You Ole Buddy
with more happy helpful
household hints from
the wacky world of
You may find this
hard to believe,
but it wasn’t all
that long ago that
people didn’t understand
just how dangerous
electricity was , and
how easily it could
be used to electrocute
yourself doing stupid stuff.
I guess there’s still some
folks today who don’t get
it, now that I think about
you may find this vintage
guide from 1931 Austria,
‘Elektroschutz in 132
even if it’s just on the
subject of the weird
things folks thought
they could do
while ‘ plugged in ‘ .
Then again, coming
up with 132 different
stupid things to do with
electricity might be harder
than it initially sounds.
So, maybe you would need
to include warnings like not
using an electric cattle prod
on your best friend…..
…. or not milking a cow
while putting yourself
across a live circuit.
I tried it —
No, not the cattle prod
or the milking, either …
( although I think
I do remember trying
a variant of that one
in my early adulthood )
but, I meant coming up
with 132 stupid things
to do with high voltage,
cause I ran out at #80.
You’ll be seeing more
than blue, man.
Oh- and I just thought of
number #81 —
Ironing while taking a bath.
Not a good time saver.
I think you get
what I mean,
And since I like silly,
I got rid of the more
reasonable ones and
kept the weirder ones for
I saved for last,
by the way.
Don’t piss on
high tension wires.
Words to live by, I say.
!! HOY !!
“A kiss can never be absolutely defined. Because each kiss is different from the one before and the one after. Just as no two people are alike, so are no two kisses like. For it is people who make kisses. Real, live people pulsating with life and love and extreme happiness.”
(Hugh Morris, 1936, The Art of Kissing )
As a collector of printed media,
I never really know what I’ll find at a swap meet or card and stamp show.
I expected to run out of interesting finds long ago–
But it seems like there’s always a new discovery to make me happy and keep me entertained.
It’s like that wise philosopher once said:
“Simple stuff occupies a simple mind.”
I never liked that guy much.
I recently found a pamphlet recently called:
“The Art of Kissing”, by Hugh Morris, printed in 1936.
In it, one finds a copious cornucopia of kissing counsel.
Interestingly enough, this Hugh Morris guy also wrote a fascinating treatise on card tricks that same year, but never mind all that right now.
This book, ‘The Art of Kissing’, describes all manners of techniques and varieties of the osculating art:
……from getting comfy on the couch, learning the basics, how to find somebody to experiment on, and the different “approved methods of kissing”.
I love it.
….. including sweet breath, clean teeth, and some old fashioned flattery.
“A man must be able to sweep a woman into his strong arms, tower over her, look down into her eyes, cup her chin in his fingers, and then bend over her face and plant his eager, virile lips on her moist, slightly parted, inviting ones. “
He explains the various shapes of lips,
….. and how to:
“kiss girls with different sizes of mouths”.
“The lips are not the only part of the mouth which should be joined in kissing. Every lover is a glutton. He wants everything that is part of his sweetheart, everything. He doesn’t want to miss a single iota of her ‘million-pleasured joys’ as Keats once wrote of them. That is why, when kissing, there should be as many contacts, bodily contacts, as is possible. Snuggle up closely together. Feel the warm touch of each other’s bodies. Be so close that the rise and fall of each other’s bosoms is felt by one another. “
We’re really getting into the meat of the issue now.
Sip that honey slowly, please.
The ‘approved varieties’ of kissing that Morris took the time to explain include:
” The French Soul Kiss “ —
“There is more to your tongue than its tip. Probe further. Gently caress each other’s tongues. For, in doing this, you are merging your souls. That is why this kiss was called the “soul” kiss by the French, who were said to be the first people to have perfected it. It is because of the fact that they dropped Puritanism many years ago that the French were able to perfect themselves in the art of love and, particularly, of kissing.”
” The Vacuum Kiss “ —
“Open your mouth a trifle, then indicate to your partner that you wish her to do likewise. Then instead of caressing her mouth, suck inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange. If she knows of this kiss variation your maid will act in the same way and withdraw the air from your mouth. In a short while, the air will have been entirely drawn out of your mouths. Your lips will adhere so tightly that there will almost be pain, instead of pleasure. But it will be highly pleasurable pain.”
It all sounds pretty exciting to me, and I’m ready to give it a try already.
But, there’s still much to learn, Grasshopper.
For instance, the ” Dancing Kiss ” —
“A very pleasant way to kiss is found in the ‘dancing kiss.’ Here, again, it is the closeness of the bodies of the participants that adds to the enjoyment. What more could a pair of lovers ask for than a dimly lighted dance floor, the tender, rhythmical strains of a waltz being played by Wayne King, their arms around each other, their eager young bodies kissing each other in a myriad of excitable places, the while their cheeks meet in glowing, velvety strokes?”
I gotta learn how to dance one of these days, man.
But, who the hell is Wayne King, I wonder.
Other types of kissing mentioned are:
“The Pain Kiss“– ( otherwise known as biting each other’s lip.)
The author quotes Catullus to expound his idea on this one:
“Whom wilt thou for thy lover choose?
Whose shall they call thee, false one, whose?
Who shall thy darted kisses sip,
While thy keen love-bites scar his lip?”,
“ The Surprise Kiss” —
otherwise known as the ‘Snow White, Wake Up and Let’s Do It’ kiss,
“The Spiritual Kiss” —
which the author says can be performed from up to 15 feet away,
“The Nip Kiss” —
which is taking a nibble on your beau’s neck or other hot-spot ,
and “The Eyelash Kiss“–
which he explains as a “charming by-path in the meadows of love that is pleasant, provocative, and not exhausting“.
One of the more surprising (you might even say ‘shocking’) things Morris lists in his little primer to canoodling is something he calls:
the ” Electric Kissing Parties “,
He explains these parties started:
“… after ether was first invented as an anesthetic, the young bloods of the town used to form “ether-sniffing” parties in which they got a perfectly squiffy ether “jag.”
And he even goes on to describe the goings-on at one of these sultry soirees…..
” The ladies and gentlemen range themselves about the room. The ladies select a partner, and together they shuffle about on the carpet until they are charged with electricity , the lights in the room having been turned low.
“In time, you will become so inured to the slight shock that you will seek more potent shocks.
“These can be obtained with the use of any device worked from a battery and a coil which steps up the weak three volts of the battery. ”
I’m starting to get some really interesting ideas.
Just call me Reddy Kilowatt.
And, if you didn’t like that post, you’ll probably hate this one, too:
” I’ll Tell Your Fortune For A Penny ”