Scary Cheap

it’s certainly starting to look like fall, huh?

My daughter is already talking about her Halloween costume,
for the various parties and functions
that she likes to attend this time of year.

The last thing I heard she was going as ….

to tell you the truth,
I don’t know just WHAT the hell it was….

Some kind of super-hero who wears
a skirt way too short,
(for my daughter, anyway)goatee
a blouse cut too low,
(for my daughter, anyway)
boots with heels too high,
(for my daughter, anyway)
and carries a baseball bat with spikes.
(ok– now, THAT’s my daughter)

am I out of touch.


I was thinking just how much I hate dressing up as myself,a1
never mind as somebody else.

Costumes, blech.

I’m only really faced with this problem one time a year-

The annual office costume contest at work.

I hate that damn thing.

I thought I had ruined it for everybody last year
(— believe me, I tried, anyway — )
but, nooooooooo,
the boss figures it’s still good for ‘morale’.breath

I simply got a pass on participating.

(And by “pass”,
I mean,
he said-
” don’t even think about it, Chris” . )

Which is a win for me, man.

Are you one of those unfortunate souls
who works in a place that ‘encourages’ employees to dress up for Halloween ?

I hate it fer ya.

You can’t win.

of course,
for that ugly guy who won ‘best costume’ last year,
and wasn’t wearing anything different than his usual work clothes )

If you dress up ,
… you end up looking like a fool…

If you don’t dress up,
….. you end looking like you’re not ‘team-oriented’.

And as usual, Yer Ole Uncle Nuts has a compromise solution,

that — like all compromises –

only half-ass solves the problem, and satisfies no one.spdeytigger

But, in this case,
—- it’s still better than renting a fucking clown costume.

Or worse:
intending to just show up,
and ending up just showing out.

Try one of our patented ‘Muscleheaded Labs’
“Halloween on the Cheap” packages —

Hundreds of Paraguayan Guarani’s worth of research goes into each and every one of them,

And they come with everything you need to be able to say that you participated…
………. without you actually having to bother putting any effort into it.

Look at you,
such a team player, you.teister

Believe me,
….. if you put TOO much thought into that office competition thing,
the boss is gonna wonder why you don’t do more of the whole ‘effort’ thing in at work.

So, this set up is perfect.

And remember our slogan:
” Now you can ‘be somebody‘ while remaining nobody ” .


Check these out.

The Mike Tyson Package :

includes a pair of old boxing gloves to tie around your neck,
some red lipstick to draw a little ear blood dripping out of your mouth,
and a dark eye liner to draw some ‘tribal’ squiggles on your face.
Here’s one of our many satisfied customers wearing it,

….. with the optional Gold Tooth Upgrade.

Do some slobberin’,

stare at people with a kinda maniacal look,

mixed with a little garbled baby talk,

…… and you got the realism prize won, boy.

Believe me when I say I think you could pull it off, really.

Ok, sore head….

…. no problem, we got more– much more.


A lotta guys wanna do the Superhero thing…

But most of the time, it takes way too much effort, especially if you’re one of them 95 pound weaklings.

Muscle suits are hot, heavy, and they cost money, right?

Why not consider our ‘Clark Kent’ package?

The Clark Kent package:11

Includes a pair of horned rim glasses

( prescription vary vary ),

a Fedora hat just like Grandpa used to wear,

and some styrofoam to stuff into the shoulders and arms of your business suit

….. ( business suit not included )


inside, the heart of a Superman,

but outside, just mild mannered YOU – as Clark Kent.

3……….. The optional “Hello-I’m Clark Kent” pocket sticker is also available.

if you just order the blank
“Hello, My Name is _________________________ “

…. it’s a good way to do your costume even more inexpensively.

Cause we don’t have to write ‘Clark Kent’ in ourselves.

And best of all, it’s flexible–
you’re not limited to just a superhero….floyd
……. you can be whoever you want to be.

Just order the optional INK PEN option ,
……. and like magic, with just a little scribble,

you can be anybody from Bill Gates to whoever that guy is that’s Vice-President right now.

If the boss asks you who you’re dressed as ,
—- tell ‘em to just look at yer damned name tag!

You might even write “BOSS” on it..

Go ahead… you’re a risk taker.


Of course, the blank name tag isn’t your only low-maintenance option, ya know.

4The Unicorn package might be right for you…..

It comes with one horn with rubber fastener, a 140 page instruction manual,

and some duct tape to block out the words “Happy Birthday”.

( unless, of course, it IS your birthday.)

When you order,

ask about the ‘Hung Like a Horse’ option
— which is quite popular with this package.

(uuuummm…… not pictured . )

( and you can see from the feller’s expression he didn’t order that… )


gymballsIf you can wear your gym clothes to work,
you are in luck.

You can go with the ” Tea Bag ” package,
which is pretty simple and inexpensive–

Simply attach our patent-pending ‘ Tea Bag ‘ extension to your personal space,

—- and then wear your shortest shorts with confidence–

’cause you indeed have won the prize for ‘most original costume ‘ .

That’s right —
—– show em who’s boss around there.


If you’re not on a budget,
why not consider our most expensive and elaborate package??

It’s called “Stapler Guy”
And it comes complete with a genuine
Swingline Collectors Edition 747 Rio Red Business Stapler model S7074736E –

just like Milton used in “Office Space” ,

plus a 100% polyethylene pocket protector,

a pair of oversized googly glasses,

an ID card with some guy’s picture on it,

……….. and two pre-sharpened pencils.

Short sleeved shirt,
fire extinguisher,
and a place to put your desk, not included.

Obnoxious boss not included either,
but then,
you’ve already got one of those.


The “Live Life One Day at a Time while Looking Like A Star” Package is also available in several flavors….

6The Nick Nolte option includes a blonde fright wig, a cheap Hawaiian shirt, and some red eyeliner.

Yes, you’ll be shining like the brightest star on the sidewalk in front of the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre wearing this get-up.

Nobody will confuse YOU with a crazed hazz-been with bad hygiene and a drinking problem, nooooo sir.

You might wanna smoke a coupla packs of Luckies before you go….

That way, your voice will be nice and gravelly when you’re yelling:
“You can’t arrest MEeeeee ”,

———– as your boss calls the cops on ya.

( Cops, Luckies, and gravelly voice also not included )


Or, if you prefer the classic look,
( and, why wouldn’t you, considering your suits are all 30 years out of date )

kojerkWell, you can’t go wrong with the ‘penis-head with the lollipop’ look.

Just order our popular ‘ “Kojerk” Special ‘ —

Comes with a lollipop
( your choice: grape, or cherry ),

A bald head wig,

A pair of ‘flight school hot-shot’ sunglasses,

A hat that your grandpa wouldn’t have worn on his worst day,

……. and a Lifetime Elite Platinum VIP Gold Card Special Limited membership to Harrah’s Atlantic City Casino’s ‘Hi-Rolla’ gambler’s mailing list.

So, your first drink in the ‘Frankie Laine’ memorial cocktail club is 10% off.

I mean, who loves ya, baby ?


Or, if you’re really into it …..

Try one of our unique Unisex packages.

It comes with one Bic Razor to cleanly shave your head,

A genuine Fruit of the Loom 80% polyester/20% cotton blend white T-shirt,

……….. and one 14 karat gold-color-plated ear ring,
suitable for just about anywhere you damn well wanna put it.


Guys –
you can go as Mister Clean.

you can go as Brittney Spears.

….. or just go as a random wanna-be crazy tough guy/gal —

— cause it’s the same look.

Talk about versatility !


Or, if you like the idea of shaving off all your body hair,
( you are a kinky boy, aint ya )
but want to look a little less like a total goofball,
( umm.. yeah. )
you might try our “Bert and Ernie” package…


Complete with one (1) genuine 100% rubber duckie,
two (2) button noses,
two (2) colors of semi-toxic body paint (orange and yellow)
two (2) tufts of fuzzy monster hair,
and some (not much) Elmers Glue.

you’ll be looking cooool..

Stripey shirts also available at a nominal upcharge.


But, boy, if you really want to get the office abuzz, though…..

Have we got the package for you.

Make room for the “BUSTED BEAN Package“.


Use the included knuckle duster to hit yourself a couple times in the eye to give you just the right “beat up while resisting arrest” kinda look.

Then, just drink Tequila all nite before coming in, mess your hair up a bit, and you have the winning entry in this year’s office competition.

Also comes with a hunk of duct tape, and a booking sign for the coup de grace.

Be careful
and use discretion while you’re on way to work, though……

You might end up getting busted for vagrancy along the way.

But, who said winning that $5.00 gift certificate to Denny’s would be easy, huh?

Remember– for all your mediocre product needs –

– Muscleheaded Labs –
“where yesterday’s cheap crap becomes tomorrow’s cheap joke”.

Just Monkeying Around

monkeyI had another one of my genius ideas on Monday morning.

Actually, two of them came along in the same brain-storm.

I was having my hair-cut at the time.

I recently stopped going to my usual barber, Ho-Lo ,

….. what with him
up and dying on me without a word of:

Hey, you might wanna find a new barber ” .

People are so inconsiderate these days.

I went into this poncey looking place with a sign that said:

Hair cuts while you wait ” .finger

Just how that concept works,
I’m not sure…

I know everybody’s in a hurry today, but what else can you do–

…. leave your hair and pick it up later ?

They seemed very nice in there, though…

This big curvy redhead (barberess ?) came over,
……………. and said she’d take me right away.

barbershopI was hoping she meant that literally,

— especially when she told me to lean back.

A haircut.

Short back and sides, please.

So…. as I was settling in, and trying to relax —-
( I hate having my hair cut),

I was suddenly aware that I was enjoying the procedure more than usual.

I figured out quickly what it was.

The buxom lady who was cutting my hair, well….

monk….. her breasts were brushing up and down against me as she cut.

I never remember that happening with Ho-Lo.

I gotta tell you, it took the whole experience to a whole new level.

It was then I got this bolt outta the blue —


I know —

—— absolutely ingenious, right?

Makes getting your haircut more fun than getting stuck in the primate pen for a weekend during the rutting season.

More fun than riding your chopper with a gorilla on the P-Pad,
through the Morningside Studio while they’re shooting
Jim Bakker LIVE” .gorilla

Whatdayamean NO ?

( Does it count if I already did it ? )


You’re no fun any more.

Well, anyway,

as good as my first idea about topless barbers was,

monkey….. my second idea is sure to blow you away completely.

It’s an old timey type Radio Program called:

Ask The Monkey.

( It’s just a working title, ya know….
I might call it Chimp Chow Mein. )

it doesn’t have anything to do with barbers.

I have no idea why you’re dwelling on that, man.

Would you please focus ??


Whatdaya say we run it up the flag pole and see who saaaah-lutes, shall we?


” The time is Eight O’Clock, and you’re listening to the Dumont Radio Network. ”

Time tone, then Music swells — and
Cue announcer.

It’s time once again for that popular part of our program: Ask the Monkey.

We have several interesting and technical questions for today’s guest,
from the National Aeronautics and Space Agency,
— Dr. Chugo Che-Guevara—

Yes, it does sound more like a guerilla’s name….
……….. but, his friends just call him SPANKY.

without further adoo… let’s “ASK THE MONKEY”

.. person

Mr. I.M. Nothome from Downhome, Alabama wants to ask the monkey:

“I feel a lot of pressure at work, and it’s making me miserable.
What’s your advice?”

Spanky: ” It’s all in your attitude, and the way you look at it.
NASA, like any other organization, is just like a tree full of monkeys…
all on different limbs…
at different levels…
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.  The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
In your case, the best advice is try not to look up.
Hey, announcer guy…. are you gonna eat that banana?”


“Here’s another question for Ask the Monkey:
Mr. R.K. Squawk from Broken Toilet, Oklahoma writes:
“I see you work for NASA… I’m wondering how your approach to doing things would be different, if you and your monkey friends were running the show.”shame

Spanky: “Well, that’s a very interesting question.
Many times I have considered that very idea…
of course, the current management is doing a fine job…
but to give you a simple example:
when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
An elegant solution, YES.
But, me, I woulda used a pencil.
…..Hey, you gonna eat that banana, or what ?”


“Mrs. Deidre D Dumkopf writes:
Dear Ask the Monkey:
“What’s the big deal about going to the moon-
…… anybody can go to the moon.
I think we should send an expedition to the Sun…. I’d even volunteer to go.
The problem is, if we get within 13 million miles of it, our spaceship would melt. Any suggestions?”

Spanky: ” The simplest solution would be to go at night.
Come on, man….. What about that banana? ”


Moderator: ” As is our custom here on Ask the Monkey, we always give our guest a chance to explain one of his latest theories… ”

Spanky: ” Yes… ahem. I have developed a theory;
called “Spanky the Monkey’s Complicated Fruit Consumption Theory”:
…… that you can tell a lot about people by the way they eat a banana. ”

Moderator: ” hmmmmm…. ”

atmonkeySpanky: “ I will demonstrate: “How does a nun eat a banana?”

Moderator: ” Spanky is now nibbling delicately at end of a banana. “

Spanky: ” And how does a hooker eat a banana?”

” Spanky is now sliding most of the banana into his puckered mouth.”

Moderator: ” You can’t be serious…
you mean you can tell what someone’s like from the way they eat a banana?
Let’s try another one then..,
How did my ex-wife eat a banana?”

Spanky: (Grabs back of announcer’s head and slams his face onto a banana.)

Moderator: ” Oh, Spanky.. that’s just wasn’t right! ”

Spanky: ” That’s Professor Spanky, to you– homo sapiens boy ….
……… now, are you done with that banana ? ”

Moderator: ” Alrighty then…
That’s all the time today we have for “Ask the Monkey” …

Tune in again next week when our guest will be the Orangutan who’s been writing the Vice-President’s speeches. ”


So…. whatdaya think ?

Damn…. I can’t stand it when I get such good ideas.

And remember —
Boys will be Boys, even if they’re Monkeys.