Yes, I am a somewhat over-dedicated powerlifter and gym rat.
Thanks for asking.
My workouts are about 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, 5 times a week,
( okay… six )
……… and I very carefully watch what I eat… mostly.
I spend much of my days telling people about good nutrition and exercise.
So, the whole “wonderful world of bacon” thing might seem a bit incongruent with that.
when it comes to something as sublime as bacon…
…………………………………….. all I can say is tough toogies.
You might as well ask me to give up redheads, coffee or motorcycles.
And THAT ain’t happenin’.
Anyhoo… with the holiday gift season coming up…
I thought it might be fun to talk about BACON….
And we’ll look at some of the more interesting products aimed directly at the heart of the bacon affectionado, like you and me.
First, a little background on the stuff.
Bacon — the real stuff — comes from a pig. (….. like barbecue )
I hate to be an absolutist on anything, but this is one point on which I am totally non-negotiable.
Bacon don’t come from no turkey, no cow, no way, no how.
Oinkers only need apply.
That said, there is still some , well…
….. confusion on what qualifies as bone-fide bacon.
The Europeans, despite having first introduced the concept of bacon to us mere colonists, seem to have veered from the path of real bacon virtue….
The English use a cut that is part loin and part fat-back, and cook it all wilty-like.
The French cut it up into little cubes, call it ‘lardon‘ , and spread it on toast.
The Germans boil it into a goopy mess.
And the Canadians…, usually a sensible bunch people with reasonably good taste,
…. well, I dunno what they’re thinking… theirs looks suspiciously like ham.
What we Americans call ‘bacon’ comes from the belly of the pig,
….. yes, it’s mostly fat –
and is usually smoked and cured before cooking.
It cooks up crispy, golden brown, to piggy perfection.
My great-grandparents in Virginia used to smoke and cure their own,
… but today, most Americans just buy it by the pound at the grocery store–
And you can find some delicious variations of smoking and curing in a good market that just add to the whole bacon adventure.
There’s salt, maple or brown sugar cured, smoked in hickory, or oak, or even corn-cobs.
One of my favorites is Applewood-Smoked Peppered Bacon..
………. it takes a BLT to a level way beyond sandwichland.
And you can’t go anywhere near L.A. without having a bacon-wrapped hot dog.
( Wilcox and Hollywood Blvd — hint, hint, nudge, nudge )
Did you know that the record for the world’s largest BLT was set at Iron Barley’s Tomato Fest, St. Louis, Missouri in 2011 —
It was a staggering 224 feet long, and held over 600 pounds of hickory smoked bacon.
Not to mention 440 pounds of bread, 550 lbs of tomatoes, 220 heads of lettuce, 60 gallons of mayonnaise ( I hope it was Duke’s ) and weighed 2000 pounds.
Man, that’d take me a coupla days to finish…
OK… maybe a day and a half.
But bacon ain’t just for breakfast and sandwiches, ya know.
I recently had some bacon-wrapped chicken at a local Brazilian Steak House that sent me into orbit.
And when I was at the beach this year,
I bought some dark chocolate dipped bacon on the boardwalk,
……… it was very chocolate-ey and very, very bacon-ey indeed.
There’s a restaurant-bar in New York City where everything they serve has bacon in it.
I had the Bacon-Infused Bourbon.
And the Bacon Ice Cream had little chunks of bacon in it.
Ya know, being a bacon fanatic can actually become something of a lifestyle for some folks….
And since knowing what someone likes makes gift giving so much easier…
I figured we should look at some of the .. ummm .. interesting … bacon themed products on the market .
I think you might be surprised at the variety.
This little number, for instance.
is for the bacon life-styler who wants to carry his passion into the here-after with him.
( ……. would that make him a ‘bacon after-life styler’ ?)
Yes, IT IS a coffin painted to look like it’s covered with bacon.
( you couldn’t actually cover a coffin with bacon…
………… that would be a waste of perfectly good bacon! )
This gem comes with everything the deceased bacon lover would want….
18 gauge steel construction, premium bacon-themed interior, adjustable mattress…..
…… even a bacon-scented air freshener !
( Yes, of course they make bacon-scented air fresheners !! )
And it’s all yours ( or somebody’s ) for only three thousand dollars,
….. plus shipping and… errr…. handling .
I guess it’s for the guy who wouldn’t get caught dead being without bacon, huh?
At least a part of the appeal of bacon is that marvelous smokey aroma.
Imagine if you could walk around smelling like bacon all day….
Hey, the girls wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off ya, right ?
Well, now your evil plan to dominate the world’s population of olifactorily sensitive females can come to fruition……
( try and say THAT three times fast… )
Yes, now for the first time ever, “BACON SOAP”.
For six bucks, you can wash yourself all over with luxurious baconey goodness,
…… without having to have the fat scraped off you afterwards with a trowel.
( I hate when that happens. )
It washes off just like soap– cause it IS soap.
Get several and have a piggie party !
…. ummm…. wait… huh ????
This bacon themed lunchbox will make ya look cool no matter where you take it….
Office, school, gym, or even Bacon-Anonymous Meetings ,
………….. it’ll fit right in with your bacon-centric lifestyle.
Comes complete with a bacon-themed thermos ,
…… and room for three , … count em, three bacon boties !!
( That’s “bacon sandwiches” to the unenlightened )
what da ya want for fifteen bucks ?
I’ve been thinking…..
You know how part of being any kind of life-styler is telling the world all about your particular …. umm… thing ?
Here’s your chance to do it,
without the slightest chance of having the girls at the office look at you funny and mumble: “….. ewwww grosssss ! “
( ok. there is still a slight chance, but I don’t think it has anything to do with this fine product.)
Send a message with these fine Simulated Silk, Simulated Bacon, 100% Rayon Ties !
Here you have all the advantages of a bacon tie,
………… with none of the inconvenience of using the real thing.
Only 20 bucks –
…. an inexpensive way to show the business world your porky paradigm !
Wearing this, stray dogs won’t be the only thing that will want to follow you home.
Assuming, of course, that the last only slightly semi-sarcastic insinuation ends up working out to be true,
You’ll want to remember to always: ‘ un-dress to impress ‘ –
…………… with these bacon-themed boxer shorts.
Yes, now you can wear the object of your devotion close to your heart –
……… well, ok, maybe not your heart , exactly…
These can be yours for about 20 bucks, come with spandex waistbands, and for the more dedicated bacon lovers– sizes up to 5x.
Let’s just take a shot in the dark here…
…… and say that, instead of me just confusing ya with all this double entendre stuff,
that you’ve actually come to feel — that bacon and you — could really have something special.
It takes a brave man to admit it.
Of course, you might be feeling conflicted, maybe oddly curious.
Hey– it’ll be our little secret, ya know?
And my friend, do I have the resource for you.