back around Valentine’s Day,
I worked up what I thought
was a pretty cool post
about silly stuff
you could give your significant other
to celebrate the day,
— kinda as a way of saying
” I HEART YOU “,
without sounding like
a complete sentimental goofball.
I was informed by a couple of our
beautiful and lovely razor-girl readers
They wanted their men
to sound like sentimental goofs on V-Day.
They would personally blame ME
if they ended up getting one of the presents
on that list for Valentines Day.
If they DID receive such a gift,
and the significant HE,
would rue the day we wuz ever born-ded.
And I always figure,
as far as dealing with angry razor-girls is concerned,
cowardice is a positive virtue.
I pulled the post,
and replaced it with a nice moooshy,
flowery, sentimental one
about vintage Valentines cards.
that was a nice post, too, sure.
as you can see,
I waited a suitably-suitable amount of time to let the smoke clear,
…. then decided to try the old one again,
deeee-termined to have my way in the end.
there’s plenty of other more sentimental V-Day posts on my site, too.
So everybody should be happy, theoretically.
I just hope the razor girls
don’t find out about it.
I’m thinking that there are,
times when we all want
to give a inferred-commitment-free gift that says:
” I really like that thing with you do with your tongue “
” You’d make for a very kicky weekend ”
” I think you’re really pretty cool,
………. as long as you don’t take that
to mean that we’re engaged “,
……. etc, etc.
they probably do send some kinda message,
and maybe not the one you intended….
But at least it ain’t the one —
where you end up in front of a coupla of your friends and relatives,
( and a coupla-hundred of hers ),
— in a white and pink tux with one of them funny looking cumberbundy gizmos, also pink,
taking nu-age du-yoo vu-doo nuptial vows in Negril.
(Although I imagine the honeymoon might get pretty interesting…)
Now, I know you might be thinking –
” HEY-WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SPENDING MONEY?”
You can’t get egg on yer face without breaking some yolks, ya know.
I suppose you could try something like writing her a love poem…
—- wasn’t that you who tried that whole poem gig once before in high school with your :
” I See Your Face Each Nite While Dreaming
That’s Prob’ly Why I Wake Up Screaming “ ?
I don’t think that’s gonna fly in this situation, buddy.
— this is a problem that can only be solved by throwing money at it.
You could do the very unoriginal
but also very effective thing,
………….. and go with expensive flowers.
Women love getting flowers.
Women LOVE getting money.
Here again, though…
You might be unintentionally suggesting something about your relationship that she might not fully appreciate….
………….. especially if you used one dollar bills.
And even if it doesn’t…..
Money flowers don’t necessarily
provoke the passionate chemical reaction
you’re looking to inspire…….
you gotta get something outta this thing, too.
I’m thinking we gotta be more subtle here.
‘Cause, let’s face it —
and you know,
and even she knows ,
( maybe I should say ,
she especially knows )
That you ain’t all that and a bag o Fritos.
I guess it goes without saying.
So, why not say it with this gift idea:
“Magic Frog to Prince“.
Yep, just add water–
wait a coupla minutes,
…. and this little green froggie
turns into a good looking, and presumably rich, prince.
Then tell her if she’ll take a shower with ya,
maybe the same thing will happen to you too.
( hey– what’s a coupla white lies, right? )
Best of all, it’ll only set ya back about 5 bucks.
That shower thing gives me a helluva idea.
You know how she’s always harpin about your personal hygeine?
(or maybe she’s just mutterin’ under her breath about it, I dunno…. )
This can be one of them “Happy I-WUV-YOU Special Day to US” kinda things.
Its called “Weener Kleener Soap”, and it’s “one size fits most”.
( insert joke about dwarves or mutants here )
This thing sells for just a coupla bucks, too.
Of course, you may be sending the entirely wrong message
here if she gets to thinking it’s for her.
Well, alrighty then.
Here’s a handy gift that combines your two favorite things in the world into a I-HEART-YOU present for her.
It’s called the “Wine Rack” — its about 30 bucks…
(Yes, of course you can put beer in it.)
It’s a sports bra with storage for up to 25 ounces of your…..
…. I mean, her …
favorite alcoholic commestible.
When you’re outta booze, it inflates,
….. so those pirate’s dreams still can look like treasure chests.
I’m sure she’ll appreciate this gift as coming directly from your heart.
Or somewhere on ya, anyway.
And since we obviously are on a rather suggestive track anyway,
( …. you obviously have a filthy imagination )
I might as well mention that some guys like to buy adult games for their Sweetie-Pies, to spice up their lovelife.
Remember how much fun you used to have playing “Twister” with your sister’s friends?
Naughty, naughty, naughty boy.
(Of course, you were almost 30 when you were doing it…. )
Well, these folks have taken Twister to it’s logical ( or hopeful, anyway ) conclusion.
They’re called “Karmasheetra” bedsheets, they come in various sizes, and cost about 40 bucks.
A full set of directions and rules are also included,
… although I would think the game would be better played ‘catch as catch can’.
Somebody suggested a teddy-bear to me a coupla years ago.
I couldn’t see anything wrong with the plan….
It actually seemed like a pretty good idea.
…… it came in the mail and I looked at it.
but the last gift I need to be giving–
is one that’s gonna remind a certain special someone that weightlifting just can’t make some things larger.
I’m gonna mention this next one,
only on the very off-chance
that you’ve been off your meds long enough–
…. to think that maybe, just maybe..,
now would be a great time for you to pop the question,
and you’re just trying to come up with a novel way to do it.
Now, you may be crazy,
but I gotta give ya credit for wanting to do it with style.
And, this might just do it for ya….
It’s called the “Marriage Lottery” –
and it’s a scratch off lottery ticket,
……. that reveals the magic question
” Will You Marry Me ?”
Ahhh… another lucky winner.
Just imagine the fun watching her squirm trying to come up with reasons why she can’t .
And I think you might be able to get em in a set of five,
……. if you think you need em, or live in Utah.
Just one costs about five bucks.
Just be sure you take the card off the package before you give it to her.
…………. and good luck.
I’m thinking you’ll need it.