Glow In The Dark Tires

Now that I’ve got
your attention……

Oh yes, those were
real glow-in-the-dark
tires, made by Goodyear
in the late 1950’s.

Actually, the tires were
made of a translucent
polyurethane (called
‘Neothane’) that could
be made to glow in any
color by replacing the
18 small illuminating
bulbs in the wheel hub –
but they also came in
shades, so you could
just use the stock white
bulbs and order the tires
in blue, yellow, red,
green and orange.

It’s kinda a
cool concept, right?

An Akron engineer
explained it this way:
”Goodyear’s translucent
tire can be produced in
any color to match the car,
… or perhaps the wife’s
new outfit.. ” 

And they could blink
in a pattern or
flash individually.

Goodyear first took them
on public roads on U.S. 1
in downtown Miami,
in 1960, mounted on a
white Dodge Polaris with
bright red glowing wheels.

Agape, Agog, Aghast.

Choose one, and you
have a good description
of the average onlooker’s
reaction.

They also wore better than
the conventional bia-ply tires
of the era, but they just never
caught on —

There were issues, of course.

Like a severe lack of traction
in wet conditions, a wobbly
feeling at speeds over 60 MPH,
other drivers being distracted
by the unexpected flash
by of a dash of color, and
the fact that the new tires
would melt if you hit the
brakes too hard.

And they cost a
lot more, too.

So, in the end ,
the tires ended
up going nowhere.

And once you stop to
think about the idea,
there’s no guarantee
that their raw material
might not have ended
up being marketed in
a whole different way
later, and sold in
mens room vending
machines, for all we
know.

!! HOY !!

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The Ins And Outs Of English

bicepsIt’s a funny language,
English iz.

You can have a word
that means one thing,
… and the opposite thing
all at once.

Take BUCKLE for instance.

It can mean
to secure something —
You can buckle up
for safety.

Or it can mean to have
something fall apart
You can buckle
under the pressure.

I’m not saying that would
be a bit confusing for milk
someone just learning
the language, but….

….ummm yeah,

they’re likely to be
NON-PLUSSED.
( meaning
perturbed – or,
not perturbed
).

It is pretty raveled,
at that.

RAVELED
as in entangled–

not as in
dis-entangled.

Hmmmmm….

All this time I thought
my English teachers were
right about me being lazy
learning the ins and outs
of this language,

flammableBut now,
I’m thinking maybe
I was just another victim—

Screwed by it’s contronyms.

That’s SCREWED in
a bad way, of course,

……. and not in the
much better way,

but thanks for rooting for me.

Perhaps it’s not a puzzle
of quantum proportions,a
I guess.

And, that’s PUZZLE
as in a problem,

………….. and not as in the
act of solving one.

QUANTUM as in
significantly large,

as opposed to quantum
as in significantly small.

Wait.

I ENJOIN you, please….
(enjoin as in prohibit,
not to require)

not to SANCTION me
(sanction as in punish,
not as in support)

I’m not trying to make
an APOLOGY for the
eccentricities of
this language, after all,
…… or apologizing to
serve as an apology
of it, either.

But, you could build lierally
quite a moronic
oxymoronic
sentence if you
really wanted to.

I’m BOUND
(unable to escape) to say,

that I’m bound
(free to travel)
to continue finding
these little bastards
all over the language,

…… is AUGHT
(everything, nothing)
I’m saying.

And don’t even get me
started on the word
LITERALLY.

That one drives people
crazy every day —

if you don’t believe me,

…… just look it up and you,
too will be completely
CHUFFED.

Ok—
Yes, I admit this is
a rather DISCURSIVE post…

…… although I’m not sure
how a blog can be orderly,
and aimless at the same time.

Hey–
I know.

….. how about a PIN UP?

PS…. Like the way I so subtly
SPLICED those two things together ?
Joined, as opposed to cutti….

oh, never mind, dammit.

….. Just call it another
NEAR MISS, ok ?
(With suitable apologies to Gil Elvgren. )

!!! HOY !!!

.

anearmisselvgren

.

There’s a whole lot more of this crappy blog,
— if you’re bored and completely out of your mind….

Start here, maybe.

HOY !

Ooops I Did It Again

HumiliationYou know,
your mother tried
to warn you about it
a long time ago.

Remember?

She told you…
always wear clean underwear

….. cause you never know
when you’re gonna get
in an accident.

She wanted to save you
from the bane of all mankind –car

HUMILIATION.

The forcible, unexpected,
and totally embarrassing
humbling of a human being:

……. from a proud, strong,
potent individual ——

to a grovelling, quivering bowl
of jello looking for a place to
hide his shame.

And, even assuming
you do wear clean
underwear,

(… which would
be very nice,
thank you ….)

there are gonna be times
when humilation is gonna
happen to you,

whether you could do
anything to avoid it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, here.

I’m not saying humiliation
doesn’t serve a potentially
useful function for society.

There are people who need
one heapin’ helpin’ bleach
of humility on a
continual basis.

Unfortunately, it never seems
to happen to them.

Instead, it always seems to
happen to nice guys like
you and me.

But maybe it’ll help to
talk about it, huh?
google
Yeah..
that’s me…
Mister Helpful.

Let’s say you’re on a first date
with this new cutie you met
at the Quickie Lube.

It’s a poshy restaurant,
where Garçon knows
your name and even
what you drink.

(Wild Turkey
on the rocks)gramps

You figure
that’ll go a long way
to impress her.

Conversation flowing nicely.

She likes dogs,
you like dogs.

She likes movies,
you like movies.

She likes lobster,
you order it for her.

It’s going swimmingly,
until you off handedly
remark that Betty Freidan
was no better of a writer
than she looked.ironcity

And now,
you’re wearing that
expensive 1997 M. Chapoutier
La Mordorée Côte-Rôtie….

— it’s dripping from every
facial orifice…
and your pocket feminist has stormed out.

What do you do?

Sure, you could blush
redder than cheap Sangria,
mop your face immediately,
and beat feet outta there, too.

But, you got your pride.james

Hey, buddy-
she just threw $300 bucks
of grape juice in yer face,
you know?

Not to mention you
haven’t touched your
Wild Turkey.

Or—
you could let it drip,
smile, wave at the sommelier-
and tell him in a calm,
modulated voice- that:

“although she didnt
like the wine,
I think it’s wonderful, please
bring me another of the same –
and MORE TURKEY.

Now you can daub,
very calmly, very carefully.

Just like James Bond.

Shaken, but not stirred.

You are cool, man.lol

You gotta stay cool..
you gotta keep your
cockyness.

A lot of people find
having a colonoscopy
humilating…

so much so, they get
put to sleep while
they endure it.

Not me.moth

I tell the Doctor I want to
compare the experience
with the time I was picked
up by aliens.

You gotta stay loose.

It doesnt matter what
the source of the humiliation —

— If your dental plate comes
out while you are arguing with
some creeps in a bar, start yelling:
“I’LL GUM YA BASTARDS!!!”

If the rolled up sock comes
outta your shorts while
you’re on the leg press –
(we all know what it’s
doing there, don’t we?) –

— smile, pick it up and
put it back.

After all, you weren’t fooling
anybody, anyway, pal.

If you run into an old girlfriend
on a busy street while strolling
with your new prospective hottie,

and she loudly reminds you
of all the weight you’ve gained
since she last saw ya —-

You can joke that the best weight
you lost was that 130 pounds of HER.

Caught wearing shortsstiffy
during a sudden snowstorm?

A mere bag o shells, my friend.

Look at everybody
and smirk like they’re
wimps for shiverin in their coats.

Bad haircut?

Oh hell…
why suffer needlessly?
Buy a hat.

Clap or laugh
at the wrong time?

Keep it up until everybody wtf
else figures they should
be, too.

That girl in the bar tell ya
that you remind her of
her dear departed ole
Grandpop?

Ask her if he was
as good in bed as you are.

Lose your bathing suit at
Waikiki Beach in high waves?emb

I mean, you cant stay
out there all day….
and there’s not enough
sea weed for a makeshift
hula skirt.

Do I what I did.

Wave surf in
on your tummy,
and then run like hell
for your towel.

Oh,
and don’t forget to smile.

!!! HOY !!!

11

The Postcard Art Of Bernhardt Wall

damnthingI always find that vintage postcards
are even more interesting,

— when you know
something about the artist.

You’ve probably noticed,
from time to time,

a group of cards
from a particular era
that share a very
individualized style,

and wondered about
who created them and why.

American born artist
Bernhardt Wall
was called ‘The King of Postcards’, bernhardtwall

at least in the United States,
between 1910 and 1940–

— based on the fact
that he created more
than 5000 different designs,

mostly light hearted
and humorous —

But,
Bernhardt was more
than a postcard artist.

Much, much more.

He also was very heavily involved
in American defense efforts
during the period between 1898 and 1918…

gasAlready a working lithographer,
he volunteered for service
in the Spanish-American war in 1898,

—- and upon his return took up the study of etching full time.

After education at the
Buffalo Art Student’s League
and an apprenticeship
under William Auerbach-Levy,

he soon proved himself a prolific,
versatile, and creative artist…

and he produced a large body of
propaganda during World I.

His cards really do have
a very special recognizable quality– bite

— no matter what the subject or genre —
you can usually spot a Bernhardt Wall creation.

there’s a sentimental aspect and tone
reflected in his note cards, for instance ….

and a charming style to the way
he draws his dogs in the cards with animals.

Children with wide eyes and sweet demeanors
characterize many of his cards used for Valentines…..

but his Halloween cards have a weird creepiness
that belies the era from which they come.

sassyRarely do his characters
seem more than a tiny bit suggestive,

and they also have an innocence and simplicity
that is easy to relate to.

The majority of his work was published by Valentines and Sons,

— but he also created drawings and canvases for Gibson Art,
Illustrated Postal Cards,
and several others.

Especially talented as an illustrator and engraver,

he was also a keen reader, writer, and historian –

His historical works included publications such as:andrewjackson

“The Invitation to Gettysburg”,

“Following General Sam Houston”,

and “Windjammer”.

A book that he personally printed
and bound himself featured his etchings
of Indians, cowboys and the frontier U.S.–

It was called “Under Western Skies”,

…… and it was extremely well received at the time.

He is known to have created etchings
of many past famous personages, including:austin

Andrew Jackson,
Mark Twain,
Thomas A. Edison,
Abraham Lincoln,
Walt Whitman,
Stephen F. Austin
and George Armstrong Custer.

There is a particularly large collection
of these in the archives of Texas A&M University,

— those dealing with the Alamo,
and other aspects of frontier history,trooly
are especially popular with students poring through the stacks….

Much of this archive is also online at:

HERE .

Others are also out there–

Wall was a very popular and busy guy!

Muscleheaded Blog frequent readers will probably remember–

(probably, maybe not)

— the post that dealt
with the whole ‘September Morn’
art work controversy– september

and how some postcards were issued mocking the hubbub,

— with sarcastic humor and good grace —

Yes, number four
on that post was an original Walls !

And so is this one.

You can find that post here.

Bernhardt Wall died in Sierra Madre, California in 1956-

— and, by then,

had created a huge body of work
in many aspects of publishing and art.manwants

However,

modern audiences usually have their
first exposure to Wall’s work
through his very interesting vintage postcards….

And why not?

Great art is art that resonates with people —

Whether they be today,
or hundred years from now.

And I think Wall’s work lives up to that standard, and more.

Although I’m not sure about his spelling…….

Hoy!

forbidden

 

Innovations For Knuckleheads

dreamdateI used to have a cousin whose occupation was ‘inventor’.

( I dunno —
he might still be
my cousin, I guess )

I don’t know what kinda
stuff he invented that
ever went to market,

…..but I do know that
he claimed to have invented
an automatic hen fertilizer
that eliminated the need
for roosters.

It’s probably one of the
reasons I hated the guy,
I dunno.

( Damn traitor . )

Anyway, the way I see it:

There are three kinds
of inventions.

1: The kind that benefits/
contributes to
the health or happiness
of society at large ….

like a new kind of
easily renewable sourcefirehazard
of fuel ,

or the electric light,

or the V-Twin Motorcycle.

Or, a homemade
hot dog roaster ??

.

2: The second kind is the
kind that benefits/contributes
to the health or happiness of
a small group of people
( ya know… for pure profit )
and ends up fucking just
about everybody else …..

like a new kind of easilyhatgun
manufactured chemical
weapon,

or a modified Franken-food
grain that won’t self replicate.

Sometimes, it takes time
before most people realize
that these ‘better living
through chemistry’ type of
inventions are about
corporate profits —-

and not something you
should actually get behind.

Take DDT wallpaper —ddtwallpaper

Oh,

Just perfect for the
nursery, huh ?

Sure.

.

3: The third kind of invention
is the one that really serves
very little purpose other
than make you say:

HUH —
Uh….
…. what you use THAT for
? ” .yodel-o-meter

A yodel meter,
for instance.

Usually, this third type is
a product of a bored imagination with more
idle time on it’s hands
than would be recommended,

and of course,
the end product of the very
minimal expectations that
the inventor started out
trying to achieve.1

It’s the kinda product that,
if it goes to market at all,

…. is advertised at
three in the morning on TV commercials featuring
a loudmouth pitchman
waving his arms around
like his ass just caught fire.

But, they’re alwaysciggie
easy enough to find .

Go anywhere there’s a
guy with a rolling kiosk
and a wearable microphone —
and you’ll see em.

Go to the inside buildings
at the flea market —
you’ll see em.

Go to the local ‘dollar store’ —
you’ll see em.

I like the vintage
ones the best, though.

In the 1930’s,
bad inventors
had their own magazines —

and they would
often feature
articles on how
to recreate
things their readers
had come up with.

Kinda like a DIY guide to:

“How To Not Invent
Anything Worth A Damn ”

I mean,
some of them
worked, sorta.

And some of them,
well…..6

I’m thinking not.

Oh well…

Before anything good
ever comes to fruition,
you’ve got to put it on paper.

So,
back to the
drawing board, right ?

HOY !!!

drawing board