Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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Why Mature Women Make Better Lovers

mr naturalThere was a cute young thing staring at me in the gym today.

I’m pretty sure she was counting my wrinkles.

Either that, or I reminded her of her Grandfather.

I admit it….

I am feeling a bit tattered….

… thread-bare,

… tumble-down,

… well… OK, I hate to say it, but dammit—- OLD.

My buddy John noticed the girl staring, and mentioned it to me….

I laughed and told him that even if by some completely demented twist of reality she was interested in a geeze like me, that it was a moot point.

Young women are the same as anti-hermitian matrix-linear algebraic equations to me–

I don’t understand ’em,
and what’s more,
…. I couldn’t figure out how to derive a satisfactory solution with ’em even if I did.

The technology has changed so much, ya know?

Well, some of it, anyway.

And I hate that whole dirty old man trip, even if I am not really all that old.

Am I?

Nuts.

Alright… I’ll admit they’re lovely to look at.

But most everybody who’s been around for a while knows that mature women make better lovers.

And for you unbelievers out there, I’m gonna try to explain my thesis on this.

So…

Today’s fascinating TOP 13 are:
Reasons why mature women make better lovers!
.

1: Because they rarely utter ” EEWWW- GROSS! ” at an inopportune time.

gag

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2: They usually can find subjects to discuss that have NOTHING to do with “Glee”, “X-Factor”, or “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

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3: It’s sexier (and more civilized) to have a mature woman on a bed in lingerie than a young girl in a VW with her jeans around her knees.

vw

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4: They never ask “What’s taking so long?” during foreplay.

yawn

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5: They never order lobster, then send it back because it smells “FISHY”.

lobster

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6: If you’re into something, they’ll try to GET INTO IT too!

woman

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7: Any tramp stamps and bad tattoos featuring butterflies or unicorns have been long since covered up or removed.

trampstamp

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8: They never take an erection for granted, and never call a man’s unit any of these (to his face) : cute, short, fat, stubby, or too long.

boner

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9: They never giggle in bed.

coldfeet

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10: They never assume they’ll have to fake an orgasm.
(which means of course, you’d better deliver!)

church

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11: No matter how awnrey their man is, she’ll always find some way to relate to him.

aaa

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12: An older woman’s expectations are more suited to real world situations.
— They don’t expect a knight in shining armor,

when all that’s called for is a guy who knows how to change a tire.

a1a

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13: It’s a good trade off — ‘enthusiastic’ for ‘perky’ !

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OK; now for the flip side…
(just for the sake of fair play, you understand….
……. HEY – I’m on YOUR side- ladies….)
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The Top FOUR REASONS why 30+ women aren’t necessarily better…

1: You gotta be careful how you TALK to them.

nut

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2: If you DO piss em off, they can be kinda hard to handle.

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3: As hot as they may look in lingerie, unless you treat em like GOLD, you’re never gonna see it.
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c
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4: A lot of them expect you to give THEM priority over your motorcycle.

aa

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

Finally, here’s some of my other readers opinions on:
Why Mature Women Make Better Lovers :

” Older women aren’t nearly as impressed by WHAT you drive, as that it runs and you know how to fix it. ”  

” An older woman has lots of girlfriends …
….. and most of them will want to screw you too.

Older women know how to cook.
Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.

” An older woman will never get pregnant, then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know. ”

” An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t really care what you think. “

” Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a striptease.”

” Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a guy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. “

And one more of mine ———-

An older woman will never accuse you of using her.
She’s using you.

And remember:
STAY AWAY FROM HER LINGERIE DRAWER!

a1