The Friday Mail Bag

shingleDeep,
deep
deep
down
in the very depths
of the mailbag —

—-  lurks …..

Well,
who knowsatake
WHAT.

But,
we’re gonna try
and find out
on today’s post.

This is the
ultimate
grab-bag post….

I got no plan,
no sequence,
no theme.

Just stuff my
readers have tempt
sent me,

that I stashed away
for the day
when I’d figure out
how to put it
to some use.

And obviously,

I haven’t done a
real good job
with that, so far.

There are some really
interesting pieces here,
though,paris

— and it would
be a shame
for them to rust away
in digital purgatory,

until the time comes
when I get my head
outta my ass.

I’m beginning
to think
it’s stuck there
permanently,
so……a2

What’s really scary is that
I’ve finally figured how to
walk around that way.

Anyhoo…….

If you wanna reach
down there with me,

well, I’m more
than comfortable with that.lenticular

A little more to the left, please.

Ahem.

Order me another shot of
Wild Turkey and Seven-Up,
and we’ll see what we come up with.

Now, I know you’re probably
thinking that
Yer Ole Uncle Nuts
has gone all sloppy,

and is now
reduced to posting
blurry pictures of hotties
for his own amusement.

And, while that’s probably
true to some point,
In this case, it’s not so.lenticular

Those postcards are was
were called ‘Lenticular’ cards,
from the 1960’s.

What we’d call 3-D.

Move it around, and you get a different view.

One minute,
she’s got clothes on,

The next minute,
she don’t.

Ahhh….
——- if life could only
be THAT simple.

.1906

The first example of a lenticular card
I could find is from 1906….

They appear to be making
rather nice, nice
in a tunnel of love.

Wooooo Hooooooo .

As long as they don’t tip the boat over.

.

juliachildOh,
now this postcard
is a fascinating one  —

Did you know Julia Child
and her husband Paul had a ‘reputation’ ?

And,
yep–
that’s them alright.

Writer Nora Ephron wrote
that Julia and her husband, Paul,
led the sex life of “a couple of rabbits”.

Apparently, it workedoffice
pretty well for them —
—  they were married over 50 years.

I guess everything does go
better with butter.

.

I got this next set
from my boss at work.

He just hired a very
vivacious new office assistant,

…. and I was bitchin’ that
I need/deserve one more
than he does.a3

So he found me one.

Actually,
several.

Hardeeey
Har Har.

That’s all
I got
to say.

That,

—– and he can
forget me pullin’
any more overtimexoffice
for a while.

One of these days,
Alice…..

one of these days.

Bang Zoom.

One of the most popular
Mutoscope card series
in the 1940’s was
called “Your Future Mate ” —shave

You put in your penny,

— and the machine
spat out a card
describing somebody’s idea
of who you
were matched with.

I don’t know whose match
“Lotta Beaver” was —
( Really?
“The Human Soup
Strainer?” )

Or whether they were aware
of the depth of the weird
double entendre
they were making.

But, take it from me….unsafe

Shaved
really is better.

Just sayin’.

.

Ya know…..

( How do you
like that
for a totally
non-sequitur segue ? )

Some guys
don’t understand –
-the powers-
of flowers.Image result for french postcard flowers

But I do.

A simple thing
like a
bouquet of posies
can turn
your girl’s day around.

And that’s always
gonna mean
a good thing
for you, too.

Here’s proof.flowers

This French guy
just got there —
and he’s already
in the chips.

The postcard is
from around 1905 —
it’s hand-tinted, and gorgeous.

Speaking of flowers….

….. if you’ve never read
my post “What Color Is Your Rose” —

Well,
now’d be a good damn time
to catch up on your reading.

‘Cause I am out
till next time.

Hoy!

stop

The Ins And Outs Of English

bicepsIt’s a funny language,
English iz.

You can have a word
that means one thing,
… and the opposite thing
all at once.

Take BUCKLE for instance.

It can mean
to secure something —
You can buckle up
for safety.

Or it can mean to have
something fall apart
You can buckle
under the pressure.

I’m not saying that would
be a bit confusing for milk
someone just learning
the language, but….

….ummm yeah,

they’re likely to be
NON-PLUSSED.
( meaning
perturbed – or,
not perturbed
).

It is pretty raveled,
at that.

RAVELED
as in entangled–

not as in
dis-entangled.

Hmmmmm….

All this time I thought
my English teachers were
right about me being lazy
learning the ins and outs
of this language,

flammableBut now,
I’m thinking maybe
I was just another victim—

Screwed by it’s contronyms.

That’s SCREWED in
a bad way, of course,

……. and not in the
much better way,

but thanks for rooting for me.

Perhaps it’s not a puzzle
of quantum proportions,a
I guess.

And, that’s PUZZLE
as in a problem,

………….. and not as in the
act of solving one.

QUANTUM as in
significantly large,

as opposed to quantum
as in significantly small.

Wait.

I ENJOIN you, please….
(enjoin as in prohibit,
not to require)

not to SANCTION me
(sanction as in punish,
not as in support)

I’m not trying to make
an APOLOGY for the
eccentricities of
this language, after all,
…… or apologizing to
serve as an apology
of it, either.

But, you could build lierally
quite a moronic
oxymoronic
sentence if you
really wanted to.

I’m BOUND
(unable to escape) to say,

that I’m bound
(free to travel)
to continue finding
these little bastards
all over the language,

…… is AUGHT
(everything, nothing)
I’m saying.

And don’t even get me
started on the word
LITERALLY.

That one drives people
crazy every day —

if you don’t believe me,

…… just look it up and you,
too will be completely
CHUFFED.

Ok—
Yes, I admit this is
a rather DISCURSIVE post…

…… although I’m not sure
how a blog can be orderly,
and aimless at the same time.

Hey–
I know.

….. how about a PIN UP?

PS…. Like the way I so subtly
SPLICED those two things together ?
Joined, as opposed to cutti….

oh, never mind, dammit.

….. Just call it another
NEAR MISS, ok ?
(With suitable apologies to Gil Elvgren. )

!!! HOY !!!

.

anearmisselvgren

.

There’s a whole lot more of this crappy blog,
— if you’re bored and completely out of your mind….

Start here, maybe.

HOY !

Innovations For Knuckleheads

dreamdateI used to have a cousin whose occupation was ‘inventor’.

( I dunno —
he might still be
my cousin, I guess )

I don’t know what kinda
stuff he invented that
ever went to market,

…..but I do know that
he claimed to have invented
an automatic hen fertilizer
that eliminated the need
for roosters.

It’s probably one of the
reasons I hated the guy,
I dunno.

( Damn traitor . )

Anyway, the way I see it:

There are three kinds
of inventions.

1: The kind that benefits/
contributes to
the health or happiness
of society at large ….

like a new kind of
easily renewable sourcefirehazard
of fuel ,

or the electric light,

or the V-Twin Motorcycle.

Or, a homemade
hot dog roaster ??

.

2: The second kind is the
kind that benefits/contributes
to the health or happiness of
a small group of people
( ya know… for pure profit )
and ends up fucking just
about everybody else …..

like a new kind of easilyhatgun
manufactured chemical
weapon,

or a modified Franken-food
grain that won’t self replicate.

Sometimes, it takes time
before most people realize
that these ‘better living
through chemistry’ type of
inventions are about
corporate profits —-

and not something you
should actually get behind.

Take DDT wallpaper —ddtwallpaper

Oh,

Just perfect for the
nursery, huh ?

Sure.

.

3: The third kind of invention
is the one that really serves
very little purpose other
than make you say:

HUH —
Uh….
…. what you use THAT for
? ” .yodel-o-meter

A yodel meter,
for instance.

Usually, this third type is
a product of a bored imagination with more
idle time on it’s hands
than would be recommended,

and of course,
the end product of the very
minimal expectations that
the inventor started out
trying to achieve.1

It’s the kinda product that,
if it goes to market at all,

…. is advertised at
three in the morning on TV commercials featuring
a loudmouth pitchman
waving his arms around
like his ass just caught fire.

But, they’re alwaysciggie
easy enough to find .

Go anywhere there’s a
guy with a rolling kiosk
and a wearable microphone —
and you’ll see em.

Go to the inside buildings
at the flea market —
you’ll see em.

Go to the local ‘dollar store’ —
you’ll see em.

I like the vintage
ones the best, though.

In the 1930’s,
bad inventors
had their own magazines —

and they would
often feature
articles on how
to recreate
things their readers
had come up with.

Kinda like a DIY guide to:

“How To Not Invent
Anything Worth A Damn ”

I mean,
some of them
worked, sorta.

And some of them,
well…..6

I’m thinking not.

Oh well…

Before anything good
ever comes to fruition,
you’ve got to put it on paper.

So,
back to the
drawing board, right ?

HOY !!!

drawing board

Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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.

.

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Just Ask The Mystic Muscleheaded

1aYes,

it’s time again for
somebody’s favorite
very occasionally-occurring
feature of this here
Muscleheaded blog….

Ask the Mystic Muscleheaded.

Otherwise known as :

The “Mystic Musclehead
Reads The Stars”,

or

“The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami Tells All”.

Yeah, sure,
I know that’s three titles.

They’re all so good, ya know…
I couldn’t choose.

Uh hummm….

Anyhoo….

The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami can prognosticate
the future –

He reads the stars …

he is in tune with the spheres ….

11…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.

Ahem .

Anyhoo…….

It’s really kinda amazing
when you think about it.

One man,
armed only with his trusty
crystal ball and somerash
old road maps.

I mean,
errr……
star charts ……

Seeing way, way,
way into the future –

…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.

( mmmmm… pastrami !)

Hey-
it could happen.

Before we get started with
this month’s exciting episode,
just this short word from
our sponsor.

bearNow, you may have read
that our Muscleheaded
Brand Breakfast Cereal
” Buzzy Bear’s Big
Hunks of Sugar ” –
has been ordered
recalled by the Food
and Drug Administration,

describing it as nothing more than:

” sugar cubes repackaged
with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy
in every box. ”

We would like to say
that this is patently untrue.

(aside from the
cute mascot thing)

“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand
breakfast cereal has also been
fortified with minerals —–

( quite accidentally, it turns out,
it happened at the packaging plant…

….. something to do with
shavings from the box machine…. )

……… and, further, it has NOT
been recalled by the FDA.

We withdrew it so they
wouldn’t sue us.

Thank you.

and now…………………

Your Muscleheaded Great
All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope

Choose your birth sign,111

and behold your fortune,

………. if you dare .

Aries:
You are a dynamic personality,
and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your
bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini ,
and double your pleasure.

.

Taurus:
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and
you should see your way
clear to sending the All Seeing
Mystic Swami that twenty bucks
he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting
for must have gotten lost at sea,
so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark
Mediterranean type named
Vito in your future.

.

Gemini:
Difficult times might be
ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic
change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused,
and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to
find a new place to crash.

.

Cancer:
A good time for seeing old
friends and making new
acquaintances.
Email somebody and set
up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective,
and your medical profile.
Oh, and The Bee Gees will hold
a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding
an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.

.

Leo:
Family and vegetables are
very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed )
will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according
to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that
Squeezing the Charmin
will take on a whole new
meaning for you.

.

Elmo:
A good month for study and
meditation awaits you..
afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery
after your wife hires hit men for
$8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life
$5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn
you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something
about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no
damned sign named “Elmo”. )

.

Virgo:
Far be it from me to imply how
totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might
be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow comment
you carefully, now will be
apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a
lot every month
to charge people
just to tune in
your webcam,
if you’re not gonna
do requests.

.

Libra:
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things
don’t do anything sitting on
your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work
for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
well, your bathroom scale is wrong –
… so, lay off the Ho-Hos.

.

Scorpio:
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has
gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea
to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.

.

Sagitwastsis:
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human
being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.

.read

Capricorn:
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out
of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting
out of prison and all…..

.

Aquarius:
You couldn’t get laid waving
a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks
might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting
your computer too close to your
70’s era waterbed.

.

Pisces:
That rash on your ass ain’t
gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you
might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery,
but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant
down the block
is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your
lottery numbers
yourself this month.

.
.

And now, some horoscope art
from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.

I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.

He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
(not including “Elmo”).

!! HOY !!
.

arthurdepins