Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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Just Ask The Mystic Muscleheaded

1aYes,

it’s time again for
somebody’s favorite
very occasionally-occurring
feature of this here
Muscleheaded blog….

Ask the Mystic Muscleheaded.

Otherwise known as :

The “Mystic Musclehead
Reads The Stars”,

or

“The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami Tells All”.

Yeah, sure,
I know that’s three titles.

They’re all so good, ya know…
I couldn’t choose.

Uh hummm….

Anyhoo….

The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami can prognosticate
the future –

He reads the stars …

he is in tune with the spheres ….

11…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.

Ahem .

Anyhoo…….

It’s really kinda amazing
when you think about it.

One man,
armed only with his trusty
crystal ball and somerash
old road maps.

I mean,
errr……
star charts ……

Seeing way, way,
way into the future –

…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.

( mmmmm… pastrami !)

Hey-
it could happen.

Before we get started with
this month’s exciting episode,
just this short word from
our sponsor.

bearNow, you may have read
that our Muscleheaded
Brand Breakfast Cereal
” Buzzy Bear’s Big
Hunks of Sugar ” –
has been ordered
recalled by the Food
and Drug Administration,

describing it as nothing more than:

” sugar cubes repackaged
with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy
in every box. ”

We would like to say
that this is patently untrue.

(aside from the
cute mascot thing)

“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand
breakfast cereal has also been
fortified with minerals —–

( quite accidentally, it turns out,
it happened at the packaging plant…

….. something to do with
shavings from the box machine…. )

……… and, further, it has NOT
been recalled by the FDA.

We withdrew it so they
wouldn’t sue us.

Thank you.

and now…………………

Your Muscleheaded Great
All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope

Choose your birth sign,111

and behold your fortune,

………. if you dare .

Aries:
You are a dynamic personality,
and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your
bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini ,
and double your pleasure.

.

Taurus:
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and
you should see your way
clear to sending the All Seeing
Mystic Swami that twenty bucks
he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting
for must have gotten lost at sea,
so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark
Mediterranean type named
Vito in your future.

.

Gemini:
Difficult times might be
ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic
change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused,
and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to
find a new place to crash.

.

Cancer:
A good time for seeing old
friends and making new
acquaintances.
Email somebody and set
up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective,
and your medical profile.
Oh, and The Bee Gees will hold
a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding
an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.

.

Leo:
Family and vegetables are
very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed )
will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according
to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that
Squeezing the Charmin
will take on a whole new
meaning for you.

.

Elmo:
A good month for study and
meditation awaits you..
afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery
after your wife hires hit men for
$8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life
$5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn
you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something
about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no
damned sign named “Elmo”. )

.

Virgo:
Far be it from me to imply how
totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might
be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow comment
you carefully, now will be
apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a
lot every month
to charge people
just to tune in
your webcam,
if you’re not gonna
do requests.

.

Libra:
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things
don’t do anything sitting on
your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work
for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
well, your bathroom scale is wrong –
… so, lay off the Ho-Hos.

.

Scorpio:
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has
gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea
to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.

.

Sagitwastsis:
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human
being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.

.read

Capricorn:
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out
of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting
out of prison and all…..

.

Aquarius:
You couldn’t get laid waving
a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks
might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting
your computer too close to your
70’s era waterbed.

.

Pisces:
That rash on your ass ain’t
gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you
might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery,
but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant
down the block
is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your
lottery numbers
yourself this month.

.
.

And now, some horoscope art
from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.

I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.

He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
(not including “Elmo”).

!! HOY !!
.

arthurdepins

Oh, So Dirty

Awhile back,
my friend R
gave me
an idea for a
dirty ditty ….

Well,
I wrote one,
not a great one,
but here it is,
anyway.dog

.

My little playful puppy
was out digging
in the garden
I said
No, no
no, no
Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now you’re gonna
have to get a bathpuppy

My little darling daughter
was out digging
in the garden
I said
Oh, oh ,
oh, oh

Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now you’re gonna
have to get a bath

My little sultry sweetie
was out diggingwitchcraft
in the garden
I said
Yes, yes,
yes, yes

Don’t you see
how dirty you are
Now we’re gonna
have to get a bath

And I’m so grateful.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

Christmas Left Overs

If you’re a dedicated Muscleheaded
reader, you know that one of our
official blog motto around here is:

“Omnia moderata,
nec moderatio.”

Ok, now–
technically,

— that thought :

“Everything in moderation,
including moderation”

isn’t quite right, either.good

It should actually read:

“Nihil moderatum”

“Nothing In Moderation”.

Not quite the same, you see.

‘Cause stuff only really gets funny when it’s excessive.

Especially
when it’s said in
a dead language
that hardly anybody
understands.clowns

Hey-

If I hadn’t been an Altar Boy
and gone to Pariochial School,
I wouldn’t know ‘Latin’
from ‘Lentils’.

Sine scientia
ars nihil est….
— right ?bed

Ahem.

( And don’t ask ME
why all the good mottoes
are written in Latin,
they just are.

It’s the rules, apparently.
…….. look it up,
if you don’t believe me. )

Anyway….

As if you weren’t completely
OVER the holiday season
by now,

Here’s a couple left over
bizarre things from
Christmas .1

Sorry,
but…..

…. they’re just too weird
to leave until next year.

I mean,
we’ve got strange looking
Santa pics galore.

The more I get to
thinking  about it,
the more I wonder
why there aren’t more
of these about….

Hmmmm……

Still,
plenty to choose from.

And then there are the Christmas postcards
that just don’t make
any sense any more…

Assuming they ever didsmoking
to begin with.

Bad girls,
— smoking in front of Santa.

You never heard
of second hand smoke?

That poor guy’s got
emphysema now.

Jeeez..
have some respect.

You’re gonna get a lump
of coal in your stocking.

Along with some more
stylish blouses, hopefully.

Or a bikini
with tassels, sure.

It’s not really surprising
that some kids really
hated posing with Santa.santa

Sometimes,
those Santas looked
a bit on the demented side.

Hey kid,
want a ride on my
magic jackass ?????

Hooo boy,
what fun you’ll have in
a one-donkey open sleigh.

As for this next card,aweird

well….

I’ll leave it y’all to find
all the weird stuff here….

I’m not sure
what the card publisher
was trying to say, here.

But I don’t think
it’s gonna do much
good to think about it now.

Of all the lost references,
confusing messages,
and general weirdness
found in Christmas cards,bikersanta

I find the vintage
ones the strangest.

Santas on
motorcycles, too.

And on this
next group shot,
I dunno what creeps
me out more….

the DYI Santa,creepynun

the clowns,

………. or the happy Nun.

Like I said,

I went to Parochial School —

I KNOW about Nuns.

And rule number one is:
If one is smiling at you —
WATCH OUT.

HOY!!
.

running away

The Confusion Of Fusion

donknottsMixing styles,
types, and genres
can make for some
interesting combinations……

You take some brass
and add an island beat,
you get Ska.

Pretty cool,
right?

You take some lemongrass,
yogurt, and spiced beef,
you get a L.A. taco.

Pretty tasty, right?coffee

You take some normal
Sumatra coffee beans,
let something that looks
like a skunk-cat-racoon
( a civet ) digest ’em
for a couple days,
you get very expensive
designer coffee.

What does it taste like?

Hey-
don’t ask ME –
I’m not drinking it. )

You combine a protoncolt
and a neutron,
and you get a deuteron.

( I think they mighta
named a book after that. )

Fusion is all about
putting one thing
that ain’t anything
at all like another
thing together.

Sometimes you get
a flash
of brilliance.

Sometimes you get
a flash,merman
followed by a
big old explosion.

Imagine Ernest Borgnine
marrying Ethel Merman.

(It happened.)

B O O M.

It lasted about
a day and a half.
(actually, a couple weeks)

Merman described it best:fatalwedding
” If you blinked,
you missed it …

I can’t help but wonder
what their wedding night
was really like.

I know, sick,
but I do that.

As I said, fusion can cause
some bizarre reactions.

Maybe I didn’t say that,
but I did just then, so….

Now if I can only remember
what my point was……

!!! HOY !!!