Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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Hair Raising

I’ve been thinking…
(which is always
dangerous,
ya know… )

Imagine an engine
trying to crank
with no fuel ,
and you’ve got
a pretty good idea
of what that looks like….

Still….

There does seem
to some subconscious
pattern to the posts
I’ve been writing the
last couple of days,
but I’ve yet to really
narrow down where
my head is at, exactly….

I do know that
if you find my hair,
my head may or
may not be
zipzattached to it.

My damned comb is
pulling out more
slivers of silver
than a Nevada
prospector these days.

Age is catching up with me,
despite my irritation about it –

–I’ve complained to anyone
who will listen,
but it ain’t helpin’ any.

Nuts.
electro

Anyhoo…

Somewhat on the subject —

A coupla months (years?)
ago, I did a semi-notorious
post about shaving —

and today, we’ll talk
about some other
weird ways
to de-hair yerself.

Cause you gotta admit,
taking a wicked sharp blade
to scrape your face
isn’t really all that normal
when you think about it.

But there are weirder.
Much weirder.

De-hair yourself?

Ok…..

Well, un-hair yerself, then.

Ummmm….

Ok, I guess for clarity,
maybe I should say
epilate or depilate yerself.glow

Hmmm….

Remove unwanted hair on yerself.

Better.

Me, I like hair —
— on my head.
On my back,
not so much.

But spreading lye all over my skin
doesn’t seem to be the greatest idea, either.

Oh man, sure people do —

Well, potassium hydroxide, anyway.
Close enough for me.

That’s called chemical depiliation…

But, aside from the potentials
for burning the skin
and making you smellmodene
like the Delaware River
for a couple of days,
it still doesn’t do anything
permanent to the unwanted hair.

Today, for permanent removal,
there are systems like:
electrolysis, (expensive)
and lasers, (very expensive)
and experimental super-duper technology
(that’s super duper expensive)
that I don’t pretend to be able
to understand, or afford.

Our predecessors had it
a little bit rougher, though.

ratsAnd the products THEY used…
well….

This product,
for instance. —–>>>>

Wait….

I’ve got the wrong picture there.

The same product,
just an ad for
the wrong target audience.

Because yes,
it was rat poison.

And yes,koremlu-1
it was sold as a depilatory.

Ahhh…
there’s the right version.  —->>>

It was called the “Koremlu Method”
and it the 1920’s and 1930’s
it was considered to be the cat’s py-jamas.

It was effective,
— oh yeah —
cause it was made with a
toxic material called Thallium —

kills rats, so, yeah- it killed hair, too.

No hair could live through THAT stuff, man.

And not something I’d want
to slather on MY skin, thanks.a1zip

Hey–
you still had more bad choices, though.

You could ZIP
and ZAP your hair away…

Radioactive radium
will do the trick every time.

Almost like magic.

Ask anybody who’s
‘had radiation’
and they’ll tell you.

Still,
not too good for you, honestly.
xray
And those damnable side effects
(interfering with profits and all)
are just as unpleasant for patients
who were convinced
by various ‘experts’ and quacks
that X-Rays
(yes, those X-Rays)
were the wave of the future —
as far as hair removal technology was concerned —

and that it would finally,
surely
do the trick for them…….. x

Fail.

It’s that human element again.

Tsk, Tsk.

So what’s a big business to do?

Hmmmm……..

Maybe a change of paradigm?

HOY !!!!

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dimple

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

loveme If there’s one nightmare that all men share,

— it’s gotta be the one about losing your damn hair.

Ok, yeah,
that other one notwithstanding —

the one that usually ends with a woman saying this :

Oh well, it happens to all men occasionally….”

(all the while planning to forget your name,
and forget your number)

Ack.

Oh sure,

some guys say they don’t care if they lose their hair ….

I’ve heard one or two actually say they prefer it,bald
since it “saves ’em on haircuts”.

Bull.

And there’s the old
being bald just means I got more testosterone than you ” –

Uhhhhh …..

Nope.

( It means you’re sensitive to a metabolized form of testosterone, namely DHT. )

abaldEvery time we see one of our relatives or friends losing their hair,

….we get to wondering if it’s gonna be us next.

Most hair loss is related in some way to genetics, after all.

If you got bald guys in your family,

….there’s a strong likelihood you’re gonna have to worry about it, too.

If not, you’ve still got other considerations like:
hormone,
stress,
activity level,
health,
medications,
and environmental stuff that could put you in the same boat.awildroot

Ok, then.

Is your hair all that important?

Well, not to me,

…..’cause I don’t give a hot damn what you look like.

But I do feel nervous about mine.

I’ve always been blessed with a pretty good mane of hair —

Until it started going gray in my late 30’s,
——— it was a nice shade of chestnut brown.

Now, it looks like the inside of a silver tea set.

a1Still, I’m happy to have it.

I guess it’s mostly an self-image thing.

Despite all the social and media protestations to the contrary,

…..most people still see hair as an indication of overall health and energy.

Without it, people think something, however indefinable, is lacking.

That’s why Kojak needed his lollipop — akojerk

— why every wanna-be-tough bald guy in the world needs a tribal ‘barbed wire’

or a ‘Superman’ logo tattoo on their scrawny right bicep —

— why Yul Brenner had that cool accent.

(Just what kinda accent WAS that, anyway?)

1baldyJust the word ‘bald’ sends shivers down any man’s spine,

….. especially if that man has a genetic pre-disposition to it.

A nice full head of hair certainly can project a sense of youthfulness,

vigor…
masculinity…
and virility.

It makes us feel like we can still be attractive to women,

anuts…… that we can do/lift/fight/solve as well as ever ….

………. that we’ve still got some tricks left in our whiz-bang.

Even if you’re a scum-bag like Phil Spector.

( …. oh, yeah —
that looks natural —
it doesn’t look at all like a wig, right ? )

Plus, it helps keep our brains warm.

bald1Some of us, anyway.

This almost universal male fixation with hair has resulted
in some bizarre products being invented over the years,
to try and solve the whole pattern baldness thing.

Like this claptrap.

As insane as it now sounds,

…..many people at the turn of the century thought that gravity was the main causative factor in baldness….

Since the vacuum motor had been recently invented,

….. some genius figured that maybe it work with pulling hair up through the scalp.

Yep–
just suck that hair right up and out.

Umm..xervac

Even with their very dubious results,
vacuum scalp machines soon became pretty popular,
but they remained relatively expensive.

They were made by several manufacturers,
including the early electronics company Crosley,
and were even available for rent.

Just as you can’t suck a tomato seed into becoming a full grown plant, it don’t work that great with hair, either.

Sucking isn’t always a bad thing, as we all know, but in the case of using a glorified vacuum cleaner to germinate new hair —

— well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Or, maybe this one is. carbo_magno

The Carbo-Magno system, as far as I can make out, that is,

used a rather expensive ‘rare antiseptic formula’ daubed into a special hat band, which then evaporated —–

— to grow hair while you wore your hat.

Talk about convenient.

agrowhairThe absorbent liner in the hat band used charcoal to ‘filter’ the air around the scalp….

The special juice smelled like camphor,
and was supposedly infused with magnetic energy,

—- although that process has never been fully explained.

In 1910 money,
the Carbo-Magno system would be about the price of a three month supply of Rogaine…..

But if,
as the makers claimed,

it “cures every case of baldness or falling hair, and is positively the only remedy that will cure all cases”,

………… then it woulda been worth it, I guess.

It didn’t, and it wasn’t.

loreeneThis lady,
Nurse Loreene Johnston, of Cleveland, Ohio,
seems to have had a long career in phony product advertising,
during the 1930’s and 1940’s.

She was sort of the Kevin Trudeau of her era.

So far I’ve found ads for her selling:
herbal guides,
flower arranging lessons,
horticulture pamphlets,
—– and a very secrety-secret cure for baldness.

Oh, yes —
that’s why I mentioned her —

The secret ‘home treatment’ box wherein was contained the magical 14 to 32 ‘treatments’ —carter

that she would happily send to you for only 25 bucks.

(in 1940’s money–
— that would mean about $150 bucks today )

Just like the ones she charged $5 each for in her office,
at 9200 Hough Avenue, in Cleveland.

She’s long since dead, of course,
and that neighborhood today ain’t exactly conducive to a nurse’s office…..

Even one who used witch hazel and a UV light to stop male pattern baldness.

It might be an excellent place to worry about your scalp, though.

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a