Oh, Not One Of Those

ridjidIt’s Christmas
and it’s that
time of
reckoning —

–to see
if you figured
out how to gift your
special someone
with that special
something .

And somethin’
tells me
that some lady
of you
fucked it
completely up –
– again.

please –
– tell me you didn’t
fall into the holiday
ad trap.

Advertisers have a
knack for presenting
their products
at Christmastimesuck
that would lead a
man to the crackpot
conclusion that
buying her
something that
you ordinarily would
consider everyday
household equipment
is a great idea
for a holiday present.

And such bad ideassilverware
on what to
get her have been
featured in advertising
for decades ……

… and you ain’t learned

Man, –
whatever else
you do –
don’t listen to the ads.

Woe to you,
my friend,stuff
if you have been
wooed by the siren
songs of :

“happier households
with a Hoover” —

“crock pots
make her hot” ,

“silverware for
your sweetie”,

or even a
“mixer for
your mistress”.

‘Cause that vacuum cleanerhoover
you gift her for Christmas
2018 will be the only thing
that’s going to get any
sucking action in 2019.

You will have violated
the unspoken rule :

— been
and hoodwinked,

— you will have
tread upon
the devil himself’s
threshing floor,

— and dared
the angels
to reap righteous
upon the
other male
members of
your previously
happy home.

I pity the fool.

for next year —
Rule Number 7
Section 4,
Subsection G
in the Man’s
Handbook :

“When in doubt,
buy her
or lingerie.”blacklabel

And gifting
her all three
will almost
guarantee a
very kicky


!!!! HOY !!!!!!





If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.



My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.


You can call it love, sure.
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )


Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..


6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?


…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….


frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!


Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.


A Machiavellian Kid’s Guide To Getting What You Want From Santa

Writing a letter to Santa
is a yearly ritual for a
lotta kids.


If you’ve been a bad kid
all year who’s now
sweatin’ the whole
‘Santa knows who’s
been naughty or nice’
thing ..

…. and you’ve got
your eyes on a juicy
present stash
from him, anyway —

well, if you learn the
simple steps in the:

“Letters To Santa For
Junior Machiavellians”
system —

you can still call the shots–

— by knowing how to write
just the right kinda letter.


It’s a matter of basic human
psychology, man.

Now, of course,
you being a
Junior Machiavellian yourself,
you understand we can’t just
GIVE you this valuable set
of instructions free of charge –

I mean,
what are you, kidding?

Whose pocket do you think
you’re picking here, kid,

Still, we do recognize
the need for a couple
little ‘teasers’ to show
you that our system
means business —

— once you order the
complete 10 volume set,

(only 199.99 –
and you can use
Mom’s debit card)

you’ll be amazed
at all the sly,
slippery methods
you will have at
your disposal.

Yes, you CAN get that
real-live Sherman tank
you’ve always wanted –
(ammunition not included) –

— utterly crush
your enemies ,
while amazing
your friends.

Nobody will pick
you last
for dodge ball again.

Here’s just a few
of the tips
you’ll get in this
valuable 10 volume set:

Tip # 79 :

When you write to Santa,
be sure you express your
utter disdain and unbelief
for him and all he stands for
in no uncertain terms —

— a few choice insults
will always help
(see Tip # 12 ) 

This will , in turn,
make him want to
please YOU and
buy your goodwill through
expensive gifts and goodies-

— instead of you pleasing
him through good works,
grades, and behavior.

Another key technique-
Tip #494:

Always point out
the bad behavior
of others, while
to downplay your own.

The fact that you’re even
clueing the fat geeze with
the sack in on the hot
skinny, proves that
you’re well deserving of
some big honking presents
for your trouble.

Another helpful idea is to
use positive reinforcement —

Tip #13204:

–talk to Santa about all the
possible benefits of his
ponying up to your demands.

Sort of a
‘ bring presents now,
and I’ll be good later ‘ plan.

But don’t be afraid to use
threats to get
what you want….

Tip # 88,262:

Be sure to couch
those threats with cute
mis-spellings, bad art
and lousy grammar —

— so that no one
in authority will
take you serious.

Only you and Santa
will know just how much
you fucking mean business.

Postal authorities can be
rather difficult, otherwise.


Avoid disappointment –



Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.


Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.


Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.


Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —


mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.


I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.


3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.


………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.


Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:


Love At The Mall

a7The candy store at the mall
was surprisingly crowded
this afternoon….

We got four more days
until Valentines Day
( actually, three,
if you’re one of
those folks
who can think
a couple hours ahead )

at the
expensive card and gift store–

— well, you could barely
get in the door, man.

( maybe because they
only had one relatively
incompetent person
working in the whole place ….

— I dunno,
you figure if they got
the nerve to chargev5
10 bucks for a card,
they could afford
some extra help,
or at least some
but still… )

I was in the mall
looking for the novelty
gift place,
but it’s long gone,
apparently ….

Which means that
from now on,vnail
all of my witty,
semi-suggestive V-D
( Valentines Day )
gifts will have to be acquired
via that modern miracle
of smegmology —
—– the Internet.

No worries, though.

Anything I could possibly
want is out there in thatz1
magical, mystical world of:
you-buy-it . 

Still, I’m a bit retiscent.

My hesitation revolves around
the whole issue of selectivity.

There are literally ooodles
and ooodles of such
things out there,

—-it boggles the search criteria.z3

The stuff ranges from
slinky to sleazy
passionate to pornographic
racy to raunchy
cute to crusty
and nubile to nothing special.

Hey, if you’re in the market
for a teddy bear with a
nine inch pile driver,
well, I promise you
that it’s out there somewhere–

— probably on the same web page
selling satin(-esque) sheets,
men’s panty hose,zwasted
and peace sign shaped
nipple rings.

As for me,
I can be quite picky
about my slightly-naughty
gift selections…..

I want to present the
lucky gift receiver with
something that evokes
just the right combination
of farcicality,
and revulsion.

I mean, you don’t want
to give a girl a vibratorv5a
unless it’s in some kinda
groovy, cockamamie way.

Otherwise, she could pick
out a much more suitable
cockamamie, herself.

Hell, who needs you for that?

And maybe that’s the
whole point of those
damned things anyway.

But, as Jose Jimenez would say:
” Oh, I Hope NOT. “

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!


Only 2 More Shopping Days


Last year,
back around Valentine’s Day,

I worked up what I thought
was a pretty cool post
about silly stuff
you could give your significant other
to celebrate the day,

— kinda as a way of saying
without sounding like
a complete sentimental goofball.

But quickly,
I was informed by a couple of ourwhynut
beautiful and lovely razor-girl readers

They wanted their men
to sound like sentimental goofs on V-Day.


They would personally blame ME
if they ended up getting one of the presents
on that list for Valentines Day.

and further:

If they DID receive such a gift,
both ME,
and the significant HE,love
would rue the day we wuz ever born-ded.

And I always figure,
as far as dealing with angry razor-girls is concerned,
cowardice is a positive virtue.


I pulled the post,

and replaced it with a nice moooshy,
flowery, sentimental one
about vintage Valentines cards.

Oh yeah,
that was a nice post, too, sure.outcault

as you can see,

I waited a suitably-suitable amount of time to let the smoke clear,

…. then decided to try the old one again,

this time,
deeee-termined to have my way in the end.outcoult

Of course,

there’s plenty of other more sentimental V-Day posts on my site, too.

So everybody should be happy, theoretically.

I just hope the razor girls
don’t find out about it.westernunion



I’m thinking that there are,
times when we all want
to give a inferred-commitment-free gift that says:

nailI really like that thing with you do with your tongue


You’d make for a very kicky weekend

or even:

I think you’re really pretty cool,
………. as long as you don’t take that
to mean that we’re engaged “,

……. etc, etc.


Oh sure,

they probably do send some kinda message,

and maybe not the one you intended….

But at least it ain’t the one —

where you end up in front of a coupla of your friends and relatives,

( and a coupla-hundred of hers ),leapyear

— in a white and pink tux with one of them funny looking cumberbundy gizmos, also pink,

taking nu-age du-yoo vu-doo nuptial vows in Negril.

(Although I imagine the honeymoon might get pretty interesting…)

Now, I know you might be thinking –


Sorry, pal..

You can’t get egg on yer face without breaking some yolks, ya know.

Hmmm…. arf

I suppose you could try something like writing her a love poem…


—- wasn’t that you who tried that whole poem gig once before in high school with your :

” I See Your Face Each Nite While Dreaming
That’s Prob’ly Why I Wake Up Screaming “

I don’t think that’s gonna fly in this situation, buddy.

— this is a problem that can only be solved by throwing money at it.

3You could do the very unoriginal
but also very effective thing,
………….. and go with expensive flowers.

Women love getting flowers.

And money.

Women LOVE getting money.

Here again, though…

You might be unintentionally suggesting something about your relationship that she might not fully appreciate….

………….. especially if you used one dollar bills.

And even if it doesn’t…..

Money flowers don’t necessarily
provoke the passionate chemical reaction
sofayou’re looking to inspire…….

After all,
you gotta get something outta this thing, too.

I’m thinking we gotta be more subtle here.

‘Cause, let’s face it —

I know,
and you know,
and even she knows ,
( maybe I should say ,
she especially knows )

That you ain’t all that and a bag o Fritos.

I guess it goes without saying.


So, why not say it with this gift idea:

Magic Frog to Prince“.

Yep, just add water–

wait a coupla minutes,

…. and this little green froggie
turns into a good looking, and presumably rich, prince.

Then tell her if she’ll take a shower with ya,
maybe the same thing will happen to you too.

( hey– what’s a coupla white lies, right? )

Best of all, it’ll only set ya back about 5 bucks.

Hey, wait.

That shower thing gives me a helluva idea.


You know how she’s always harpin about your personal hygeine?

(or maybe she’s just mutterin’ under her breath about it, I dunno…. )

This can be one of them “Happy I-WUV-YOU Special Day to US” kinda things.

Its called “Weener Kleener Soap”, and it’s “one size fits most”.

( insert joke about dwarves or mutants here )

This thing sells for just a coupla bucks, too.

Of course, you may be sending the entirely wrong message
here if she gets to thinking it’s for her.

Well, alrighty then.


Here’s a handy gift that combines your two favorite things in the world into a I-HEART-YOU present for her.

It’s called the “Wine Rack” — its about 30 bucks…

(Yes, of course you can put beer in it.)

It’s a sports bra with storage for up to 25 ounces of your…..
…. I mean, her
favorite alcoholic commestible.

When you’re outta booze, it inflates,
….. so those pirate’s dreams still can look like treasure chests.

I’m sure she’ll appreciate this gift as coming directly from your heart.

Or somewhere on ya, anyway.


And since we obviously are on a rather suggestive track anyway,

( …. you obviously have a filthy imagination )

I might as well mention that some guys like to buy adult games for their Sweetie-Pies, to spice up their lovelife.

Remember how much fun you used to have playing “Twister” with your sister’s friends?

Naughty, naughty, naughty boy.

(Of course, you were almost 30 when you were doing it…. )

Well, these folks have taken Twister to it’s logical ( or hopeful, anyway ) conclusion.

They’re called “Karmasheetra” bedsheets, they come in various sizes, and cost about 40 bucks.

A full set of directions and rules are also included,

… although I would think the game would be better played ‘catch as catch can’.

Somebody suggested a teddy-bear to me a coupla years ago.

I couldn’t see anything wrong with the plan….

It actually seemed like a pretty good idea.


Um hmm…

that is,
…… it came in the mail and I looked at it.

I’m sorry,
but the last gift I need to be giving–
is one that’s gonna remind a certain special someone that weightlifting just can’t make some things larger.

Ya know?

I’m gonna mention this next one,

only on the very off-chance
that you’ve been off your meds long enough–

…. to think that maybe, just maybe..,

now would be a great time for you to pop the question,

and you’re just trying to come up with a novel way to do it.

Now, you may be crazy,

but I gotta give ya credit for wanting to do it with style.

And, this might just do it for ya….


It’s called the “Marriage Lottery” –

and it’s a scratch off lottery ticket,

……. that reveals the magic question

Will You Marry Me ?”

Ahhh… another lucky winner.

Just imagine the fun watching her squirm trying to come up with reasons why she can’t .

And I think you might be able to get em in a set of five,

……. if you think you need em, or live in Utah.

Just one costs about five bucks.

Just be sure you take the card off the package before you give it to her.

…………. and good luck.

I’m thinking you’ll need it.

HOY !!!!!!


Stupid Ideas for Christmas Gifts

1Yes, friends, there’s only 15 more shopping days until Christmas….

And, everybody who read my post ‘Bad (Secret) Santa’ knows that I’m a sucker for bad-gift giving ideas.

Here’s more proof.

Time to announce another one of Muscleheaded’s–

” Stoopid Product Ideas You Can Give as Even Stupider Christmas Presents ” .

These are all products that you should rush right out and buy for all your friends and loved ones,

… assuming you have any friends and loved ones after the LAST list I gave you….

and assuming your IQ score has only got one or two numbers in it.

Otherwise, you may be spectacularly disappointed with your purchase.

Can you tell the real-fake-crap from the fake-fake-crap?


I can’t, either.

1aHere’s something we call a “Box Lot” —

only a limited number of these collector sets come available every year….

— depending on how many unfortunate muscleheads find themselves getting married.

I’ll tell ya one thing…..

When she tells him his stuff’s gone….

…..it’s gonna be a kinda interesting show to watch, and that is FER SHER.


How many times have you said to yourself….

Hey – what am I feeding and housing these 47 cats for ???

Hmmm… that may be something for your therapist to help ya with…

But those cats do deserve just as nice Christmas presents as those who live with normal people.

So, teach your felines to play the piano, with the “Hep Cat” system………

……….. turn your cat crowd into a cat-cophony !!!

( and you thought I was gonna make a pussy joke, here, din’t ya? 😛 )

2aNow, you and I both know that floor sweepin’ is a laborious, boring task….

( especially with all them damned cats you got — )

……….. requiring specialized tools like a broom and a dustpan.

What if someone invented a solution to all that?

“Free your hands to do other chores.”

Uh hmmm…

Now how much would you pay?

Ok, you say…..

our terrific product line has solved one of the all time worst household worries ever…. it’ll make a great gift, huh?

but, what about that ‘friend’ with personal appearance issues?

Well… say no more.

We have several fine products to help you there, too.

3Like this little handy item…..

Lets say you’ve noticed that their smile isn’t what it ought to be.

Hollywood starlets learn early that a fake smile will make the whole ‘casting-couch’ thing much more pleasant for everyone concerned.

And fake smiles don’t just come naturally, ya know.

This handy device is just as comfortable as wire dentures,
…….. and will turn even the frumpiest frown upside down in no time!!

3aAnd while we’re talking about it, we should really do something about that saggy chin…..

Your lucky gift recipient just wears this device for 8 hours per day,

………. and in the course of only a coupla years, no one will ever notice their double chin again.

( sorry we can’t do anything about those buck teeth…. )

Hey— you know what they say about loving oneself?

Sure…. you deserve a nice gift , too.

I’m just wondering what you get for yourself when you got a you as perfect as you already.

Wow… that’s a toughie.

But, there are times when ‘fitting in’ is just so important —
— in business and in your social life, too.

It can make the difference in getting that big promotion,
— or being bumped up into first class.

But who has time for the pain, inconvenience and infections of getting really sleeved out?
Well, Spumco has your back ……

with their patented “Sleevanator”.

Now you can be genuine hardcore — without the commitment ……

Yes, make your social statement, and tell everybody just who the hell you are, without the inconvenience of having to mean any of it.

If somebody don’t like ya because you don’t have any tattoos, just slide these on, and presto !!!
— you can say —–
” Hey, Look — I’m one of you !”

If somebody doesn’t like ya because of your tattoos,
….. just peel em off and presto !!
say —
Hey, LOOK– I’m one of you !!! ”

………. you’ll fit in no matter where you are —
In the boardroom or at the gangbang!!!

The whole world’s yer oyster, bruh.
And here’s one of our most popular items from last year —-

Designer Condoms….

for the guy who has everything…..

( — except a logo on his Johnson. )

Yes, you too can help raise the corporate consciousness of the general public,

while protecting yerself from nasty viruses, irritating funguses, and other even less convenient eventualities.

bHow about a nice coffee table book?

This one is called “Great Urinals of Europe”.

I figure if you’re gonna piss away yer money on a stupid gift like these, you might as well pick something vaguely appropriate.

Hey, I’m just trying to help.

We’re not in business to make money, ya know… just friends.


Ok…… c

Here’s a product everybody should be without………..

The Magnetic Finger.

I really don’t know what it does……..

………… but rectal bleeding is a potential product hazard.

So, whoever you give this to, tell em to use it with discretion.

dI’m sure you will do dat.

Here’s a new snack sensation –

Japanese Girl-Flavored Cheese Puffs.


………………….. umami !!!!

For some reason, this was very popular last year, e

……despite the very high cost of shipping and handling.

That one not cheeeesy enough for ya?

How about some Cheetos Flavor Lip Balm, hmmmm?

You know……

It ain’t easy being chapppppy.

fAnd, if you happen to know one of them there vegan types,

well ….

we’ve got the perfect thoughtful gift for them too.

Introducing the SPUD PUD, for lonely vegetarians.

It’s got no protein, but, I guess they don’t need muscle mass anyway.

Now, some bad news…..
since the last printing, a lot of you guys have expressed an interest in obtaining the newest edition of:

“Muscleheaded’s Guide to Getting Really Hot, Sexy Women to Sleep with You
Even Though You’re a Cheap Bastard Who Never Wants to Go Anywhere- Volume 27.”

Sorry – it’s still sold out.

But, I do have a replacement product, that you also might not like ……………..

And, if for some unknown, inplausable, completely incompehensible reason,
…. you still can’t get any..
after reading all 576 pages……………

You can always order Muscleheaded’s
S E C R E T __D A T I N G__ W E A P O N.


!!!! HOY !!!!!