Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.


Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin


considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?


Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Careful With Money.

Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty

An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….


I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)



Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Prince Lovesick.

Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)



Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)



Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.


Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)



Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,

A Plagiarist in Love.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)


Happy V-Day !




Edna St Vincent Millay says:

millayThat is what I want of you—
— out of the sight
& sound of other people,
to lie close to you
& let the world rush by.

To watch with you suns rising
& moons rising in that purple edge outside most people’s vision to hear high music
that only birds can hear …


Dear Buzz The Mechanic

This is normally
the time of the month
for “Suzie Wonder
Answers Your
Questions About Love” —

unfortunately for us,
Miss Suzie Wonder
is off gallivanting
somewhere on vacation,
so Buzz The Mechanic
will answer the “love”
questions today.

Buzz is an Ace Mechanic —
— hot rods are his specialty–
and he’s been chompin’
at the bit to write his
own column on the
Muscleheaded Blog ,
so, he’s
gonna fill in for Suzie.

One of his favorite tools
is an air hammer,

so, I’m thinking,
as far as subtlety goes
at least, that you
probably won’t
even be able to tell the

We’ve done a bit of editing
to make the whole thing
a bit more ,
oh, just go ahead and
read the damn
things, wouldya ?

(we only got one –
Suzie must have
ripped up the rest)


Dear Suzie (BUZZ):

As a woman (MAN) I’m sure
you’ll be able to relate to
this issue I’m having
with my husband.
He spends 12 hours a day
in the garage working on
his car, complaining it’s
under-powered and slow.
He’s got engine parts spread
out all over the garage, the kids
can’t get to their bikes, and
he never has any time for
my many relatives who
are constantly visiting.
What’s up ?

Constance in Cowtown.


Dear Cowtown Constance,
I would definitely suggest
a valve job — new rings
and pistons with a fuel
injector setup should make
a general improvement in
As for the many visitors,
if he adds some noisy
headers, he can rev
the engine up and run
those folks off quick.
A nice beer cooler
out there in the
garage is also a good
way to keep him get
organized and focus
on the tasks at hand,
especially since the
kids can’t get out
there now, anyway.

Glad to be of help.
Suzie. BUZZ.


The Kids Are Alright

qantasOh sure,
I know….

Kids are adorable.

That’s easy for
you to say now.

After one of them
kicks the hell out
of the back of your
seat for an entire
Pan-Pacific flight,
you might see them
in a slightly differentapunch
but ok, fine.

And actually,
so do they

See things in a
different way, I mean.

Many of us believe in a2
a ‘simpler is better’ doctrine,
including myself….

— and kids certainly understand
the world in a much more
undemanding way.

You can’t fault em for that.

Well, you can’t anyway.
Still, puppies seem
much more reasonable to me.

From the canine’s

Poop on the carpet –
you risk the dreaded
rolled up newpaper.

So, as a responsible puppy,
you scratch at the door and
wag your tail to say —
“hey, work with me, here.”

But babies– ajackie

they’ll piss on you
while you’re still
changin’ their
damned diapers–
and look you right in
the eye while they’re
doing it —
— they don’t care.
New carpet?

To a dog –
it’s a danger sign.

It even smells
like trouble.
So they avoid it.


let me just barf
up some green beans
and stewed prunes all over it,
–just to break it in right, ok?

You give a dog atooth
nice juicy bone,
you get licked
into next week.

Give a kid a nice present,
like a pair of cool sneakers,
and all he wants to know
is when he’ll get to wear out
the back of your airplane consw
seat with them…

Damn seat-kickin’ ingrates,
if you ask me.


To abruptly and drastically
change the subject, shoes
though —

Did anybody watch
the Puppy Bowl?

Go Team Ruff.

Hey, Team Fluff
was pretty cute,
though, right ?

Just sayin.


Boy, Does He Get Letters

anotherThe Postal Service
has got a very hard job,
no doubt about it,
especially around
the holidays.

I’m not saying
they don’t lose
my mail and packages
an awful lot,
because they do.

one can
understand how–

with millions of
pieces of mail
flowing through
the system a day,

that a package
clearly marked
with the addressa4
legibly printed
in 5 inch letters
can somehow
turn up missing,

— then finally
show up crushed
flat as a pancake
two and a half
months after
the original sending.aedison


That’s why they
make bubble wrap
and those damnable
styro packing ‘peanuts’
that go everywhere
when you open a package.

One can’t help
but ponderadino
if folks in
other places
have such issues.

Oh, sure —
around Christmas,

Santa never seems
to be complaining
about the volume
of mail he’s getting….

And the North Pole
ain’t exactlyacain
the most accessible
of places, either.

But there are
more difficult ones,
I bet.

Like Heaven,
for instance.

How’s the mail servicea1
up there,
you might ask?

In case you
didn’t realize —

Lots of kids every year
drop letters to God
into their local mailbox.

And that old adage
about Him
always answering prayers
does not, I think,
apply to replies
by return mail.aspring

Still —
You gotta wonder
who’d be on their stamps.

!!! HOY !!!!























Suzie Wonder- Love Doctor

doctor Our resident Crumudgeon
and Muscleheaded
Science Editor
Suzie Wonder
has been bitterly
(again) about
her lack of space
on this here
badly written…
(errrr… I mean..)
… fine,
erudite blog —

Damn, she’s got me
talking like her now.suziewonder1


I turned over the official
“letters to the editor”
duties to her,

figuring she’d enjoy
feeding back to
the various folk
who like to correspond
with us,
here at the
Worldwide Supreme Headquarters
of Muscleheaded Labs, Inc.

But she said that
she was only interestedwetnap
in dealing those ‘meaty’
‘juicy’ letters that we,
don’t get a lot of.

You know,
and sex,
and stuff.

I’m beginning to thinkstef
she just likes to complain.

I did not say ‘bitch’.

Dammit, Suzie —

I don’t care
how many times
you read that paragraph,shane
you will not see the word
‘bitch’ one time.

( You might see it twice
afterwards, but still…. )

well, anyway —

Suzie does apparently have
some letters and responses ready,
so if I can just get a drum-roll
from somewhere…..

forget it man….val
let’s just get on with it.


Letters to the Editor
by Suzie Wonder

Thanks, Plank-head. 

Our first letter comes from a
Mister R.L. Missingtoe
from Missoula, Mississippi.

He writes:

Dear Suzie : 
I’ve known my girl friend
for 12 months now,
and I want to spend the
rest of my life with her, pri
but my mother says
she’s not near good
enough for me. 
Momma has given me
a list of things for my
girl friend to improve
upon, but so far,
she has been less
than fully compliant. 
How do I secure
her complete cooperation? 

Dear Missingtoe: 
First of all,
I’ve outgrown angora sweaters
in the time you’ve known
this girl…. 

What makes you think ho
you’re even gonna
like her next year? 
And even more importantly– 
what makes you think
she’s gonna like you
the day after tomorrow? 
Hell, I’ve only met you
through one letter and
I already can’t stand you. 
My advice is to completely
re-think this deal,
and tell Momma to
go get her own damn lady
cub to mindfuck. 
That kinda thing is
still illegal,
even in Mississippi. 

( Let’s hope
it’s not from Mississippi. )

Dear Suzie: 
I’m comfused.
My girl friend gives me
all the sweet lovin’ I want,
and I want to marry her. 
My Momma says that I shouldn’t,
and always asks me why I should
buy a cow when I’m already
getting the milk for free. chase
Can you clarify this for me? 
Thank you, 
Elmo Kierkegaard,
Somewhere other than Mississippi. 

Dear Elmo:
You’re also an idiot.
And damn,
another Mama’s boy, too, huh?


Assuming your ‘girl friend’
is what we science experts
call a female ‘Bos Taurus’
you should still pay the
person who feeds and houses
the animal for the right to
draw lactate –
— that would be thebutt
honest thing to do.
And make sure you
get it pasteurized first.
Cows can make quite
loyal friends and companions,
but you should not entertain
any matrimonial dreams with her.

On the other hand,
if the girl friend
in question is a member
of the genus ‘Homo Sapiens’
(human beings)
and you are using this cow allusion
to refer to sexual intercourse,
then you and your mother arelettera
members of a group which
we scientific professionals
call ‘non compos mentis’ ,
and I have serious doubts

about any girl who would
get involved with you, too.


If you have questions
about sex or relationships
and you, too,
would like

to benefit from
Suzie Wonder’s

soothing encouragement, 
and homespun solutions
to all of life’s problems,

you can write her care
of the 
Muscleheaded Blog at:  

I mean, a1
I wouldn’t,

free will and all. 

HOY !!!!