Advice From Suzie Wonder

boothI have often wondered who those people who write advice columns get their advice from….

I guess it’s obvious enough from most of those columns,

that they just make up their insipid answers as they go along.

And no matter,
how good or how bad the advice is,

….you can’t really lay any responsibility on them if stuff goes horribly horrible.

Cause in the end,
the hopelessly hopeless people
who are writing the letters, abby
are expecting sage advice from a know-nothing, busy-body society columnist.

The woman’s been wearing the same hair-do since 1952,

….. and you’re expecting relevancy.

What I really want to see, though —

are the letters that end up in Dear Crabby’s trash bin….

Oh yes– depraved

the questions–

and especially the answers

—— that don’t make it into the column.

Even optimists for hire can have their bad days, ya know.

And, I would imagine that all those sh*t-canned letters and answers would make much tastier reading,

or at the very least,
more digestible

….. than the horrible pablum those advice columnists usually serve up.

We here at the Muscleheaded Blog were thinking on similar lines,suziewonder
and we have had our Science Editor, Suzie Wonder working on it.

After all–
she’s a natural for that kinda work, right?

Well, this morning,
I had taken the liberty of shuffling through the post that Suzie Wonder was writing,
( as well as her inbox )

….. y’know,
just in case there was something I could use —

Ummm….

All I can say is that I’m not gonna do that again.

Why,
oh why,
oh why….selfie

would strange men send Suzie close-up selfie pictures of their junk ???

…… when all she’d want to do is hack ’em off and hang ’em from her rear view mirror, is beyond me.

I mean,
where do these guys think she got those other ones from, anyway?

So anyway —

To make it up to her (me getting caught rummaging through her stuff)
— and to keep MY OWN junk from joining her collection —
I told her I would post her column unedited.

So now:
” Ask Advice From Suzie Wonder ” :

bad
Dear Suzie Wonder:
I am a 20 year old male, and I recently took a prescription medication that had the side effect of making me lactate.
My pregnant girlfriend thinks it’s funny, and says we can share the nursing duties when she has our baby.
What can I do?
Signed, Larry.

Dear Lactating Larry:
Human breast milk is healthier than formula, so, suck it up.

.

.

petmonkeyDear Suzie Wonder:
My boyfriend and I have a terrible sex life. It’s gotten so bad that the only time I want to hold his hand is to get the angle right,
…. but then, even if I am lucky enough to get close to orgasm, he yells “Geronimo” and it spoils the moment for me.
I’m feeling very frustrated at this point.

Dear Frustrated:
By return post, I have sent you a list of “100 Famous Indian Chiefs”.
Have him try one of the other names on the list next time.

.

.

smartDear Suzie Wonder:  
How can I lose 50 pounds in a single month ?
Please, nothing complicated–
I’m a simple guy, looking for a simple answer to a simple question.
Is that too much to ask for crying out loud?

Dear Simple:
No, it’s not too much to ask,
…. and I’ll be happy to give you a simple, sure-fire way of doing it.
Amputation.
Let me know how well it works for you.

.

.


fondlingDear Suzie Wonder:
I had a terrible eye rash last year and my friend said, putting mayonnaise on it would help. I took his advice and put mayo on my eyelids and it didn’t work. After I told him he started laughing like an asshole.
Turns out he was not serious at all. What should I do?

Dear Mayo-boy:
Put some mustard on your head, spin around three times,
and then say: ” I am a human hot dog“.

.

.

bathroomDear Suzie Wonder:
I was born with a pointy nose.. so when I got older, I told all my friends I was going to have it surgically altered. I went, but it ended up looking worse than ever. Since then, I’ve been getting ribbed a lot about it. My mother says that people aren’t laughing at me, they’re laughing with me. What do you think?
( selfie pictures of nose, and another body part, (equally over-sized), enclosed )

Dear Bergerac-boy:
No, they’re definitely laughing AT you.
Did you ever think about using that nose of yours as a can opener?
As for the other picture, you should really consider a career in the circus.

.

.

freshcigDear Suzie Wonder:
I have to give an oral dissertation for my Divinity Studies class final, and I haven’t a clue on how to proceed, since I paid absolutely no attention all year.
Any ideas?
Sincerely yours, Buck.

Dear Lazy-buck:
Print out the lyrics to Led Zepplin’s “Stairway to Heaven” and recite those.

.fathead

——follow up letter

Dear Suzie Wonder:
Thanks– I think that idea for my Divinity Studies class final might just work —-
…… but what about my health sciences class final ?
Buck.

Dear DumbANDLazy-buck:
Try John Lennon’s “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road”.

.


.

badadviceDear Suzie Wonder:
I like to write on my hand,
and this drives my girlfriend crazy.
She’s really disgusted by it,
and threatens to break up with me if I don’t stop doing it.
What do I do next?

Dear Ink-boy:
Get a tattoo to solidify your relationship…

— make it nice and dark, so you can write on your hand all you want and she won’t be able to see it.

.

.

schoolDear Suzie Wonder:
Hi again. Thank you for the response on my lactating question. My pregnant girlfriend and I have been fighting over what to name our baby when it arrives. It’s making my medical problem worse, because we can’t agree. I think Larry is a nice name, and she doesn’t. What do you think?
Signed Larry (again)

Dear Milk-boy: I dunno why you persist in asking me insipid questions about your stupid life, but I don’t see how naming a kid after a guy who gives milk is gonna help things any.

.

.

HOY!

.

twit

 

 

 

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