If something is
‘new and improved’,
does that mean the
was ‘old and flawed’?
2: Do stairs go ‘up’ or ‘down’?
3: If the package of
a piece of gum
says that it’s 10 calories,
is that amount just
chewing the gum,
or also for swallowing it?
4: What’s the difference
between normal ketchup
and fancy ketchup?
5: Why doesn’t any product
that claims to be ‘grape flavor’
smell or taste like grapes?
6: How far east can you go
before you’re heading west?
7: Exactly what is someone who
says they’re a
‘force to be reckoned with‘?
8: If an ambulance is on its way
to save someone, and it runs
somebody else over,
does it stop to help them?
9: In the middle of a conversation,
when a person uses the phrase:
“to tell you the truth“,
what were they telling
you before that?
10: Why are hot dogs sold
6 to a package,
and hot dog rolls 8 ?
And finally —
Just how do you
know for sure
that the little light in
actually does go ‘off’ when
you close that door ?
it’s probably better
not to think about it,
!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!
I need to be reminded
that drinking, carousing,
dancing and music
are well-lit road signs on
the Route 666 straight to Hell.
I’m a sinner,
— taken that for granted.
— so would somebody please
hit the panic button already?
How was I to know that
it was just a Red Menace/Satanic plot
to get you to let your moral guard down?
Man, did you know
that listening to:
“.. razzy, jazzy spasm bands
would strouse uncontrollable sexual desire ? “
(What the hell is ‘strousing’ anyway,
…. and how do I get some of it ?)
that in ‘Jitterbug’ dancing:
“girls are violated and
despoiled visually first,
and often otherwise afterward”.
Oh, for heavens sake.
I just thought it was
a goofy looking dance move…
…….. nobody ever told me it
would make girls ‘ loosey goosey ‘.
I knew I shoulda learned to dance.
That’s the premise of an old pamphlet I found,
written by one Dan Gilbert, LLD,
Among other things,
the learned Doctor Gilbert informs us
that dance music was a greater threat
to Western Civilization than Hitler…
And that “ 97 per cent of juvenile delinquents”
took “their departure from the path
of virtue and purity” after a
dance or attending a movie.
Going to the movies can really do that ??
I bet that’s where they first learn
that trick with the popcorn box, too.
I am aghast, man, aghast.
Other wonderful titles
written by this guy include:
“The Vanishing Virgin”
( over-rated, if you ask me )
“The Conspiracy Against Chastity”
( I’m sensing a theme here… )
“Evolution: The Root Of All ISM’s”
( what the hell is an ISM? )
Now, you’re probably thinkin’
one crack-pot, no big deal.’
Au contrare, mon frère.
I think there’s still lots
of folks that think that way…
that is Ann-Margret –
— thanks for askin’ )
Another classic of this knee-jerk genre,
— is a pamphlet by John R Rice–
….. called “What’s Wrong With The Dance“,
and dating from the same general era (1935).
And as maniacal as the above good Doctor seemed,
—- this Rice guy is even more rabid about the subject.
He explains his concept in terms
of who hangs out at dances, like:
” tough nuts,
low down dirty rakes who would
seduce any girl and lead her to Hell,
the rotten-as-hell adulterous crowd,
high school kids doomed to car crashes,
and of course—
your sons and daughters“.
He “double-dog dares” someone to defend dancing,
….. since it’s responsible for all
“adultery, murder, idolatry,
drunkenness and nakedness”.
His fashion sense is also offended:
“Women don’t wear corsets
anymore to dances” , he complains.
And, in that special, homespun,
inimitable style that is all his own,
he has a gentle piece of advice for mothers, too:
” Listen to me, sisters, you bunch of hens.
You who have been carrying on these
dances in your homes, don’t open your chops.
You have paved the way for lewdness,
trained boys and girls for it. “
—— was I at summer camp or what ???
How’d I somehow miss out
on all the damn lewdness training ????
I’m telling you…
I’m always outta the loop, man.
Wait, not that lab.
Our Muscleheaded Lab.
Muscleheaded Technology Laboratories’
search for cutting edge technology
advances marches on!!
Our Director of Research
Suzie Wonder reports from
-the ultra-super-secret –
“Center for Ultra-Super-Secret
Technology & Stuff Like That“:
Despite our recent setbacks with our:
Robo-Mechanical Analog Telephone Device,
which might have taken a little
longer than expected to develop…..
our doomed Diet Coke
and Mentos-fueled rocket to Mars,
and the utter lack of demand
for our full, luxury line of
Muscleheaded’s pet project,
the electric gun,
… is also still hung up in testing.
….. and all the
bullet holes in the
walls are causing a serious
draft problem as well.
Today, though, one of
our biggest projects
yet has been met with success.
(or ‘the garage’, for short……..)
we are pleased to announce
that after exhaustive
and very expensive studies-
—- using a patented
system of solar powered reaction,
(.. although, the moniker
is also being considered
for Southern markets. )
Some of our readers have expressed
an interest in the progress of
our new IQ-boosting sports supplement…
(code-named “Smart-Maker Supplement”)
— we had intended on testing the
rare and expensive extract on a test
group of people with above-average IQ’s,
…and since it was not intended
to be used by people with IQ’s below 50,
no useful data was obtained,
although he did seem a little gassier than usual……
Other project results for 2017 so far :
The FDA continues to interfere with
the release of some of our most necessary
and innovative new products —
…. claiming the free matches and
non-edible fast-burning fuses provided
were “potentially dangerous to children”.
Oh come now..
Since when is fire, and candy
that explodes, a potential health risk?
In the same FDA bulletin,
and further, that the
‘mattress mini-charge’ be disabled.
While we recognize that it might not
be as essential an item as our explosive candy,
we still feel that this kind of governmental
interference really makes a damper on our profit —
I mean, err…
our product line.
……… strings such as the viola.
As a result of this study,
our scientists have embarked on a program
to reintroduce the instrument to the American classroom,
and have developed an easy to remember slogan
to aid the effort:
“There’s always room for cello.”
It should really revolutionize child rearing.
Called the “automatic baby burper and back patter”
this product should be in stores by (next) Christmas….
(ground wire optional )
Look for it at your local BabieZ-iZ-uZ
or AFDC centers nationwide.
It’s called the “IPoop” ,
and will also be ready for next year’s Christmas rush.
Priced at only $399.99, this really
neat-o gadget will allow you
to use the bathroom and
listen to music simultaneously.
There’s just gotta be a market
for such innovation, right ???
And finally, some sad news
from our advertising department….
Reverend Al Sharpton has informed us
that he has decided not to be the spokesman
for our new keycard-operated front door locks….
……………………….. he’s upset
it won’t accept race cards.
SCIENCE MARCHES ON.
People in the limelight can
say some pretty stupid stuff.
And I’m not just talking
about those heat-of-the-moment
I’m talking about when they know
darn well somebody’s writing down
what they were saying.
We all know about the out-of-touch/
out-of-their-minds crap politicians say…
— that’s a given.
Hell, hearing an
Imelda Marcos type quote like:
“I get so tired listening to
one million dollars here,
one million dollars there, it’s so petty.”
is just par for the course
for those in political circles…….
I refuse to even mention this last election,
but back in his 2012 campaign,
Mitt Romney babbled:
” I believe in an America
where millions of Americans
believe in an America
that’s the America millions
of Americans believe in.
That’s the America I love.”
Ummm… yeah… whaaa?
” Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to
practice their love with women
all across the country” ???
Joe Biden, always a source of
unintentional mirth, showed how
much attention he paid in
math class with his:
“ Look, John’s last-minute economic plan
does nothing to tackle the number-one job
facing the middle class, and it happens to be,
as Barack says, a three-letter word:
jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.”
Dan Quayle, former VP of the U.S,
was also known for his verbal brain farts,
like the time he greeted a large Illinois crowd thus:
” It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago! “
Maybe it’s a slip of the tongue,
or just an absence of the brain,
that caused the mayor of the
Capitol city Marion Barry to explain that:
” You take out the killings,
has a very low crime rate“.
Thank you for that.
I know you don’t have to be a
rocket scientist to play sports, sure.
Still, I couldn’t believe I heard him say it……
” Sometimes they write what I say
and not what I mean.”
Yeah… that’s prob…. wait…., huh????
( I wonder what he meant by that ? )
The reporters I know have trouble enough
expressing what THEY want to say, without
having to be mind reading interpreters
for double talking sports figures.
Sometimes I’m not sure
whether what celebs
say is stupid or just a Freudian slip…….
Chicago Cubs player Andre Dawson
was trying to explain being a good
role model when he let this one fly……
” I want all the kids to do what I do,
to look up to me.
I want all the kids to copulate me.”
I think there might be laws about that, Andre……..
…. he was asked if he had visited
the Parthenon while on a recent visit to Greece.
He replied: ” I can’t really remember
the names of the clubs that we went to.”
I bet he got a lot out of that visit.
And it’s a lucky thing, too.
Danny Ozark, manager of the
Philadelphia Phillies in the 70’s,
has some trouble with math, it seems…..
While explaining the intricacies of baseball ,
he stated that:
” Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
That’s right, buddy….. swing for the fences.
Of course, you don’t have to be
a sports hero to say stupid stuff.
Celebrities, on the other hand,
are supposed to be better at speaking in public, right?
Entertainers have been known
to make a slip of the brain now and then ……
Assuming there’s any brain being used at all……
Actress Laura Dern was asked
about the special effects being
used on the movie “Jurassic Park”,
when she gushed this gem:
” You can hardly tell where the
computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin.”
Deep thinkers usually aren’t the
ones who are drawn to
Hollywood stardom, I guess.
That philosophical wellspring
of an actress Alicia Silverstone once quipped:
” I think that the film ‘Clueless’
was very deep. I think it was deep
in the way that it was very light.
I think lightness has to come
from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
Clear as mud.
Wow, and people had her pegged as vacuous.
Singer Mariah Carey was commenting
on the victims of a recent famine:
” Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world,
I can’t help but cry.
I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
You know, Mariah,
your sensitivity just overwhelms me.
And people say that celebrities
are spoiled and out of touch.
That’s not the only unfair
criticism of celebrities, though…..
I’ve actually heard people
say that celebrities
can let their egos get
a little out of hand, as well.
say it ain’t so.
Here’s one from Mister Modesty
himself, Jerry Lewis:
” People hate me because I am a
multifaceted, talented, wealthy,
internationally famous genius.”
Despite having done some very
good film work in the 60’s,
…………. I hate him because
he’s an obnoxious ego-maniac.
Being famous and all the rest of
that jazz got nothin to do with it.
( and he can’t sing worth a damn, either. )
Ahhh… show biz….
it brings out the best in people, doesn’t it?
!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!