If there’s one nightmare that all men share,
— it’s gotta be the one about losing your damn hair.
that other one notwithstanding —
the one that usually ends with a woman saying this :
“Oh well, it happens to all men occasionally….”
(all the while planning to forget your name,
and forget your number)
some guys say they don’t care if they lose their hair ….
I’ve heard one or two actually say they prefer it,
since it “saves ’em on haircuts”.
And there’s the old
” being bald just means I got more testosterone than you ” –
( It means you’re sensitive to a metabolized form of testosterone, namely DHT. )
Every time we see one of our relatives or friends losing their hair,
….we get to wondering if it’s gonna be us next.
Most hair loss is related in some way to genetics, after all.
If you got bald guys in your family,
….there’s a strong likelihood you’re gonna have to worry about it, too.
If not, you’ve still got other considerations like:
and environmental stuff that could put you in the same boat.
Is your hair all that important?
Well, not to me,
…..’cause I don’t give a hot damn what you look like.
But I do feel nervous about mine.
I’ve always been blessed with a pretty good mane of hair —
Until it started going gray in my late 30’s,
——— it was a nice shade of chestnut brown.
Now, it looks like the inside of a silver tea set.
Still, I’m happy to have it.
I guess it’s mostly an self-image thing.
Despite all the social and media protestations to the contrary,
…..most people still see hair as an indication of overall health and energy.
Without it, people think something, however indefinable, is lacking.
That’s why Kojak needed his lollipop —
— why every wanna-be-tough bald guy in the world needs a tribal ‘barbed wire’
or a ‘Superman’ logo tattoo on their scrawny right bicep —
— why Yul Brenner had that cool accent.
(Just what kinda accent WAS that, anyway?)
Just the word ‘bald’ sends shivers down any man’s spine,
….. especially if that man has a genetic pre-disposition to it.
A nice full head of hair certainly can project a sense of youthfulness,
It makes us feel like we can still be attractive to women,
…… that we can do/lift/fight/solve as well as ever ….
………. that we’ve still got some tricks left in our whiz-bang.
Even if you’re a scum-bag like Phil Spector.
( …. oh, yeah —
that looks natural —
it doesn’t look at all like a wig, right ? )
Plus, it helps keep our brains warm.
Some of us, anyway.
This almost universal male fixation with hair has resulted
in some bizarre products being invented over the years,
to try and solve the whole pattern baldness thing.
Like this claptrap.
As insane as it now sounds,
…..many people at the turn of the century thought that gravity was the main causative factor in baldness….
Since the vacuum motor had been recently invented,
….. some genius figured that maybe it work with pulling hair up through the scalp.
just suck that hair right up and out.
Even with their very dubious results,
vacuum scalp machines soon became pretty popular,
but they remained relatively expensive.
They were made by several manufacturers,
including the early electronics company Crosley,
and were even available for rent.
Just as you can’t suck a tomato seed into becoming a full grown plant, it don’t work that great with hair, either.
Sucking isn’t always a bad thing, as we all know, but in the case of using a glorified vacuum cleaner to germinate new hair —
— well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Or, maybe this one is.
The Carbo-Magno system, as far as I can make out, that is,
used a rather expensive ‘rare antiseptic formula’ daubed into a special hat band, which then evaporated —–
— to grow hair while you wore your hat.
Talk about convenient.
The absorbent liner in the hat band used charcoal to ‘filter’ the air around the scalp….
The special juice smelled like camphor,
and was supposedly infused with magnetic energy,
—- although that process has never been fully explained.
In 1910 money,
the Carbo-Magno system would be about the price of a three month supply of Rogaine…..
as the makers claimed,
it “cures every case of baldness or falling hair, and is positively the only remedy that will cure all cases”,
………… then it woulda been worth it, I guess.
It didn’t, and it wasn’t.
Nurse Loreene Johnston, of Cleveland, Ohio,
seems to have had a long career in phony product advertising,
during the 1930’s and 1940’s.
She was sort of the Kevin Trudeau of her era.
So far I’ve found ads for her selling:
flower arranging lessons,
—– and a very secrety-secret cure for baldness.
Oh, yes —
that’s why I mentioned her —
The secret ‘home treatment’ box wherein was contained the magical 14 to 32 ‘treatments’ —
that she would happily send to you for only 25 bucks.
(in 1940’s money–
— that would mean about $150 bucks today )
Just like the ones she charged $5 each for in her office,
at 9200 Hough Avenue, in Cleveland.
She’s long since dead, of course,
and that neighborhood today ain’t exactly conducive to a nurse’s office…..
Even one who used witch hazel and a UV light to stop male pattern baldness.
It might be an excellent place to worry about your scalp, though.